I was sick last March really bad due to allergies and sinuses and the change of seasons. I was sick a lot of the summer due to not going to the chiropractor and my neck royally freaking out, and also because of mold issues (but I couldn't ask for a better house mother concerning that issue; Elena was a boss). I got sick when we returned home because North Carolina hates me, and welcomes me with wrath. I got sick numerous times during teaching at North. Sometimes because of neck problems and heightened stress. Sometimes because of lack of sleep and students who gave me viruses. Sometimes because...I don't know...Life just hated me? I got sick right when I quit teaching because, yet again, mold in our North Carolina home, which Isaiah attacked. And now it's March again, so allergies and sinuses are back again to bite me in the butt. There really are times when I wonder if I can be an effective anything, especially an effective missionary, with as much sickness as I get. But then I remember that there have been times when I've been less sick: namely during the 4 years of college and the 1st year in Colorado.
I've just honestly never done well in this state. So...why do we live here? Well, because this is where God has us right now. This will be our home base for missions. This is where our roots are. But let me tell you....sometimes I just want to move to somewhere where no one knows me and the environment actually lends itself to me living in freedom from sickness. I wonder sometimes...Will the country of Japan be nice to my body, or will it make me sick the way North Carolina does? I sure hope I'm right about trusting God with my life, which includes my health.
On top of being very frustrated with sickness (give me some credit, I have dealt with a lot and been very patient...it's just too much!), Isaiah isn't home due to work, and I never know when he'll be off. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful that he's working for me. I am grateful that God has given him a job. But, staying sick without a husband around to love on me and care for me, and not being able to plan things because I never know when he'll be off or how tired he'll be when he gets off, is hard. We also only have one car. I don't enjoy me being the one with the car, not knowing when he'll be off, and hence driving to get him and waiting at a shady service station for an hour until I get a text. I, likewise, don't enjoy being left with no car and being trapped all day. I wouldn't say I'm bitter at the moment, but I would say that I am very frustrated at the current state of affairs.
Sometimes I wonder what the deal is with God. I pray to Him for my healing, and so does Isaiah, but it doesn't come. Does He even care? Is He even listening? Is He even real? Isaiah says sickness in particular not being healed is something that throws a lot of people into doubt, and I'm sure he's right. And I can't buy the faith lie: that if I only had more faith, He would heal me. I had a lot of faith when I first started asking, but that faith drops every time He doesn't come through (but it's still there; at least a mustard's seed worth, so what's the deal?). I wonder sometimes what God is doing. I wonder sometimes how in the world I can be a missionary wife when I have phases of doubt like this. I wonder how I can be a missionary wife when I get sick so much (particularly in the past year). I wonder if God even cares. I wonder, but I don't let the wonder kill the knowledge I have. God loves me. I know that. People go through worse. I know that too. God is a good Father. I know that well. Sometimes it's just hard to pair the knowledge with the practical problems of life. I'm #struggling.
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