In a Better Position: Follow-Up to "Brothers & Doubts"

So, you may have seen me posting some more hope-filled things, like Lecrae lyrics, a blog about young women following Christ, and a reminder of the up-and-coming event I'm going to called "Discern" at the Creation Museum. All of this, I am sorry to report, doesn't mean everything is all better. I am still in the midst of some doubts, but I am approaching the issue a lot differently due to: you guessed it, my marriage. I'm always crediting my marriage these days. But hey, when you get married  to a Godly dude or lady, you'll understand that it's the best analogy we have to our relationship with Christ.

What I've realized is that this secular so-called "logic" had gotten me all turned around in the midst of my doubts. I'll start from the beginning.

There I am. It's the day before Easter (Saturday), and all I wanted was to feel close to God again. I kept struggling because I had this desire to be one with God, to be close to him, to feel the fulfillment I usually feel when I'm with him. I especially wanted this because the next day was supposed to be a day of celebration (Easter!), and I couldn't celebrate. I wanted to be with my God, and yet, I was resisting. Why? Well, because I thought that I needed to not cave to my feelings toward God. I thought, that instead, I needed to let objective logic guide me instead of mere emotionalism and religious fervor. I was resisting feeling close to him, approaching him, because I was trying to, for once, objectively observe the facts of Christianity and Atheism, and then let the facts guide me home (Home: which I very much believed would be to believing in God's existence, but again I was trying NOT to be sure).

I was resisting the urge to run into God's arms and just melt there because I was trying to deal with the problem. After all, I thought, How on earth can you really be a serious researcher looking for truth when love is marring your objectivity? I knew I was too in love with God to really look at the facts as what they are, so I was trying to remove myself from the love (as painful as that was). I was feeling a certain feeling that I've only felt during one other instance: When my husband and I are arguing, and he tries to take me in his arms, and I resist his love...

There are many times when Isaiah and I argue. And there he is trying to hug me or hold me, and I stubbornly resist his advances, not because I am still angry, but because I am trying to communicate my perspective and the facts of our problem well, and I know that as soon as he holds me, I'm screwed. I know that no matter what the facts are or what problems we really do need to discuss, once he holds me, my perspective will be all scrambled, and I'll give grace and understanding before it's time. I will simply feel his love when what we need is to work through the problem.

I fear, in these moments, that if I let Isaiah close like I want to, I will forget my objective logic and just melt there; I fear, in these moments, that rather than reaching a solution, we'll just snuggle and forget the issue, an issue that will then only rear its ugly head later.

This is how I was feeling about God and my doubts. I was resisting being in love with him, resisting his embrace, because I was trying to deal with the doubt issue, so that it wouldn't keep popping up. I thought, "God, we really need to tackle this doubt thing, and if I let you love me/if I let love take over, we'll never get over it. I'll just keep not knowing and blindly following someone I think is true but am unsure of."

I was trying to nip the problem in the bud, and I just knew that stupid, blind affection would get in the freakin' way!

As I talked with Isaiah about this issue on Saturday at a little place called Cafe 35, he gently reminded me that I was thinking illogically. I remember thinking, "You butt of a husband, for once I am trying to think logically. What in the world!" But I let him continue, because I am a good wife and shut my mouth a lot when I don't want to.

He calmly asked me how I would observe if something is true or not. For example, how would I examine a dead body in a show like "Bones" or "Castle?" I would, of course, look at the skin of the body, feel for body temp, open up any needed areas of the body to find cause of death (bullet holes for instance), etc. I would, in essence, get close to the body. I would feel it. I would touch it. I would get personal with it, etc. I would do all of these things in order to examine it well. If all I did was stay distant from the dead body in order to remain "objective," I would be pretty stupid. Anyone with a brain knows that in order to examine something, you have to understand it, get close to it, see what it looks like up close and personal. So why is it so wrong to examine God closely, to explore him and his existence or non-existence whilst you are in relationship with him?

If I only remain distant from Isaiah in the moments when I'm trying to maintain my supposed "objectivity," I end up simply being subjective or swayed by feeling in a different way. Sure, if I let him hold me, I feel great love for him and that changes how important the argument seems to me. But likewise, if I remain distant from him, I mar by perspective by only remembering the problem and not the truth of Isaiah's affection for me. I also mess up my perspective on truth in these moments by not allowing Isaiah to respond to me. He can't respond to my questions if I remain distant and cold. God, likewise, cannot respond to my objections, or show me his truth in the midst of my doubt if I only remain distant from him.

There are those in the Bible who remained distant and cold in order to maintain a hold on the "objective" truth of Jesus. They are often called Pharisees or Sadducees. A lot of them were there, staying distant and remaining "objective," watching Jesus' miracles before their very eyes, denying what their eyes saw! Their "objective" truth was actually not objective at all. They had the idea in their heads that he was a blasphemer, and no miracle they saw him perform ever changed this for most of them. Likewise, Jesus himself stood before Pilate and proclaimed the truth of himself. And Pilate, blinded by the subjectivity of politics and expectations, asked Jesus, the actual son of God who stood before him, "What is Truth!?"

Both during the conversation with Isaiah and afterwards, late into the night, I thought about the implications of all that he said, and all that I thought about after he was silent.

You see, first off, no one who is human is truly objective. We all have presuppositions. Some of them have to do with believing Jesus. Some of them have to do with not believing him. The secularist is no more subjective than I am. I have the idea in my head that Jesus is Lord and that the Bible is true. The secularist has the idea that Jesus is not Lord and that no amount of Bible can prove anything because it's a book, with flaws written by only men. We both approach the search for truth in subjectivity. Those who claim that their not subjective are simply more deluded than me. And those (like Mitch) who claim they're not subjective and then condemn me for my subjectivity (my love for God marring my perspective) are double deluded: they neither realize their own subjectivity, nor do they acknowledge their hypocrisy in condemning my so called "blind faith."

They are blind too.

We all are. It's the human condition. After all, according to the Bible, we were not created to be independent. We were created to be dependent, to be worshipers. And we all are. I worship Jesus. Mitch and secularists like the ones who post on patheos.com, worship something else (usually themselves and a form of "objective logic" that doesn't actually exist).

Second of all, my actually non-existent objectivity is not in any way marred by being close to Christ. I am able to examine his existence, character, etc. closer when I am up close and personal with him.

So, how does all of this help me? It, number one, got me out of the complex web of lies being spun around me by people like my brother, other relatives, and atheistic blogs: I do not have to divorce myself from my faith in order to observe correctly just like I don't have to divorce myself from my husband in order to understand him better.

I can explore proofs and facts while in a relationship with Christ. I don't have to hold myself at an arm's distance in order to see clearly. I can see just fine right next to God.

All of this, most importantly, however, has given me the freedom to stay with God, to be in love with him, to be held by him in the midst of my exploring. I do not have to try to abandon him in some misguided attempt to remain objective. None of us are utterly objective anyway, and I can remain just as sane searching for God while near him than while far away. In fact, I believe it makes my search deeper, more meaningful, and probably a lot more fair.

To Exploring while in His arms,

The best place to be for seeing up close.

An Open Letter to the Girls I Taught & Babysat...

Dear soon to be lady, 

As you approach adulthood, you're going to get a lot thrown at you from the world. Some things will be out-and-out lies, some will be half-truths, and some things will be true. It's super hard to figure out what's what when you constantly feel like you're being lied to. Know, first off, that I've been there and that, in some ways, I still am. Remember that living as a Godly woman is harder the older you get. No, it doesn't get easier when you leave the teen years. I don't want you to become discouraged, but I also don't want you to be caught off guard.  Saying no to the world really does get harder even after high school. The voices that lie to you become more educated and more seemingly rational. 23 year old friends use better lies than 16 year old friends, and the kicker is, most of them don't realize they're misleading you because they are being mislead themselves. (This is why it's important to know what God's unchanging standards are, so you know when something's not right.) 

I have listed some things I want you to try to remember as you get older and are tempted to make decisions that involve little changes in your lifestyle.

1. Stay in the Word of God

When you're younger, you learn a lot about God and the Bible from your parents, your church, and your friends, and I'm not knocking that. But, the older you get, the more you tend to lose certain aspects of this kind of life.

You eventually move away from your parents. You have to start taking yourself to church--its's hard to keep going to church when you're single, feel alone, and also when you're tired and there's no one around to push you/wake you up anymore.

And your friends...they are going to start to change. Some of them, you may have already seen change in high school. Get ready. The changes aren't finished. Expect many of your childhood friends to abandon the faith. Expect them to not follow the rules that their parents taught them. Expect them to water down standards that they now feel are too rigid or that they don't think really square with reality. Expect them to point out the church's double standards, hypocrisies, and faults, and use these as reasons to sin. Expect them to question how science and God work together. If you're feeling hopeless, it's okay. It gets better.

Despite all of these changes, there are a few things that don't change. One of these is the Word of God. The Bible is a book that tells you about God's rules, standards, and reasons for having these, and if you read closely, you'll start to pick up something called Biblical Wisdom which will come in handy when things start to get complicated: when your friends think it's alright to have sex if they're in love/have been in a relationship for 4 years/are going to get married, when they start to support gay marriage, or when they don't think going to church or tithing is that important. (I know some of you may already feel offended, but especially if this is the case, keep reading. And also, read the Bible and talk to God about the offenses. He's ready to listen and comment. He's awesome like that.)

If you stay in the Word, you won't be so quick to forget what it says. Moses and Joshua remind the Israelites to read and think about God's Words and Law all the time. They tell them that if they don't, they'll end up turning to idols and bad practices like the other people in the land. Moses and Joshua turn out to be right, and Israel....yeah bad stuff happens. Babylon is no joke.

It's not that God doesn't want you to have a good life. It's not that He's this guy in the sky who hates sex, dancing, and fun. It's that He wants you to have the best life, one focused on Him because He is the best thing ever. He is the essence of ultimate joy. And He made things like sex, dancing, and wine. Don't you think He knows the best and most awesome ways to do/use this stuff since He's the one that made them? The answer is yes.

Keep reading the Bible, and not just the parts you already know well. Read through the whole thing. 

Get to know the God you claim to serve and the Laws He sets down. After all, if you don't know the guy you're trying to base your life on, you're not going to keep loving Him, and you won't know how to explain Him to others. If you don't know the guy you're trying to base your life on, you'll start basing it on something else. It could be a guy, or your career/major. It could even be religion...going through churchy motions that you don't even understand since you're not reading.

Read the Bible. It's awesome. I promise it's not too old to have answers to everything. There really is nothing new under the sun.

2. Don't Buy Into the Hype

At some point, someone or a lot of someones are going to make fun of your childlike faith. They're going to mock you for believing in fairy tales. They're going to tell you that faith coming before seeing is obviously a trick. They're going to say that believing the earth is 6,000 years old and that Jonah was swallowed by a big fish is for kindergarteners, and it's time you graduated.

Don't for a second believe that faith makes you stupid. Faith is powerful. The Bible tells us it is. And becoming like a child who trusts is ultimately what we all do. It's just that we trust something different. You, for instance, may trust God with a childlike faith. Bruce may trust his high school science textbooks. Marie may trust her new boyfriend's perspective. Nancy might trust not knowing anything; she may simply KNOW that she doesn't know....Odd choice, I know.

The point is: don't for a second think that trust and faith are a weakness. Trust and faith are a part of the human condition. Whoever is making fun of you, just has faith and trust in something else...something that probably makes less sense. 

Also, don't make the mistake of thinking that you have faith and love while those who mock you have science, rationality, and logic. It is rational, logical, and scientific to believe in God and the Bible. If you don't believe me, start listening to this dude named Ken Hamm and go read Lee Strobel. They'll help you see things in a better light.

3. Keep Going to Church & Actually Be a Member Too!

Dear girl,

Don't you dare buy into the new lie that church isn't necessary; that church can just mean rest on Sunday, fishing on Sunday, or even just you and a few people saying prayer requests at your house. Yes, the church is made up of people, and where two or more are gathered, the Holy Spirit dwells. But that doesn't mean you can just get together with Christian friends at your house. God tells His people to go to church. And what's more: the church lends itself to fellowship, ministry, and, you got it, staying in the Word! Honestly, you need it.

Forsake not the fellowship of the Saints, and you'll be less likely to forsake God. 

Get involved in a church too. Tithe (it's a good trust exercise when you're a poor college student eating Ramen). Become an active participant--not just someone who goes on Sundays. Make a habit of talking with friends about the sermon afterwards. And most importantly, serve the church. Don't expect the church to serve you. Being that kind of millennial is stupid. Believe me. Just don't do it. Be more awesomer (And yes, that's totally a word).

[Also: sidenote...Don't you dare use the whole reasoning of "I want my heart to be in it when I worship and don't want to go to church if I really don't want to, feel sick, or don't mean it." A lot of times, the heart follows obedience. Get your butt up and go to church.]

4. Go to a Christian College (especially if you went to public high school)

Okay, I know I might get flack for this one (if it makes you feel better, people saying things like this, use to offend me too). But, at this point in my life, I really don't care. Public and Secular high schools, colleges, and universities teach things from a certain perspective--that of agnosticism, atheism, and secularism. If you go to one of these, and especially if you go to both a public high school and then public university, you're going to get confused about your faith fast. Why? Because your foundations are going to be off. You'll have built your house upon the sand, and the rains of secularism won't show mercy.

The entire way you think, process, and form logical arguments is going to be different if you seep yourself in a public university setting.

How can you think about anything well if everything around you is denying the most important truth: that Jesus came, died, rose again, that life is more than we see, and that there is hope. The Bible and Christ are what Christians are supposed to build their lives around. That gets hard to do when Christ and the Bible are either not talked about, mocked, or just thrown into the melting pot with all the other religions which are considered "an emotional crutch" by the general student population.

I have never regretted my education at Covenant College. I use the worldview and logical way of thinking that I learned everyday to remember and defend Christ, and to even simply think in a way that makes sense....Honestly, life with no God doesn't make for good rationality. I can honestly say that if I never teach another day in my life (I will by the way), I still use my degree each and every day.

It will always be worth the money to know that my life and intellect are Christ-centered, that my brain doesn't get in the way of my heart, that science and God support each other--that all of the things which secular universities claim conflict with one another, actually work together as I gaze at Christ.

5. Stay a Virgin (a Real One)...or Rather Stay Pure

Alright, it's time to get even more real. Deep breath. Okay. here we go!

WARNING: You have now entered the sex part of the letter. 

Dear girl,

People are going to tell you and show you that things like making out, touching someone in intimate places, masturbation, vibrators, oral sex, and even sex in general are perfectly normal and acceptable as an adult outside of marriage. Some of the same people who stuck to their guns in high school and didn't do things, are going to start questioning everything (after all, that's what people do in college...all the more reason to pick somewhere that emphasizes Christ).

Don't buy into any of the deceptions. Let me list some just to prepare you a little. I wish someone had done the same for me...

a. "The church has a double standard when it comes to men and women. Women have to remain perfect, pure, virgins, and modesty is way overemphasized, and guys barely get scolded. A guy can have sex and ask forgiveness, but if a girl's not a virgin when she's married, it's a problem. This is stupid. Women can do whatever men can do. The church overemphasized this, and it was unfair, so go try some things."

>Note: Just because the church (a flawed body of people) had double standards and overemphasized things, giving men more grace and women more scolding, doesn't mean God's standards are wrong. It means the church communicated badly and needs to change some things.

Just because church didn't do things properly, doesn't give you the right to drop your pants. 

God always does things properly. If you're questioning what your church did or said, read the Bible. It's always good. God wrote it. Depend on God and His Word rather than only the community you grow up in. And remember, just because one person (or a body of people) screws up, doesn't mean you have to too!

b. "The church is as obsessed with sex and the culture. It emphasizes remaining a virgin and sexual immorality and LGBT stuff way more than other sins. So, it's okay to try some things. They're not as big of a deal as I was taught."

>Note: Again, first off, even if your church said anything incorrectly, it doesn't give you leave to sin against God's Word. Also, the church emphasizes this stuff so much because God does too, in His Word! Wanna know why Sodom & Gomorrah were destroyed? Yeah. It had to do with sex stuff. So, read your Bible more, then you'll understand better.

Don't just buy your friend's words. Read THE WORD. 

c. "You've held out for so long. You've lasted longer than almost all your friends. You can still remain a virgin but do some other things. A lot of people say it's better to know at least some things when you get married any way. And don't you want to feel comfortable in your own body before you're married? Doing a few things is a way to do that."

>Note: You've lasted a while, praise God and pray for more strength. It's not better to know how to do things before. I know it's not.

The great thing about Biblical marriage is that you have a lifetime to practice sex. It is always getting better....and it starts out pretty good to begin with, no matter how awkward it is. 

You can pray to feel comfortable with your body and pray to know it too, rather than masturbating, experimenting, etc. God helps you and your hubby figure it out. You don't need to know everything. It's a leap of faith. A fun one.

d. "What about the things the Bible doesn't directly address....like masturbation, vibrators, oral sex, etc...."

>Note: The Bible does address them. Sometimes just indirectly. This is where the wisdom stuff formed by Biblical framework comes in handy. Go talk to your pastor and not your girlfriends....okay? ;)

Dear girl,

Don't buy into the lies, excuses, or reasonings of the world concerning sex. It's all poppycock.

People do not know better than God no matter how much they would like to. 

I was happy I married as a virgin, but I regret some of the other things I did before I got married...things I did because I thought it was okay to know my body a little more and feel more comfortable in my own skin with myself and with men.

I am very grateful that God kept my rebellions to a minimum. I wish I would have been even more pure on my wedding night. Girls, don't quit....even in the last quarter. Most of my screw ups were at the ages of 23 and 24....after high school and college. Again, it only gets more difficult the older you get.

[Oh and P.S. Do not buy the lie that masturbation can just be stress relief, or that it's okay as long as your not picturing anyone. And don't think it's more okay than having real sex....Just don't do it. Purity is mental and spiritual as much as physical. That also means no porn. #It's not just a boy problem.]

Dear girl,

Last note. It's important to include in this selfie-obsessed culture of ours.

Remember that what's important isn't who you are, no matter what any self-help magazine tells you. At the end of the day, who gives a flying flip about self-esteem, self-confidence, or self-anything--

Okay, the world does, but that doesn't mean you should.

What's important isn't you. What's important isn't the self or your perspective on yourself.

What's important is Whose you Are. If you are focused on Jesus, He'll show you what to think about life, men, the Bible, and yes, even the self. Hint: The self isn't really that important. ;) He talks about denying it a lot.

Dear girl, I love you so much, Don't forget God. Don't forget your first love.

And don't you dare take anyone's word over God's.

Be Strong & Courageous,

Your Old Babysitter OR Your Old Teach (Mama C/ Mrs. English)

Getting Real: Doubts and Brothers

There are so many things to talk about--sickness, "The Ten Commandments" Anniversary showing we watched with my dad the other night, my renewed desire to explore the science of God, etc. There are many things to talk about, but I'm going to talk about my brother, Mitch, who is an Atheist. Before he left to return to Chapel Hill, I took him out for one last Spring Break lunch. I tend to be honest with my brother about what I'm struggling with. I don't think it's necessarily more faithful to Christ to lie about where I am concerning God, esp. to my own brother who I've talked to about faith now for going on 26 years. So, I told him that I was struggling with staying sick and wondering if God was even there when I prayed. I told him that, at my core, I believe God is real, but that there are times of doubt, like right now, when I step outside a bit and sincerely think about how Mitch and I give different arguments from differing perspectives about the same things, and sometimes it all seems so pointless and petty, and I wonder sometimes if any of it even matters. I told him the truth about where I was. Right away, he pretty much strong-armed me into further doubts. I expected compassion and love and was served what he deemed as truth but what felt like poison. It was a bad decision to talk to Mitch whilst in the middle of doubt and sickness. But, again, I feel like we're so close, it's super hard to deceive him into thinking I'm doing better than I am. Likewise, I can't really hide the big things from him; that feels wrong somehow. He's the one family member that I've never hidden anything from; he's the only one I've never tried to protect from the hard stuff, including my own feelings. Every other person in my family has received the gift of grace and forgiveness in the form of me not sharing what I knew they couldn't handle. Mitch has never gotten that luxury. Mitch always knows my side, my hurts, and my exhortations, esp. when it has to do with God.

Mitch is what I consider my other-other-half. Isaiah, my husband, is my true other half. Both he and Mitch know that Isaiah stole this spot from Mitchell as my husband and I grew in love and got engaged. Mitch and I shared a very intense truck ride where he told me that he knew he was losing me to Isaiah, that he would never be my number one anymore, that, that would now be Isaiah, and that it hurt. Mitch and I have worked through a lot. And though I am very glad that my number one is indeed my husband, and that my number one is also a strong man of God, I still feel a bond with Mitch that I feel will never be severed. The greatest surgeons in the world couldn't untie what we have. There was a period of time when I dreamed about being disconnected from Mitch early on in Isaiah and I's marriage. It always felt like part of my own soul was dying. Though indeed, esp. since my marriage and the Boardwalk Chapel, Mitch and I have grown in separation as I have continued to grow in Christ, we still are, at our core, part of the same body. I don't think that will ever change. I've heard folks in Isaiah's family call this type of bond a soul tie. I think that's a good term for it.

No matter what, Mitch will be my first husband in a way. And no, not in a weird Freudian way. In a: we are each other's other side of the pillow, be with each other in the worst of times, never leave each other, kind of way. Mitch and I have been through so much damage together. It's like we're brothers in arms that chose different methods of healing. I chose God. He chose secularism. It hurts so bad to think about the fact that, in this way, we can't be bonded, that when it comes to the most important thing in life-Christ-we don't share the same skin. When I am at my strongest spiritually, my heart breaks that my own brother, my own flesh, could be in hell. I wonder how I won't feel it when he burns. I wonder how in the heck I will be so fully satisfied in the presence of God that I won't feel my own flesh melt as his does. It feels wrong that I could be so happy while he suffers forever. Pretty dark. I know. When I am weakest spiritually, I feel what he feels, I become even more empathetic and understanding and one with him, but I also feel wretched for I am then not with my First Love: Christ. When I feel closest to Mitch, I feel furthest from Christ. When I closest to Christ, I feel close to Mitch but also not one with him.

I've had so many conversations with Mitch about the gospel, about Christ, about faith, about truth. I know that, at this point, he would be more heavily condemned because he knows so much about God and is still turning away. The saddest thing is: Mitch remains the only person I've actually lead to Christ. Sure, I've talked to people about God. I've planted seeds. But I've never quite been bold enough. Mitch is the first and only one I've prayed the prayer with, you know the one that's supposed to beckon the Holy Spirit to abide in you FOREVER. And here Mitch is, years later, denying Christ with such boldness that it hurts my spirit. Let me tell you, knowing that you lead someone to Christ, knowing that, that person has read their Bible and gone to church, knowing that this same person, years later, claims to have seen the man behind the curtain: THAT will rattle your faith. It certainly puts a time-bomb on mine, which I then must pray about...yet again.

My other brother, Logan, also now claims to not believe, which gives me a new spiritual pain. I felt like he was still at least nominal and that God was going to draw him back. (Maybe He still will.) But no, he claims to be a full-blown Atheist too now.

How's a girl who feels parent to her siblings, esp. these two, not to feel responsibility or failure when they leave the person she bases her life on? These are my babies, and they are forsaking the one thing that I know gives life. Does God want to kill me? Did he give them to me so that I can scream and plead for them before the throne? Is He going to help them? At the core of my doubts is not truly questions about God making me well. I have discovered that at the core is the question: Can I truly trust God when he has abandoned my family? When he has torn away my flesh from the fold? When His Spirit left or perhaps didn't dwell in my people?

Mitch sent me some articles that he felt would explain how he left the faith and where he is now. They're pretty powerful. I only recently got into Creation Science and Ken Hamm. And now, as soon as I start to grasp the perspective I prefer, I get to see the whole other side of articles which focus on the opposite. I don't feel ready for this. I want to run back to my childhood faith and the joy of God that feels me when I turn to Him, but is that cheating on the exploration that could occur if I'd only trust the Spirit to keep me while I look? If God is truth, I am told that I will only find Him at the end of my searching. But how can I believe that, how can I not fear losing the Love of my Life--Jesus--when I see examples 1 and 2, Mitch and Logan, right in front of my eyes. (Also, some of my best childhood friends.)

People outside of the faith will probably see all of this as melodramatic about things that don't even exist or don't matter. And, in a sense, I understand this perspective. But then again, if any of you open up your minds when it's dark and you're alone about the deep stuff of life, you'll get why this is hard. God comes up in Philosophy so much because God is the marrow of the bone that we run from while we live our day to day. He's the thoughts late at night that we squash with pretend logic and rhetoric. So, go on, judge this post if you want, for being silly, but deep in your heart, you know it's not.

This pain is real. And spiritual. I don't know where to go from here. Both Christianity and Secularism scream their propaganda (that's what it seems like) at me, and I, like any good millennial, start to doubt everything. I want to be above it. But I can't be. For even if I claimed to know that neither is truth and that the arguments and articles are petty from both sides, I would still be claiming to "know." I would still be staking my claim in something...but only in a lesser something, a something which represents nothing, a knowledge of not-knowing. Seems pretty dumb to me.

So here I am, God. Feeling split in two. Having a much harder time than my husband in reading these articles Mitch sent. Wondering if I have discernment. Wondering if I can trust the Spirit to stay with me. I do so want to be His temple, to share this light of the world which resides in me with the people of Japan. Will exploring make the light brighter or dimmer? I used to believe searching would only strengthen my faith. Now, looking at all the case studies, I'm not so sure. I know that God IS....as I said in my last post...but is He trustworthy? Is He really the firm foundation that the hymns promise? ...Because He doesn't seem so firm to so many others.

I am always drawn to the Mitch's in the world. The intellectuals and philosophers who question everything, the dark ones who hide away from the world. I really thought I'd end up marrying one like this to be honest. I've always shined the light of God in my conversations with them. Maybe since this group is often who I minister to, I have seen less converts as a result. All you can often do with people like this, is empathize, listen, question gently, and open up their hearts and spiritual minds, getting them to trust even just a little less in their own seeming logic. But a light gets tired in such darkness. She gets weary, and starts to wonder: Is my light really working, or will it simply fade the more I look into the dark caverns of philosophy? Why on earth did God make me so sensitive if I am called to minister to the sufferers and to the dark philosophers?  Why on earth did He make me so empathetic? I am often so empathetic that I forget discernment....or vise versa. I can only, at the end of the day, depend on His Holy Spirit, and not on anything residing in me, but the problem is....I am afraid of losing the Holy Spirit. I am afraid, if I look more for the man behind the curtain, he will be there, and then my Spirit will die. Just like all the others.

Perspective.

I am on the mend. Isaiah is getting better too (he caught the cold from me; it was a pretty bad cold and not allergies!). My mom also has it currently, and she is taking longer to get better.

But just because I am getting better physically doesn't mean I am all better in the spiritual sense. I am still struggling. I do not wish to lie. It's true that God has been making me better, which I am grateful for, but I keep thinking "Who knows when He'll let me get sick again." However, I then tell myself in reply to this, "So what if He does?" Isn't He the one that gives me breath anyway? Who am I really to ask for anything from Him when He already gives me everything I have? I suppose you could say I'm in a Job 38 period. I am not healed or perfectly comfortable with not feeling in control of my health or anything else, but I am aware that I actually have no right to control something I haven't made. I didn't form myself. I didn't make myself be born into this world. I don't give me breath in my lungs every day, nor do I measure my own heartbeats. So what makes me think I should be the one to dictate my own health? I guess the simple answer is: I feel entitled to be in control of something that seems so simple, so like it should be controlled by me. But just because I "feel" that I should dictate my own health, doesn't make it so. God orders constellation systems and brings nations to war and peace, and He has likewise measured out my life and its daily occurrences for me. At the end of the day, if I have felt like it's been a wasted day due to sickness or other circumstances that I honestly have very little control over, I just have to say "Well, it's not the way I would have done today, but you know best, Father."

Even when I don't understand Him, it is He that has the Words of Life and has from the beginning. I ain't got nothin' to do with it. Of course I have been here before, in this humble place of semi-acceptance. But God has to drag me back to it time and time gain. We all have our treks through the desert, and accepting that God is in charge of everything is one of my treks. These journeys often take 40 years from what I've read (God, I hope it won't take me that long!), but Wilderness school is important and worth the travel, especially since it's with God as our guide. So, I will just keep watching my Pillar of Fire and will go where He leads, even if it's into sickness again. What else, after all, can I do? Pretend I'm in control when I know it's not so and then get frustrated!? ...That's not much of a life. I'd rather live in the truth that I do not control my health (Ultimately I mean; I can eat healthy and care for my temple) or anything else really. I am God's child. He, as Father, decides my fate and cares for me. And when I don't like His decisions, I can lean on the fact that the disciples did when they didn't get it: there is no other place to go.

I know that this sounds depressing, but it's actually rather comforting. It means I don't have the wrong answer. There is no other place to go; I have the right answer! (This is very important to a perfectionistic nerd who is too analytical of her own good.) Now, all that's needed is to pray for God to help me make peace with the answer, which I already know is correct. He's working on the peace part. Don't rush the process. ;)

What I keep coming back to is this thought: It's much wiser to stake my claim in the Kingdom of God where I might end up as the sickly begger at the gate than to pretend that I can build my own Kingdom, which only turns out to be a frustrating illusion.

I'd love to say more, and actually have a lot more to say, especially because Isaiah and I have had some really enlightening talks lately, especially about doubt, fear, personhood, and sickness. But, for now, I believe it is enough to say: God has helped me remember whose I am, and has caused me, at least for a little blessed while, to recall that He is the only place I can go. I want to believe He is a good Father (this is what everyone keeps urging me toward), and I am sure God will help me get there. For now, it is enough to know that He is the only true place to go anyway, so I am not stupid or wrong in following Him.

"Though He slay me, yet I will hope in Him." Right now, I can buy this because He is the only Hope anyway. Maybe later, it will be because He is the hope my heart delights in...Again, not there right now. But God will direct my steps to get me there. I know He will. He has done it before, and He is faithful. I will practice submission because of logic, and it can turn into submission because of love. God never dismissed the Israelites when they were obedient unto Him, when it was due to fear and awe: them knowing that He was the greater, and that they were the lesser. God can turn me into a David again, one who trusts and loves and believes the Father is good, one who obeys with the heart. But, for now, it is enough to obey because God is God, I am not, and there is no other option. Perhaps God can re-teach me to love my Creator and Captor, to love the ways of the only one who I can go to.  For now, I will simply submit, obey, and wait for the feelings to return.

The Struggle is Real.

Lately, things have been difficult. My relationships with family have improved, but I have gotten sick...yet again. I've basically given up on trying to read anything into my sickness concerning God's plan. I don't think He's trying to accomplish anything in particular. I am, after all, resting and trying to really use this time wisely. Sickness only gets in the way of that. So, no, I am not reading into anything this time. I am sick because I live in a fallen world, and people get sick. I, in particular, get sick a lot, especially in North Carolina. It's annoying getting sick so much. I can't be the kind of wife I want to be. I can't be the kind of daughter or sister or friend I want to be. I can't really make out my schedule well because I'm sick right when things start to come together. Sometimes the only thing that helps me is differentiating between the "whys" of being sick; at least then it feels like I've been sick for different reasons, and it's not just the same old ding-dong thing yet again messing with my life.

I was sick last March really bad due to allergies and sinuses and the change of seasons. I was sick a lot of the summer due to not going to the chiropractor and my neck royally freaking out, and also because of mold issues (but I couldn't ask for a better house mother concerning that issue; Elena was a boss). I got sick when we returned home because North Carolina hates me, and welcomes me with wrath. I got sick numerous times during teaching at North. Sometimes because of neck problems and heightened stress. Sometimes because of lack of sleep and students who gave me viruses. Sometimes because...I don't know...Life just hated me? I got sick right when I quit teaching because, yet again, mold in our North Carolina home, which Isaiah attacked. And now it's March again, so allergies and sinuses are back again to bite me in the butt. There really are times when I wonder if I can be an effective anything, especially an effective missionary, with as much sickness as I get. But then I remember that there have been times when I've been less sick: namely during the 4 years of college and the 1st year in Colorado. 

I've just honestly never done well in this state. So...why do we live here? Well, because this is where God has us right now. This will be our home base for missions. This is where our roots are. But let me tell you....sometimes I just want to move to somewhere where no one knows me and the environment actually lends itself to me living in freedom from sickness. I wonder sometimes...Will the country of Japan be nice to my body, or will it make me sick the way North Carolina does? I sure hope I'm right about trusting God with my life, which includes my health. 

On top of being very frustrated with sickness (give me some credit, I have dealt with a lot and been very patient...it's just too much!), Isaiah isn't home due to work, and I never know when he'll be off. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful that he's working for me. I am grateful that God has given him a job. But, staying sick without a husband around to love on me and care for me, and not being able to plan things because I never know when he'll be off or how tired he'll be when he gets off, is hard. We also only have one car. I don't enjoy me being the one with the car, not knowing when he'll be off, and hence driving to get him and waiting at a shady service station for an hour until I get a text. I, likewise, don't enjoy being left with no car and being trapped all day. I wouldn't say I'm bitter at the moment, but I would say that I am very frustrated at the current state of affairs. 

Sometimes I wonder what the deal is with God. I pray to Him for my healing, and so does Isaiah, but it doesn't come. Does He even care? Is He even listening? Is He even real? Isaiah says sickness in particular not being healed is something that throws a lot of people into doubt, and I'm sure he's right.  And I can't buy the faith lie: that if I only had more faith, He would heal me. I had a lot of faith when I first started asking, but that faith drops every time He doesn't come through (but it's still there; at least a mustard's seed worth, so what's the deal?). I wonder sometimes what God is doing. I wonder sometimes how in the world I can be a missionary wife when I have phases of doubt like this. I wonder how I can be a missionary wife when I get sick so much (particularly in the past year). I wonder if God even cares. I wonder, but I don't let the wonder kill the knowledge I have. God loves me. I know that. People go through worse. I know that too. God is a good Father. I know that well. Sometimes it's just hard to pair the knowledge with the practical problems of life. I'm #struggling. 

First Missions Letter #TEAMEnglish4Japan

Dear Friends,

You are receiving this letter because your church, in particular, has been a part of my husband and I’s story. You may remember one or both of us well, or we may seem as strangers to you, just a blip on the radar of your memory. Whatever the case, we, as a couple, remember you and all that you have done to mold us as people and now as future missionaries. We are soon being trained for long-term missions in Japan. Our training will take place May 8th through May 13th of this year. At this training session (hosted by TEAM, the organization we are going overseas with), we will learn about Japanese culture, missions work in general, and we will be given our mentors who will then help us with fundraising. Before we enter this new season of fundraising, we wanted to reach out to those churches who have known us well. It is too often the case that when a couple begins their journey of fundraising for the mission field, very few people have even heard of their plans. We do not want that to be the case with us. Our desire is that you would be a part of our journey from start to finish, so here is your official 411 on all things #TEAMEnglish4Japan. Please begin to pray for us in any of the following ways that you can.

We ask for your prayers in this season of waiting: “In the process and in the waiting,” God is there, but sometimes He is hard to see through the fog of life’s everyday messes. We need your prayers for this current season. Please pray that Isaiah’s landscaping job would continue to go well and that the Lord would bless the work of his hands. Please pray that Calli Jade would be able to complete her online theology classes for Japan and that she would continue to find solace and rest in God’s Word. And please pray that we would grow in the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ as a couple, embracing the Holy Spirit’s work in making us more like Christ as we plan to represent Him to a people group lost in spiritual blindness.

We ask for your prayers in the next season of fundraising: Please pray that God would prepare the hearts of the individuals and the churches who will be a part of supporting our work in the field. Pray that we would be able to find ample support bathed in the prayers of the saints as we begin to network and ask people to become a part of our story in Japan.

We ask you to pray for Japan, the country that has embedded itself in our hearts: Japan, though it is an advanced culture with plenty of technology and worldly success, remains in spiritual darkness. Twinges of Shintoism and Buddhism remain a part of the culture, but the Gospel of Jesus Christ is missing from the culture entirely, with less than 1% being Christian. Japan, having hope only in this world and not even knowing of the Kingdom of God, has developed one of the highest suicide rates in the world. The shame, guilt, busyness, sexual depravity, and loneliness in the country of Japan is unbearable! But we firmly believe that God’s Spirit can work even in the most hardened soil. We want to scatter the seeds of the Gospel, so that some may believe in the God who gives hope, meaning, eternity, and truth. Pray that God’s Spirit would begin to work NOW in Japan, preparing the hearts of those who will receive the gift of the Gospel of Grace.

If you would like to learn more about our story or interest in Japan, or if you would like to book a date for us to speak with your church, please email us at isaiah.english@me.com. We look forward to partnering with you as we start out on this journey.

Blessings,

Isaiah & Calli Jade English

My God is Big Enough.

So, it's pretty funny that Judi (Isaiah's mom) recently told me that she was proud of my last post but to expect temptation and hardship to come in opposition to it. She was right. satan is such a butt; I really hate that guy. As soon as your perspective starts to be aimed heavenward, he throws every weapon he's got to divert your gaze away from the Father of Lights. It's so ironic that, as hard things happen on this earth, our gaze falls to the problems rather than staying with the Father....for the Father is the only one who can help us with these earthly problems in the first place, especially the hard ones. It is only by staying in the Father's arms that we can deal with the things of earth properly. Anyway, back to that infamous butt-booger: satan.

Lately, there have been so many, many triggers which have reminded me of deep pain and hurt. satan has been trying to hurl me into the salty seas of bitterness and apathy, especially yesterday. And let me tell you, sometimes, it takes a lot of Holy Spirit to say no to bitterness, to quitting, esp. when it seems so natural, so simple, so easy. My brothers, though I love them, in a lot of ways, have chosen to turn to bitterness and apathy concerning the hurt of our now broken family (I am speaking of the Cleary clan here) because it's easy. Because it's diverting. Because when you turn toward these things, you can forget the person or situation that hurt you in the midst of your noncare. You can pretend that redemption isn't possible. You can pretend that you don't have an obligation to try. You can pretend to "wash your hands" of whatever you happen to not want in your life. You can just live your own life. You can been selfish. Instead of self-sacrificing. 

Sometimes I'm jealous of my brothers--that they can so easily shirk what still weighs heavy on my heart. But this jealousy is ridiculous, for bitterness is not freedom. It is only poison in a medicine bottle that reads "liquid freedom." I, more than ever now, worry about their hearts. I can't seem to let go, quit, stop hoping beyond hope for love and redemption and healing. They can, and it seems easier for them than for me at times. But, ultimately, it is I than possesses the freedom; the freedom that Christ gives: the freedom to believe when all seems lost, the freedom to hurt beyond hurt, to know that even when it seems you'll never get out of pain, you will....Because God does not forsake his children. 

Oh, how I wish, at times, God would not remind me that no pain can be too great for Him, for then I could remain in hurt and sadness, then I could feel validated in my pain. But my pain is already validated. It is validated on the cross. And it will be validated in heaven when I stand before the throne enthralled by His glory, and He places a crown on my head (ME!--so small in His Greatness!). Because of this, though at times I wish I could remain sad, could write people or situations off, could run away, ultimately, this is not what I want. I want God's reminders. I want Him to confront me in my sadness. I want redemption: BIG REDEMPTION. Redemption big enough for my BIG GOD! I will not run when things get hard. I will not remain in sadness when my Christ has conquered the world and when my hope lies in eternity and not here. And I will not write people off, for they were made by Him and for Him, and no matter what, they are all beautiful. I only, most of the time, need to remember their beauty more than the pain they may cause. I only need to see with my Father's eyes, and seeing with His eyes happens when He has my gaze, my heart, my life, my everything. So here I am God. Ready to get hurt. Ready for the battle. Use me as your instrument, for that is all I want to be. 

I rededicate myself to your purposes. I still, after all of this time, am not ready to quit, not due my own qualities but due to your Spirit within me. May it ever fuel me to do your will. May it make me and mold me, and may I abide in you as the pain comes and goes, for you are my stability. I have no other. I will not stabilize myself, or protect myself from pain. You are my shield. I WILL NOT take your job away, for you are the one who gives me breath--who else can I trust? Where else shall I go when you have the Words of Life!?  

Re-learning to "Just Be."

Things are going well. Isaiah & I are back at home without mold, he started a new landscaping job with a Christian boss, and I get some rest after 3 years of living the intense life. I thought I was resting before, back when I was working with Colton & at the YMCA, but it turns out, that, that wasn't truly rest. It was just 2 slightly less stressful jobs which, looking back, I believe God gave me because Isaiah & I needed at least an easier start during engagement and the first few months of marriage. [I don't consider teaching at James Irwin or at North restful, and I don't consider the Boardwalk Chapel that either (the BWC is enriching for sure, but not restful). *Note: I don't blame institutions or places for this lack of rest. I blame my own stress-filled heart, American society, and my own lack of balance.]

THIS season, God has brought me a new opportunity for rest. I never thought I'd have this much free time. This is a new level of being able to rest, make my own schedule, and just enjoy the life that sometimes we forget we have in the midst of trying to live like adults. I honestly feel like a kid again, or like it's summer everyday. I can't say that I am "IN A SEASON OF REST" yet, for I still haven't re-learned how to rest properly. For now, I can only say that this new opportunity for rest & freedom beckons me, and I am starting to respond to the call. God is calling me to a greater freedom and to a deeper relationship with Him each day, and I don't always respond to that call. The days that I do, even slightly, are beautiful days which hold more rays of sunshine and feelings of elation than I can express.

God is taking me deeper and deeper into the essence of "just being" without all of the extra trappings, stresses, and responsibilities of the world, and it's pretty awesome. I am so grateful to have a husband who gets up everyday to work, so I can stay home and experience a season of life that I honestly haven't had (at least not fully) in a long time. The last time I felt this way I was at Susan's, and it was the summer which marked the end of my time in Colorado. The only reason I had freedom & rest then is that I had no reason to plan anything since I'd be leaving soon (I simply enjoyed the sunshine & spoke with friends & sent letters until the jam-packed season of girl's road trip, packing, and 2nd road trip back to NC happened). And the last time I can remember having an elongated season of rest (like I have right now) is middle school. It's so sad that, in this culture, we push our kids to become adults in such a narrow way and forget that becoming childlike is valuable too. Simplicity is good, and yet I, and so many others, have been deprived of it for such a long time. It's no wonder people don't see the simple works of God & the basics of life which point to His existence among all of the distractions!

Like most Americans, I've lived on the rat wheel of life for a very long time. I got on when I entered high school at High Point Christian Academy, the wheel got faster when I entered public school. I then graduated high school, didn't let my head hit the pillow for a hot minute, went to college, was surrounded by beauty but still work, work, worked constantly until I had a degree, went straight into work at James Irwin, moved to NC, worked 2 jobs, got married, went to the BWC, taught for a semester again, and then finally......the Blessedness of Nothing. It's a blessedness that I love in theory, a blessedness that I've waited & waited for, for so long. It's been a heart's longing, a secret prayer that I didn't even realize I was uttering all of these years, but God heard it, and was waiting to give this time to me as a gift all wrapped up & beautiful at the age of 26.

Like most great gifts, after having been a sinner in this upside down world for so long, I have to re-learn how to value and use it properly. I try to honor the time I've been given by filling it up because that's what I, as a useful American, have been taught to do. But it's like I'm putting pig slop into a beautiful work of pottery when I do this. I need to enjoy the work itself (the pottery piece/the time I've been given) before I can learn what best fits into it.

I am still in theology classes, but lately I hardly ever do my homework (it's okay, I have a year to complete them). I am still doing daily devotions and bible reading, but lately it's a gift & not a to-do list checkmark. I am still volunteering for a few things, but they're not perfectly scheduled. I am still planning time with girlfriends, but not too much. I am learning to stop trying to value my time by filling it up and start valuing it by paring it down. People can say I'm being unproductive or lazy all they want (it's certainly already on the tape-track in my head that's been put there by buying into this society's worldviews), but, in reality, I am simply "being" and "knowing," and God & I, together, are removing the veil that has separated us for so long.

I understand why so many people's first questions are "What have been up to lately?" or "When do you plant to return to work?" Instead of answering in the ways I am tempted to (the explaining, the long-terms plans, etc.), I am starting to answer with: "I've been up to a lot of things. Communing with God, actually sleeping, drinking good tea, reading good books, putting off responsibilities, remembering my friends, and learning to just be."

And likewise, "When do I plan to return to work? ... Right now, I am doing the most important work again. I go through seasons of remembering it well and then becoming distracted with the world deems important. The most important work, the work of being in relationship with God, I am learning how to do THAT more every day. It's a hard practice though. It takes NOT practicing and letting someone else take over. Pretty hard work, and yet it's no work at all."

So...pray for me, friends. Pray that this would be a season of deep relationship with God. That I will respond to the Spirit rather than simply "doing" more things. Pray that I will use this time to serve my community, that God will open up the right opportunities to share His gospel, His Word, and His Kindness. But also pray that in the middle of serving others, I remember to be with the Source who fills me up, so that the overflow of service is even possible. Pray that I seek God's face as He seeks mine. Pray that I respond to my Hosea, the one who continually chases me, that I return to His embrace and forget the world within His arms. It is only then that I am free. It is only then that I am useful.