So, you may have seen me posting some more hope-filled things, like Lecrae lyrics, a blog about young women following Christ, and a reminder of the up-and-coming event I'm going to called "Discern" at the Creation Museum. All of this, I am sorry to report, doesn't mean everything is all better. I am still in the midst of some doubts, but I am approaching the issue a lot differently due to: you guessed it, my marriage. I'm always crediting my marriage these days. But hey, when you get married to a Godly dude or lady, you'll understand that it's the best analogy we have to our relationship with Christ.
What I've realized is that this secular so-called "logic" had gotten me all turned around in the midst of my doubts. I'll start from the beginning.
There I am. It's the day before Easter (Saturday), and all I wanted was to feel close to God again. I kept struggling because I had this desire to be one with God, to be close to him, to feel the fulfillment I usually feel when I'm with him. I especially wanted this because the next day was supposed to be a day of celebration (Easter!), and I couldn't celebrate. I wanted to be with my God, and yet, I was resisting. Why? Well, because I thought that I needed to not cave to my feelings toward God. I thought, that instead, I needed to let objective logic guide me instead of mere emotionalism and religious fervor. I was resisting feeling close to him, approaching him, because I was trying to, for once, objectively observe the facts of Christianity and Atheism, and then let the facts guide me home (Home: which I very much believed would be to believing in God's existence, but again I was trying NOT to be sure).
I was resisting the urge to run into God's arms and just melt there because I was trying to deal with the problem. After all, I thought, How on earth can you really be a serious researcher looking for truth when love is marring your objectivity? I knew I was too in love with God to really look at the facts as what they are, so I was trying to remove myself from the love (as painful as that was). I was feeling a certain feeling that I've only felt during one other instance: When my husband and I are arguing, and he tries to take me in his arms, and I resist his love...
There are many times when Isaiah and I argue. And there he is trying to hug me or hold me, and I stubbornly resist his advances, not because I am still angry, but because I am trying to communicate my perspective and the facts of our problem well, and I know that as soon as he holds me, I'm screwed. I know that no matter what the facts are or what problems we really do need to discuss, once he holds me, my perspective will be all scrambled, and I'll give grace and understanding before it's time. I will simply feel his love when what we need is to work through the problem.
I fear, in these moments, that if I let Isaiah close like I want to, I will forget my objective logic and just melt there; I fear, in these moments, that rather than reaching a solution, we'll just snuggle and forget the issue, an issue that will then only rear its ugly head later.
This is how I was feeling about God and my doubts. I was resisting being in love with him, resisting his embrace, because I was trying to deal with the doubt issue, so that it wouldn't keep popping up. I thought, "God, we really need to tackle this doubt thing, and if I let you love me/if I let love take over, we'll never get over it. I'll just keep not knowing and blindly following someone I think is true but am unsure of."
I was trying to nip the problem in the bud, and I just knew that stupid, blind affection would get in the freakin' way!
As I talked with Isaiah about this issue on Saturday at a little place called Cafe 35, he gently reminded me that I was thinking illogically. I remember thinking, "You butt of a husband, for once I am trying to think logically. What in the world!" But I let him continue, because I am a good wife and shut my mouth a lot when I don't want to.
He calmly asked me how I would observe if something is true or not. For example, how would I examine a dead body in a show like "Bones" or "Castle?" I would, of course, look at the skin of the body, feel for body temp, open up any needed areas of the body to find cause of death (bullet holes for instance), etc. I would, in essence, get close to the body. I would feel it. I would touch it. I would get personal with it, etc. I would do all of these things in order to examine it well. If all I did was stay distant from the dead body in order to remain "objective," I would be pretty stupid. Anyone with a brain knows that in order to examine something, you have to understand it, get close to it, see what it looks like up close and personal. So why is it so wrong to examine God closely, to explore him and his existence or non-existence whilst you are in relationship with him?
If I only remain distant from Isaiah in the moments when I'm trying to maintain my supposed "objectivity," I end up simply being subjective or swayed by feeling in a different way. Sure, if I let him hold me, I feel great love for him and that changes how important the argument seems to me. But likewise, if I remain distant from him, I mar by perspective by only remembering the problem and not the truth of Isaiah's affection for me. I also mess up my perspective on truth in these moments by not allowing Isaiah to respond to me. He can't respond to my questions if I remain distant and cold. God, likewise, cannot respond to my objections, or show me his truth in the midst of my doubt if I only remain distant from him.
There are those in the Bible who remained distant and cold in order to maintain a hold on the "objective" truth of Jesus. They are often called Pharisees or Sadducees. A lot of them were there, staying distant and remaining "objective," watching Jesus' miracles before their very eyes, denying what their eyes saw! Their "objective" truth was actually not objective at all. They had the idea in their heads that he was a blasphemer, and no miracle they saw him perform ever changed this for most of them. Likewise, Jesus himself stood before Pilate and proclaimed the truth of himself. And Pilate, blinded by the subjectivity of politics and expectations, asked Jesus, the actual son of God who stood before him, "What is Truth!?"
Both during the conversation with Isaiah and afterwards, late into the night, I thought about the implications of all that he said, and all that I thought about after he was silent.
You see, first off, no one who is human is truly objective. We all have presuppositions. Some of them have to do with believing Jesus. Some of them have to do with not believing him. The secularist is no more subjective than I am. I have the idea in my head that Jesus is Lord and that the Bible is true. The secularist has the idea that Jesus is not Lord and that no amount of Bible can prove anything because it's a book, with flaws written by only men. We both approach the search for truth in subjectivity. Those who claim that their not subjective are simply more deluded than me. And those (like Mitch) who claim they're not subjective and then condemn me for my subjectivity (my love for God marring my perspective) are double deluded: they neither realize their own subjectivity, nor do they acknowledge their hypocrisy in condemning my so called "blind faith."
They are blind too.
We all are. It's the human condition. After all, according to the Bible, we were not created to be independent. We were created to be dependent, to be worshipers. And we all are. I worship Jesus. Mitch and secularists like the ones who post on patheos.com, worship something else (usually themselves and a form of "objective logic" that doesn't actually exist).
Second of all, my actually non-existent objectivity is not in any way marred by being close to Christ. I am able to examine his existence, character, etc. closer when I am up close and personal with him.
So, how does all of this help me? It, number one, got me out of the complex web of lies being spun around me by people like my brother, other relatives, and atheistic blogs: I do not have to divorce myself from my faith in order to observe correctly just like I don't have to divorce myself from my husband in order to understand him better.
I can explore proofs and facts while in a relationship with Christ. I don't have to hold myself at an arm's distance in order to see clearly. I can see just fine right next to God.
All of this, most importantly, however, has given me the freedom to stay with God, to be in love with him, to be held by him in the midst of my exploring. I do not have to try to abandon him in some misguided attempt to remain objective. None of us are utterly objective anyway, and I can remain just as sane searching for God while near him than while far away. In fact, I believe it makes my search deeper, more meaningful, and probably a lot more fair.
To Exploring while in His arms,
The best place to be for seeing up close.
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