My God is Big Enough.

So, it's pretty funny that Judi (Isaiah's mom) recently told me that she was proud of my last post but to expect temptation and hardship to come in opposition to it. She was right. satan is such a butt; I really hate that guy. As soon as your perspective starts to be aimed heavenward, he throws every weapon he's got to divert your gaze away from the Father of Lights. It's so ironic that, as hard things happen on this earth, our gaze falls to the problems rather than staying with the Father....for the Father is the only one who can help us with these earthly problems in the first place, especially the hard ones. It is only by staying in the Father's arms that we can deal with the things of earth properly. Anyway, back to that infamous butt-booger: satan.

Lately, there have been so many, many triggers which have reminded me of deep pain and hurt. satan has been trying to hurl me into the salty seas of bitterness and apathy, especially yesterday. And let me tell you, sometimes, it takes a lot of Holy Spirit to say no to bitterness, to quitting, esp. when it seems so natural, so simple, so easy. My brothers, though I love them, in a lot of ways, have chosen to turn to bitterness and apathy concerning the hurt of our now broken family (I am speaking of the Cleary clan here) because it's easy. Because it's diverting. Because when you turn toward these things, you can forget the person or situation that hurt you in the midst of your noncare. You can pretend that redemption isn't possible. You can pretend that you don't have an obligation to try. You can pretend to "wash your hands" of whatever you happen to not want in your life. You can just live your own life. You can been selfish. Instead of self-sacrificing. 

Sometimes I'm jealous of my brothers--that they can so easily shirk what still weighs heavy on my heart. But this jealousy is ridiculous, for bitterness is not freedom. It is only poison in a medicine bottle that reads "liquid freedom." I, more than ever now, worry about their hearts. I can't seem to let go, quit, stop hoping beyond hope for love and redemption and healing. They can, and it seems easier for them than for me at times. But, ultimately, it is I than possesses the freedom; the freedom that Christ gives: the freedom to believe when all seems lost, the freedom to hurt beyond hurt, to know that even when it seems you'll never get out of pain, you will....Because God does not forsake his children. 

Oh, how I wish, at times, God would not remind me that no pain can be too great for Him, for then I could remain in hurt and sadness, then I could feel validated in my pain. But my pain is already validated. It is validated on the cross. And it will be validated in heaven when I stand before the throne enthralled by His glory, and He places a crown on my head (ME!--so small in His Greatness!). Because of this, though at times I wish I could remain sad, could write people or situations off, could run away, ultimately, this is not what I want. I want God's reminders. I want Him to confront me in my sadness. I want redemption: BIG REDEMPTION. Redemption big enough for my BIG GOD! I will not run when things get hard. I will not remain in sadness when my Christ has conquered the world and when my hope lies in eternity and not here. And I will not write people off, for they were made by Him and for Him, and no matter what, they are all beautiful. I only, most of the time, need to remember their beauty more than the pain they may cause. I only need to see with my Father's eyes, and seeing with His eyes happens when He has my gaze, my heart, my life, my everything. So here I am God. Ready to get hurt. Ready for the battle. Use me as your instrument, for that is all I want to be. 

I rededicate myself to your purposes. I still, after all of this time, am not ready to quit, not due my own qualities but due to your Spirit within me. May it ever fuel me to do your will. May it make me and mold me, and may I abide in you as the pain comes and goes, for you are my stability. I have no other. I will not stabilize myself, or protect myself from pain. You are my shield. I WILL NOT take your job away, for you are the one who gives me breath--who else can I trust? Where else shall I go when you have the Words of Life!?