Perspective.

I am on the mend. Isaiah is getting better too (he caught the cold from me; it was a pretty bad cold and not allergies!). My mom also has it currently, and she is taking longer to get better.

But just because I am getting better physically doesn't mean I am all better in the spiritual sense. I am still struggling. I do not wish to lie. It's true that God has been making me better, which I am grateful for, but I keep thinking "Who knows when He'll let me get sick again." However, I then tell myself in reply to this, "So what if He does?" Isn't He the one that gives me breath anyway? Who am I really to ask for anything from Him when He already gives me everything I have? I suppose you could say I'm in a Job 38 period. I am not healed or perfectly comfortable with not feeling in control of my health or anything else, but I am aware that I actually have no right to control something I haven't made. I didn't form myself. I didn't make myself be born into this world. I don't give me breath in my lungs every day, nor do I measure my own heartbeats. So what makes me think I should be the one to dictate my own health? I guess the simple answer is: I feel entitled to be in control of something that seems so simple, so like it should be controlled by me. But just because I "feel" that I should dictate my own health, doesn't make it so. God orders constellation systems and brings nations to war and peace, and He has likewise measured out my life and its daily occurrences for me. At the end of the day, if I have felt like it's been a wasted day due to sickness or other circumstances that I honestly have very little control over, I just have to say "Well, it's not the way I would have done today, but you know best, Father."

Even when I don't understand Him, it is He that has the Words of Life and has from the beginning. I ain't got nothin' to do with it. Of course I have been here before, in this humble place of semi-acceptance. But God has to drag me back to it time and time gain. We all have our treks through the desert, and accepting that God is in charge of everything is one of my treks. These journeys often take 40 years from what I've read (God, I hope it won't take me that long!), but Wilderness school is important and worth the travel, especially since it's with God as our guide. So, I will just keep watching my Pillar of Fire and will go where He leads, even if it's into sickness again. What else, after all, can I do? Pretend I'm in control when I know it's not so and then get frustrated!? ...That's not much of a life. I'd rather live in the truth that I do not control my health (Ultimately I mean; I can eat healthy and care for my temple) or anything else really. I am God's child. He, as Father, decides my fate and cares for me. And when I don't like His decisions, I can lean on the fact that the disciples did when they didn't get it: there is no other place to go.

I know that this sounds depressing, but it's actually rather comforting. It means I don't have the wrong answer. There is no other place to go; I have the right answer! (This is very important to a perfectionistic nerd who is too analytical of her own good.) Now, all that's needed is to pray for God to help me make peace with the answer, which I already know is correct. He's working on the peace part. Don't rush the process. ;)

What I keep coming back to is this thought: It's much wiser to stake my claim in the Kingdom of God where I might end up as the sickly begger at the gate than to pretend that I can build my own Kingdom, which only turns out to be a frustrating illusion.

I'd love to say more, and actually have a lot more to say, especially because Isaiah and I have had some really enlightening talks lately, especially about doubt, fear, personhood, and sickness. But, for now, I believe it is enough to say: God has helped me remember whose I am, and has caused me, at least for a little blessed while, to recall that He is the only place I can go. I want to believe He is a good Father (this is what everyone keeps urging me toward), and I am sure God will help me get there. For now, it is enough to know that He is the only true place to go anyway, so I am not stupid or wrong in following Him.

"Though He slay me, yet I will hope in Him." Right now, I can buy this because He is the only Hope anyway. Maybe later, it will be because He is the hope my heart delights in...Again, not there right now. But God will direct my steps to get me there. I know He will. He has done it before, and He is faithful. I will practice submission because of logic, and it can turn into submission because of love. God never dismissed the Israelites when they were obedient unto Him, when it was due to fear and awe: them knowing that He was the greater, and that they were the lesser. God can turn me into a David again, one who trusts and loves and believes the Father is good, one who obeys with the heart. But, for now, it is enough to obey because God is God, I am not, and there is no other option. Perhaps God can re-teach me to love my Creator and Captor, to love the ways of the only one who I can go to.  For now, I will simply submit, obey, and wait for the feelings to return.