Re-learning to "Just Be."

Things are going well. Isaiah & I are back at home without mold, he started a new landscaping job with a Christian boss, and I get some rest after 3 years of living the intense life. I thought I was resting before, back when I was working with Colton & at the YMCA, but it turns out, that, that wasn't truly rest. It was just 2 slightly less stressful jobs which, looking back, I believe God gave me because Isaiah & I needed at least an easier start during engagement and the first few months of marriage. [I don't consider teaching at James Irwin or at North restful, and I don't consider the Boardwalk Chapel that either (the BWC is enriching for sure, but not restful). *Note: I don't blame institutions or places for this lack of rest. I blame my own stress-filled heart, American society, and my own lack of balance.]

THIS season, God has brought me a new opportunity for rest. I never thought I'd have this much free time. This is a new level of being able to rest, make my own schedule, and just enjoy the life that sometimes we forget we have in the midst of trying to live like adults. I honestly feel like a kid again, or like it's summer everyday. I can't say that I am "IN A SEASON OF REST" yet, for I still haven't re-learned how to rest properly. For now, I can only say that this new opportunity for rest & freedom beckons me, and I am starting to respond to the call. God is calling me to a greater freedom and to a deeper relationship with Him each day, and I don't always respond to that call. The days that I do, even slightly, are beautiful days which hold more rays of sunshine and feelings of elation than I can express.

God is taking me deeper and deeper into the essence of "just being" without all of the extra trappings, stresses, and responsibilities of the world, and it's pretty awesome. I am so grateful to have a husband who gets up everyday to work, so I can stay home and experience a season of life that I honestly haven't had (at least not fully) in a long time. The last time I felt this way I was at Susan's, and it was the summer which marked the end of my time in Colorado. The only reason I had freedom & rest then is that I had no reason to plan anything since I'd be leaving soon (I simply enjoyed the sunshine & spoke with friends & sent letters until the jam-packed season of girl's road trip, packing, and 2nd road trip back to NC happened). And the last time I can remember having an elongated season of rest (like I have right now) is middle school. It's so sad that, in this culture, we push our kids to become adults in such a narrow way and forget that becoming childlike is valuable too. Simplicity is good, and yet I, and so many others, have been deprived of it for such a long time. It's no wonder people don't see the simple works of God & the basics of life which point to His existence among all of the distractions!

Like most Americans, I've lived on the rat wheel of life for a very long time. I got on when I entered high school at High Point Christian Academy, the wheel got faster when I entered public school. I then graduated high school, didn't let my head hit the pillow for a hot minute, went to college, was surrounded by beauty but still work, work, worked constantly until I had a degree, went straight into work at James Irwin, moved to NC, worked 2 jobs, got married, went to the BWC, taught for a semester again, and then finally......the Blessedness of Nothing. It's a blessedness that I love in theory, a blessedness that I've waited & waited for, for so long. It's been a heart's longing, a secret prayer that I didn't even realize I was uttering all of these years, but God heard it, and was waiting to give this time to me as a gift all wrapped up & beautiful at the age of 26.

Like most great gifts, after having been a sinner in this upside down world for so long, I have to re-learn how to value and use it properly. I try to honor the time I've been given by filling it up because that's what I, as a useful American, have been taught to do. But it's like I'm putting pig slop into a beautiful work of pottery when I do this. I need to enjoy the work itself (the pottery piece/the time I've been given) before I can learn what best fits into it.

I am still in theology classes, but lately I hardly ever do my homework (it's okay, I have a year to complete them). I am still doing daily devotions and bible reading, but lately it's a gift & not a to-do list checkmark. I am still volunteering for a few things, but they're not perfectly scheduled. I am still planning time with girlfriends, but not too much. I am learning to stop trying to value my time by filling it up and start valuing it by paring it down. People can say I'm being unproductive or lazy all they want (it's certainly already on the tape-track in my head that's been put there by buying into this society's worldviews), but, in reality, I am simply "being" and "knowing," and God & I, together, are removing the veil that has separated us for so long.

I understand why so many people's first questions are "What have been up to lately?" or "When do you plant to return to work?" Instead of answering in the ways I am tempted to (the explaining, the long-terms plans, etc.), I am starting to answer with: "I've been up to a lot of things. Communing with God, actually sleeping, drinking good tea, reading good books, putting off responsibilities, remembering my friends, and learning to just be."

And likewise, "When do I plan to return to work? ... Right now, I am doing the most important work again. I go through seasons of remembering it well and then becoming distracted with the world deems important. The most important work, the work of being in relationship with God, I am learning how to do THAT more every day. It's a hard practice though. It takes NOT practicing and letting someone else take over. Pretty hard work, and yet it's no work at all."

So...pray for me, friends. Pray that this would be a season of deep relationship with God. That I will respond to the Spirit rather than simply "doing" more things. Pray that I will use this time to serve my community, that God will open up the right opportunities to share His gospel, His Word, and His Kindness. But also pray that in the middle of serving others, I remember to be with the Source who fills me up, so that the overflow of service is even possible. Pray that I seek God's face as He seeks mine. Pray that I respond to my Hosea, the one who continually chases me, that I return to His embrace and forget the world within His arms. It is only then that I am free. It is only then that I am useful.