I cannot even begin to fully explain the changes that have happened in the past few weeks (it honestly feels like it's been years since we first got back from Japan). But I will say as much as can be said through imperfect communication and limited time.
Japan was amazing, and Isaiah and I are so excited to get to the country we belong in. We came back from Japan to full-time jobs that require much time, Japanese lessons with my brother Mitch (by now we have learned Hiragana and are starting Katakana next week), working on the core team of the Cornerstone Church plant, and the daily routine of life. Honestly, this has been a hard year due to us both working so much. But the past few weeks especially may just have been our most difficult to date. We have almost completely finished paying off our loans (our goal is to get them paid off by summer); we have never wanted to enter the mission field in any form of debt, and thanks to God providing so much work for us, we will enter the field totally debt free. Despite our excitement about getting those paid off, the past few weeks have been rough. We are consistently unable to do everything we need to. Our house is a total wreck, we barely eat anything at home except for bagels, we are constantly behind in Japanese homework, are not doing our devotions the way we should, both often feel like failures at work, get home with barely any energy to do much of anything besides sleep, and are attempting to help people in our lives in unbearably hard situations.
These past few weeks have brought even more trials for me at school: from grading, to administering state tests, to talking with students about awful pasts, pain, and current violence in their lives, to bitter co-workers empowered by the evil one to wound me; you name it, it has happened. Isaiah has also been more tired than ever on the bread route due to being married to a wife in need of help with school items and often ready to discuss important matters right as we head to bed (poor, sweet husband). We have also had many more misunderstandings in the past week than usual, which has lent itself to longer and more tiring discussions--discussions which lead to redemption but also to more exhaustion come morning. We are spent. But God is good. He sustains us during this time of survival, and soon the incoming waves will calm. I know this. I am holding onto this promise. Summer will bring with it rest from teaching and more intimacy with God.
So many terrible things have happened to friends and students in the past weeks since our return that if we did not believe in a powerful, all-good God, our world would be so shaken. I am learning during this season to not visually see the awful stories that people tell me unfold before my eyes. I am learning to stop images and pain before they appear in my mind when people speak with me about evil things and unimaginable horrors. It is difficult for me to practice this. I am not in the habit of stopping myself from seeing the horrid stories people tell me; I am not in the habit of being helpful whilst not feeling and carrying the weight of the things I am told. I am grateful for a season of practice, but since I have not learned the art of putting up healthy, emotional boundaries when listening, I am still bearing the weight of certain things whilst God teaches me.
I am grateful during this season to be married o a resilient man who is very good at being emotionally detached from things when needed. Isaiah has handled some things, especially this past week, which I could never step into and then step out of with my sanity. My husband has been my warrior this week, fighting battles for friends that I cannot fight. Being a rock in dealing with practicalities that I cannot imagine bearing the spiritual turmoil of. I never knew that I would be grateful for Isaiah's somewhat detached emotion. I am learning that God gave him to me because while I can listen to a lot of pain, Isaiah helps mend it in practical ways, helping my bleeding heart stay in-tact along the way. Who knew it was so nice to not do ministry alone!?
I believe that these past few weeks have been God's way of sanctifying us and growing us in ministry in preparation for Japan. I hope God will see fit to keep teaching us, even when it is tough, especially when it is tough. Hard practice always produces the best results. I also believe that these past few weeks have been the evil one attempting to discourage and weaken us. satan has been throwing a lot of fiery ash in my eyes as I try to commune with God and influence students for Christ. At every corner, satan has sent a secularly-driven person to tell me of my unworthiness and to question my heart's motivation. he has continuously attempted to show me how the ministry of teaching this year has been a waste, and how I have influenced no one and changed nothing. he has been trying to show me that the time and effort I put it is not worth the crop that is yielded. God is working, but when God is at work, so is satan, so, for us, it is always a choice: will we lean on Christ and grow, or will we cave and get discouraged? I am grateful that God sees fit to save me from discouragement so may times, that He sees fit to send me love through people when I least expect it.
Ministering to victims of rape, murder, and violence at home, and then being told I'm worthless at work is too hard for me to handle, but it is NOT too hard for God. I am thankful to God for what he did for me specifically today. I walked into school this morning knowing that this was my last year at Lexington Senior High School. Though I was still feeling unsettled about my decision to leave, the position was already posted, Isaiah and I had already said that teaching took too much of my time than what it was worth, and I honestly felt I would be able to do more ministry in the community whilst at home rather than spending so much time doing things like grading and planning. I walked in this morning being done. However, after conversations with students, the best letter from a student I have ever received, and a summative conference with my principal, Mrs. Curry, I will be returning to teach at Lexington in the Fall. Suffice it to say that, that conference with my boss was everything. I have never felt more completely understood by a superior in my entire life.
Most of the people I have worked under have known they wanted to keep me, but have never been able to articulate why. They knew I was good at what I did, but never really got why I was, or what kind of teacher I am. Mrs. Curry sees that it is my theology and the love inside me for my students that makes me good. She told me that the same love she saw me have for my brother Colton during my first interview is the same love I show my students; she told me that's why she likes me. She knows that my strength is in the relationships I form with the kids, in the rapport I build, in the conversations I have--in the believing they can do things they've been told they can't, in me harassing them for work, in the loving them, and in them knowing it. I told her "thank for seeing Jesus in me," for that is truly and honestly what she was talking about. I asked to be re-hired on the spot. When you have a boss who believes in you and understands what you contribute, who sees the gifts God gave you to share and wants to keep them in her school, you stay with her. And when you have a boss who tells you your worth so directly, it makes any other bad words said about you by co-workers (and satan) not matter at all. The kids and Mrs. Curry want me and see me. That is more than enough. I'm not sure I've ever felt truly seen by the people I try to honor and please until today.
I kept wondering why it was that when I left James Irwin after two years I felt at peace, why it was that when I left North Davidson after an even shorter time I still felt at peace...and yet I didn't feel at peace leaving Lexington High School. It was because God isn't done with me there yet. I am grateful He showed me that, that He was kind enough to give me a glimpse of the difference I am making there through His power and love. He was kind enough to show me that my ministry there is far from worthless and is intricately connected to my ministry in the community and to my future at Cornerstone Church Plant and eventually in Japan.
I also told Mrs. Curry...and this is going to be another big surprise...that Isaiah and I were asked to come much sooner to Japan. I asked her if it was possible to teach for just one more semester, to squeeze all I could out of myself until January because that is when our friend, Kurt Saban, wants us to join him in Japan! We were planning on going in a year, but Kurt wants it to be sooner, and we couldn't be more excited. So, the plan is to teach until the end of first semester (Mrs. Curry is good with it) and then pack up and head off the Isaiah's "home country," to the land where God has called us. It's a much quicker time frame than we expected, but if the Lord wills it, it will happen! Kurt is going to be meeting with us via Skype every few weeks whilst we arrange things for me to work at his English school and for Isaiah to get work upon arrival. And the Sinks are heading home soon too, which will hopefully lend itself to fruitful discussions and prayer as well. We are uncertain of many details. But this, right now, we do know for certain: The Lord is directing our steps. I am so grateful to serve a God who shows me His love and directs me when I lose my way, who opens up the way before me and walks with me all the way.
Learning Japanese. Core team with Cornerstone Church plant. Teaching at Lexington High School. Running a Bread Route. One more Christmas at home. Japan on the horizon...Life is beautiful. God is good.
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