I don't usually like to write posts when I'm discouraged or muddled or don't know what I'm doing. However, I felt as though it might be helpful to get a window into what the husband is like when he's not feeling his best. Normally I just get quieter when I'm tired or sick, but sometimes I have to let things out.
I'm going use the cliché "not going to lie" because in this case I do really mean that instead of pretending as though things are going according to my plan, or at least that I'm chill with whatever God is doing, I'm actually going to tell you that things are hard right now.
Calli quit teaching for a number of reasons and while it was happening it had it's own version of being hard. It was hard taking her to work each day while she begged me not to leave her or to not make her go. It was hard to go from that to cheerfully cleaning the house and running errands because I almost felt guilty if I enjoyed myself too much while she was suffering. It was hard having only one car and trying to work my schedule around picking her up mid-afternoon and not knowing if we'd head home right away or if we'd stick around doing things for another 2 or 3 hours (making it impossible to start supper before getting home).
However, something that was not hard with her teaching was money. Calli was well paid for her trouble so at least we didn't have to worry about covering expenses.
In some mysterious way once the cash flow sputters the expenses tend to add up pretty quickly. Calli registered for an online Bible certificate degree for $1500 and our computer died so we had to get another for about $1300 right as she ended her semester of teaching. Those are just the big ticket items. On top of that it's time for the car to be registered and the check engine light is on, which is a problem because we heard from a Nissan mechanic that Nissan technicians usually won't even mess with the wiring harness on a car as old as ours for fear of messing something else up. ("You might drive it in and not be able to drive it back out…") So we have an unknown cost for car repairs which may not even be possible to get performed…it turns out to be the perfect recipe for a headache.
On top of this, just as Calli got out of school she got sick and it snowed. The snow kept me from being able to run a bread route and make some cash that weekend. Instead we spent it inside lying in bed, not even getting to play in the snow.
Calli being sick has been hard for both of us this past weekend and current week. Not only has she been largely immobile and unable to get things she needs, but our sleep schedules have become totally opposite. She's been sleeping intermittently during the day and then being awake all night, whereas I've been trying to help her out during the day, but just tired out at night trying to sleep so I don't get sick myself. (Yes, in case you were going to tell me, I know it is practice for parenting infants…it's still hard.)
Add to this that in my wife's sickness she lost her voice which has made everything more difficult. Not only have I been largely deprived of the constant talks I so much enjoy with her, but other communication is even more difficult. I cannot read her mind and so her gestures often do not make sense to me leaving me slightly frustrated, and my misunderstanding of her efforts to communicate without words bring her frustration as well. So we end up in one frustrated mess because she's sick, can't talk, and I can't understand what she needs. I guess that's what they call learning patience.
For me it's both a good thing and a hard thing that God has not given me regular employment yet. It's good in that I am able to be around and help my wife out. It's hard because my schedule is extremely erratic right now and instead of having something to not only pay the bills, but devote my attention to, I never know when my wife might wake up and need assistance.
The last few days have been a challenge for the Isaiah & Calli Englishes. Sickness always makes patience and kindness harder, and when one gets impatient with the sickness itself for staying so long everything gets even harder. However, we're still hanging on to God and to each other. We do know at the end of the day that we still love God and love each other. I do believe that nothing can happen to us outside of God's control and that every easy or hard thing is meant to bring Him glory and us good.
Do pray for us as we finally have everything in on our end for going to Japan with TEAM, but must wait to hear back till March. In the meantime I need to find some more monetary employment which is hard since I can only do something temporary, but lots of jobs are looking for long-term commitments. I've been putting out applications and résumés, but the results are in the hand of God.
There's also things like the car inspection which is not done and I don't know when or how that will work out.
I'm not sure I need this caveat, but for my sake I will say that I'm not trying to have a pity party here. I'm simply being honest about the discouraging things that have made it hard for us to trust, hope, and love. There's a lot that God is doing right now which is comforting, exciting, and cool (my wife already wrote about a lot of it). I just wanted to let you know our life is not going according to our plans or ideal wishes, but God is in control and we trust Him.
Friday, January 29, 2016
Meeting for Japan and Sickness: English Update
I had about one full week of fun after I stopped teaching at North, the week I spoke about in my last post. After that very full, but awesome, week, I was ready to rest. Finally the long awaited rest which I so desired all semester had come and....Sickness. "So predictable," as Moriarty from Sherlock would say. Even if it is predictable, I am still sad about it. Today marks my 6th day of being sick (since it is currently 3 in the morning), and I must say...not my favorite. I have a combo of sinus infection, feminine time, strep throat, and general bleh-ness. I know: Attractive. In fact, if you want to talk attractive, I might mention that most home remedies for sinuses and ear aches include lots of onions and garlic. Let's just say I wouldn't blame Isaiah if he never kissed me at all during this sick phase. I wouldn't even kiss me right now.
Isaiah and I had an in-person TEAM (The Evangelical Alliance Mission) interview earlier today in Greenville, SC. We drove down to meet with Tyson (our representative) and his boss, Justin, who needed to meet with us and approve us before we go to the next step. Our applications are complete, and this was called the HUB interview, a final marker before we head into a time of waiting and then training in May, where we are assigned a missionary mentor who will help us through the process of training, researching, and fund raising. So, this meeting = big deal. To add even more weight to that, we missed our first scheduled HUB interview due to a mix up, so making this meeting was important.
I trusted God would give my sick-self the strength to head to the interview with Isaiah and be able to listen and speak when I got there, even though the day before I couldn't even talk. I saved up as many words as possible during the car ride, hardly speaking to my husband during the trek, praying that God would help me talk and function when we got there, and HE DID! Isaiah and I were able to talk with Justin and Tyson very candidly about missions, marriage, what we've learned, what we've yet to learn, and to discuss any concerns we had about TEAM thus far.
I still couldn't really taste my food (which is a shame since we met at Panera) and didn't necessarily love swallowing all of the throat infection that I did during the meeting, but, in general, things went very well. The concerns and second-thoughts Isaiah and I were having about the organization were all stilled. TEAM is all about flexibility, listening to the Spirit and the Word, and using the people they have to minister rather that making sure someone fits a certain pre-made missions mold. It was super encouraging to hear these things, especially after taking the Psych. Eval, which seemed to want to peg us (make sure we were a certain type of Christian). Tyson, Justin, and us had a really open discussion about expectations, if there were any doctrinal issues not mentioned, etc. Every single thing I was worried about, I no longer have concern about. Isaiah said it helped him a lot too. I really believe God lead us to the right organization, which is so funny because it's honestly just the first one that popped up when we typed in Japan missions. It's just so like God to do it this way. I keep thinking that over and over.
Part of the flexibility and Spirit-leading happens once we've been trained, fund-raised, and then go to language school in Japan for a two year stint. During language school, we will already be ministering where we are in some capacity (there are a lot of different options!), and, in addition, will be praying about what God wants for us in Japan long-term. You see, we have been looking at the Takamatsu Mission through TEAM because of the street-evangelism there, but we are not in some kind of contract with this particular sector. We simply go to language school, meet the missionaries that come through, visit some of the missionaries around the area (perhaps including those in Takamatsu) and then, go where God is leading. It's all much more organic, Spirit-lead, and chill that I thought. And that is very good!
Anyway, a very good meeting. It could not have gone better. Even though I wasn't as full of energy as I usually am, even that worked out since I was surrounded by 3 very chill men. Seriously, Isaiah, Tyson, and Justin: 3 of the most chilled-out dudes at a missions meeting ever! How are people even that calm? God simply didn't include that code in my spitfire DNA.
Isaiah and I are very pleased and excited with what God is doing in reference to Japan, and I can't wait to be in more prayer about all of this. As far as the other option for entering Japan (I've mentioned it in some of my other blogs), that's still on the table. Isaiah and I are just continuing with TEAM, in full confidence now, and if that opportunity opens up, we will pray about it and talk to TEAM about how we can incorporate it into our mission there. If God opens that door, I have confidence He will make it work out with TEAM and that, or will show us a new way to do things, or will simply help me make a decision. And if He does not open the door, the answer has already been made. It's simple really. Wait for things to unfold. Pray. God will lead.
Wait for things to unfold. Pray. God will lead.
I can't believe how much we humans can complicate things! It's ridiculous.
Anyway, we are in a very good place with Japan right now. I am honestly more excited than ever. I have still yet to get my books in the mail for my classes, but that's okay because I'm sick anyway, so I can't start right now. Please pray that I will recover, so that I can fully pour myself into this time of rest, healing, and Bible reading (I just finished the Law! Torah is complete. #IwillmissprotagonistMoses). And pray that Isaiah will not get what I had right when he is looking for work.
Until Next Time,
The Englishes
Isaiah and I had an in-person TEAM (The Evangelical Alliance Mission) interview earlier today in Greenville, SC. We drove down to meet with Tyson (our representative) and his boss, Justin, who needed to meet with us and approve us before we go to the next step. Our applications are complete, and this was called the HUB interview, a final marker before we head into a time of waiting and then training in May, where we are assigned a missionary mentor who will help us through the process of training, researching, and fund raising. So, this meeting = big deal. To add even more weight to that, we missed our first scheduled HUB interview due to a mix up, so making this meeting was important.
I trusted God would give my sick-self the strength to head to the interview with Isaiah and be able to listen and speak when I got there, even though the day before I couldn't even talk. I saved up as many words as possible during the car ride, hardly speaking to my husband during the trek, praying that God would help me talk and function when we got there, and HE DID! Isaiah and I were able to talk with Justin and Tyson very candidly about missions, marriage, what we've learned, what we've yet to learn, and to discuss any concerns we had about TEAM thus far.
I still couldn't really taste my food (which is a shame since we met at Panera) and didn't necessarily love swallowing all of the throat infection that I did during the meeting, but, in general, things went very well. The concerns and second-thoughts Isaiah and I were having about the organization were all stilled. TEAM is all about flexibility, listening to the Spirit and the Word, and using the people they have to minister rather that making sure someone fits a certain pre-made missions mold. It was super encouraging to hear these things, especially after taking the Psych. Eval, which seemed to want to peg us (make sure we were a certain type of Christian). Tyson, Justin, and us had a really open discussion about expectations, if there were any doctrinal issues not mentioned, etc. Every single thing I was worried about, I no longer have concern about. Isaiah said it helped him a lot too. I really believe God lead us to the right organization, which is so funny because it's honestly just the first one that popped up when we typed in Japan missions. It's just so like God to do it this way. I keep thinking that over and over.
Part of the flexibility and Spirit-leading happens once we've been trained, fund-raised, and then go to language school in Japan for a two year stint. During language school, we will already be ministering where we are in some capacity (there are a lot of different options!), and, in addition, will be praying about what God wants for us in Japan long-term. You see, we have been looking at the Takamatsu Mission through TEAM because of the street-evangelism there, but we are not in some kind of contract with this particular sector. We simply go to language school, meet the missionaries that come through, visit some of the missionaries around the area (perhaps including those in Takamatsu) and then, go where God is leading. It's all much more organic, Spirit-lead, and chill that I thought. And that is very good!
Anyway, a very good meeting. It could not have gone better. Even though I wasn't as full of energy as I usually am, even that worked out since I was surrounded by 3 very chill men. Seriously, Isaiah, Tyson, and Justin: 3 of the most chilled-out dudes at a missions meeting ever! How are people even that calm? God simply didn't include that code in my spitfire DNA.
Isaiah and I are very pleased and excited with what God is doing in reference to Japan, and I can't wait to be in more prayer about all of this. As far as the other option for entering Japan (I've mentioned it in some of my other blogs), that's still on the table. Isaiah and I are just continuing with TEAM, in full confidence now, and if that opportunity opens up, we will pray about it and talk to TEAM about how we can incorporate it into our mission there. If God opens that door, I have confidence He will make it work out with TEAM and that, or will show us a new way to do things, or will simply help me make a decision. And if He does not open the door, the answer has already been made. It's simple really. Wait for things to unfold. Pray. God will lead.
Wait for things to unfold. Pray. God will lead.
I can't believe how much we humans can complicate things! It's ridiculous.
Anyway, we are in a very good place with Japan right now. I am honestly more excited than ever. I have still yet to get my books in the mail for my classes, but that's okay because I'm sick anyway, so I can't start right now. Please pray that I will recover, so that I can fully pour myself into this time of rest, healing, and Bible reading (I just finished the Law! Torah is complete. #IwillmissprotagonistMoses). And pray that Isaiah will not get what I had right when he is looking for work.
Until Next Time,
The Englishes
Friday, January 22, 2016
Rest for the Weary ("Wicked" and Other Unemployed Happenings)
After my last post, I had one more day of administering tests, this time for my 3rd period (Thursday, Jan. 14th). Then, on Friday (Jan. 15th), I helped another teacher proctor and showed the new English teacher (my replacement) around the school. Thursday was actually a lot harder for me emotionally than I had anticipated. Wednesday was difficult due to pain and uncertainty, but Thursday was difficult due to love for my students, especially my 3rd period Juniors. I knew on Thursday that, this was my last day with them, and my heart hurt quite a bit. I'd grown quite attached to my Juniors. I love all my students, both when I have them in my class and when they send me updates later in life, but there are some classes that you just mesh with. It's inexplicable. It's like you found you niche', and there are these other people in it that just "get" what you're trying to do. It's not that my Juniors were particularly perfect. It's just that they felt like my babies. Certain kiddos in my 1st and 2nd periods felt that way to me, but all of my 3rd period did. I love those peoples with all of my heart. I felt like their very young, very new momma, and Thursday felt like I was losing children all over again (like it did at James Irwin). Wednesday had been my "I am so ready to get out of here" day, and Thursday was my "I am sad to be leaving this place and my kiddos. No matter how hard things were, this is where I hung my hat" day.
Even though I was sad to be leaving, and it was odd meeting my replacement so soon when I hadn't fully processed what was going on, I still knew this was the right thing to do and was happy to get home and get some rest. I still didn't feel like a very good teacher when I got off work on Thursday. After all, missing someone/a group of someones doesn't particularly make you great at something. It just means you're emotional. So, Isaiah and I traveled down to Concord to meet up with his family and go to "Wicked!" in Charlotte. (By the way, if you haven't seen it, it's the most beautifully, redemptive play ever, and you should go.) I sat in the car playing and talking with Lyuda (one of the Ukranian girls at Isaiah's house for the season) and thinking of beautiful things, and also talking with Judi (Isaiah's mom) and thinking of painful things as she asked how I was doing (I can never seem to lie to her!). It sort of seemed like all of the pain and beauty in my life just sort of meshed together during that car ride, and then I got to see the same thing happen in play-form. I can't even full express what that play did for me Thursday night, but what I can say is that "I have been changed for good" after officially seeing it. I was feeling so lost and depressed and also relieved at leaving work. And on top of that I still felt like an utter failure. Like everything I'd done at North was meaningless and pointless and that I was a pretty crappy teacher. Like maybe I was never good at it at all. Like all of the training and seminars and lessons, in the end, amounted to nothing.
And then, something miraculous happened. God spoke to me through the music. I had forgotten that the song "For Good" was even in the particular musical I was watching (after all, I'd only heard the songs and never seen them in context), and when GA!-linda and Elphaba started singing it, the water works started. You see, my favorite student (although I have loved so very many!) at James Irwin, Jasmine Burns, loved the musical "Wicked" and was always telling me to watch it. When I left JI, she broke my heart most by giving me a goodbye letter (she was always giving me notes and presents) in which she listed all the lyrics to "For Good" and explained how I had changed her so much, how much I'd impacted her life, and how very much she would miss me; it was the most beautiful piece of writing I'd ever seen: eloquent, sweet, and full of love. So there I sat, in the theater Thursday night, crying my eyes out as God reminded me that I am a very good teacher, that students have loved me, that God, through me, does make a difference, and that He's not done yet! So thank you God for the reminder of your love and presence, and thank you Jasmine, for loving me so well that I remember my value through a song even when we are miles apart!
Even though I was sad to be leaving, and it was odd meeting my replacement so soon when I hadn't fully processed what was going on, I still knew this was the right thing to do and was happy to get home and get some rest. I still didn't feel like a very good teacher when I got off work on Thursday. After all, missing someone/a group of someones doesn't particularly make you great at something. It just means you're emotional. So, Isaiah and I traveled down to Concord to meet up with his family and go to "Wicked!" in Charlotte. (By the way, if you haven't seen it, it's the most beautifully, redemptive play ever, and you should go.) I sat in the car playing and talking with Lyuda (one of the Ukranian girls at Isaiah's house for the season) and thinking of beautiful things, and also talking with Judi (Isaiah's mom) and thinking of painful things as she asked how I was doing (I can never seem to lie to her!). It sort of seemed like all of the pain and beauty in my life just sort of meshed together during that car ride, and then I got to see the same thing happen in play-form. I can't even full express what that play did for me Thursday night, but what I can say is that "I have been changed for good" after officially seeing it. I was feeling so lost and depressed and also relieved at leaving work. And on top of that I still felt like an utter failure. Like everything I'd done at North was meaningless and pointless and that I was a pretty crappy teacher. Like maybe I was never good at it at all. Like all of the training and seminars and lessons, in the end, amounted to nothing.
And then, something miraculous happened. God spoke to me through the music. I had forgotten that the song "For Good" was even in the particular musical I was watching (after all, I'd only heard the songs and never seen them in context), and when GA!-linda and Elphaba started singing it, the water works started. You see, my favorite student (although I have loved so very many!) at James Irwin, Jasmine Burns, loved the musical "Wicked" and was always telling me to watch it. When I left JI, she broke my heart most by giving me a goodbye letter (she was always giving me notes and presents) in which she listed all the lyrics to "For Good" and explained how I had changed her so much, how much I'd impacted her life, and how very much she would miss me; it was the most beautiful piece of writing I'd ever seen: eloquent, sweet, and full of love. So there I sat, in the theater Thursday night, crying my eyes out as God reminded me that I am a very good teacher, that students have loved me, that God, through me, does make a difference, and that He's not done yet! So thank you God for the reminder of your love and presence, and thank you Jasmine, for loving me so well that I remember my value through a song even when we are miles apart!
Isaiah and I at the play "Wicked"
On Friday, God gave me further comfort and confirmation through co-workers who talked with me about students who had mentioned my patience and faith in Christ, and through some of favorite North kiddos being in the math class I was proctoring in. I was especially happy to see Emily again, my 3rd period, sweet student who loved that I didn't ever yell. Emily often drew me pictures, and her boyfriend Austin would make me origami, especially when I was having a bad day. Emily reminded me the most of Jasmine, and seeing her on Friday just settled my spirit even more.
One of Emily's drawings for me! It represents the perfect combo of science & logic and whimsy!
From: January 2016
My favorite Jasmine Burns piece, which she gave me as a present when I missed my brothers a lot!
From: December 2013
Since my last day at North, things have been moving quickly. I won't pretend that I've processed everything or that my life is all of the sudden perfect. But I will say that it's amazing how much you can end up doing even when you're not working. I keep trying to sit down and process, but alas, today is the first day I've really been able to.
I had a bro-night on Friday (Jan. 16th) night and most of Saturday morning with my favorite cuz Auggie and my brother Mitch, who came in for the weekend from Chapel Hill. I also got a haircut on Saturday (although I don't consider this particularly important). On Sunday, we enjoyed church and then rode with Gram to get chinese food and drop Mitch (along with loads of his stuff) back off at Chapel Hill. On Monday, I signed up for my Theology classes, so I can get a Bible Certificate for Japan. I'm already in all of my classes, and my books on on the way. Isaiah also registered and started TESOL certification. So I am taking Bible classes and staying home, and he's taking teaching classes and working: We have truly switched roles! LOL.
On Tuesday, Isaiah worked with his brother Josiah, whilst I watched his brother Matty and sister Geneva for his parents (they were having a little vacation). It was a truly great day. Matty, Geneva, and I ate at Chick-fil-a (my lemonade milkshake reminding me of Megan Siegle), went to my mom's to hang with two kids she was keeping (we played a lot of games), returned to Concord to visit the dollar store for goodies and to get supplies for Matty's famous homemade popsicles. It was a day well spent, and I felt like my old childhood-whimsy-filled self all over gain. On Wednesday, Isaiah and I watched Colton at his family's house. Isaiah spend the day working with his brother Josiah on his downstairs apartment, and I divided my time between watching cartoons with Colton and filling out questions that were needed for Japan.
Me channeling my "inner-Amy-Verner" at The Black Chicken Coffee shop on Thursday
On Thursday, Isaiah and I had one of my favorite days ever: the perfect combination of productivity and fun. We started out the day finishing out questions I needed to answer for Japan. We then went to the unemployment office to see what kinds of jobs are currently available for Isaiah (He does continue to run bread routes which helps). We stopped by the Black Chicken Coffee Shop to check where the Winston-Salem McKay's was, so we could check and see if they had any of my needed theology books for classes. Though we didn't end up ever finding McKay's, we did find Village Tavern on the way, and since I had a gift card from school to there, we decided it was fate. We had a delicious meal and some wonderful adult drinks, then headed home to go to a Japanese steakhouse and movie with dad.
And today, we spent the day in, like most folks around here, enjoying the snow, building a fire, snuggling, and reminding each other of how very much we love each other no matter what life brings or how many more transitions are yet to come.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
January 13th Entry: Testing Week
This is what I would consider a backlogged entry. I wrote it a few days ago when I was still teaching. I would have loved to publish it on time, but alas, I could not. I'll make sure to catch you all up to date in the next entry; a lot has happened. Love you guys! Here goes....
From Wednesday 13 January…
This week is testing week—in more than one way. My students, at present, are, in a literal sense, testing. We have reached the end of the semester, and their state exams are here. Though I started this test morning feeling queasy about messing up some minute detail, in general, I like testing week. It reminds me of James Irwin, it symbolizes the end of this era for Isaiah and I, and I do not have to teach during it; I only read instructions to my kiddos, ones they dare not contradict. Otherwise, they'd have to test again...which nobody wants.
But though the testing at school is, in a literal sense, going well, there is a different kind of testing going on. I can't disclose all the details, but I will speak of a few items on the testing docket for Calli Jade English. I am, as of late, in pretty constant neck and back pain, which the chiropractor visits help a bit but not always. My neck is fairly locked up, and, as some of you know, intense physical pain makes behaving nicely difficult. Pair this with the fact that it's the end of the school semester with students who were already "done" when I first got here. Last week was rough, and I'm still carrying the stress of it in my shoulders and spirit.
But alas, there is more testing still. Japan is more on the horizon than it has ever been, but I am unsure of the path we're taking to get there. There are more moving parts now, and I feel utterly out of orbit. Despite all of the unknowing (leaving North Davidson, Isaiah trying to find a job, us being unsure of the "how" when it comes to Japan, the not knowing if I'll ever get better physically...), there was one thing that seemed certain...at least until yesterday. Yesterday, when I was in the most pain I perhaps have ever been in, we learned that perhaps even this presumably "certain" thing won't happen. I felt like the rug had ripped out from under me, and it felt awful.
I thought that perhaps God was trying to teach me I'm not in control. But I feel He's already been teaching me that, and I really believe I've been a submissive, humble learner. So is this just life?--things I won't understand this side of glory; is it the closing of a door which Isaiah and I thought previously open? Is this God's teaching me yet again even though I am a tired and broken pupil? I do not know. All I can do is WAIT.
I will be still and know that He is God even when my body rails against me. I will be still and know that He is God even when I do not understand. I will be still and know that He is God when it seems that nothing of the woman I once knew will be left.
But the one thing I will not try to be still about, though I tire, is pleading for Christ's discernment in knowing when the Spirit is humbling, changing, and breaking me, and when, in contrast, satan is trying to steal my identity in Jesus and rob me of the gifts that the world doesn't comprehend. It's hard for me to understand when God is teaching and when satan is pummeling me. The only option is to keep looking to Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith. He's the only one who knows what's going on right now.
From Wednesday 13 January…
This week is testing week—in more than one way. My students, at present, are, in a literal sense, testing. We have reached the end of the semester, and their state exams are here. Though I started this test morning feeling queasy about messing up some minute detail, in general, I like testing week. It reminds me of James Irwin, it symbolizes the end of this era for Isaiah and I, and I do not have to teach during it; I only read instructions to my kiddos, ones they dare not contradict. Otherwise, they'd have to test again...which nobody wants.
But though the testing at school is, in a literal sense, going well, there is a different kind of testing going on. I can't disclose all the details, but I will speak of a few items on the testing docket for Calli Jade English. I am, as of late, in pretty constant neck and back pain, which the chiropractor visits help a bit but not always. My neck is fairly locked up, and, as some of you know, intense physical pain makes behaving nicely difficult. Pair this with the fact that it's the end of the school semester with students who were already "done" when I first got here. Last week was rough, and I'm still carrying the stress of it in my shoulders and spirit.
But alas, there is more testing still. Japan is more on the horizon than it has ever been, but I am unsure of the path we're taking to get there. There are more moving parts now, and I feel utterly out of orbit. Despite all of the unknowing (leaving North Davidson, Isaiah trying to find a job, us being unsure of the "how" when it comes to Japan, the not knowing if I'll ever get better physically...), there was one thing that seemed certain...at least until yesterday. Yesterday, when I was in the most pain I perhaps have ever been in, we learned that perhaps even this presumably "certain" thing won't happen. I felt like the rug had ripped out from under me, and it felt awful.
I thought that perhaps God was trying to teach me I'm not in control. But I feel He's already been teaching me that, and I really believe I've been a submissive, humble learner. So is this just life?--things I won't understand this side of glory; is it the closing of a door which Isaiah and I thought previously open? Is this God's teaching me yet again even though I am a tired and broken pupil? I do not know. All I can do is WAIT.
I will be still and know that He is God even when my body rails against me. I will be still and know that He is God even when I do not understand. I will be still and know that He is God when it seems that nothing of the woman I once knew will be left.
But the one thing I will not try to be still about, though I tire, is pleading for Christ's discernment in knowing when the Spirit is humbling, changing, and breaking me, and when, in contrast, satan is trying to steal my identity in Jesus and rob me of the gifts that the world doesn't comprehend. It's hard for me to understand when God is teaching and when satan is pummeling me. The only option is to keep looking to Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith. He's the only one who knows what's going on right now.
Saturday, January 9, 2016
Notes From an Almost Done Semester
Went on a breadroute with Isaiah this morning. We awoke around 4AM and drove to Concord. I slept the whole way and even slept in the car while Isaiah loaded the bread onto the truck. After that, I was able to get out at a few stops and help, but couldn't after a while due to the immense exhaustion I felt. It seemed as though everything hurt (stomach, back, head, neck) and every ounce of patience I had was used for simple tasks like not yelling at my husband for no reason. I knew I was tired this morning and that going on the breadroute would be a sacrifice, one I was happy to make for my Quality Time husband who I've missed. What I didn't realize was the intensity of the physical exhaustion and the fact that I had other forms of exhaustion too...hidden ones.
At one point, Isaiah and I ended up having a fight about nothing, which frustrated me immensely since I had no desire to fight (I honestly didn't have the energy for it anyway), much less over something I did not care about and found unimportant. Fast forward to me having an emotional breakdown that has been in the making for months.
All of the stress from school: a few hateful students who backhandedly insult and outright disrespect, guilt for not being more heavy-handed and justice-driven with them, guilt for not being able to be more stern and for what seems an inability to yell, feelings of failure, anxiety over testing next week, wondering why I can't seem to connect with people at work the way I usually do (teachers or students)--all of it came out in tears and upset ranting about feeling like a bad wife. Isaiah was of course understanding, sweet, and encouraging, which was awesome. I left the whole situation more fully grasping the weight I've been under these past few months. So many times, I end the school day disappointed but feeling okay because it's over and I did my best. Didn't realize that I was affected a lot more that I was giving myself credit for...in a bad way.
My husband served as encouragement during this time, and so did the missionary wife story I was reading, one based on Rosalind Goforth. She's super honest in her account about her lack of patience, her anger, even her late grasping of what it means to have the Holy Spirit living inside of us. Her failures made me feel in good company--like maybe, despite all of my failings, God can and will still use me! Of course, the Christian answer is to say that God works best when we are humble and know we can't do it....I'm not really going to lie and say I am at the point of believing that. But I will say that reading about another fellow failure who was used mightily, helped!
I have one more week at North Davidson. Monday is pretty much a "wash day," meaning the majority of my students won't be there and that I won't be teaching a lot to the ones who are there. They are ready for the Final Exams, so there's really little else to do. After Monday, it's one exam per day, and though giving official exams scares me a little, I remember it being pretty easy at James Irwin, so I feel good about it. And bonus: exam days are half days. So, we are almost out of this very difficult season. God is almost done with this time of testing and muscle building, which I am grateful for.
I still struggle with understanding why this semester happened, what I even did being at this school, what the point of all this was; I honestly felt until this past week that my presence at North didn't matter at all. I now believe there is at least one reason I have been there, one I discovered after telling the students why I wouldn't be coming back next semester.
When I told my kids that I was leaving to get classes completed for going to do missions work in Japan, the reaction I got surprised me. Most were very interested. In fact, my two strongest atheist students talked to me the most about it, which was encouraging. God used me to strike a nerve in them, and that alone is worth this whole semester! If all my students get from me being at North is a curiosity about their teacher leaving to be a missionary, or a memory of how their teacher talked about going to minister for God, that is MORE THAN ENOUGH.
A lot of students are excited for me and talked about visiting me in Japan one day and adding me on facebook, so they can keep up with what we're doing. I think more of them liked me than I knew honestly. Of course, I knew that most of 1st and 3rd period liked me, but I've been shocked lately at how many of my 2nd period kiddos have taken interest, and how many of them have wanted to be in my classroom during different periods or before school, this week especially.
I noticed something else this past week too, which I wish I would have discovered earlier. I thought for a while that so many of my students left their stuff in my room simply because it was a place to leave it, but I am starting to see that some of them did it because they really do like me at least a little and appreciate talking to me even if just for a few minutes.
I think maybe it's been harder for me to notice their interest and appreciation simply because it's more understated than what I experienced before. Working at James Irwin, kids were way honest about how they loved and needed you; at North, it's more like: "I like you, so I'll stick my bag in your room in order to come back and say hi," or "I think you're great, so I'll just leave you origami on your desk and not say anything about it." It's like a great Indie film where everything is done small, partially I think because they haven't gotten to feel completely open or safe yet (I haven't been there long enough).
I actually got an email from another teacher on Friday, mentioning how a student had spoken with her about how me admired me for my patience with his class and was excited for my work in Japan! What a nice refresher when I had, up until that point, only received word that students talked about hating me a lot. How nice to receive encouragement about what matters most, my Christian testimony of grace and patience. I had simply grown used to students insulting my teaching, grading, lack of discipline, too much discipline, and anything else they could conjure up, and then they started telling people better things this past week....it's almost like some of them were quiet about it until now and others hid their affection via hatred like their peers. I won't say I'm elated, but I will say that I am very happy to know that I at least left a legacy of something other than hatred....some of the kids, I believe, will remember their teacher of only a partial semester who left to minster for God, their teacher who, perhaps they didn't understand, but somehow, by he end, liked anyway....despite themselves. That's a pretty great legacy to leave.
Added note: I was invited to fishing party at High Rock Lake by two of my students who previously gave me a really hard time. Lately, they've been the best defenders I've had this semester, and, though, of course, I had to decline the invitation, it was so sweet to be asked to come catch some catfish with two of my Davidson County boys at 7:10 at the lake...A different student told me that I was at least doing better than him since I got invited to a high school party. Cracks me up!
At one point, Isaiah and I ended up having a fight about nothing, which frustrated me immensely since I had no desire to fight (I honestly didn't have the energy for it anyway), much less over something I did not care about and found unimportant. Fast forward to me having an emotional breakdown that has been in the making for months.
All of the stress from school: a few hateful students who backhandedly insult and outright disrespect, guilt for not being more heavy-handed and justice-driven with them, guilt for not being able to be more stern and for what seems an inability to yell, feelings of failure, anxiety over testing next week, wondering why I can't seem to connect with people at work the way I usually do (teachers or students)--all of it came out in tears and upset ranting about feeling like a bad wife. Isaiah was of course understanding, sweet, and encouraging, which was awesome. I left the whole situation more fully grasping the weight I've been under these past few months. So many times, I end the school day disappointed but feeling okay because it's over and I did my best. Didn't realize that I was affected a lot more that I was giving myself credit for...in a bad way.
My husband served as encouragement during this time, and so did the missionary wife story I was reading, one based on Rosalind Goforth. She's super honest in her account about her lack of patience, her anger, even her late grasping of what it means to have the Holy Spirit living inside of us. Her failures made me feel in good company--like maybe, despite all of my failings, God can and will still use me! Of course, the Christian answer is to say that God works best when we are humble and know we can't do it....I'm not really going to lie and say I am at the point of believing that. But I will say that reading about another fellow failure who was used mightily, helped!
I have one more week at North Davidson. Monday is pretty much a "wash day," meaning the majority of my students won't be there and that I won't be teaching a lot to the ones who are there. They are ready for the Final Exams, so there's really little else to do. After Monday, it's one exam per day, and though giving official exams scares me a little, I remember it being pretty easy at James Irwin, so I feel good about it. And bonus: exam days are half days. So, we are almost out of this very difficult season. God is almost done with this time of testing and muscle building, which I am grateful for.
I still struggle with understanding why this semester happened, what I even did being at this school, what the point of all this was; I honestly felt until this past week that my presence at North didn't matter at all. I now believe there is at least one reason I have been there, one I discovered after telling the students why I wouldn't be coming back next semester.
When I told my kids that I was leaving to get classes completed for going to do missions work in Japan, the reaction I got surprised me. Most were very interested. In fact, my two strongest atheist students talked to me the most about it, which was encouraging. God used me to strike a nerve in them, and that alone is worth this whole semester! If all my students get from me being at North is a curiosity about their teacher leaving to be a missionary, or a memory of how their teacher talked about going to minister for God, that is MORE THAN ENOUGH.
A lot of students are excited for me and talked about visiting me in Japan one day and adding me on facebook, so they can keep up with what we're doing. I think more of them liked me than I knew honestly. Of course, I knew that most of 1st and 3rd period liked me, but I've been shocked lately at how many of my 2nd period kiddos have taken interest, and how many of them have wanted to be in my classroom during different periods or before school, this week especially.
I noticed something else this past week too, which I wish I would have discovered earlier. I thought for a while that so many of my students left their stuff in my room simply because it was a place to leave it, but I am starting to see that some of them did it because they really do like me at least a little and appreciate talking to me even if just for a few minutes.
I think maybe it's been harder for me to notice their interest and appreciation simply because it's more understated than what I experienced before. Working at James Irwin, kids were way honest about how they loved and needed you; at North, it's more like: "I like you, so I'll stick my bag in your room in order to come back and say hi," or "I think you're great, so I'll just leave you origami on your desk and not say anything about it." It's like a great Indie film where everything is done small, partially I think because they haven't gotten to feel completely open or safe yet (I haven't been there long enough).
I actually got an email from another teacher on Friday, mentioning how a student had spoken with her about how me admired me for my patience with his class and was excited for my work in Japan! What a nice refresher when I had, up until that point, only received word that students talked about hating me a lot. How nice to receive encouragement about what matters most, my Christian testimony of grace and patience. I had simply grown used to students insulting my teaching, grading, lack of discipline, too much discipline, and anything else they could conjure up, and then they started telling people better things this past week....it's almost like some of them were quiet about it until now and others hid their affection via hatred like their peers. I won't say I'm elated, but I will say that I am very happy to know that I at least left a legacy of something other than hatred....some of the kids, I believe, will remember their teacher of only a partial semester who left to minster for God, their teacher who, perhaps they didn't understand, but somehow, by he end, liked anyway....despite themselves. That's a pretty great legacy to leave.
Added note: I was invited to fishing party at High Rock Lake by two of my students who previously gave me a really hard time. Lately, they've been the best defenders I've had this semester, and, though, of course, I had to decline the invitation, it was so sweet to be asked to come catch some catfish with two of my Davidson County boys at 7:10 at the lake...A different student told me that I was at least doing better than him since I got invited to a high school party. Cracks me up!
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Losing Control...
It would be an understatement to say that I am very confused by God at the moment. Recently, I've been coming to terms with "the plan" I felt was being laid out for Isaiah and I. I was under the understanding that I would teach for my last two weeks (I cannot express to you how deeply I am dreading slash afraid of Monday), return home to read and invest in the Word and complete my bible classes for TEAM through an online school. Then, in May, we would be trained for Japan and then head to the Boardwalk Chapel for the summer before starting our journey in the joys of fundraising. It is a beautiful plan, and I was just getting comfortable with it. I am not saying this plan isn't happening. Simply that, right now, there is a different possibility with Japan that had previously not been on the table. In other words, there is chance that my nice, little plan, the one I felt God was laying out, will not happen. Again, no definites....which is part of the problem.
Essentially, it's the classic: Man makes his plans. God directs his ways. The problem is I really thought that the plan I was seeing set out was His plan, and I believed my ways were finally aligned with His. Now, I am at the point of admitting that I am unsure of this. The only things I KNOW God wants for specifically my future at the moment are the following: I need to soak in His Word, and we are headed for Japan at some point in some way. All the other details I thought God was telling me....Yeah, apparently they're always up for grabs.
So, here we are. Finally thought we were sure of some things. Now I feel less sure than ever. The funny thing is I was recently telling Paul and Judi (Isaiah's parents) three things: (1) I am grateful for God filling me in more and am finally feeling comfortable with the plan (2) I feel very NOT ready to be a missionary wife right now and am glad for the waiting (3) I need more faith and trust in God before heading into missions....I asked them to pray for this! Dumb.....Well, not dumb, but you know how asking God for character traits goes. Items 1 and 2 have now been completely thrown into question, and item 3, that prayer request, is on the loose in my life already....I didn't think God would start answering that request the same day I asked! I mean, isn't there some kind of delay usually???? Especially on things like faith and trust! I wasn't ready even though I asked [Insert the sound of 26-year-old whining].
The things being thrown into question aren't bad, and Japan is more than still "on the map" in the near future. It simply seems that though I thought I knew where God was taking me, I may actually have been holding the map upside down. At present, I am feeling that (1) There is no official map or plan that I actually understand....His ways are not my ways, and I am just along for the ride...whenever it decides to take off and (2) It may be that the moments and times we feel most incompetent are right when he throws us in, because then we depend on the Spirit.
I cannot claim to know what the heck God is doing right now. But I do think He may be teaching me not only faith and trust, but also that I have zero control over how He's getting us on the mission field. (I am also starting to get inklings of why he stuck me in the hardest semester of teaching I've ever had...though again, I am unsure of anything which very much includes the "whys")
God has been stripping me of control and personal identity hardcore since February. I'll try to fill you in on more details in a coming post. For now, just know that I am sincerely losing entire sections of "who I am" according to worldly definitions. I am being stripped down to all I have being Christ, which is both immensely exciting and entirely terrifying. I literally feel these days that I have very little that can be taken away besides my Jesus. In addition, despite the royal freak-out about not knowing God's plan like I thought and not feeling ready in the slightest for any of the spiritual tests or possibilities going on, I am just now at the point of surrender. I don't know anything really. No, I am not okay with this. But I am too tired to fight. I just want to submit and rest in the Father's arms. It's all I CAN do right now.
I've learned submission in big ways with my husband since summer especially. Now I am transferring that to God...or rather, he is tiring me out so that I have little choice. It's a blessing, I know. I'm not quite rejoicing yet, but neither am I putting up a fight. I am just "being". I feel capable of little else. I have been comfortable with vulnerability before but not really submission. I thought it would be harder that it is to be honest. With my husband, it was a fight that he won over through continuous love, care, and trust. With God, it's hardly a fight at all. It's a tranquilizer gun that I welcome due to my almost utter exhaustion and confusion.
I am the lamb being carried upon God's shoulders who he conked out with his staff. I'm not sure I'm okay with this but....I'm not really conscience enough to really question it. I am here. I am ready to serve. I am waiting for doors to open and close. That's all I can or want to do at the moment. I can feel the blood running through my veins, but it no longer feels like mine. I can tell my mind wants to race, but it has been quieted. I could try to get up, ask for more lessons, ask for understanding, grapple like I have been for the past few days....but I no longer have the motivation to do so. I am trusting. I am resting. And to be honest...it feels nothing like I thought it would. It's not the peaceful thing people describe but neither is it a super struggle. It just is. And that is all I know.
Until next time,
A confused and verbal, but nonetheless chilled-out Sheep
Essentially, it's the classic: Man makes his plans. God directs his ways. The problem is I really thought that the plan I was seeing set out was His plan, and I believed my ways were finally aligned with His. Now, I am at the point of admitting that I am unsure of this. The only things I KNOW God wants for specifically my future at the moment are the following: I need to soak in His Word, and we are headed for Japan at some point in some way. All the other details I thought God was telling me....Yeah, apparently they're always up for grabs.
So, here we are. Finally thought we were sure of some things. Now I feel less sure than ever. The funny thing is I was recently telling Paul and Judi (Isaiah's parents) three things: (1) I am grateful for God filling me in more and am finally feeling comfortable with the plan (2) I feel very NOT ready to be a missionary wife right now and am glad for the waiting (3) I need more faith and trust in God before heading into missions....I asked them to pray for this! Dumb.....Well, not dumb, but you know how asking God for character traits goes. Items 1 and 2 have now been completely thrown into question, and item 3, that prayer request, is on the loose in my life already....I didn't think God would start answering that request the same day I asked! I mean, isn't there some kind of delay usually???? Especially on things like faith and trust! I wasn't ready even though I asked [Insert the sound of 26-year-old whining].
The things being thrown into question aren't bad, and Japan is more than still "on the map" in the near future. It simply seems that though I thought I knew where God was taking me, I may actually have been holding the map upside down. At present, I am feeling that (1) There is no official map or plan that I actually understand....His ways are not my ways, and I am just along for the ride...whenever it decides to take off and (2) It may be that the moments and times we feel most incompetent are right when he throws us in, because then we depend on the Spirit.
I cannot claim to know what the heck God is doing right now. But I do think He may be teaching me not only faith and trust, but also that I have zero control over how He's getting us on the mission field. (I am also starting to get inklings of why he stuck me in the hardest semester of teaching I've ever had...though again, I am unsure of anything which very much includes the "whys")
God has been stripping me of control and personal identity hardcore since February. I'll try to fill you in on more details in a coming post. For now, just know that I am sincerely losing entire sections of "who I am" according to worldly definitions. I am being stripped down to all I have being Christ, which is both immensely exciting and entirely terrifying. I literally feel these days that I have very little that can be taken away besides my Jesus. In addition, despite the royal freak-out about not knowing God's plan like I thought and not feeling ready in the slightest for any of the spiritual tests or possibilities going on, I am just now at the point of surrender. I don't know anything really. No, I am not okay with this. But I am too tired to fight. I just want to submit and rest in the Father's arms. It's all I CAN do right now.
I've learned submission in big ways with my husband since summer especially. Now I am transferring that to God...or rather, he is tiring me out so that I have little choice. It's a blessing, I know. I'm not quite rejoicing yet, but neither am I putting up a fight. I am just "being". I feel capable of little else. I have been comfortable with vulnerability before but not really submission. I thought it would be harder that it is to be honest. With my husband, it was a fight that he won over through continuous love, care, and trust. With God, it's hardly a fight at all. It's a tranquilizer gun that I welcome due to my almost utter exhaustion and confusion.
I am the lamb being carried upon God's shoulders who he conked out with his staff. I'm not sure I'm okay with this but....I'm not really conscience enough to really question it. I am here. I am ready to serve. I am waiting for doors to open and close. That's all I can or want to do at the moment. I can feel the blood running through my veins, but it no longer feels like mine. I can tell my mind wants to race, but it has been quieted. I could try to get up, ask for more lessons, ask for understanding, grapple like I have been for the past few days....but I no longer have the motivation to do so. I am trusting. I am resting. And to be honest...it feels nothing like I thought it would. It's not the peaceful thing people describe but neither is it a super struggle. It just is. And that is all I know.
Until next time,
A confused and verbal, but nonetheless chilled-out Sheep
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