Went on a breadroute with Isaiah this morning. We awoke around 4AM and drove to Concord. I slept the whole way and even slept in the car while Isaiah loaded the bread onto the truck. After that, I was able to get out at a few stops and help, but couldn't after a while due to the immense exhaustion I felt. It seemed as though everything hurt (stomach, back, head, neck) and every ounce of patience I had was used for simple tasks like not yelling at my husband for no reason. I knew I was tired this morning and that going on the breadroute would be a sacrifice, one I was happy to make for my Quality Time husband who I've missed. What I didn't realize was the intensity of the physical exhaustion and the fact that I had other forms of exhaustion too...hidden ones.
At one point, Isaiah and I ended up having a fight about nothing, which frustrated me immensely since I had no desire to fight (I honestly didn't have the energy for it anyway), much less over something I did not care about and found unimportant. Fast forward to me having an emotional breakdown that has been in the making for months.
All of the stress from school: a few hateful students who backhandedly insult and outright disrespect, guilt for not being more heavy-handed and justice-driven with them, guilt for not being able to be more stern and for what seems an inability to yell, feelings of failure, anxiety over testing next week, wondering why I can't seem to connect with people at work the way I usually do (teachers or students)--all of it came out in tears and upset ranting about feeling like a bad wife. Isaiah was of course understanding, sweet, and encouraging, which was awesome. I left the whole situation more fully grasping the weight I've been under these past few months. So many times, I end the school day disappointed but feeling okay because it's over and I did my best. Didn't realize that I was affected a lot more that I was giving myself credit for...in a bad way.
My husband served as encouragement during this time, and so did the missionary wife story I was reading, one based on Rosalind Goforth. She's super honest in her account about her lack of patience, her anger, even her late grasping of what it means to have the Holy Spirit living inside of us. Her failures made me feel in good company--like maybe, despite all of my failings, God can and will still use me! Of course, the Christian answer is to say that God works best when we are humble and know we can't do it....I'm not really going to lie and say I am at the point of believing that. But I will say that reading about another fellow failure who was used mightily, helped!
I have one more week at North Davidson. Monday is pretty much a "wash day," meaning the majority of my students won't be there and that I won't be teaching a lot to the ones who are there. They are ready for the Final Exams, so there's really little else to do. After Monday, it's one exam per day, and though giving official exams scares me a little, I remember it being pretty easy at James Irwin, so I feel good about it. And bonus: exam days are half days. So, we are almost out of this very difficult season. God is almost done with this time of testing and muscle building, which I am grateful for.
I still struggle with understanding why this semester happened, what I even did being at this school, what the point of all this was; I honestly felt until this past week that my presence at North didn't matter at all. I now believe there is at least one reason I have been there, one I discovered after telling the students why I wouldn't be coming back next semester.
When I told my kids that I was leaving to get classes completed for going to do missions work in Japan, the reaction I got surprised me. Most were very interested. In fact, my two strongest atheist students talked to me the most about it, which was encouraging. God used me to strike a nerve in them, and that alone is worth this whole semester! If all my students get from me being at North is a curiosity about their teacher leaving to be a missionary, or a memory of how their teacher talked about going to minister for God, that is MORE THAN ENOUGH.
A lot of students are excited for me and talked about visiting me in Japan one day and adding me on facebook, so they can keep up with what we're doing. I think more of them liked me than I knew honestly. Of course, I knew that most of 1st and 3rd period liked me, but I've been shocked lately at how many of my 2nd period kiddos have taken interest, and how many of them have wanted to be in my classroom during different periods or before school, this week especially.
I noticed something else this past week too, which I wish I would have discovered earlier. I thought for a while that so many of my students left their stuff in my room simply because it was a place to leave it, but I am starting to see that some of them did it because they really do like me at least a little and appreciate talking to me even if just for a few minutes.
I think maybe it's been harder for me to notice their interest and appreciation simply because it's more understated than what I experienced before. Working at James Irwin, kids were way honest about how they loved and needed you; at North, it's more like: "I like you, so I'll stick my bag in your room in order to come back and say hi," or "I think you're great, so I'll just leave you origami on your desk and not say anything about it." It's like a great Indie film where everything is done small, partially I think because they haven't gotten to feel completely open or safe yet (I haven't been there long enough).
I actually got an email from another teacher on Friday, mentioning how a student had spoken with her about how me admired me for my patience with his class and was excited for my work in Japan! What a nice refresher when I had, up until that point, only received word that students talked about hating me a lot. How nice to receive encouragement about what matters most, my Christian testimony of grace and patience. I had simply grown used to students insulting my teaching, grading, lack of discipline, too much discipline, and anything else they could conjure up, and then they started telling people better things this past week....it's almost like some of them were quiet about it until now and others hid their affection via hatred like their peers. I won't say I'm elated, but I will say that I am very happy to know that I at least left a legacy of something other than hatred....some of the kids, I believe, will remember their teacher of only a partial semester who left to minster for God, their teacher who, perhaps they didn't understand, but somehow, by he end, liked anyway....despite themselves. That's a pretty great legacy to leave.
Added note: I was invited to fishing party at High Rock Lake by two of my students who previously gave me a really hard time. Lately, they've been the best defenders I've had this semester, and, though, of course, I had to decline the invitation, it was so sweet to be asked to come catch some catfish with two of my Davidson County boys at 7:10 at the lake...A different student told me that I was at least doing better than him since I got invited to a high school party. Cracks me up!
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