Essentially, it's the classic: Man makes his plans. God directs his ways. The problem is I really thought that the plan I was seeing set out was His plan, and I believed my ways were finally aligned with His. Now, I am at the point of admitting that I am unsure of this. The only things I KNOW God wants for specifically my future at the moment are the following: I need to soak in His Word, and we are headed for Japan at some point in some way. All the other details I thought God was telling me....Yeah, apparently they're always up for grabs.
So, here we are. Finally thought we were sure of some things. Now I feel less sure than ever. The funny thing is I was recently telling Paul and Judi (Isaiah's parents) three things: (1) I am grateful for God filling me in more and am finally feeling comfortable with the plan (2) I feel very NOT ready to be a missionary wife right now and am glad for the waiting (3) I need more faith and trust in God before heading into missions....I asked them to pray for this! Dumb.....Well, not dumb, but you know how asking God for character traits goes. Items 1 and 2 have now been completely thrown into question, and item 3, that prayer request, is on the loose in my life already....I didn't think God would start answering that request the same day I asked! I mean, isn't there some kind of delay usually???? Especially on things like faith and trust! I wasn't ready even though I asked [Insert the sound of 26-year-old whining].
The things being thrown into question aren't bad, and Japan is more than still "on the map" in the near future. It simply seems that though I thought I knew where God was taking me, I may actually have been holding the map upside down. At present, I am feeling that (1) There is no official map or plan that I actually understand....His ways are not my ways, and I am just along for the ride...whenever it decides to take off and (2) It may be that the moments and times we feel most incompetent are right when he throws us in, because then we depend on the Spirit.
I cannot claim to know what the heck God is doing right now. But I do think He may be teaching me not only faith and trust, but also that I have zero control over how He's getting us on the mission field. (I am also starting to get inklings of why he stuck me in the hardest semester of teaching I've ever had...though again, I am unsure of anything which very much includes the "whys")
God has been stripping me of control and personal identity hardcore since February. I'll try to fill you in on more details in a coming post. For now, just know that I am sincerely losing entire sections of "who I am" according to worldly definitions. I am being stripped down to all I have being Christ, which is both immensely exciting and entirely terrifying. I literally feel these days that I have very little that can be taken away besides my Jesus. In addition, despite the royal freak-out about not knowing God's plan like I thought and not feeling ready in the slightest for any of the spiritual tests or possibilities going on, I am just now at the point of surrender. I don't know anything really. No, I am not okay with this. But I am too tired to fight. I just want to submit and rest in the Father's arms. It's all I CAN do right now.
I've learned submission in big ways with my husband since summer especially. Now I am transferring that to God...or rather, he is tiring me out so that I have little choice. It's a blessing, I know. I'm not quite rejoicing yet, but neither am I putting up a fight. I am just "being". I feel capable of little else. I have been comfortable with vulnerability before but not really submission. I thought it would be harder that it is to be honest. With my husband, it was a fight that he won over through continuous love, care, and trust. With God, it's hardly a fight at all. It's a tranquilizer gun that I welcome due to my almost utter exhaustion and confusion.
I am the lamb being carried upon God's shoulders who he conked out with his staff. I'm not sure I'm okay with this but....I'm not really conscience enough to really question it. I am here. I am ready to serve. I am waiting for doors to open and close. That's all I can or want to do at the moment. I can feel the blood running through my veins, but it no longer feels like mine. I can tell my mind wants to race, but it has been quieted. I could try to get up, ask for more lessons, ask for understanding, grapple like I have been for the past few days....but I no longer have the motivation to do so. I am trusting. I am resting. And to be honest...it feels nothing like I thought it would. It's not the peaceful thing people describe but neither is it a super struggle. It just is. And that is all I know.
Until next time,
A confused and verbal, but nonetheless chilled-out Sheep
No comments:
Post a Comment