I don't usually like to write posts when I'm discouraged or muddled or don't know what I'm doing. However, I felt as though it might be helpful to get a window into what the husband is like when he's not feeling his best. Normally I just get quieter when I'm tired or sick, but sometimes I have to let things out.
I'm going use the cliché "not going to lie" because in this case I do really mean that instead of pretending as though things are going according to my plan, or at least that I'm chill with whatever God is doing, I'm actually going to tell you that things are hard right now.
Calli quit teaching for a number of reasons and while it was happening it had it's own version of being hard. It was hard taking her to work each day while she begged me not to leave her or to not make her go. It was hard to go from that to cheerfully cleaning the house and running errands because I almost felt guilty if I enjoyed myself too much while she was suffering. It was hard having only one car and trying to work my schedule around picking her up mid-afternoon and not knowing if we'd head home right away or if we'd stick around doing things for another 2 or 3 hours (making it impossible to start supper before getting home).
However, something that was not hard with her teaching was money. Calli was well paid for her trouble so at least we didn't have to worry about covering expenses.
In some mysterious way once the cash flow sputters the expenses tend to add up pretty quickly. Calli registered for an online Bible certificate degree for $1500 and our computer died so we had to get another for about $1300 right as she ended her semester of teaching. Those are just the big ticket items. On top of that it's time for the car to be registered and the check engine light is on, which is a problem because we heard from a Nissan mechanic that Nissan technicians usually won't even mess with the wiring harness on a car as old as ours for fear of messing something else up. ("You might drive it in and not be able to drive it back out…") So we have an unknown cost for car repairs which may not even be possible to get performed…it turns out to be the perfect recipe for a headache.
On top of this, just as Calli got out of school she got sick and it snowed. The snow kept me from being able to run a bread route and make some cash that weekend. Instead we spent it inside lying in bed, not even getting to play in the snow.
Calli being sick has been hard for both of us this past weekend and current week. Not only has she been largely immobile and unable to get things she needs, but our sleep schedules have become totally opposite. She's been sleeping intermittently during the day and then being awake all night, whereas I've been trying to help her out during the day, but just tired out at night trying to sleep so I don't get sick myself. (Yes, in case you were going to tell me, I know it is practice for parenting infants…it's still hard.)
Add to this that in my wife's sickness she lost her voice which has made everything more difficult. Not only have I been largely deprived of the constant talks I so much enjoy with her, but other communication is even more difficult. I cannot read her mind and so her gestures often do not make sense to me leaving me slightly frustrated, and my misunderstanding of her efforts to communicate without words bring her frustration as well. So we end up in one frustrated mess because she's sick, can't talk, and I can't understand what she needs. I guess that's what they call learning patience.
For me it's both a good thing and a hard thing that God has not given me regular employment yet. It's good in that I am able to be around and help my wife out. It's hard because my schedule is extremely erratic right now and instead of having something to not only pay the bills, but devote my attention to, I never know when my wife might wake up and need assistance.
The last few days have been a challenge for the Isaiah & Calli Englishes. Sickness always makes patience and kindness harder, and when one gets impatient with the sickness itself for staying so long everything gets even harder. However, we're still hanging on to God and to each other. We do know at the end of the day that we still love God and love each other. I do believe that nothing can happen to us outside of God's control and that every easy or hard thing is meant to bring Him glory and us good.
Do pray for us as we finally have everything in on our end for going to Japan with TEAM, but must wait to hear back till March. In the meantime I need to find some more monetary employment which is hard since I can only do something temporary, but lots of jobs are looking for long-term commitments. I've been putting out applications and résumés, but the results are in the hand of God.
There's also things like the car inspection which is not done and I don't know when or how that will work out.
I'm not sure I need this caveat, but for my sake I will say that I'm not trying to have a pity party here. I'm simply being honest about the discouraging things that have made it hard for us to trust, hope, and love. There's a lot that God is doing right now which is comforting, exciting, and cool (my wife already wrote about a lot of it). I just wanted to let you know our life is not going according to our plans or ideal wishes, but God is in control and we trust Him.
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