Why We Can Afford to Look Back

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in my family who is willing to remember the way we were--to remember back when we were together in one house and semi-happy. I keep all of the old family photos and memories in this head and heart and in these albums of mine waiting for the day when someone wants to remember with me. I store the good and the bad times in computer folders whilst everyone else tries to crash their hard drives; to forget...because forgetting is easier, forgetting hurts less.

I remember watching Discovery Kids when I was eleven. I was watching some challenge show where people lived in pods. It was weird but cool at the same time. Anyway, this one time all the kids in the competition had the stand on coals for as long as they could. They had the option of standing on a cool surface for five mins during the process. Turned out the folks who stood on the cool surface for a bit, only to return to the coals, ended up struggling super hard. The only competitor who chose to stay on the coals the entire time, won. He said that never standing on the cool surface gave him the edge because remembering what good feels like in the midst of pain only makes pain worse.

In a way, this is true.

People in my family keep saying things that I know are lies. Like how they never loved a certain person or how they only remember how screwed up we were as a family unit. My brothers even claim they have no childhood memories at all.

I know these things are false because I have evidence. I have love letters and notes and memories of love and conversations in which my brothers remember details from childhood.

The thing is, everyone is afraid it might hurt more if they remember the good of growing up Cleary. They're afraid because remembering what good felt like in the midst of pain only makes pain worse by contrast. When you remember what good was like, the present pain; the bad, feels more extreme.

It takes bravery to remember the good because then we notice the depth of the change that took place to make that same thing bad. When a hero falls, it's worse than when a normal man struggles because of the weight of the good that was lost. Same Concept.

The question is: if and when we open ourselves to hurt; to the hurt of remembering....what is there to replace what is broken? The good thing is, even if it hurts to remember the past, realization and enlightenment come with remembering. And these new hopes can help heal the old wound. You might see how God was present in an old memory or be able to receive love from others that you couldn't the first time around. You may see things you didn't notice when you re-remember. You might have deeper insight now and understand what something meant more. You may even forgive for the first time. You may start to hope. And hope is not a thing with feathers. Sorry, Emily Dickinson, but hope is mighty force that when set free, can take over an entire skyline.

When I think about the pain and simultaneous healing & wondrous nature of remembering the good, I think about Meg Ryan. I imagine the scene in "You've Got Mail" where she's remembering dancing with her mother in her shop, the shop which is now closing down. The memory is painful because she is dealing with the pain of losing her mother all over again, especially because tons of their memories took place in the shop which will soon be out of her hands. But the memory doesn't only bring pain. The memory may hurt and sort of manage to rip the band-aid off Meg Ryan's wound, but the memory also brings her great joy. The pain of remembering is worth it because the memory is lovely and good. And this time, the full depth of meaning is felt because her mother is gone, the shop is soon gone, and she understands all that was and all that no longer is.

There is pain in remembering.

But the remembering is worth it.

When I remember, I understand the depth of meaning within the experience more not only because I have now lived the experience at least once, but also because, everything in hindsight, has better color. And color....helps us see clearly on the darkest of days.