The Honest Truth of Where I Am

There are times when I feel incredibly unwanted. Sometimes, despite my typically loud personality, I feel like a  piece of furniture in the room that folks could take or leave. Not teaching has made it worse because I no longer have little ones depending on me to "be there" everyday, and I don't feel that my talents are being used, so I ask "What's the point of me?" quite often these days.

I also don't feel like tons of folks are that attached to me anymore. My mom and husband, but not that many others. Used to feel like it mattered a lot if I was present. Now I'm not so sure. It's not that I'm suicidal. I simply often feel incredibly replaceable. In fact, a few people might vocally say they would replace me if given a choice. Or simply delete me all together. 

I've never felt that way before. It's new. And horrid. I think I'm starting to understand the pain my mother has felt. It makes me love her more. It also makes me mad that people are allowed to make other people feel so utterly unlovely and discarded. Like seashells thrown away because they don't shine the right way in the sunlight. But flip them over and they have so much to offer that's ignored.

It's hard to have hopes that are left unfulfilled. It's difficult to think that time somewhere has been a waste. I don't feel like I've made all that much of a difference in certain circles I'm a part of. I know that the church my husband and I are at is not where we're staying (after all, we're leaving in a few weeks), and furthermore, I wonder if we should have attended somewhere else this whole time. We may have gotten more connections and perhaps grown. Or not. I don't know. I simply thought I knew it was right at the time to go there. 

Just like I thought I knew I was coming home to help my family, which is now more divided than ever (though perhaps emotionally healthier). 

Just like I thought I knew who loved me and what support I had and who I'd be close to.

Just like I thought I knew not to teach for a year. It still hurts not to drive to a school. 

Every damn morning. 

[Excuse my frank manner]

Just like I think I know Isaiah and I are called to Japan. Just like I know we both know we have no plans after New Jersey this summer. 

I really am trying to trust God. I need to be praying more for Him to increase my trust & faith. I know this. I'm simply not asking. Because I know He'll do it. And because I trust me more than I trust Him, so I don't really want Him to help.

Stupid as that is.

The logic of it? If I fail, no skin off; expected. And at least I have no one to blame but myself.

If God fails? "There goes my entire life's calling and purpose," I hear as something drops over Niagra Falls. 

I'm just impatient. Always have been.

Passion. Not my struggle.

Fear. Nope. 

Loneliness. No.

But Patience. Man is that hard for me.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

To me, those words sound like a ticking clock counting down the ceaseless hours of me sitting when I should be actively pursuing. But how to actively pursue when the arrow points to um....nowhere? So it seems.

And when you feel awkward around the Christian support you have. 

And when you are a do-er. Not a sitter. 

And when you are dying inside to go, go, go. Do. Explore. 

When verbs are your mantra, and you're living a life of nouns. 

Nouns suck. So boring. So full of non-life (ironic huh?). So incredibly not anything without action.

I like kicking my butt and kicking butt in general. But sitting on it? No thanks. 

I also really like leaving my family in a good place before heading out. I did last time when I left for college. But there are so many loose ends this time. It feels incredibly awful and wrong.

I also love feeling purpose and like there's some theme in the works.

I also really love feeling like a part of my own life and a part of the people in it who are supposed to want me. 

But as the old song says, "You can't always get what you want." 

But I can have what I need. And that is God. The Ultimate Lover of My Soul who has "got this" even if I'm doubting Thomas at the moment. Oh man, Jesus, I need help.

And I can also have what I need in companionship and acceptance in my husband and mother.

And a few others if I asked.

Even just God would be enough. But I've been given even more. Doubly blessed.

I hope I can start seeing what's right in front of my face and be okay with all the things that aren't as well. 

[God wants me. God likes me. God accepts me. God has plans for me.]

Repeat until Believed.