Back in the Saddle Again; Japan on the Horizon

Well reader, it’s been a long time since I posted anything on this blog. That is for two reasons. I will state the more earthly one first. We have been perhaps more busy than we ever have. Isaiah and I are both now working full-time jobs and are both rather tired at the end of the day. He has taken on a bread route, and I am still teaching at Lexington Senior High School. 

Secondarily, I hadn’t had enough time away from certain items to see the redemptive outline that God is carving in the midst of the circumstances of our lives. It is not that I am opposed to discussing hardship and suffering and earthly circumstances. It is simply that I have a high desire to discuss everything in the light of God’s redemption and plan. I always wish to bring Him ultimate glory. I insist on seeing the glory in circumstances before I attempt to write about things that, let’s be honest, as a mere fallen human, I am already inclined to write falsely. 

God is so much greater that we first assume in all matters, and I want to at least see peeps of his greatness and glory through the cracks in circumstances before I describe a situation. Honesty, without mentioning or focusing on the Glory of Christ, is dishonesty, for He is present in all times and in all circumstances. The truth even now is that I can only write of the glory and redemption I have seen through the cracks of this world whilst the real truth is that ALL is God’s glory—That Glory has overcome and overwhelmed; it is not truly seen through mere glimpses; it consumes all.

But alas, I am fallen and human and limited in this world. I pray daily to see greater and more infinite glory from the Spirit, and He listens to me. May my blogs become so inspired over time that they reek with the glory of God as much as possible in this blinded world. For now, I can only communicate what I see through these dim eyes; but soon, my eyes will be open to real glory. In time, I will see the face of God Himself. Oh, how I long for that day, reader. Oh, how I long for the day when the full truth of God’s greatness and glory and redemption are made known to me….but even then, I will never fully grasp it. He is far to great for us to grasp, which is why we worship Him. 

So, knowing that I cannot possibly convey the greatness of our God and yet being at a better place to do so than I was, I write. 

Isaiah and I have been working a lot and have been using most to pay off loans and “to send.” The truth is, we are all called “to go” and “to send” people into God’s fields, which are ripe for harvest. We are at a place at present where we have the honor and privilege to send workers into God’s fields and to contribute to the local church as well. Though we long to be overseas ourselves, we are fully assured that right now we have a different and yet still equally glorious role; to send and sustain workers already there whilst we work here in the field of Davidson County. 

We are both also excited to report that we have one of my loans fully paid off; balance of zero! The others have gotten very low, and soon they will all be paid off, and we will be better candidates for the mission field. It is our deepest wish that the agency/supporters we go with will only need pay for necessities and for the direct work of Christ. We have no wish for them to be paying off our college loans. We are praying that the Spirit continues to provide for us through hard work and through any other means He wishes to provide. I personally have a renewed sense of hope of the loans coming to an end now that one is completely gone and all others are low. It didn’t feel like we were really getting anything accomplished with them until more recently. (Part of this, I must admit has to do with the fact that Isaiah handles all the finances. I have always had a strong dislike for money and the organization of it. I only like the giving it away and eating out part of the deal.) 

We have had happy holidays full of rest from work (esp. for me) and busyness with loved ones. We had Christmas at the English House, at my grandmother’s, and at our home as well. We loved going to church on Christmas Day as well. What a wonderful thing to have Christmas on Sunday this year! My favorite part is the giving of presents and stuffing of stockings, and these things brought me much joy, especially since I had an extra helper this year in the form of our sister Tasha. Tasha is a friend and dear sister who has been living on an air mattress in our front room. Unfortunately, I am sure this is not the most comfortable arrangement for her, but it works for now. At least she has had the Christmas tree for a night light. :) It has not always been easy for she and us during the last few months, but it has been a blessing to have a sister in our home and to get watch her do quiet times with God and grow closer to Him. Any difficult things are cancelled out by the glory that Christ has gained by having time with his daughter Tasha, whom he loves so. 

When I think about the coming of the new year, and the blessing I have to thank God for, there are a few things that come directly to mind. Rich Fork continues to be the most amazing church we could ask for. They have helped with Tasha, with my father and Colton, and have been so missions focused that when I think of it, it makes me weep with joy. Dad living in a place that is safe and has heat has been a blessing as well. I didn’t realize how often I worried over him in his old house until he finally moved into an apartment under us. I know he is safe now, and I know he has people near him who love him. Of course, I knew God was holding Him before as well, but having heat during a cold winter really does make a difference to an aging daddy and his loving daughter. 

And most of all, I am grateful for God and his gifts of Jesus and the Spirit and for a husband who has only served to help me grow in the Lord. I have such a privilege in being the wife and helper of such a man of God. I cannot believe I used to worry over such trifles like submission, when being under the leadership of Isaiah is the greatest joy I have ever experienced in my life. When a leader lives under God, submission is truly a joy and blessing. I am honored by it. It is simple and easy. And beautiful. 

Isaiah and I are also happy to report that we attended the CROSS Missions Conference sponsored by International Mission Board “IMB” (among others) this week. We are more certain than ever of doing missions in Japan. At this point, I believe it is safe to say that not going to Japan would be direct disobedience to God’s plans for us. I was more hurt than Isaiah after the TEAM agency turned us down last Spring. Isaiah is more used to rejection and waiting than I, and it really took this conference to get me back on a horse which could mean more hurt and rejection. I had been holding onto the reigns of the horse headed toward missions in Japan, but I had also been being dragged along behind that horse with a heart that was hurt and slightly disconnected from the initial urgency we’d felt. This conference was exactly what God intended for us. 

At the conference, we stood when David Platt asked for those who were called and planned to “go” into missions. And we felt great jot when those who felt called to “send” from the States prayed over us and we for them. Isaiah and I have talked and thought about a great many options since TEAM’s decision last Spring. We have thought about MTW who the Sinks are linked up with, the family who has been our contact since early on in the call to Japan. We have thought about To Every Tribe, a missions training school Isaiah has loved since before we were married. And we have thought about my getting linked to a school in Japan to teach and that being our “in.” I even had an interview last Christmas with a school who has recently contacted me again. We have thought over these and received no direct answers from God. I have approached options often with timidity and slight apathy as they have grown in number and in uncertainty. 

However, we have often thought about what the missions board at Rich Fork said when we spoke with them about the option of To Every Tribe, and our greater call to Japan. We were honest with them about our fervor for Japan but our uncertainty of how to get there. The board was very encouraging, and said that if we continued to pursue To Every Tribe, to let them know when things were “going” more. But they also mentioned IMB as a great option. Indeed, this is the agency supported by the Southern Baptist denomination (which RichFork is a part of), and every time the missionaries we already have over there Skype in or send the church a message, it is clear that this agency supports them well. In fact, it fully funds its missionaries so that they can spend all of their time on full-time church building and evangelism. With knowing that our church (whom we love even more after the conference!) supports and likes this agency, and our being under their leadership. And with knowing that David Platt, whom we heard at this conference, heads up this agency. And with the prayer than one of the IMB missionaries (a dear sister named Janna) prayed over us….we are thinking this may just be our next step. 

I am not going to lie. A missions school, a teaching position, or an internship with MTW are all less scary options to me. I am afraid of applying with another large agency, of going through doctor’s appointments and paperwork and pych. evals all over again…just to perhaps be let down. I fear the rejection from something that has required more time and heart. I have never liked rejection. (I wept over the first and only job I was fired from and promptly moved to Georgia with my grandfather because I could not take even remaining in the town I was fired in!) But God is worth everything! He is worth every and any rejection. He is worthy of my life. 

And so, we dive in again, ever into the deep. We do not fear that which is frightening, for Our Lord is on our side. 

Where you Lead, God, We will Follow.

So, I believe it's time to let the cat out of the bag! We've gotten even more radical, or re-radicalized? (...Hmmm...Words are hard.) after our week at the Boardwalk. We got home, started praying about what God wants instead of just assuming things from hints and pushing ahead, and discovered that God had mostly already told us what He wanted anyway; we just need to acknowledge Him and ask because it's all about Him and His direction, not ours. It turns out we were already following a lot of the correct spiritual hints. We just forgot to hit our faces about decisions anyway, which is not good because when we just push forward with hints and not directly asking God, we fill ourselves up with pride, and start to hurt each other. We can do NOTHING without Christ, and when we don't approach his throne on the regular, bad growths on our hearts ensue, human growths which tell us that we can do without God. Since our very aim is to glorify God in all we do, we have no time or patience for these human shenanigans and lies. So, we are hitting our faces more, and are very happy about it!

We were extra blessed to return home to not only deeper prayer with each other, but some prayer time with new friends, Jessie and Adam North! They partner with the Navigators (which I first discovered in Colorado), and they are some fire starters at our church (Rich Fork!) who we didn't know existed until God put them in our path. As a result of our prayer time with them, we are even more assured of Japan (Jessie got a vision from the Lord, and I received two scripture verses that pertained to "going," scriptures that I had never heard before but that God put into my head to read aloud!). In addition, because of them, we've discovered a new Sunday school group at our church which shares their favorite quiet times with God from the week; this lends great intimacy and accountability! Jessie and Adam refocused us even more to not only read scripture but be intimate with Christ! So, Isaiah and I are having much better prayer and bible reading times, and are journaling through the Spirit everyday, which is awesome! These, I believe, are the friends that our Boardwalk people prayed for, fellow coals who we could find at home, who would encourage us in our faith. They are busy coals, but they exist! And God drew us together! Praise the Lord! Thank you, BWC friends, for praying for us! Your prayers were heard and answered!

As God has stripped us of independence and self-reliance, He is calling us to things greater still. We had pitched "To Every Tribe" missions school to the Rich Fork missions board, and we still believe that may very well be in our future. But God has shown us more immediate things, things that He has in mind sooner. The more we rely on Him, the more we are letting go of everything: stability, family, comfort, money, plans that make sense, etc. It's not that we hadn't let go of these things before. It's that we are offering them up on a whole new level, and are now ONLY focused on the Kingdom! If God and his people are our aim, who cares what else is lost! We will count it all loss for the sake of Jesus and his gospel! None of it matters, Who cares!, except that which is eternal: God and intimacy with Him and Souls for the Kingdom.

So,  despite having just gotten an apartment for ourselves, fixing it up, and settling in, we are about to leave it all behind. That's right. Isaiah is at a job right now which is okay, but that he has no problem leaving behind. I am doing ministry with Crossmovement and Rich Fork, but those will end come early August, and though I love working with Colton (my brother), there are souls beyond my family, and I won't sacrifice God's call to selfishly focus on only the people closer to me. God has grown my heart to be much, much larger than that. I weep for far more than just my family. We also, though it is a recent blessing to find the Norths and this Sunday school, know that there is more fire up north among the folks we did the Boardwalk with, and likely more opportunities for evangelism and for Isaiah to minister among churches he already has relationships with. Honestly, I am surprised we didn't do this sooner.

In case, you're wondering dear reader, what in the world I'm blabbing on about: ...

We believe that God is calling us up North at the end of the summer/beginning of the school year! Perhaps to work at the BWC at the end of summer season, and probably to be around the likes of Chris Byrd, Ginni Corsello, the Dieckmann clan, and maybe even Seth and Eva Dorman (they literally just moved! lol) on a more regular basis. Perhaps we shall be led to PA! We would also be a bit closer to Jocelin and Tim Yagel and Britney and Patrick Wood, two of my favorite in love with Christ couples. We just want to be on fire more, to catch fire more with fellow coals for Jesus who pray together on the regular. If we are going to be missionaries, we need to maintain the Holy Spirit fire that is going to push us through the hard times. The best place to find that is where we already know we have it! We don't have many nailed down plans. We just know it's happening.

To answer a few questions folks might have...No, I am not using my teaching license at present, and this move means I won't be using it this coming school year in Lexington (that doesn't rule out God using it elsewhere). No, we don't have much of a plan. Yes, we are more broke than we ever have been, and it's not going to get easier right away. It's going to get harder first. Yes, we are going to be breaking a lease on a place we just got. Yes, I know there won't be blood relatives up there to help, but our family in the Lord is there. We have our orders from the commander in chief, where He leads us we must follow, which means none of the difficulties matter. They might in the world's eyes, but to God, to us, they mean NOTHING! God will provide. God will put the right people and jobs into our path. God will make a way when there seems to be no way, and we do not fear the unknown or the dark. We are stepping out on faith in a way we haven't before, and we're so pumped and so ready. The right man is on our side, and we will have brothers and sisters who will support us too (both in NC and Northward).

So, first, we're moving up north #Bombshell. (That's a piece of the puzzle we had no idea of until our Boardwalk trip!) Around next May, we're probably going with Dr. Krabbendam (Isaiah's mentor and the speaker for the week at the Boardwalk) to Uganda for up a year! We are hoping that some of our Boardwalk friends from up north come with us! Perhaps praying with these same people for a while before we go, will make us more unstoppable as a Soul Force. Dr. K wants to take us to Uganda, so we can get even more fire from the Spirit to head to Japan with. Honestly, I think this will be some great training. We will see God's abundance first hand in a culture that's easier to break into than Japan, which means we will gain confidence, something we will need in abundance in order to survive the hard times and spiritual depravity of Japan. Dr. K will also train us in missions, prayer, coupledom in missions, evangelism, teaching, preaching, and deaconship. He'll be helping us discover and cultivate our gifts! We are really, really excited about this, and the more we pray about it, the more we feel it's meant to happen! God's hand seems to be all over our lives. It's just crazy the way He's getting us to Japan. It's not as immediate as we thought by any means, but God's way is always best, I believe He is preparing us for bringing fire down on a nation that doesn't know the name of Christ; He wants to make sure we have the confidence and boldness to continue to preach that fire when times get hard, which means more preparation. So, the missions school, if it's going to happen, isn't in our first two steps....Northward & Uganda are going to happen first. Praise be to our crazy God who changes and refocuses our minds and plans so easily when our hearts are tender.

After and during our Uganda trip, we'll be praying to see if God still wants us to go to missions school, or if we are ready to head to Japan after Uganda! We can't wait to see what God does next. And are so excited about these next phases of our lives. We love all of our Lexington friends, and are excited to spend some last, great moments with them. It's just time to move, to go! I hope we have been a encouragement to those who want to know Christ well here, and we are grateful for God's provisions in giving us some faithful, fiery friends in our transition time (Meredith Worley and Amrita included!). It's just time to let the dead bury the dead, and GO!

Fire Under Fire: The Intolerable Burden.

Wow! What a week. We went to the Boardwalk Chapel, and big things happened. Being around fellow coals (those on fire for the Lord!), hearing about devoted and desperate prayer and evangelism, and having an intense conversation with our friend Akira about Japan has driven us to somewhere awesome. Isaiah has quickly reverted back to that extreme, zealous man I fell in love with, and I have regained a vision and bravery that I haven't had since high school and college. I am starting to listen more to those things, those dreams, that the grown-ups of this world call "too big" or "too intense," and I am elated. I've always been a visionary. I'm only now starting to listen to the fully-orbed concepts placed on my heart and spirit, and allow them to drive me to my knees. Who knows if God will use us to accomplish such things? But who says that He won't or can't? ...Only the world or those who put their eggs in the basket of it.

So, I will stop limiting God and limiting myself. I will stop trying to listen to culture and sometimes the church in it and slow down, chill out, or settle. I will ache and dream and feel big things too large for my soul to hold because I serve a great God. If I go straight to my face in prayer when I feel or envision these things, there is no negative side. God will show me his will. I don't need to be afraid of changing a God who doesn't change like shifting shadows, and I don't have to be afraid of not living up to what I fear I won't be...Since I am God's child, I've already accomplished the only thing that matters anyway (submitting to Christ!), so why should I be discouraged if I don't end fulfilling the big things that drive me to prayer. I only need to pray, seek holiness, and share the gospel with others. The rest is up to God, so there is no pressure. I just pursue Christ and his heart. He does the rest. He answers the prayers, he gives the holiness, and he sends the spirit. Why have I been taking God's job? No wonder I've felt like my dreams are too big. They're not up to me. What is up to me is taking them before the Father and pleading with Him to help them come to fruition for the sake of His Glory and the Nations.

Isaiah and I are having prayer for our next steps in the Spirit this Saturday. We don't know exactly what God is doing. We entered the week of the Boardwalk feeling excited but fairly settled in our lives and plans. We exited the week of the Boardwalk feeling elated and on fire and with inklings and hints of what God has in mind....inklings that are a lot different than what we thought. We are no longer settled at all, and we're actually happy about it! We are planning to bring these inklings before the Lord and see what he says. If you'd like to join us in fasting and prayer this Saturday, please do!

I know that God is doing some awesome things because satan tried to attack me so hard core yesterday. Members of my family, unintentionally but aggressively, kept trying to force me to re-drop my eggs back into the basket of the world. I was berated by more than one person in very tender areas, like me not working at the moment and not being successful. (The irony is, I am the most successful I've ever been right now spiritually, which is all that actually matters in this world! Wow, the world's barometer sucks. haha!) I exited the day feeling stabbed in multiple spots.

In addition, the shooting at Pulse really affected me, as it did most I'm sure. It's hard to even explain all of the emotions involved. At first, my heart just broke in general. Then, I thought an old and very close student of mine may have been there because he had a picture of himself in what I thought was DisneyWorld, hadn't posted in two days, and was the same age of the youngest killed. He also would have gone to a club like Pulse. When I checked Facebook, I realized that he was in Disneyland in California, but alas, my heart had already tumbled over twice. I thought about how I would have felt if he had died, and I hadn't talked to him more about God and life and eternity. I hadn't been brave with him, and I knew it (sure I have excuses like he said he went to church, but I know these were simply reasons for me to not share more). Already in a tumultuous state (as I should have been!), I scrolled through Facebook, and to my horror, the church and the world were responding so badly. Blaming it on lack of gun control, blaming it on general hatred attached to religion (Christianity included), blaming it on non-tolerance of the gay lifestyle, and trying to make sure that we understood not to condemn Islam because of one shooting. I understand the need to explain and put the blame somewhere, but this was just too much.

To be honest, and forewarning, I realize that if I put this on social media, I'd likely be called a bigot who judges, but the thing that broke my heart the most about all of this is the fact that most of those 50 people probably went to hell. They most likely weren't making Christ number 1. I wanted to help, I ached to pray something, but felt so helpless because those killed were already dead, God had already determined where they went. I couldn't resurrect them. I couldn't go to Florida and tell the gospel. Why hadn't I evangelized in Florida!? It was over. What could I pray? Because I didn't know what to pray all day, because I was aching that 50 people had died and probably were condemned eternally, and because the church and the world were saying "this is why we just need to accept LGBT lifestyle and not judge." Because of all these things, I didn't pray.

I felt like I was on sensory overload and couldn't take it. These deaths shouldn't drive us to condone sin. They are what should motivate us to share the gospel of Jesus Christ! These deaths are what should get the church moving to love more, serve more, do more, and also tell people the truth; the truth that we're all screwed up, that living out a gay lifestyle is sinful, but that it's only the symptom of a bigger problem, we have bad hearts which deny our creator and affirm our own desires. We want to be number 1, but we will always be number 2 because we did not create ourselves. These deaths should make us hit our knees and grieve and cry and wail because these were people made in the image of God who were killed; these deaths should drive us to pray for revival, so that more people come to know Christ before they die.

So, all day I had an intolerable burden for the 50 in Florida and the LGBT across the nation and for the church to be in the Word. And all day long, because I was confused and didn't know how or what to pray, I didn't. All day long, people kept trying to have me care about such small things like one family member's drama with another, or the fact that I don't do furniture arranging properly, and all day long I just wanted to weep. Weep for the lives lost. Weep for the lack of the gospel in their lives and in this nation. Weep for the church. Weep and cry out for revival.

And then...finally...an amazing thing happened. Isaiah came home, and we watched a David Platt sermon on Desperate Prayer, and I lost it. My intolerable burden was given words! I prayed! I cried. I told God I didn't know what to ask or say or to feel, but that I cared. And I realized in that moment that all the fire that I had gotten from the Boardwalk this past week, all the dreams and visions I was starting to allow and affirm, all of those things felt like poison all day because I had an intolerable burden that I wasn't releasing. satan was trying to burn out my fire with both the vapidness of the world and with the pain of the world too, to make me feel like I could do nothing, and that those ideas and plans were nothing as well because they would never happen. he wanted me to feel and know that I could do nothing, and then to quit.

But satan forgot one thing. When we, as Christians, feel we can't do something or say something or can't bring something to fruition, that is the time when we are most powerful because that is when we stop trusting in ourselves, hit our faces, and cry out to the God who is waiting for us to ask of Him. I am so grateful for desperate prayers for holiness and for souls. I am so grateful for our time at the Boardwalk. I'm ready to MOVE. I'm ready to GO. I'm ready to HIT MY FACE on the daily. Let's do it, church. Let's do it. Let's cry out to the God we have forgotten. He is the only hope of the world.

We're Still Kickin': Update Time!

You may be saying to yourself, "Well it's about time the Englishes gave us an update on missions and life and plans!" And you'd be right. But to tell you the truth, it's taken time to pray and listen to the Spirit, and it's taken even longer for us to get into our new apartment with internet, and for me to be motivated enough to sit down and type this.

That's right, one thing that's happened is that we got our own place to rent! After living with mom for 7 months and paying off loans, we have moved into a fairly cheap apartment which we can afford on Isaiah's landscaping salary. Not everything's functional yet. There are still significant pieces of furniture that we need (like a stove!), but the place is starting to look good, and we're excited to host people and prayer meetings, etc.

After TEAM told us that they love us, but that they want us to be married longer and to get more training before trucking it to Japan, Isaiah and I prayed and thought about future plans. We decided that we'd get our own apartment since we're no longer in the transitional period of Japan or Not Japan. For now, it's Not Japan.

We are planning on settling into life in our new place for a year. Next August (not this one!), we will try to head to "To Every Tribe," a missions school in Texas that Isaiah has always liked. We can stay married and get some years under our belt, and receive 2 years of awesome, intensive training (on the field and off). After all, Isaiah and I want to be like Paul, which means Pioneer Church Planning, tons of transitions, and very little "settledness" in life and friendships. So, having a year of calm and 2 years of training to prepare us is a VERY good thing. We thought about GFM as well, but really would love more training for a longer period of time.

We have a meeting with our church, Rich Fork Baptist, on the 22nd of this month to pitch them the new plan to head to "To Every Tribe" in order to see how much they'd be able to support us. After we know that information, we'll start talking to you guys more about the missions school and seeing if you'd be willing to invest in prayer and finances.

For now, we are trusting in our Father and living life for Jesus in the now. This means getting to host people in our home soon, planning some prayer meetings at our apartment complex (there's already an awesome lady pumped to come who I met by the garbage dump the other day haha!), Isaiah working hard at Laramore Landscaping and ministering to co-workers (we're planning a cookout with them soon), and me doing Spoken Word and dance with CrossMovement this summer, and starting to be the Storyteller on Wednesday Nights at Rich Fork for the kiddos. I may also start working with Colton again on goals this summer through Easter Seals (I would get paid to work with my brother!), and perhaps tutoring online, depending on my level of comfortability with Bible reading and theology classes at that point.

We aren't completely sure of God's plans for us. But we have a Plan A, and we know we serve a great God. So, the Englishes are here and kicking. We love you all! Continue to pray.

-Us.

P.S. We are visiting the Boardwalk Chapel again this summer when Dr. K is in, which we are excited about! Yay. Friends and Jesus Time and lots of Holy Spirit.

We Didn't Get Appointed for Japan.

I was wanting to post the the day after TEAM decided on us as a couple, but neither knew what to say, nor was I feeling well enough to type (my back and neck have been giving me problems the past few days). So here I am, telling you (the public) now. Wow, that sounded much more epic than intended.

So, here's the rub. TEAM decided on our appointment on Monday (May 4th), and our representative spoke with us about the decision that night. TEAM didn't deny us, but they didn't appoint us either, which means no training in May. We had, up to the appointment day, received nothing but encouragement and acceptance from TEAM. Both of our representatives and their boss told us that we were no doubt called to Japan, that our doctrines and theology were some of the strongest they'd ever seen via the Bible Questionnaire, that they believed the Boardwalk Chapel had strengthened us a lot and helped us grow into these budding theologians, and that they really loved us as a couple.

We were also told stories of other less-likely couples that had been appointed. From all reports, it seemed we were the ideal candidates. Our representatives, having no reason to doubt our appointment, spoke of training like it was a definite. Our main guy even told us not to do the Boardwalk because it would be impossible to dedicate time to TEAM fund-raising and training and another ministry. So, we turned the Boardwalk down, and were ready for training in May. I wrote a First Missionary Letter, and though I didn't mention specifics on fund-raising yet (that was for post training), I did speak of everything as if it was definite. That is because, as far as we, and all of our leaders whom we spoke to, were concerned, we were definite. I honestly didn't even realize we got appointed before training until last week. I though we were appointed at training to be honest. All of this being said, we were a bit surprised at the news. Isaiah was less shocked than me. I suppose this is because he has been told "no" more than I have (This may sound spoiled, but it's not. I'm just being honest).

Tyson (our main representative and supporter) told us that this didn't mean "no" or that we aren't called or that TEAM doesn't like us. In fact, they love us very much. He said that the main reasons for the not-appointing at this time had to do with the fact that we are only recently married and we need more training. They don't want to ship us out to Japan to be long-term missionaries, and us not be ready. That's pretty legit. And it makes me feel protected and backed up rather than just thrown to the wolves of ministry. But, we were still surprised.

Isaiah and I were honestly not very surprised at the marriage issue. We know we've only been married for a little over a year, and we know we have more growing to do. However, this first year of marriage has been like 5 honestly. I feel like God has put us on the fast-track of growth both as individuals and as a couple. Has that been difficult at times? Yeah. But I've always felt it's for a reason. So, this part wasn't super shocking, but I still feel that we're more ready as a couple than people give us credit for (Although to be fair, it'd be hard to know this unless you were us or were around us a lot, and TEAM can't exactly live in our house for a month...unfortunately).

The training issue, I believe, shocked us more, but was also more easily received. We know full well that we need solid training for the mission field. It was our understanding, however, that with TEAM, we would get the week of training in Canada, would then receive mentors who would continue to help and train us, and then would have 2 years of language school before going to a specific area of Japan. All of this, to us, sounded like training.

This being said, we honestly have no problem getting more training. We're praying about GFM, To Every Tribe, and even a trip to Uganda with Dr. K. All of these things, would of course, cost money. It's harder, at least I think it is, to get supporters for training than it is for going straight to Japan. It's not what our people necessarily thought they'd be helping with. But, God is good. He can open people's hearts up to whatever God leads us to do next.

We'd also love to go to the Boardwalk still, but I'm not sure that can still happen. Isaiah has already been at the Boardwalk for 3 summers, but last summer was my first. It was a tad easier for him to give up the idea. But for me, I felt like I had only just understood the Boardwalk, and was ready to dive in more accurately and was pumped about it too! To be honest, giving up the Boardwalk for TEAM felt like sacrificing for missions, laying my wants on the altar to Christ and to his calling, which I was more than willing to do, but it hurt. I listened to Michael Card's "Death of a Dream" for two days after TEAM told us we couldn't do the Boardwalk and TEAM. It was serious.

I honestly am super glad Ben is the drama director this summer though (He is flipping' awesome!). If we were to go back, I would want Isaiah to do evangelism with Chris, and I would want to just be a wife, counselor, friend, and part-time worker in Wildwood at some shop where I could talk about Jesus to customers. Last summer was hard. Worth it. But hard. Bad back and neck with no chiropractor. Mold. New marriage. Both of us leaders. Hardly any sleep. An entirely new experience for me (culture wise). Counseling a lot of people when my marriage was at it's hardest point. I loved it, but it was a battle. I grieve the fact that this summer was going to be redemption...a chance for it to be even more enjoyable than it already was, but we gave it up for something that isn't going to happen....That's hard. For me at least. But God brings beauty out of everything, and I know he has a plan. We just don't know about it yet.

I emailed the other opportunity that had been a possibility as well. Teaching in Japan. But alas, the school has downsized, so they're not even hiring anyone else anyway. So there's another closed door, at least for now.

So, we're back to square one. And that's okay. It's more than okay really. The spirit has more room to work and speak when our mortal human thoughts get out of the way. And since we honestly have no idea what's going on, the Spirit has a lot of room to talk to us.

In a way, this decision does make a lot of sense. Isaiah used to really talk about GFM and To Every Tribe a lot at the beginning of our marriage. We had contemplated them a lot before TEAM came up. So, perhaps one of them was meant to be all along. And maybe we can be at the Boardwalk a little, which I would love. And while we're training at the Boardwalk, GFM, To Every Tribe, or with Dr. K, God will grow our marriage even more, so that we are fierce warriors for Japan. He can make us unstoppable in the wait time. That is my prayer.

Isaiah and I both honestly aren't mad, upset, or even disappointed at TEAM's decision. I think we're just in a bit of shock. We both are okay though, and know that whatever comes next, our God is with us and so is our partner (we know we have each other!). We know that no matter where God leads us on our road to missions, we'll be together. Through whatever move God has planned.

I think the hardest things for me personally are the giving up the Boardwalk and the embarrassment I feel at having spoken about Japan and training so much. I was told to talk about our passion for the country of Japan, and to inform people of where we were in the process, to simply garner support even before fund-raising. But now, though I'm not sure it could be helped, I feel a bit embarrassed for talking about these things when we're not going to training in May, and not going to Japan so soon.

But all we can do, as kingdom workers, is speak about what the Spirit shows us in the moment and what know in the now. We are sheep who are led, not constantly informed foremen. So, I've been a sheep, speaking what is revealed to me and telling people about Japan and sharing my excitement. I suppose that's okay. I didn't directly tell people things were happening for sure, because I didn't know that. But I did speak with definance. However, in the moment, that's what I knew, from leaders, from the Spirit, from my spouse. I spoke what I knew. Now, I'll speak what I know again.

We aren't appointed right now. God is good. God has a plan. I hope you're all still on our team.

English Update: Quick Info for Curious Readers...

1. Isaiah & I are still on board with TEAM: International Christian Missions. I mentioned a decision of sorts in a previous post (quite a while back) involving whether we would be going with TEAM or with a different organization. I was trying to keep things under wraps. A school in Japan had interviewed me for a potential position, and it seemed God could be leading us toward that (It certainly would make getting to Japan faster and would give us pretty immediate support), but the school hasn't contacted me since, and TEAM has only gotten more wonderful, so we are going with them unless God throws us a major curve ball.

TEAM is such a great organization that really prizes the gospel and the uniqueness of the people who work for them. The more we talk to them, the more we love them. If you don't know much about the organization we're partnering with, I encourage you to visit their website: https://team.org. We are happy to be going overseas with a group of people who have been invested in Japanese soil for so long (Japan is one of TEAM's oldest fields).

2. If you hadn't heard, Isaiah is NOT going on the OPC short-term trip to Sendai, Japan. Honestly, it would have been a great opportunity (He would have been gone April 1st-15th). But, the team was already full of even more qualified workers than Isaiah, so God showed us he meant Isaiah to stay home and allow other craftsmen to work on the center. It would have been hard to be away from each other for 2 weeks anyway! ;) Pray that God would graciously equip those working on the Nozomi Center in Sendai.

3. I am still going to a Discern Conference for Women at the Creation Museum April 14th-16th, and Isaiah and my dad are planning on coming along...haha! (They may be the only men around.) The boys will be visiting the museum with me (sort of as my "children"), and Isaiah might sit in lectures with me (dad says he may pass on that part but is very excited to see the museum). I am super happy to get to engage in creation science on a deeper level and just to see the place that I've wanted to for over a year now. And I'm really happy my dad's coming along. I know that it will strengthen his faith and warm his forestry-driven heart (he wanted to be a forest ranger in college and loves nature).

4. Isaiah and I are getting TEAM training in Quebec, Canada May 8th-13th if all goes to plan (our approval conference is on Monday, so pray that everyone on the team continues to love us and support our journey to Japan). I just sent in for an expedited passport that reads Calli Jade English rather than Calli Cleary. We do not yet know exactly what training entails, but I know it will be great. After training, we can start getting the word out about fund raising. We'll also just know more about everything in general, which will make my planner's/networker's heart feel very happy.

5. Isaiah is currently working at a landscape company called Larmore. He was working for a different company, but it refused to pay him for overtime, so he switched and is enjoying his new job very much! Calli is staying at home, and though it is hard sometimes, on the best days she accomplishes much. I (Calli!) am reading the Word (almost finished with 2 Chronicles!), trying to complete Bible classes (finally finished my textbook on John....now for all of the papers), and am striving to balance reading, writing, chiropractic care, and praying with actually being active....it's pretty hard actually.

6. Pray Requests: (a) Pray that TEAM will officially-officially approve us tomorrow and that we can go to training for Japan and learn much from other missionaries and teachers. (b) Pray that Calli will focus on her schoolwork (it's gotten harder because the Bible itself is much more interesting than textbooks), so she can have things finished in time. (c) Pray that the Discern Conference will help Calli's faith. (d) Pray that Calli's reverse-curved neck would continue to heal as she goes to the chiropractor and does her neck homework. It would be ideal for God to heal this before we head overseas. It causes much pain. (e) Pray that Isaiah can be an evangelical influence on his co-workers, many of whom are not Christians (f) Pray for Calli and Isaiah's marriage. It is awesome! But prayer is always important, especially when two people are planning on heading overseas together.

Love you all!

~The Englishes

In a Better Position: Follow-Up to "Brothers & Doubts"

So, you may have seen me posting some more hope-filled things, like Lecrae lyrics, a blog about young women following Christ, and a reminder of the up-and-coming event I'm going to called "Discern" at the Creation Museum. All of this, I am sorry to report, doesn't mean everything is all better. I am still in the midst of some doubts, but I am approaching the issue a lot differently due to: you guessed it, my marriage. I'm always crediting my marriage these days. But hey, when you get married  to a Godly dude or lady, you'll understand that it's the best analogy we have to our relationship with Christ.

What I've realized is that this secular so-called "logic" had gotten me all turned around in the midst of my doubts. I'll start from the beginning.

There I am. It's the day before Easter (Saturday), and all I wanted was to feel close to God again. I kept struggling because I had this desire to be one with God, to be close to him, to feel the fulfillment I usually feel when I'm with him. I especially wanted this because the next day was supposed to be a day of celebration (Easter!), and I couldn't celebrate. I wanted to be with my God, and yet, I was resisting. Why? Well, because I thought that I needed to not cave to my feelings toward God. I thought, that instead, I needed to let objective logic guide me instead of mere emotionalism and religious fervor. I was resisting feeling close to him, approaching him, because I was trying to, for once, objectively observe the facts of Christianity and Atheism, and then let the facts guide me home (Home: which I very much believed would be to believing in God's existence, but again I was trying NOT to be sure).

I was resisting the urge to run into God's arms and just melt there because I was trying to deal with the problem. After all, I thought, How on earth can you really be a serious researcher looking for truth when love is marring your objectivity? I knew I was too in love with God to really look at the facts as what they are, so I was trying to remove myself from the love (as painful as that was). I was feeling a certain feeling that I've only felt during one other instance: When my husband and I are arguing, and he tries to take me in his arms, and I resist his love...

There are many times when Isaiah and I argue. And there he is trying to hug me or hold me, and I stubbornly resist his advances, not because I am still angry, but because I am trying to communicate my perspective and the facts of our problem well, and I know that as soon as he holds me, I'm screwed. I know that no matter what the facts are or what problems we really do need to discuss, once he holds me, my perspective will be all scrambled, and I'll give grace and understanding before it's time. I will simply feel his love when what we need is to work through the problem.

I fear, in these moments, that if I let Isaiah close like I want to, I will forget my objective logic and just melt there; I fear, in these moments, that rather than reaching a solution, we'll just snuggle and forget the issue, an issue that will then only rear its ugly head later.

This is how I was feeling about God and my doubts. I was resisting being in love with him, resisting his embrace, because I was trying to deal with the doubt issue, so that it wouldn't keep popping up. I thought, "God, we really need to tackle this doubt thing, and if I let you love me/if I let love take over, we'll never get over it. I'll just keep not knowing and blindly following someone I think is true but am unsure of."

I was trying to nip the problem in the bud, and I just knew that stupid, blind affection would get in the freakin' way!

As I talked with Isaiah about this issue on Saturday at a little place called Cafe 35, he gently reminded me that I was thinking illogically. I remember thinking, "You butt of a husband, for once I am trying to think logically. What in the world!" But I let him continue, because I am a good wife and shut my mouth a lot when I don't want to.

He calmly asked me how I would observe if something is true or not. For example, how would I examine a dead body in a show like "Bones" or "Castle?" I would, of course, look at the skin of the body, feel for body temp, open up any needed areas of the body to find cause of death (bullet holes for instance), etc. I would, in essence, get close to the body. I would feel it. I would touch it. I would get personal with it, etc. I would do all of these things in order to examine it well. If all I did was stay distant from the dead body in order to remain "objective," I would be pretty stupid. Anyone with a brain knows that in order to examine something, you have to understand it, get close to it, see what it looks like up close and personal. So why is it so wrong to examine God closely, to explore him and his existence or non-existence whilst you are in relationship with him?

If I only remain distant from Isaiah in the moments when I'm trying to maintain my supposed "objectivity," I end up simply being subjective or swayed by feeling in a different way. Sure, if I let him hold me, I feel great love for him and that changes how important the argument seems to me. But likewise, if I remain distant from him, I mar by perspective by only remembering the problem and not the truth of Isaiah's affection for me. I also mess up my perspective on truth in these moments by not allowing Isaiah to respond to me. He can't respond to my questions if I remain distant and cold. God, likewise, cannot respond to my objections, or show me his truth in the midst of my doubt if I only remain distant from him.

There are those in the Bible who remained distant and cold in order to maintain a hold on the "objective" truth of Jesus. They are often called Pharisees or Sadducees. A lot of them were there, staying distant and remaining "objective," watching Jesus' miracles before their very eyes, denying what their eyes saw! Their "objective" truth was actually not objective at all. They had the idea in their heads that he was a blasphemer, and no miracle they saw him perform ever changed this for most of them. Likewise, Jesus himself stood before Pilate and proclaimed the truth of himself. And Pilate, blinded by the subjectivity of politics and expectations, asked Jesus, the actual son of God who stood before him, "What is Truth!?"

Both during the conversation with Isaiah and afterwards, late into the night, I thought about the implications of all that he said, and all that I thought about after he was silent.

You see, first off, no one who is human is truly objective. We all have presuppositions. Some of them have to do with believing Jesus. Some of them have to do with not believing him. The secularist is no more subjective than I am. I have the idea in my head that Jesus is Lord and that the Bible is true. The secularist has the idea that Jesus is not Lord and that no amount of Bible can prove anything because it's a book, with flaws written by only men. We both approach the search for truth in subjectivity. Those who claim that their not subjective are simply more deluded than me. And those (like Mitch) who claim they're not subjective and then condemn me for my subjectivity (my love for God marring my perspective) are double deluded: they neither realize their own subjectivity, nor do they acknowledge their hypocrisy in condemning my so called "blind faith."

They are blind too.

We all are. It's the human condition. After all, according to the Bible, we were not created to be independent. We were created to be dependent, to be worshipers. And we all are. I worship Jesus. Mitch and secularists like the ones who post on patheos.com, worship something else (usually themselves and a form of "objective logic" that doesn't actually exist).

Second of all, my actually non-existent objectivity is not in any way marred by being close to Christ. I am able to examine his existence, character, etc. closer when I am up close and personal with him.

So, how does all of this help me? It, number one, got me out of the complex web of lies being spun around me by people like my brother, other relatives, and atheistic blogs: I do not have to divorce myself from my faith in order to observe correctly just like I don't have to divorce myself from my husband in order to understand him better.

I can explore proofs and facts while in a relationship with Christ. I don't have to hold myself at an arm's distance in order to see clearly. I can see just fine right next to God.

All of this, most importantly, however, has given me the freedom to stay with God, to be in love with him, to be held by him in the midst of my exploring. I do not have to try to abandon him in some misguided attempt to remain objective. None of us are utterly objective anyway, and I can remain just as sane searching for God while near him than while far away. In fact, I believe it makes my search deeper, more meaningful, and probably a lot more fair.

To Exploring while in His arms,

The best place to be for seeing up close.

An Open Letter to the Girls I Taught & Babysat...

Dear soon to be lady, 

As you approach adulthood, you're going to get a lot thrown at you from the world. Some things will be out-and-out lies, some will be half-truths, and some things will be true. It's super hard to figure out what's what when you constantly feel like you're being lied to. Know, first off, that I've been there and that, in some ways, I still am. Remember that living as a Godly woman is harder the older you get. No, it doesn't get easier when you leave the teen years. I don't want you to become discouraged, but I also don't want you to be caught off guard.  Saying no to the world really does get harder even after high school. The voices that lie to you become more educated and more seemingly rational. 23 year old friends use better lies than 16 year old friends, and the kicker is, most of them don't realize they're misleading you because they are being mislead themselves. (This is why it's important to know what God's unchanging standards are, so you know when something's not right.) 

I have listed some things I want you to try to remember as you get older and are tempted to make decisions that involve little changes in your lifestyle.

1. Stay in the Word of God

When you're younger, you learn a lot about God and the Bible from your parents, your church, and your friends, and I'm not knocking that. But, the older you get, the more you tend to lose certain aspects of this kind of life.

You eventually move away from your parents. You have to start taking yourself to church--its's hard to keep going to church when you're single, feel alone, and also when you're tired and there's no one around to push you/wake you up anymore.

And your friends...they are going to start to change. Some of them, you may have already seen change in high school. Get ready. The changes aren't finished. Expect many of your childhood friends to abandon the faith. Expect them to not follow the rules that their parents taught them. Expect them to water down standards that they now feel are too rigid or that they don't think really square with reality. Expect them to point out the church's double standards, hypocrisies, and faults, and use these as reasons to sin. Expect them to question how science and God work together. If you're feeling hopeless, it's okay. It gets better.

Despite all of these changes, there are a few things that don't change. One of these is the Word of God. The Bible is a book that tells you about God's rules, standards, and reasons for having these, and if you read closely, you'll start to pick up something called Biblical Wisdom which will come in handy when things start to get complicated: when your friends think it's alright to have sex if they're in love/have been in a relationship for 4 years/are going to get married, when they start to support gay marriage, or when they don't think going to church or tithing is that important. (I know some of you may already feel offended, but especially if this is the case, keep reading. And also, read the Bible and talk to God about the offenses. He's ready to listen and comment. He's awesome like that.)

If you stay in the Word, you won't be so quick to forget what it says. Moses and Joshua remind the Israelites to read and think about God's Words and Law all the time. They tell them that if they don't, they'll end up turning to idols and bad practices like the other people in the land. Moses and Joshua turn out to be right, and Israel....yeah bad stuff happens. Babylon is no joke.

It's not that God doesn't want you to have a good life. It's not that He's this guy in the sky who hates sex, dancing, and fun. It's that He wants you to have the best life, one focused on Him because He is the best thing ever. He is the essence of ultimate joy. And He made things like sex, dancing, and wine. Don't you think He knows the best and most awesome ways to do/use this stuff since He's the one that made them? The answer is yes.

Keep reading the Bible, and not just the parts you already know well. Read through the whole thing. 

Get to know the God you claim to serve and the Laws He sets down. After all, if you don't know the guy you're trying to base your life on, you're not going to keep loving Him, and you won't know how to explain Him to others. If you don't know the guy you're trying to base your life on, you'll start basing it on something else. It could be a guy, or your career/major. It could even be religion...going through churchy motions that you don't even understand since you're not reading.

Read the Bible. It's awesome. I promise it's not too old to have answers to everything. There really is nothing new under the sun.

2. Don't Buy Into the Hype

At some point, someone or a lot of someones are going to make fun of your childlike faith. They're going to mock you for believing in fairy tales. They're going to tell you that faith coming before seeing is obviously a trick. They're going to say that believing the earth is 6,000 years old and that Jonah was swallowed by a big fish is for kindergarteners, and it's time you graduated.

Don't for a second believe that faith makes you stupid. Faith is powerful. The Bible tells us it is. And becoming like a child who trusts is ultimately what we all do. It's just that we trust something different. You, for instance, may trust God with a childlike faith. Bruce may trust his high school science textbooks. Marie may trust her new boyfriend's perspective. Nancy might trust not knowing anything; she may simply KNOW that she doesn't know....Odd choice, I know.

The point is: don't for a second think that trust and faith are a weakness. Trust and faith are a part of the human condition. Whoever is making fun of you, just has faith and trust in something else...something that probably makes less sense. 

Also, don't make the mistake of thinking that you have faith and love while those who mock you have science, rationality, and logic. It is rational, logical, and scientific to believe in God and the Bible. If you don't believe me, start listening to this dude named Ken Hamm and go read Lee Strobel. They'll help you see things in a better light.

3. Keep Going to Church & Actually Be a Member Too!

Dear girl,

Don't you dare buy into the new lie that church isn't necessary; that church can just mean rest on Sunday, fishing on Sunday, or even just you and a few people saying prayer requests at your house. Yes, the church is made up of people, and where two or more are gathered, the Holy Spirit dwells. But that doesn't mean you can just get together with Christian friends at your house. God tells His people to go to church. And what's more: the church lends itself to fellowship, ministry, and, you got it, staying in the Word! Honestly, you need it.

Forsake not the fellowship of the Saints, and you'll be less likely to forsake God. 

Get involved in a church too. Tithe (it's a good trust exercise when you're a poor college student eating Ramen). Become an active participant--not just someone who goes on Sundays. Make a habit of talking with friends about the sermon afterwards. And most importantly, serve the church. Don't expect the church to serve you. Being that kind of millennial is stupid. Believe me. Just don't do it. Be more awesomer (And yes, that's totally a word).

[Also: sidenote...Don't you dare use the whole reasoning of "I want my heart to be in it when I worship and don't want to go to church if I really don't want to, feel sick, or don't mean it." A lot of times, the heart follows obedience. Get your butt up and go to church.]

4. Go to a Christian College (especially if you went to public high school)

Okay, I know I might get flack for this one (if it makes you feel better, people saying things like this, use to offend me too). But, at this point in my life, I really don't care. Public and Secular high schools, colleges, and universities teach things from a certain perspective--that of agnosticism, atheism, and secularism. If you go to one of these, and especially if you go to both a public high school and then public university, you're going to get confused about your faith fast. Why? Because your foundations are going to be off. You'll have built your house upon the sand, and the rains of secularism won't show mercy.

The entire way you think, process, and form logical arguments is going to be different if you seep yourself in a public university setting.

How can you think about anything well if everything around you is denying the most important truth: that Jesus came, died, rose again, that life is more than we see, and that there is hope. The Bible and Christ are what Christians are supposed to build their lives around. That gets hard to do when Christ and the Bible are either not talked about, mocked, or just thrown into the melting pot with all the other religions which are considered "an emotional crutch" by the general student population.

I have never regretted my education at Covenant College. I use the worldview and logical way of thinking that I learned everyday to remember and defend Christ, and to even simply think in a way that makes sense....Honestly, life with no God doesn't make for good rationality. I can honestly say that if I never teach another day in my life (I will by the way), I still use my degree each and every day.

It will always be worth the money to know that my life and intellect are Christ-centered, that my brain doesn't get in the way of my heart, that science and God support each other--that all of the things which secular universities claim conflict with one another, actually work together as I gaze at Christ.

5. Stay a Virgin (a Real One)...or Rather Stay Pure

Alright, it's time to get even more real. Deep breath. Okay. here we go!

WARNING: You have now entered the sex part of the letter. 

Dear girl,

People are going to tell you and show you that things like making out, touching someone in intimate places, masturbation, vibrators, oral sex, and even sex in general are perfectly normal and acceptable as an adult outside of marriage. Some of the same people who stuck to their guns in high school and didn't do things, are going to start questioning everything (after all, that's what people do in college...all the more reason to pick somewhere that emphasizes Christ).

Don't buy into any of the deceptions. Let me list some just to prepare you a little. I wish someone had done the same for me...

a. "The church has a double standard when it comes to men and women. Women have to remain perfect, pure, virgins, and modesty is way overemphasized, and guys barely get scolded. A guy can have sex and ask forgiveness, but if a girl's not a virgin when she's married, it's a problem. This is stupid. Women can do whatever men can do. The church overemphasized this, and it was unfair, so go try some things."

>Note: Just because the church (a flawed body of people) had double standards and overemphasized things, giving men more grace and women more scolding, doesn't mean God's standards are wrong. It means the church communicated badly and needs to change some things.

Just because church didn't do things properly, doesn't give you the right to drop your pants. 

God always does things properly. If you're questioning what your church did or said, read the Bible. It's always good. God wrote it. Depend on God and His Word rather than only the community you grow up in. And remember, just because one person (or a body of people) screws up, doesn't mean you have to too!

b. "The church is as obsessed with sex and the culture. It emphasizes remaining a virgin and sexual immorality and LGBT stuff way more than other sins. So, it's okay to try some things. They're not as big of a deal as I was taught."

>Note: Again, first off, even if your church said anything incorrectly, it doesn't give you leave to sin against God's Word. Also, the church emphasizes this stuff so much because God does too, in His Word! Wanna know why Sodom & Gomorrah were destroyed? Yeah. It had to do with sex stuff. So, read your Bible more, then you'll understand better.

Don't just buy your friend's words. Read THE WORD. 

c. "You've held out for so long. You've lasted longer than almost all your friends. You can still remain a virgin but do some other things. A lot of people say it's better to know at least some things when you get married any way. And don't you want to feel comfortable in your own body before you're married? Doing a few things is a way to do that."

>Note: You've lasted a while, praise God and pray for more strength. It's not better to know how to do things before. I know it's not.

The great thing about Biblical marriage is that you have a lifetime to practice sex. It is always getting better....and it starts out pretty good to begin with, no matter how awkward it is. 

You can pray to feel comfortable with your body and pray to know it too, rather than masturbating, experimenting, etc. God helps you and your hubby figure it out. You don't need to know everything. It's a leap of faith. A fun one.

d. "What about the things the Bible doesn't directly address....like masturbation, vibrators, oral sex, etc...."

>Note: The Bible does address them. Sometimes just indirectly. This is where the wisdom stuff formed by Biblical framework comes in handy. Go talk to your pastor and not your girlfriends....okay? ;)

Dear girl,

Don't buy into the lies, excuses, or reasonings of the world concerning sex. It's all poppycock.

People do not know better than God no matter how much they would like to. 

I was happy I married as a virgin, but I regret some of the other things I did before I got married...things I did because I thought it was okay to know my body a little more and feel more comfortable in my own skin with myself and with men.

I am very grateful that God kept my rebellions to a minimum. I wish I would have been even more pure on my wedding night. Girls, don't quit....even in the last quarter. Most of my screw ups were at the ages of 23 and 24....after high school and college. Again, it only gets more difficult the older you get.

[Oh and P.S. Do not buy the lie that masturbation can just be stress relief, or that it's okay as long as your not picturing anyone. And don't think it's more okay than having real sex....Just don't do it. Purity is mental and spiritual as much as physical. That also means no porn. #It's not just a boy problem.]

Dear girl,

Last note. It's important to include in this selfie-obsessed culture of ours.

Remember that what's important isn't who you are, no matter what any self-help magazine tells you. At the end of the day, who gives a flying flip about self-esteem, self-confidence, or self-anything--

Okay, the world does, but that doesn't mean you should.

What's important isn't you. What's important isn't the self or your perspective on yourself.

What's important is Whose you Are. If you are focused on Jesus, He'll show you what to think about life, men, the Bible, and yes, even the self. Hint: The self isn't really that important. ;) He talks about denying it a lot.

Dear girl, I love you so much, Don't forget God. Don't forget your first love.

And don't you dare take anyone's word over God's.

Be Strong & Courageous,

Your Old Babysitter OR Your Old Teach (Mama C/ Mrs. English)

Getting Real: Doubts and Brothers

There are so many things to talk about--sickness, "The Ten Commandments" Anniversary showing we watched with my dad the other night, my renewed desire to explore the science of God, etc. There are many things to talk about, but I'm going to talk about my brother, Mitch, who is an Atheist. Before he left to return to Chapel Hill, I took him out for one last Spring Break lunch. I tend to be honest with my brother about what I'm struggling with. I don't think it's necessarily more faithful to Christ to lie about where I am concerning God, esp. to my own brother who I've talked to about faith now for going on 26 years. So, I told him that I was struggling with staying sick and wondering if God was even there when I prayed. I told him that, at my core, I believe God is real, but that there are times of doubt, like right now, when I step outside a bit and sincerely think about how Mitch and I give different arguments from differing perspectives about the same things, and sometimes it all seems so pointless and petty, and I wonder sometimes if any of it even matters. I told him the truth about where I was. Right away, he pretty much strong-armed me into further doubts. I expected compassion and love and was served what he deemed as truth but what felt like poison. It was a bad decision to talk to Mitch whilst in the middle of doubt and sickness. But, again, I feel like we're so close, it's super hard to deceive him into thinking I'm doing better than I am. Likewise, I can't really hide the big things from him; that feels wrong somehow. He's the one family member that I've never hidden anything from; he's the only one I've never tried to protect from the hard stuff, including my own feelings. Every other person in my family has received the gift of grace and forgiveness in the form of me not sharing what I knew they couldn't handle. Mitch has never gotten that luxury. Mitch always knows my side, my hurts, and my exhortations, esp. when it has to do with God.

Mitch is what I consider my other-other-half. Isaiah, my husband, is my true other half. Both he and Mitch know that Isaiah stole this spot from Mitchell as my husband and I grew in love and got engaged. Mitch and I shared a very intense truck ride where he told me that he knew he was losing me to Isaiah, that he would never be my number one anymore, that, that would now be Isaiah, and that it hurt. Mitch and I have worked through a lot. And though I am very glad that my number one is indeed my husband, and that my number one is also a strong man of God, I still feel a bond with Mitch that I feel will never be severed. The greatest surgeons in the world couldn't untie what we have. There was a period of time when I dreamed about being disconnected from Mitch early on in Isaiah and I's marriage. It always felt like part of my own soul was dying. Though indeed, esp. since my marriage and the Boardwalk Chapel, Mitch and I have grown in separation as I have continued to grow in Christ, we still are, at our core, part of the same body. I don't think that will ever change. I've heard folks in Isaiah's family call this type of bond a soul tie. I think that's a good term for it.

No matter what, Mitch will be my first husband in a way. And no, not in a weird Freudian way. In a: we are each other's other side of the pillow, be with each other in the worst of times, never leave each other, kind of way. Mitch and I have been through so much damage together. It's like we're brothers in arms that chose different methods of healing. I chose God. He chose secularism. It hurts so bad to think about the fact that, in this way, we can't be bonded, that when it comes to the most important thing in life-Christ-we don't share the same skin. When I am at my strongest spiritually, my heart breaks that my own brother, my own flesh, could be in hell. I wonder how I won't feel it when he burns. I wonder how in the heck I will be so fully satisfied in the presence of God that I won't feel my own flesh melt as his does. It feels wrong that I could be so happy while he suffers forever. Pretty dark. I know. When I am weakest spiritually, I feel what he feels, I become even more empathetic and understanding and one with him, but I also feel wretched for I am then not with my First Love: Christ. When I feel closest to Mitch, I feel furthest from Christ. When I closest to Christ, I feel close to Mitch but also not one with him.

I've had so many conversations with Mitch about the gospel, about Christ, about faith, about truth. I know that, at this point, he would be more heavily condemned because he knows so much about God and is still turning away. The saddest thing is: Mitch remains the only person I've actually lead to Christ. Sure, I've talked to people about God. I've planted seeds. But I've never quite been bold enough. Mitch is the first and only one I've prayed the prayer with, you know the one that's supposed to beckon the Holy Spirit to abide in you FOREVER. And here Mitch is, years later, denying Christ with such boldness that it hurts my spirit. Let me tell you, knowing that you lead someone to Christ, knowing that, that person has read their Bible and gone to church, knowing that this same person, years later, claims to have seen the man behind the curtain: THAT will rattle your faith. It certainly puts a time-bomb on mine, which I then must pray about...yet again.

My other brother, Logan, also now claims to not believe, which gives me a new spiritual pain. I felt like he was still at least nominal and that God was going to draw him back. (Maybe He still will.) But no, he claims to be a full-blown Atheist too now.

How's a girl who feels parent to her siblings, esp. these two, not to feel responsibility or failure when they leave the person she bases her life on? These are my babies, and they are forsaking the one thing that I know gives life. Does God want to kill me? Did he give them to me so that I can scream and plead for them before the throne? Is He going to help them? At the core of my doubts is not truly questions about God making me well. I have discovered that at the core is the question: Can I truly trust God when he has abandoned my family? When he has torn away my flesh from the fold? When His Spirit left or perhaps didn't dwell in my people?

Mitch sent me some articles that he felt would explain how he left the faith and where he is now. They're pretty powerful. I only recently got into Creation Science and Ken Hamm. And now, as soon as I start to grasp the perspective I prefer, I get to see the whole other side of articles which focus on the opposite. I don't feel ready for this. I want to run back to my childhood faith and the joy of God that feels me when I turn to Him, but is that cheating on the exploration that could occur if I'd only trust the Spirit to keep me while I look? If God is truth, I am told that I will only find Him at the end of my searching. But how can I believe that, how can I not fear losing the Love of my Life--Jesus--when I see examples 1 and 2, Mitch and Logan, right in front of my eyes. (Also, some of my best childhood friends.)

People outside of the faith will probably see all of this as melodramatic about things that don't even exist or don't matter. And, in a sense, I understand this perspective. But then again, if any of you open up your minds when it's dark and you're alone about the deep stuff of life, you'll get why this is hard. God comes up in Philosophy so much because God is the marrow of the bone that we run from while we live our day to day. He's the thoughts late at night that we squash with pretend logic and rhetoric. So, go on, judge this post if you want, for being silly, but deep in your heart, you know it's not.

This pain is real. And spiritual. I don't know where to go from here. Both Christianity and Secularism scream their propaganda (that's what it seems like) at me, and I, like any good millennial, start to doubt everything. I want to be above it. But I can't be. For even if I claimed to know that neither is truth and that the arguments and articles are petty from both sides, I would still be claiming to "know." I would still be staking my claim in something...but only in a lesser something, a something which represents nothing, a knowledge of not-knowing. Seems pretty dumb to me.

So here I am, God. Feeling split in two. Having a much harder time than my husband in reading these articles Mitch sent. Wondering if I have discernment. Wondering if I can trust the Spirit to stay with me. I do so want to be His temple, to share this light of the world which resides in me with the people of Japan. Will exploring make the light brighter or dimmer? I used to believe searching would only strengthen my faith. Now, looking at all the case studies, I'm not so sure. I know that God IS....as I said in my last post...but is He trustworthy? Is He really the firm foundation that the hymns promise? ...Because He doesn't seem so firm to so many others.

I am always drawn to the Mitch's in the world. The intellectuals and philosophers who question everything, the dark ones who hide away from the world. I really thought I'd end up marrying one like this to be honest. I've always shined the light of God in my conversations with them. Maybe since this group is often who I minister to, I have seen less converts as a result. All you can often do with people like this, is empathize, listen, question gently, and open up their hearts and spiritual minds, getting them to trust even just a little less in their own seeming logic. But a light gets tired in such darkness. She gets weary, and starts to wonder: Is my light really working, or will it simply fade the more I look into the dark caverns of philosophy? Why on earth did God make me so sensitive if I am called to minister to the sufferers and to the dark philosophers?  Why on earth did He make me so empathetic? I am often so empathetic that I forget discernment....or vise versa. I can only, at the end of the day, depend on His Holy Spirit, and not on anything residing in me, but the problem is....I am afraid of losing the Holy Spirit. I am afraid, if I look more for the man behind the curtain, he will be there, and then my Spirit will die. Just like all the others.

Perspective.

I am on the mend. Isaiah is getting better too (he caught the cold from me; it was a pretty bad cold and not allergies!). My mom also has it currently, and she is taking longer to get better.

But just because I am getting better physically doesn't mean I am all better in the spiritual sense. I am still struggling. I do not wish to lie. It's true that God has been making me better, which I am grateful for, but I keep thinking "Who knows when He'll let me get sick again." However, I then tell myself in reply to this, "So what if He does?" Isn't He the one that gives me breath anyway? Who am I really to ask for anything from Him when He already gives me everything I have? I suppose you could say I'm in a Job 38 period. I am not healed or perfectly comfortable with not feeling in control of my health or anything else, but I am aware that I actually have no right to control something I haven't made. I didn't form myself. I didn't make myself be born into this world. I don't give me breath in my lungs every day, nor do I measure my own heartbeats. So what makes me think I should be the one to dictate my own health? I guess the simple answer is: I feel entitled to be in control of something that seems so simple, so like it should be controlled by me. But just because I "feel" that I should dictate my own health, doesn't make it so. God orders constellation systems and brings nations to war and peace, and He has likewise measured out my life and its daily occurrences for me. At the end of the day, if I have felt like it's been a wasted day due to sickness or other circumstances that I honestly have very little control over, I just have to say "Well, it's not the way I would have done today, but you know best, Father."

Even when I don't understand Him, it is He that has the Words of Life and has from the beginning. I ain't got nothin' to do with it. Of course I have been here before, in this humble place of semi-acceptance. But God has to drag me back to it time and time gain. We all have our treks through the desert, and accepting that God is in charge of everything is one of my treks. These journeys often take 40 years from what I've read (God, I hope it won't take me that long!), but Wilderness school is important and worth the travel, especially since it's with God as our guide. So, I will just keep watching my Pillar of Fire and will go where He leads, even if it's into sickness again. What else, after all, can I do? Pretend I'm in control when I know it's not so and then get frustrated!? ...That's not much of a life. I'd rather live in the truth that I do not control my health (Ultimately I mean; I can eat healthy and care for my temple) or anything else really. I am God's child. He, as Father, decides my fate and cares for me. And when I don't like His decisions, I can lean on the fact that the disciples did when they didn't get it: there is no other place to go.

I know that this sounds depressing, but it's actually rather comforting. It means I don't have the wrong answer. There is no other place to go; I have the right answer! (This is very important to a perfectionistic nerd who is too analytical of her own good.) Now, all that's needed is to pray for God to help me make peace with the answer, which I already know is correct. He's working on the peace part. Don't rush the process. ;)

What I keep coming back to is this thought: It's much wiser to stake my claim in the Kingdom of God where I might end up as the sickly begger at the gate than to pretend that I can build my own Kingdom, which only turns out to be a frustrating illusion.

I'd love to say more, and actually have a lot more to say, especially because Isaiah and I have had some really enlightening talks lately, especially about doubt, fear, personhood, and sickness. But, for now, I believe it is enough to say: God has helped me remember whose I am, and has caused me, at least for a little blessed while, to recall that He is the only place I can go. I want to believe He is a good Father (this is what everyone keeps urging me toward), and I am sure God will help me get there. For now, it is enough to know that He is the only true place to go anyway, so I am not stupid or wrong in following Him.

"Though He slay me, yet I will hope in Him." Right now, I can buy this because He is the only Hope anyway. Maybe later, it will be because He is the hope my heart delights in...Again, not there right now. But God will direct my steps to get me there. I know He will. He has done it before, and He is faithful. I will practice submission because of logic, and it can turn into submission because of love. God never dismissed the Israelites when they were obedient unto Him, when it was due to fear and awe: them knowing that He was the greater, and that they were the lesser. God can turn me into a David again, one who trusts and loves and believes the Father is good, one who obeys with the heart. But, for now, it is enough to obey because God is God, I am not, and there is no other option. Perhaps God can re-teach me to love my Creator and Captor, to love the ways of the only one who I can go to.  For now, I will simply submit, obey, and wait for the feelings to return.

The Struggle is Real.

Lately, things have been difficult. My relationships with family have improved, but I have gotten sick...yet again. I've basically given up on trying to read anything into my sickness concerning God's plan. I don't think He's trying to accomplish anything in particular. I am, after all, resting and trying to really use this time wisely. Sickness only gets in the way of that. So, no, I am not reading into anything this time. I am sick because I live in a fallen world, and people get sick. I, in particular, get sick a lot, especially in North Carolina. It's annoying getting sick so much. I can't be the kind of wife I want to be. I can't be the kind of daughter or sister or friend I want to be. I can't really make out my schedule well because I'm sick right when things start to come together. Sometimes the only thing that helps me is differentiating between the "whys" of being sick; at least then it feels like I've been sick for different reasons, and it's not just the same old ding-dong thing yet again messing with my life.

I was sick last March really bad due to allergies and sinuses and the change of seasons. I was sick a lot of the summer due to not going to the chiropractor and my neck royally freaking out, and also because of mold issues (but I couldn't ask for a better house mother concerning that issue; Elena was a boss). I got sick when we returned home because North Carolina hates me, and welcomes me with wrath. I got sick numerous times during teaching at North. Sometimes because of neck problems and heightened stress. Sometimes because of lack of sleep and students who gave me viruses. Sometimes because...I don't know...Life just hated me? I got sick right when I quit teaching because, yet again, mold in our North Carolina home, which Isaiah attacked. And now it's March again, so allergies and sinuses are back again to bite me in the butt. There really are times when I wonder if I can be an effective anything, especially an effective missionary, with as much sickness as I get. But then I remember that there have been times when I've been less sick: namely during the 4 years of college and the 1st year in Colorado. 

I've just honestly never done well in this state. So...why do we live here? Well, because this is where God has us right now. This will be our home base for missions. This is where our roots are. But let me tell you....sometimes I just want to move to somewhere where no one knows me and the environment actually lends itself to me living in freedom from sickness. I wonder sometimes...Will the country of Japan be nice to my body, or will it make me sick the way North Carolina does? I sure hope I'm right about trusting God with my life, which includes my health. 

On top of being very frustrated with sickness (give me some credit, I have dealt with a lot and been very patient...it's just too much!), Isaiah isn't home due to work, and I never know when he'll be off. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful that he's working for me. I am grateful that God has given him a job. But, staying sick without a husband around to love on me and care for me, and not being able to plan things because I never know when he'll be off or how tired he'll be when he gets off, is hard. We also only have one car. I don't enjoy me being the one with the car, not knowing when he'll be off, and hence driving to get him and waiting at a shady service station for an hour until I get a text. I, likewise, don't enjoy being left with no car and being trapped all day. I wouldn't say I'm bitter at the moment, but I would say that I am very frustrated at the current state of affairs. 

Sometimes I wonder what the deal is with God. I pray to Him for my healing, and so does Isaiah, but it doesn't come. Does He even care? Is He even listening? Is He even real? Isaiah says sickness in particular not being healed is something that throws a lot of people into doubt, and I'm sure he's right.  And I can't buy the faith lie: that if I only had more faith, He would heal me. I had a lot of faith when I first started asking, but that faith drops every time He doesn't come through (but it's still there; at least a mustard's seed worth, so what's the deal?). I wonder sometimes what God is doing. I wonder sometimes how in the world I can be a missionary wife when I have phases of doubt like this. I wonder how I can be a missionary wife when I get sick so much (particularly in the past year). I wonder if God even cares. I wonder, but I don't let the wonder kill the knowledge I have. God loves me. I know that. People go through worse. I know that too. God is a good Father. I know that well. Sometimes it's just hard to pair the knowledge with the practical problems of life. I'm #struggling.