The Quieter Boardwalk: Our Second Honeymoon

One of the coolest things about getting to the Boardwalk Chapel early is only being here with a few people. Everyone will arrive at least by Saturday, but, for now, it's just Elizabeth, Ben & Isaiah + I. Though Ben and I talk about Drama and Star Wars a bit, and I love communing with Elizabeth (esp. for morning bible studies like the one we just had), this leaves a lot of couple time for Isaiah and I, which is awesome!

It is very cool in general to be in the place where everything started. Technically, Isaiah & I knew each other in college, liked each other at different times Senior year, kept up via phone, and were dating long distance by the time I saw Isaiah here at the Boardwalk last August.

However, the Boardwalk is still our place.

We hadn't seen each other in two years when I stepped out of his family's Korean Van to meet him here at the Dunn House (where I'm currently typing). He knew he was already in love with me, but I didn't know he was, so I spent the entire van ride nervous about if he'd like how I looked after two years. His sister Geneva sat in my lap, giving me comfort, as I worried and prayed over & over that my focus would be correct. It turned out that he didn't only like how I looked, he was already totally into the entire me. As soon as he told me this, I was more free to officially fall for him too. And we haven't stopped falling since.

Coming to the Dunn House in general and remembering where we first locked eyes after two years is awesome enough, but driving by the place on the pier where we first held hands, getting to rest my head on his shoulders in the chairs at the Boardwalk Chapel again, and even wearing some of the same clothes we wore that week of reunion & joy brings great delight to our hearts, esp. to mine. I feel utterly loved by my husband most of the time. I know that I am his Beloved. But here, in the place where we really began to become one, I feel what being his Beloved means all the more.

Yesterday, after trying to kayak and being told the winds were too high, we visited the Sea Wall instead. The Sea Wall is this amazing concrete path high above the sand and water that people can walk on. Whilst walking the sea wall, you see a lot of really cool people walking their dogs and talking together. But the best thing you see is the ocean itself: all around you and lovely as ever.

We stopped at the place where Isaiah first told me how beautiful he found me and how very much he liked me for everything I was, not just physically. We sat on the rock below the Wall where he poured his heart out, and I felt that same heart, the one which last summer was racing so fast, beating in the chest of my now husband. And what a wonderful & full heart I have found his to be!

We spoke about many things as we reminisced. We remembered how we felt last summer in that moment of confirmation. We remembered how Paul, Isaiah's dad, had called us lovebirds and then left us to our own devices, occasionally coming back to watch his oldest son fall in love. We remembered the ecstasy of finally being given (not finding) the other part of your self--the one who God meant for you all of those 24 years of struggle and joy.

Being here at the Boardwalk early has already been full of planning and beach visiting and getting-to-know people a bit and letter writing (for me) and blogging. But the best part of getting here early has been being filled up by the earthly lover of my soul whom God gave me as a representation of the love He has for me.

Knowing that Isaiah loves me, values what I add here, and sees all of the talents & gifts I have to offer, makes everything okay. No matter who doubts me or doesn't understand or utterly misses what I bring to the table, I know that the most important person, my husband & Beloved, knows the truth. And this is exactly how I feel about God! Marriage is a beautiful thing when the man God gave you to represent His love for you does just that.

Thank you, my husband and friend, for knowing who I am and loving every morsel of who that is. We will do great things together this Summer, and our Father will rejoice over us with gladness.

What's With the Title of this Blog?

I have been meaning, for a while, to explain why this blog is called "Spirited Away" and was recently reminded via a facebook comment from a reader. Although some of you may already have an idea, I would like to tell you why I chose the blog name, which my gracious husband found a bit odd but simply went with. (He's probably used to doing this by now.)

The name "Spirited Away" is two-fold in meaning for me. First of all, I love the name because it points to what Isaiah & I want God to do through us and with us. We want to be "Spirited Away" by Him, to be sent to wherever he wants us via the calling of the Holy Spirit. We desire so much for God to place us where he wants, almost as if by flight, and to dwell in this place until/if He calls us somewhere else. The disciples were "spirited away" when Jesus called them out of their regular lives. They followed Jesus throughout his life, and when he died, the Spirit came to guide them. And boy did it guide them! It led the disciples & apostles to the ends of the earth, and that's amazing! This kind of Holy Spirit, the one that often calls us to extreme things & provides us with supernatural love & ability, is the one that we want to guide us as we approach missions.

The other reason I chose this blog name has to do with Isaiah & I's call to Japan. "Spirited Away," the Hayao Miyazaki film, was my first experience with anything remotely Japanese. Afterwards, I fell in love with various other cultural aspects of Japan (J-Pop, sushi, anime, and respect for elders in particular). But the film was what made me fall in love with Japan first. Since then, I have fallen in love with the people that this film, in a lot of ways, represents. I saw tons of spiritual parallels in the movie. This both thrilled me and unnerved me when I first watched it Sophomore year of high school. I remember seeing the film and thinking about all that the film meant to me which I couldn't even verbally express. Now, as a 25 year old, who feels drawn to Japan increasingly day after day, I can finally explain why I love it so.

In the movie, a young girl's parents are turned into pigs, and she must figure out how to save them so that all three of them can exit the spirit world they've fallen into and return to the human world. She works at a bathhouse for the lady who turned her parents, so she can figure out the key to fixing them. She meets tons of spirits as she works.

I saw the gospel on display in the movie in a lot of ways. I like that Chihiro (the young girl) enters an alternate world and moves from child to adult as she discovers the spiritual realm & becomes an active participant in redemption (she helps redeem her parents. Haku, & many others). This very much feels like how it's been to approach God & missions in general. When I began entering into the spiritual realm (seeing Jesus for He really is, understanding the spiritual battle going on, listening to the Spirit, etc.), I began to spiritually grow more & more. And the more I learned about the spiritual realm and the greatness of the God I serve, the more I was able to help redeem the world around me.

The other things I love about the movie have a lot to do with why Japan needs missionaries in general, and hence, partly, why I want to go to Japan so badly. The film serves as a commentary on Japanese society in certain ways. The bathhouse that Chihiro works for is supposed to be a place of ritual purity; however, it has become a place of greed, corruption, darkness, and ambiguity. Our world was supposed to be a pure and wondrous creation, but sin tainted it. Part of the way in which Japan has been corrupted has a lot to do with a greed. Fathers & mothers often spend very little time with their families due to their extreme dedication to work & making money. They believe the lie that their family is happiest when they are making money. They think they are providing for their families properly, but they are leaving a wake of emotionally abandoned children who have little idea of how to connect relationally to the world around them. Since Japan is a culture in transition which still places a lot of identity in family & heritage, these children have no idea of who they are or what their purpose is. Sounds like children who need knowledge of their Heavenly father and parents who needs the same.

In the story, since the parents are turned into pigs, Chihiro must struggle to develop emotionally & spiritually in the absence of her parents. As mentioned above, so many Japanese families struggle with this. Absent or Workaholic Parents producing Children who Struggle to Know their own Names--to understand who they are. Children who have to figure out identity alone.

The key to releasing Chihiro's parents, herself, and her friend Haku ends up being remembering their true names, who they really are. No-face, the bad spirit in the film, is the ultimate example of what happens when you remain without identity or place for too long. He has no face, no identity; he swallows others whole because he is so incredibly hungry for something he can't even express.

I see the struggle within the film to remember who people are, to recall their true names, to be two-fold. (1) This applies to Japanese culture, as mentioned before, because parents forget who they are while absorbed in work & technology; hence, children can't find out who they are either and wonder aimlessly & full of wounds.

(2) This applies to the gospel because we have, as a human race, forgotten who we truly are when we don't know who our maker and Heavenly Father is. We feel that we are useless, stupid, worthless, degraded, and dirty when we don't know & accept God because we have believed satan's lies. We have forgotten Eden. We have forgotten that we are heirs to Christ, His wondrous Creation. We need to know and then remember whose we are and thus who we are. It is only by accepting Jesus into our hearts that can we remember all of this & our true identity & purpose.

Japan has one of the highest suicide rates for many reasons, but a huge one is sons and daughters not knowing who they are or that they contribute anything. I so desperately want to help these sons & daughters of God know & understand that no matter what their earthly family dynamic, God wants them, is proud of them, and sees a huge reason for their existence.

Please pray that Isaiah & I would be able to go to Japan soon after the Boardwalk.

Pray that we will be "spirited away" to the Land of the Rising Sun.

Pray that we would be able to meet these sons & daughters of the Most High who have forgotten whose they are.

Pray that we can tell them of the Father who wants to lavish them with love so desperately.

We're in Wildwood!

Hello folks!

Isaiah and I are officially in New Jersey! This is the "first leg," I guess you could say, of our missions journey. We will be here from now until September. Though some leave earlier, we'll likely be some of the last to leave since we don't have much of a plan after this, and we want to serve here as long as possible.

We are both working for The Boardwalk Chapel which is located in Wildwood, New Jersey. It's a ministry that's been here for 71 years. It's an open air chapel smack dab in the middle of the boardwalk where folks can stop the busyness of their day and walk in to talk about Jesus. There's a Heaven&Hell machine that often draws folks in, in order to encourage conversation about Jesus and the Word. The machine has about 7 questions, and if someone answers even one wrong, the machine says they're destined for hell; if all are right, heaven lights up. Now, at first, I wasn't such a fan of this. But honestly, it's great because, here at the Boardwalk, it isn't a stand alone item. People have chapel duty, so someone on staff is always there to converse when the Heaven&Hell machine is out, should people choose to play. It's not about the questions or the verdict on the machine; it's about the conversation that happens afterwards between the person on staff and the visitor. The machine is a means to an end; the end being the ability to openly share the gospel with someone who is interested.

So, there is evangelism via the Heaven&Hell machine during the day. This is also the period of time when people on staff practice for the night programs, which happen around 8:30pm. The programs consist of drama skits, music, a sermon, and a personal testimony. Since the chapel is where everyone can see it, folks simply walk in to enjoy some entertainment & leave having heard pieces of the gospel. It's pretty amazing, and I am pumped to be a part of this!

After the night programs, it's time for the New Testament version of evangelism. In the Old Testament, people came to Israel to hear the Word just as people on the Boardwalk come to play the Heaven&Hell machine or to watch the night programs. In the New Testament, there is a sending out; the disciples & apostles go to the ends of the world to share the good news. Likewise, after the night programs, after the crowds have dispersed and more conversations at the chapel happen, we go out in teams of two to talk to people on the boardwalk about Jesus. Not everyone is receptive. In fact, some people, from what I've heard, are rather hostile, but we go & share anyway. I am praying that God will use me greatly in this though I am very scared. It has not been very often that my extroverted & crazy self is afraid, but sharing the gospel well is a tall order. I will simple need a huge dose of Holy Spirit & boldness.

So, here we are in Jersey hanging out with Elizabeth Horst (staff member) & James (who works on construction and lighting for the Boardwalk). Elizabeth & I are doing media updates while Isaiah & James work on shelving (at least I think that's what they're doing). The staff will be arriving throughout this week, and we will start staff training in evangelism soon. Then, the Boardwalk Chapel will be up & running June 13th!

Be praying for our first couple of weeks here. Pray that God would enrich our lives & our love for Him & hence our Boldness for Him.

The "first leg" of our missions journey is starting to take off.

Japan is on the horizon, somewhere in the distance (hopefully near future). But for now, here we are.

Open palmed. Face to the sky. Ready to Share the Good Word.

Why We Can Afford to Look Back

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in my family who is willing to remember the way we were--to remember back when we were together in one house and semi-happy. I keep all of the old family photos and memories in this head and heart and in these albums of mine waiting for the day when someone wants to remember with me. I store the good and the bad times in computer folders whilst everyone else tries to crash their hard drives; to forget...because forgetting is easier, forgetting hurts less.

I remember watching Discovery Kids when I was eleven. I was watching some challenge show where people lived in pods. It was weird but cool at the same time. Anyway, this one time all the kids in the competition had the stand on coals for as long as they could. They had the option of standing on a cool surface for five mins during the process. Turned out the folks who stood on the cool surface for a bit, only to return to the coals, ended up struggling super hard. The only competitor who chose to stay on the coals the entire time, won. He said that never standing on the cool surface gave him the edge because remembering what good feels like in the midst of pain only makes pain worse.

In a way, this is true.

People in my family keep saying things that I know are lies. Like how they never loved a certain person or how they only remember how screwed up we were as a family unit. My brothers even claim they have no childhood memories at all.

I know these things are false because I have evidence. I have love letters and notes and memories of love and conversations in which my brothers remember details from childhood.

The thing is, everyone is afraid it might hurt more if they remember the good of growing up Cleary. They're afraid because remembering what good felt like in the midst of pain only makes pain worse by contrast. When you remember what good was like, the present pain; the bad, feels more extreme.

It takes bravery to remember the good because then we notice the depth of the change that took place to make that same thing bad. When a hero falls, it's worse than when a normal man struggles because of the weight of the good that was lost. Same Concept.

The question is: if and when we open ourselves to hurt; to the hurt of remembering....what is there to replace what is broken? The good thing is, even if it hurts to remember the past, realization and enlightenment come with remembering. And these new hopes can help heal the old wound. You might see how God was present in an old memory or be able to receive love from others that you couldn't the first time around. You may see things you didn't notice when you re-remember. You might have deeper insight now and understand what something meant more. You may even forgive for the first time. You may start to hope. And hope is not a thing with feathers. Sorry, Emily Dickinson, but hope is mighty force that when set free, can take over an entire skyline.

When I think about the pain and simultaneous healing & wondrous nature of remembering the good, I think about Meg Ryan. I imagine the scene in "You've Got Mail" where she's remembering dancing with her mother in her shop, the shop which is now closing down. The memory is painful because she is dealing with the pain of losing her mother all over again, especially because tons of their memories took place in the shop which will soon be out of her hands. But the memory doesn't only bring pain. The memory may hurt and sort of manage to rip the band-aid off Meg Ryan's wound, but the memory also brings her great joy. The pain of remembering is worth it because the memory is lovely and good. And this time, the full depth of meaning is felt because her mother is gone, the shop is soon gone, and she understands all that was and all that no longer is.

There is pain in remembering.

But the remembering is worth it.

When I remember, I understand the depth of meaning within the experience more not only because I have now lived the experience at least once, but also because, everything in hindsight, has better color. And color....helps us see clearly on the darkest of days.

Activity Log: Aprl 24th-May 23rd 2015

April: The end of April was fairly uneventful with adult items like chiropractor appointments, work, and Easter Seals Quarterly training (which is the company I work with my brother through). The good thing about Easter Seals training is that it helps me feel a little more comfortable leaving my brother in the care of a new worker for the summer. The training and check-ups are helpful in weeding out folks who in no way should be working with children. In addition, I get to see my friends and bridesmaids, Amrita and Caitlin, at these meetings because they work for the same company. And this was my last Easter Seals meeting before the Boardwalk Chapel.

May: In addition to the typical everyday, Isaiah & I had a new friend named Quin over on the 2nd of the month. We feasted on rosemary potroast, wonderful wine, and great conversation. He even brought a blow torch (or something akin to it) so we could finish off our own creme brulees. Creme Brulee, by the way, is completely delicious. We felt very spoiled having him over, and it was cool to meet and commune with such a unique spirit who, honestly, I had overlooked before. We are going out to high tea at the O'Henry Hotel in Greensboro with him next Tuesday (May 19th) to say our goodbyes for summer.

We also threw a birthday party for my dad the very next day (May 3rd). It was such and exciting & wonderful opportunity for Isaiah-Calli teamwork hosting two events back-to-back (Fancy Dinner with Quin and Birthday Party for Todd Cleary). Dad's b-day celebration was so great. We wrote him his own paper featuring articles about how he's been our hero, made him a hero cake, played Worst Case Scenario (because he is a pessimist at heart), and a few other games. After the cookout portion and the cake, we watched his favorite movie: "Twister." He has always loves disasters. We only recently got all of the orange streamers down. The Cleary kids, Isaiah, and the Cook family had a blast together celebrating my daddy. 

I also got to skype my co-worker Ben Fauldree on the 7th. We talked about our vision and plan for drama this summer at the Boardwalk and discussed some of the skit ideas we're individually working on. The conversation made me super excited to work with him this summer. We are very different people, but I feel this is an asset that will serve us well. We also got to catch up once more with my friend, Abbi Cooke, from college. She now has a new job and renewed hope thanks to Jesus & Abbi's already positive outlook on life! My friend Katie Everett also had her baby this month, though I have still not been able to see her. It seems that, that happens a lot lately. It is harder to find time once you're married. Rant Warning: Being married is, and I mean it, one of the biggest blessings in life, but single folks, use your time well. You never know when you'll be in love and have to fight to not be with your other half 24/7. I never thought I'd be one of "those women." Turns out, I'm just as bad as every Rom-Com out there. And that is okay. I just need to make more time for people and am praying about how to do this. I feel the Boardwalk will help. 

Mother's Day celebrations were fantastic. We traveled to my mom's house on the 9th (the day before Mother's Day) and made her breakfast-in-bed. However, she was no longer in bed and had technically already eaten. #We Were Later than We Planned. She was still surprised. however, and was happy to eat french toast and homemade whipped cream. Tammy, Colton's worker, gave mom a present of her own as well. She felt very loved for so early in the morning, and we felt blessed to have her. Isaiah & I then traveled to Salisbury to meet his mom, Judi, for lunch at Panera. We talked and were very encouraged by her words of wisdom and love. I might add that her sun hat and the skirt that Isaiah's sister, Londa, made her were fantastic. Judi is just so cute. *I know that it's weird but sometimes I just want to pinch her cheeks because I firmly believe she is the most adorable thing ever. However, I understand this would be weird and also really, really wrong; hence, I haven't and shan't. Oh, but how I want to! 

Isaiah & I then shopped at a local thrift store and picked up a few letters for me to write to friends this summer. We also got a few more items to fill out Londa's birthday present. (Isaiah later completed Elijah's while I finished Londa's *Elijah will get his soon!) We then picked mom up from work at Starbucks and & hung out at some of her favorite spots. The Highlights: (1) Getting absolutely poured on whilst getting lost walking the trails at Catawba College. (2) Playing pianos downtown and eating ice cream at Spanky's whilst soaking wet & cold & happy. (3) Getting to be with my favorite woman on the planet. 

The next day, Actual Mommy's Day, Isaiah & I went to breakfast and then church with my gran. We loved being with her! And Isaiah & I agree that her church has the fellowship & love part of things down. Being there always feels so amazing! Later we went to Concord for Londa's birthday. We had a fun time. Londa was beautiful, as always, and the tea & cakes & games provided by the fam. were phenomenal! 

Monday we rested...sort of. Then...Isaiah & I volunteered at Colton's school, Stoner Thomas, on Tuesday (May 12th), for Field Day. And let me tell you, dribbling basketballs and hosting water balloon tosses with special needs kiddos and parents and some amazing teachers is exactly what the doctor ordered. We felt so fulfilled and full of love at the end of the day when we brought my brother, Colton, home. May have been tiring, but most fabulous things are. Speaking of fabulous things...

Just yesterday, Isaiah & I were able to Skype a missions organization called TEAM, and after speaking with Tom, a leader in Charlotte connected to missions teams in Japan, we feel very encouraged. For the first time in quite a while, I feel the freedom to dream about the country we are called to. Japan---I am falling even more in love with you as I fill out the initial application for TEAM. Isaiah & I look forward to pursuing this with vigor! 

I now sit at the Lexington YMCA and ponder everything that this single month has brought and will bring. We still have my brother Mitch's graduation from community college this Saturday and his party on Sunday. (He is moving on to UNC Chapel Hill.) We also have tea with Quin, fun with my friend Elizabeth Cranston (my best friend here), Elijah English's birthday, and a last hurrah with my friend & co-worker, Michael, who is turning 21. All of this happens to be priority; however, at the moment, it feels like all we're doing is packing. We are in the midst of packing, and it currently takes up every free moment. Some of the boxes go to my dad's for storage and others are going with us to New Jersey for the summer. It shall be a challenge to bid everyone adieu, train whoever Colton's new worker is, try to have time with both Cleary's & Englishes, and continue to have the hots for each other during the process, but Isaiah & I serve a big God, and we are committed. #It also helps having a husband who's so attractive. 

Because of all that is to be done and the transition from North Carolina to New Jersey, I probably won't be able to wright again until we're on the road or in New Jersey. Until then, walk in peace, friends. Pray that Isaiah & I remember what's important and look forward to two weeks of rest in New Jersey upon arrival. 

Senses of Hope

For those of you who aren't aware, Isaiah and I are currently in a state of transition. We'll be leaving for the New Jersey Boardwalk on May 23rd. We're getting there a bit early for a few reasons. (1) We are coordinators, which means we're supposed to be there a little early anyway. (2) We're a married couple who will be living rather communally. However, we'll have our own back bedroom and bathroom. These places will be our "couple" oasis as well as the place where we can host tea parties for individuals who may want to escape or need to chat about some things one-on-one (or rather, two-on-one). Because we really desire for the space to be both welcoming and an escape, we want to get there early to create this. We'll be setting ourselves up for success. (3) It gives me time to write. Ben (my drama-directing partner) and I met and chatted. He's working on scripts at home. I, however, believe that I need to be at the Boardwalk in order to feel enough peace to write out the script ideas I have. Moving out and actually getting to the Boardwalk will give me enough calm to write because my brain won't be crowded by all of these other transitional concerns and to-do lists. (4) I'll get to start cleaning out the drama closet, slash reorganizing it, and/or thinking about things we might need once Ben arrives. Maybe then we could go shopping or networking together. (5) I'll be able to get to know the awesome Elizabeth more; she's a part of the Boardwalk Staff.

So, we are leaving May 23rd. We aren't packed. No one has taken over or even been interviewed for either of my jobs. My family is not in the best place. I still don't feel close to all of the Englishes before heading North for miles, though I do know some of them well. The truth is distance doesn't make the heart grow fonder unless two people are really connected already. I'm worried about losing relationships that have barely started.

And then I have the friends I'm leaving behind that I already barely talk to because I got married and am super in love with my husband, and now it's a whole lot harder to make time for people whom I really do love. On top of getting ready for the Boardwalk, settling jobs, money, packing, bills, and relational aspects, Isaiah and I are also trying to think about what happens post-Boardwalk. I'm attempting to send in teaching applications, and Isaiah&I are still trying to talk to folks overseas slash people involved with Japan, the country to which we feel called. It's hard not having a nailed-down plan even when we have the whole summer before the pressure's on.

We are both in transition. It's hard. But....God is faithful.

Last night's post was rather depressing on a level that I'm not really used to. I'm typically rather positive. I simply feel that I should be completely honest on the blog, especially if it is to be a record of Isaiah and I's call to missions slash a place for people to really know how we Englishes are. This part of the Englishes is struggling--the Calli part.

Isaiah, however, did get some hope and calm this past week, and I am just now starting to feel some of that, which is wonderful.

Isaiah received some recent hope from two places. He received a good bit from the conversation we had with his mom, Judi, on Saturday, the day before Mother's Day. She talked about what an encouragement he's been to the English family in general, especially with being an initiator--one who always suggested prayer, bible study, and the like. She also mentioned him not trading or changing this quality even in the midst of attempting to be others-sensitive. Getting a word from his mother was big, I believe.

In addition to this talk, Isaiah was also encouraged last Thursday after talking with a Godly woman by the name of Hannah. She attends Rich Fork and helped us a lot with our wedding. Hannah spoke with Isaiah about his gift for understanding and interpreting the Word. She also spoke about missions in Japan and how it's a country with hard soil--conversions happen over decades there rather than in the course of a few days. She said that God was probably cultivating growth in us right now. She mentioned that feeling a sense of hopelessness and no-direction and hardly-any-accomplishment is probably something we'll feel often over seas. So, it makes sense to her that we're getting to practice now. Isaiah found this very helpful. So did I when he told me. I only wish I would have been there for the talk. It would have helped.

I am starting to get some hope from other sources, though I still don't have as much as Isaiah. Being more of a planner doesn't as naturally lend itself to faith, trust, and patience. Some of my hope and encouragement came this morning when Isaiah & I talked over breakfast at Panera. Isaiah and I were talking this morning about our ministry together and future missions work as a team. It's amazing what God puts together when He makes two people one. We spoke about our strengths and weaknesses and passions, and I feel, more than ever, that God put us together for a great purpose. There's so much that I knew before we were married. However, every time we talk I am encouraged to know how very good we are for each other and how very good we can be for others. We have already started to work together for ministry, and it's wonderful. I am excited to see what happens in missions together this summer. It will be a new level of working together, and, honestly, I am pumped. I firmly believe will will rise to the challenge. The Holy Spirit & Word & Prayer as our Communicators and Guides.

I also received a good bit of courage from my mother the night before Mother's Day. Isaiah & I have both been blessed with great mothers who can speak into us. My mom was big about discussing the fear I was feeling about messing up God's plan or going for things I felt I would receive a "no" from. "God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of love and a sound mind," my mommy reminded me. She is right.

I may be scared to leave things in semi-disarray here in Concord & Lexington. I may be afraid of our non-plans post summer. And I may be afraid of failure. And even more afraid of being told no. However, I feel emboldened. I shall remain bold. Resting in the Lord & Pressing Forward.

God cannot be thwarted. Especially not by muah.

The Honest Truth of Where I Am

There are times when I feel incredibly unwanted. Sometimes, despite my typically loud personality, I feel like a  piece of furniture in the room that folks could take or leave. Not teaching has made it worse because I no longer have little ones depending on me to "be there" everyday, and I don't feel that my talents are being used, so I ask "What's the point of me?" quite often these days.

I also don't feel like tons of folks are that attached to me anymore. My mom and husband, but not that many others. Used to feel like it mattered a lot if I was present. Now I'm not so sure. It's not that I'm suicidal. I simply often feel incredibly replaceable. In fact, a few people might vocally say they would replace me if given a choice. Or simply delete me all together. 

I've never felt that way before. It's new. And horrid. I think I'm starting to understand the pain my mother has felt. It makes me love her more. It also makes me mad that people are allowed to make other people feel so utterly unlovely and discarded. Like seashells thrown away because they don't shine the right way in the sunlight. But flip them over and they have so much to offer that's ignored.

It's hard to have hopes that are left unfulfilled. It's difficult to think that time somewhere has been a waste. I don't feel like I've made all that much of a difference in certain circles I'm a part of. I know that the church my husband and I are at is not where we're staying (after all, we're leaving in a few weeks), and furthermore, I wonder if we should have attended somewhere else this whole time. We may have gotten more connections and perhaps grown. Or not. I don't know. I simply thought I knew it was right at the time to go there. 

Just like I thought I knew I was coming home to help my family, which is now more divided than ever (though perhaps emotionally healthier). 

Just like I thought I knew who loved me and what support I had and who I'd be close to.

Just like I thought I knew not to teach for a year. It still hurts not to drive to a school. 

Every damn morning. 

[Excuse my frank manner]

Just like I think I know Isaiah and I are called to Japan. Just like I know we both know we have no plans after New Jersey this summer. 

I really am trying to trust God. I need to be praying more for Him to increase my trust & faith. I know this. I'm simply not asking. Because I know He'll do it. And because I trust me more than I trust Him, so I don't really want Him to help.

Stupid as that is.

The logic of it? If I fail, no skin off; expected. And at least I have no one to blame but myself.

If God fails? "There goes my entire life's calling and purpose," I hear as something drops over Niagra Falls. 

I'm just impatient. Always have been.

Passion. Not my struggle.

Fear. Nope. 

Loneliness. No.

But Patience. Man is that hard for me.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

To me, those words sound like a ticking clock counting down the ceaseless hours of me sitting when I should be actively pursuing. But how to actively pursue when the arrow points to um....nowhere? So it seems.

And when you feel awkward around the Christian support you have. 

And when you are a do-er. Not a sitter. 

And when you are dying inside to go, go, go. Do. Explore. 

When verbs are your mantra, and you're living a life of nouns. 

Nouns suck. So boring. So full of non-life (ironic huh?). So incredibly not anything without action.

I like kicking my butt and kicking butt in general. But sitting on it? No thanks. 

I also really like leaving my family in a good place before heading out. I did last time when I left for college. But there are so many loose ends this time. It feels incredibly awful and wrong.

I also love feeling purpose and like there's some theme in the works.

I also really love feeling like a part of my own life and a part of the people in it who are supposed to want me. 

But as the old song says, "You can't always get what you want." 

But I can have what I need. And that is God. The Ultimate Lover of My Soul who has "got this" even if I'm doubting Thomas at the moment. Oh man, Jesus, I need help.

And I can also have what I need in companionship and acceptance in my husband and mother.

And a few others if I asked.

Even just God would be enough. But I've been given even more. Doubly blessed.

I hope I can start seeing what's right in front of my face and be okay with all the things that aren't as well. 

[God wants me. God likes me. God accepts me. God has plans for me.]

Repeat until Believed. 

"Un"Mending Wall

Reading Robert Frost's "Mending Wall" always reminds me of God and I. I remember reading it in college during Dr. Foreman's literature class and thinking about God and I walking on either side of a crumbling wall, picking up stones and putting them back. When I thought about it, God and I were always talking about something awesome as we piled stones, like how cool Donald Miller is or how uncertain life is. But after I finished the poem, I realized that this poem wasn't about God and I at all.

You see, in the poem, the poet and his neighbor meet on each side of a wall every Spring to pick up displaced stones. They put all of the fallen stones back into place; hence, fixing the wall that seperates their properties. At the end of the poem, the neighbor says "Good Fences Make Good Neighbors." In fact, the neighbor says that a few other times as well. He's a little obsessed with the idea. And God, the God I love and serve, is neither obsessed with fences, nor does He like them.

In fact, my God has been knocking down fences for as long as any of you have existed. In the Old Testament, when Adam and Eve sinned, a wall was placed between them and God due to God's utter holiness and man's sin. But God didn't like this wall at all. He liked walking with his children in the garden, no guard railes between He and them, and this now-existent wall, made Him sad like a loving Father and furious like a jealous lover. He was being barred from the creation He loved due to His perfect character and man's now flawed nature. God made a plan right away to knock down that pesky wall and again be one with his creatures; that plan was Jesus. Until that plan came into action, God knocked down the wall in different ways. He had the Isrealites make sacrifices for thier sins and repent when they turned away, and time and time again, God forgave his people. No matter how many times His people turned away from Him, God loved them, all the while hating the wall that separated them.

The wall got in the way of relationship, so God pulled out all the stops to keep communing with His people; he knew who they were, for He made them, but He wanted to show them who He was. God showed his children wonders, interacted with them as much as possible, and gave signs and symbols to show them who He was whilst the wall seperated them. He divided the Red Sea, sent angels, showed pieces of his glory, sent food from heaven for his people...anything and everything to continue interacting with the ones He loved.  He yearned for them to get to know Him, to see Him, to glory in Him, for knowing God (not just knowing about Him) is what He knew would help those He loved so. Knowing Him, Interacting with Him--this was the way for His children to understand love themselves, really the way to understand everything. Relationship is what our Father longed for everyday, knowing that his children did not always feel the same. They didn't feel the same because when the wall was bulit, when sin entered the world, they started thinking that things other than Relationship with the Maker would fulfill them---sex, having children, idols, keeping jewish law, etc and ad infinitum. 

Finally, God enacted "the plan." He sent his own son, Jesus, to die for these sinners, these children who had so often forgotten Him. Jesus was a part of God himself, and since he was God, he could live a sinless life and hence do what Adam&Eve could not, and since he was man, he could be a second Adam&Eve, one who lived correctly. Jesus was killed for sins he did not commit; he took God's children's punishment so that the wall could be smashed. While Jesus breathed his last breaths, man's sin was thrust upon Him so that he could pay for it, and, for the first time, Jesus felt a wall between He and his Father---the same wall that had divided man and God for so very long. It was excruciating for Jesus&the Father. But when Jesus died and rose again, that wall was smashed. The plan worked. The temple curtain was ripped in two; God and man could once again be in real relationship without a divider! How wonderful!

So here we are, in the age of A.D., and sometimes it doesn't feel like God and us are in relationship. Sometimes, it feels like there is still this wall in the Christian life. Why is that? You see, often, it's we Christians who build the wall back up. We keep telling God the wall is still up when we look at our sin instead of at Him. We don't think He&Jesus were strong enough to smash such a sin wall as our own. We delude ourselves into thinking that the wall still exists and then find the misplaced stones and start putting them back. We start saying, "Look God, I can fulfill this law. I can do this in my own strength. I can commune with You now that I'm mentoring this gal." Fill in the blanks.

And while we're trying to earn God's love, we're diminishing Jesus' sacrifice, often saying two seemingly contradictory things at the same time (1) "My sin is too big for Jesus. The wall that separates us is still there, God!" and (2) "I can help tear the wall down by doing good things without you. I must do them without you because I want to talk to you once I'm all better and not before."

But the kicker is, when we say Jesus isn't big enough for our sin, for our walls, and decide that we can help God in our own strength, we put ourselves in front of Jesus and only add to the divide by ignoring Him. Jesus is the only way! No man comes to the Father except through Him. God has smashed the wall through Jesus. And when you try to "earn" your way without Jesus, you add stones to the wall, the one that isn't even actually there, barring yourself from the Father until you find yourself "all better," which is not going to happen in this life. We remain His broken children in a sincerely messed-up world, and we must accept the fact that the best place to be is in Jesus' arms rather than frantically working to earn things we can't even comprehend. Frantically picking up achievements without God is the same as frantically picking up stones.

The thing is, though we do, as Christians, sometimes, rebuild our own walls, we don't enjoy them! No person enjoys separating themselves from God; we just sometimes think we need to "struggle through" in order to be worthy of Jesus in the first place. But we will never be worthy, and that is the point. Jesus' gift was unconditional. This relationship with God is not an equal partnership, and the more we accept that, the more we can just rejoice in the fact that the wall is gone. We were not made for struggling to earn love. We were made for accepting the love given us.

In the poem "Mending Wall," the poet says the famous line: "Something there is that doesn't love a wall." God doesn't like them. And deep down, we don't either. If you are a Christian, look around you and realize that the wall has already been knocked down by someone way more powerful than you. Stop trying to "fix things" that God has called "no longer broken" through Jesus' blood.

And if you aren't a Christian, I challenge you to think about this God who hates that wall--the one that you feel separating you from all of the meaning you long for but can't grasp.

When nightfall comes, Christian, and you feel like becoming better so God will love you, stop and revel in the love because it's already there.

And when nightfall comes, NonChristian, stop and revel in the love that's already there, the love you're afraid to embrace for fear you don't deserve it.

None of us do. And that's the beauty of it.

Let it Rain.

There is a very simple Jesus Culture song that says "Let it Rain. Let it Rain. Open the Floodgates of heaven, Let it Rain," and goes on to mention feeling the rains of Father's love poured from heaven. I've always found the song incredibly beautiful but almost TOO simple. That is, until I started preparing for my earthly father's birthday.

There I am, writing stories for my dad's fake newspaper, which we Cleary kids plan on reading him for his birthday. I'm listening to "I'll Never let Go of Your Hand" by Don Francisco. It's then that I start leaking from my face super hard core because I realize all that my father (my earthly one) has done for me and for others over the years. The man has taken care of his handicapped brother basically all his life and has a handicapped son that he now cares for as well. He's rescued women from falling objects, saved folks from drowning (including yours truly), and even more than that, on countless occasions, has done the little things that make his family feel loved, like feeding us whilst he himself went hungry. 

My dad is pretty boss, and sitting there typing out all he'd done for me, I started realizing that I, for years, have not understood the gravity--the depth--of his love. I've thanked him numerous times, but I had not, until the other day, received all of the love that he's poured out on me. Me not receiving the complete love he has continued to give all of these years doesn't change the fact that he gave it. It simply makes the gift more sweet because I finally tasted all of the love he'd given, and it was so good. I finally ate the sweets that my daddy had been placing into my pockets all these years! For 25 years, I'd let that candy sit there in my pockets, and let me tell you, that is a long time to wait for sweets!

My daddy had simply continued to bless me, putting little candies in my pocket whether I noticed or not. But I was too busy complaining, being distracted, and looking at the guilt and shame covering me to notice all of the sweet love that had been given me. 

When I was able to dry my eyes enough to sweep the hair out of my face, I realized that the reason I couldn't receive all of the love from my earthly father until that moment was because I hadn't received the outpouring of love from my heavenly father until more recently either. You see, up until my wedding and subsequent nuptial bliss, I had been keeping parts of myself from God, ugly parts that I didn't want Him to have to deal with. I told myself I was protecting Him from having to deal with such grime when, in reality, all I was doing was barring myself from feeling the full weight of his love and grace. By not showing Him my worst, I remained unable to received His best. How could I really understand how much His love had to overcome (and therefore how great it was!) when I wasn't being honest about what needed be overcome in the first place?

You can't understand the weight of a rushing waterfall until you see how strong the dam that it broke through was. Neither can you grasp God the Father's fullness of love until you come face to face with the strength of sin it had to dismantle.

So now, as I think about the love these wonderful earthly vessels have given me, even if that love is impure, I rejoice. I am able to soak in the rain that has been resting on my skin all this time. I am able to let this love-build-up nourish me.

And now, even more importantly, when God opens the floodgates of heaven and pours love and blessings out on me, I actually feel the flood of his love rather than a trickle. I am no longer placing roofs of guilt, shame, pain, or failure over my head; subsequently, blocking God's outpouring. 

I stand. Arms open. Head to the sky.

And the flood rain of God's love? It is sweet to the taste.