Christmas Day 2015

Woke up this morning feeling achy but happy to be in a home full of family that, though they aren't blood, do welcome, care for, and genuinely love me.  There have been points at which I haven't felt at home here, or like I am part of this family which didn't birth me. And I can't promise perfect feelings of belonging in the future, for I learned quite a while ago not to trust feelings. They are far too fickle. (For God to love the fickle human heart full of changing emotion is beyond my understanding!) What I will say is that, this morning, today, I feel a part of this place, this family, this home. Today, I am truly an English.

I have felt this way before. I like it. I hope it stays. And I will, as I have been, practice feeling one with these people who are truly a daily blessing to me. This may sound "nonromantic" to you, but, to me, the trained heart, feelings which are guided by logic, are beautiful. The Renaissance plays in which protagonists learn to understand logically how to love and who practice that very thing, all the while seeping themselves in correct emotion--that is romantic to me; it is beauty; it is, in a sense, the Christian Life. Emotion and logic existing in harmony and calling back and forth to each other in a beautiful dance of melodious and variant sounds is what I like to call true love. It's how I love God, depending on logic when I don't feel, and depending on feeling when I start to simply "go through the motions." It's how I love Isaiah. It's how I love this family, my family, the one that, today, I know is mine too.

As for "the now," I am enjoying practicing  Russian phrases and words with one of the Ukrainian girls in the English home this Christmas: Luda. Who knew a random college semester of learning this language would come in handy!? I am enjoying everyone's meaningful gifts and a beautiful breakfast that we are still munching on. I am enjoying the knowledge that soon, some of my friends from the Boardwalk will be with us again. I am enjoying the feeling of Christmas. I am still worried about the future; the back of my mind seems to be on fire with thoughts of stopping my job, new possibilities of work for Isaiah, concerns about a car or a home of our own, and the timing of all things called Adult Life. But thankfully, this Christmas, I can tell the back of my mind to "shut up" and leave room for faith, trust, family, a warm husband, fuzzy socks, and the smell of pine.

But most of all I can remind myself that there is a God who left heaven to die for me, who loved me in that moment and who loves me still, giving me gifts this Christmas as well: a loving husband to wake up next to, and two loving families: One I was born into.  One I was adopted into by marriage. In one, I have "the ties that bind," the blood and love and memories I cannot escape. In the other, I choose to sew myself into a pattern that has already been formed, one that, though it is intricate, still makes room for a new piece of thread which wishes to become one with the design.

A New Season for the Englishes

Many of you may not know that I have given my notice to the principal at North Davidson.

Today is my last day at North before Christmas Break. I will return January 4^th and finish out the semester, my last official day being January 15^th. I am not going to pretend that everyone (mostly my side of the family) is okay with this decision; however, Isaiah and I have put a lot of thought into it.

The main reason I am stopping after this semester is so I can take the Bible classes that I need for Japan. I realize I could complete these while teaching but the cost to my stress level, health, and marriage is simply not worth it to me. Life is about far more than income. Life is about, first of all, getting to know the God who made me, actually having time for Him. When we got back from the Boardwalk, I started reading the Bible voraciously and enjoyed every minute of it! I couldn’t wait to delve into His Word and Truth more.

Teaching, though it has been helping us pay off our loans, has taken away a lot of my time which has cost me my deepest wish: to get to know my God more. It’s been like another first year of teaching honestly; I’ve had to invest so much time in the regular “stuff:” lesson planning, grading, taking attendance. But I’ve had to do lots of new things too: learning how to teach regular and remedial students rather than Honors, dealing with tons of behaviors and discipline, writing referrals, taking writing samples from special needs students, learning how the timeline and testing work at a public school.

I simply haven’t had time to spend with the God I long for (I know I can "make" time, but that is easier said than done). I feel very similarly in my relationship with God  as to Isaiah—that I barely have enough time to spend, constantly long for more, and  have this deep emptiness as a result; which makes sense because God is my maker, my father, my companion forever; I miss Him even more than my husband, which is saying something because I miss Isaiah constantly, especially when I’m at school surrounded by students that I often wish to be protected from. (My students are sometimes sweeties but also come with a certain spice that often makes me a little scared slash stressed out.)

There are parts of this job which I have enjoyed and will continue to enjoy until its close. There are students I have loved from the start and those which I have learned to love. There are faculty members who have welcomed me and helped me. There are small gestures which North Davidson has done which have brought me happiness in the midst of hardship (Decemberfest, which happened today, actually reminded me of why I do love it here some days. It took a lot of fun, dedicated, and patient teachers to pull that together). I will say though, that, despite all of these things, after working at James Irwin,  these things at North have seemed a mere shadow of meaning.

There were many challenges at James Irwin (my first teaching job), but there were co-workers with whom I had deep connection, partly because we shared the bond of Christ. And the students went through so much and put me through so much, but they felt like my own children. These kids don’t feel like mine as much. I pray to love them and care for them daily, but I do not as naturally “feel” what I did before. Perhaps it is because I no longer worship my job or no longer find my soul meaning in this work. Perhaps it is because a shift happened when I married. Perhaps it is because a lot of these kids are more entitled than needy. I am unsure of all the reasons. But I do know that my grief will not be what it was when I left my first teaching job.

I am excited to get to take Bible classes as well as to simply spend more time in the Bible in general. I know that these things will reward me so much, for my Father God is in those words. I believe my having to wait for these things this semester will make them all the more wonderful when I get to do them!

Again, the main reason I am leaving is to pursue God and Japan, to take the classes I need in order to go and to get more Truth pumping into my veins. I thirst for it. This action is for personal gain ( me personally getting to hang out with God!), but also for Japan.

It seems silly when people tell us that they think this is "getting us off track," the reason being: Japan is the goal that we feel God has set before us. I need to take these classes. Since we get training for Japan in May, I need to take the courses next semester. I feel that most people simply see Isaiah and I at face value through a secular worldview. The face value definition of us: Two newly marrieds living with the wife's mom, the wife now stopping her job, the couple probably getting a little less money. The secular interpretation: "This couple is drifting. They need their own home, a dual income, and to get their 'stuff' together". However, this couple (the "us" of the equation) isn't just pointlessly drifting. We are doing what God has told us to--preparing for Japan. We are far from drifting no matter how it may seem to others or feel even to me sometimes. We have been paying off loans, and I am about to invest deeply into the Word, an incredibly important thing for a missionary to do! 

 But, back to the issue at hand; the quitting my job: I would be lying if I said personal time with God and preparation for Japan were the only reasons. Key Word: only, for time with God and classes are the main reasons. Here are the secondary reasons....just so I can give full disclosure. 

This semester has been very difficult. My back and neck are in constant pain due to stress, expectation, spite from students, and lack of time. There have also been mornings which remind me of previous trauma. When it’s very early in the morning, dark on the way to school, and I feel the same fear I once felt living in the boarding house with the “creeper” before Susan and Cope rescued me, I almost feel the vomit rising in my throat before I step out of the car and have to leave Isaiah, the one person I feel safe around. This doesn’t happen every morning, but when it does, it makes it harder to be excited for my kids, especially the ones who verbally say they hate me. And most of the fear, by they way, comes from the fact that I am hated throughout most of the day and feel very alone. 

Though 1st period and 3rd period (at least for the most part) have been fine, 2nd period has been very difficult. Honestly, I spend most days feeling utterly despised and only having that continuously confirmed. I believe I am disliked for many reasons; however, most of them are invalid. I am holding kids to high standards, I have a logical sense of justice not based on student feelings, I do not yell (which is what they are used to and honestly respond to more), I replaced a teacher they liked, I don't teach in a way they're used to, and I am big about respect. But sometimes hatred or strong dislike comes from people being told truth and reacting against it (this happened at the Boardwalk this summer when folks were confronted with the gospel). This is the thought that has often brought me comfort these last few months...this and the fact that honestly, every day it gets better. Small victories for the win! But, for a perfectionist who felt like she "had it together" before, small victories are often hard to enjoy. I've always been extreme. I like "whole hog" victories, obliterating the problems rather than patiently allowing things to sink in and change hearts. My husband is much better at this than I, the waiting, the allowing things to ruminate, the being "chill" as they say. I'm learning.

Anyway, now that I have spilled my guts to you, dear readers, here's some closing thoughts about this change (Yes, I realize this sounds like a high school paper. Blame it on the fact that most of this was written at school during a class movie--"Frankenstein!")

Closing Thoughts: I am still unsure of why God had Isaiah and I had to go through this season. Maybe to help me let go of control and develop even more patience. Maybe to help me be a bit disillusioned with teaching. Maybe to reconfirm the letting go of the idol of teaching. Maybe to help remind me of what fear feels like and how crippling it can be (fear is not something I naturally understand well). Maybe to help me be content with staying home. Maybe for a thousand reasons that I won't know until we're in Japan or maybe even on the other side of Glory! Like I said in my last post, it's enough to simply trust Him....though this is difficult for a human like me (we're all control freaks). 

I am also really excited about this upcoming season (it's not here yet!). I am pretty pumped to be in the Word and back in school! Man I miss school (learning that is!). Academia is the best, especially when it has to do with Christ! I am also pretty happy to have time to blog again, to update people on where we are missions-wise, to perhaps keep in touch more with friends (being married AND working full time really keep you from this!), and to simply be more calm. I am also planning on learning some of the more "wifely" items which my husband already knows: like how to cook and sew. I know, never thought I'd be the slightest bit excited about those things....but I am. Guess it took a man feeling confident about them to get me to be okay (as a woman) with doing them. #Residual Feminist Problems. I'm honestly excited to maybe enjoy some of the simple things in life like my friend Bonnie McCoy. Looking forward to tea drinking and planting and crafts and packing my husband's lunch. 

I think maybe I needed to know that Isaiah was willing and able to be the supporter. I was so worried a man would never be that or be willing to be that. And now that he has been that, I want to do it for him all the more. Now, I get to be the support while he works....we're thinking bread job. I'm excited for us to switch roles again. It's like we're participating in the ultimate marriage challenge: switching roles half way through the year after moving three times already. I love it! ...Well usually.

Looking forward to talking to you more,

Mrs. English 

What are we doing?

As we have been preparing to go to Japan this past year our expectations, confidence in our calling and the wisdom of our decisions has waxed and waned. No denying that.
Thankfully we haven't had a lot of people criticizing our decisions so far, because we provide plenty of internal questioning and criticism ourselves. 

I was asking myself again a few days ago, "What are we even doing going to a country we've never been before and not really knowing all the struggles and challenges that will be present?" 
Frankly we don't really know what we're getting into.

However, as I began to ask myself that question—while trying to research as much as I could and prepare myself as best as I can. I began to realize that what I'm proposed with is something I've faced before, not too long ago.

About this time last year I was very seriously considering, even planning, marriage to the most beautiful girl on earth. Yet, the more I planned and read and tried to prepare myself for all that might be in store I quickly realized that I can never know everything beforehand. I'll have to just take the plunge and then trust God to carry me through. I cannot predict the future, so by definition if I make a commitment about things I'm going to do I must trust God for help.

I realized, the situation we're in now as we consider Japan and keep moving forward is rather similar to getting married. A song writer we know, Don Francisco, says, "Nobody has any idea what they're doing when they get married. You can know a person 3, 4, or 5 years, but you don't really know them until you get married. That's just the way it is."
I would completely agree.

I thought I knew Calli before we got married, but looking back I feel as though we were almost strangers on our honeymoon compared to the depth I know her after only 10 months of marriage. 

So it is with our applying for Japan. We can do all the research we want (and we are doing a lot), but ultimately nothing can really prepare us for everything that's in store except God Himself. When two people get married they (at least ideally) seek God's will about making vows to that person and if they are convinced He is leading them down that path they take a step of faith and commit to something which has almost innumerable variables and uncertainties. However, they commit based upon their faith that God will be their support and that no matter what He has in store for them (death, sickness, poverty, tragedy, etc.) He will be able to carry them through it.

At this time we are applying to serve in Japan indefinitely (until the Lord directs us otherwise). Are we afraid? In some ways, yes! However, we've already trusted Him by swearing to love one another until death separates us, so we're ready to trust Him with this as well.

What are we doing? We're placing our trust in the only one who is trustworthy and believing that He will support us through everything that He has planned for us. It is up to us to obey, whether we know everything or not, it is up to Him to do everything else (so that He gets all the glory He rightly deserves!). 
"Speak, Lord, for your servant hears." "Here are we, send us!"

Getting a Heart Tune Up

"Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing
Tune My Heart to Sing Thy Grace…"

The second line of the first verse is known by many and yet, I wonder how often we have stopped to think about what we are asking as we sing this hymn…

What does it mean to "tune my heart" and why would I pray for the "Fountain of every blessing" to do that to me? Although I'm no authority on the background and meaning of this hymn I do have a few ideas about what might be meant by this phrase and how it can be helpful for us as fellow delight-ers in God to consider this imagery more closely.

When you tune an instrument you adjust it's strings, air tubes, drum heads, or whatever aspect of it varies the sound in order for it to play the right notes. This allows the instrument to vibrate (create sound waves) which correspond to the absolute frequencies we call music notes/tones. 

If we think of our hearts like musical instruments which can be strummed we can understand Robinson's analogy of tuning our hearts. Because of sin our hearts don't always resonate and vibrate to the frequency they should. When we hear about the love of Jesus on our behalf we don't always feel very thankful, but that's not because it isn't worth being thankful for, it's because our hearts are out of tune. When we hear about our own sin we often are not broken-hearted or feel the weight of it's offense against the Almighty of Heaven and Earth.

However, when we sing this hymn we're asking God (the "Fount of every blessing") to make our hearts produce emotions corresponding to the truth of his grace; especially to make us joyful enough to sing about it. 

To me the analogy of "tuning my heart" has been very helpful in my life as a redeemed child of God as I make it my practice to meditate on the glories of God in his thoughts, actions, and affections. I have found that the more I fill my mind with the truth of God found especially in His Word the more I am affected most deeply by conversations, songs, and sermons about such things. Sometimes one need only mention the name of Jesus and my heart resonates with gratitude and love. I believe this is an instance of my heart being "in tune."

I find that as I seek to bring my affections into accord with the glorious reality of who God is and what He has done—whether it is to weep at sin or delight in the beauty of God and revel in His love and grace!—the more my heart naturally goes there. We don't often think of emotions becoming habits but I think there is a way in which as we intentionally train our emotions along certain paths we shall find ourselves increasingly touched deeply by the things of God as we should be.

If God is as great as Scripture says He is, and His grace is as amazing as Scripture says it is, we should be "rejoicing always" we should be "singing new songs to the Lord" and be so overcome with joy that we're not content until all creation is praising the Lord with us!

When our hearts are out of tune we will not sing for joy at the marvelous grace of God we will simply shrug our shoulders and turn away. "Oh, Jesus died for me, that's interesting. How fascinating that God would become a man. Totally enthused over here. Just can't. help. being. excited." (*imagine in deadpan voice*)

When we are born again we have a new set of passions. New things make us most sad and new things fill us with the most joy and excitement. Maybe it used to be drugs, alcohol, or sex. Maybe it was video games. Maybe it was our favorite hobby, book, food, or game. 

Now it's Jesus! (Nothing else can compare!)

This is the "Fount of blessings" "tun[ing] [our] heart to sing [his] grace." And as with the other aspects of our becoming holy (sanctification) it is something we actively participate in. The work God is doing in our lives to transform our emotions as well as actions and thoughts is something we work for—"though it was not [us], but the grace of God that is with [us]," as Paul says (1 Cor 15:10).

We must meditate on God's glorious actions and attributes until our hearts are tuned to break us out into songs of joy, it is the only way we will inherit the kingdom of heaven.

Having our hearts tuned to sing of God's grace is not just an optional add-on to Christianity, it is actually essential. 

Montgomery Paul Webb sums up Jonathan Edwards' thoughts this way:

"The Bible associates sin with hardness of heart, not being moved by emotion, Romans 2:15; Ezekiel 3:7; Psalm 95:7,8; Acts 19:9; Hebrews 3:8,12. Being delivered from the power of sin takes away a heart of stone, Ezekiel 11:19; 36:26. However, being more emotional does not make a person more spiritual. Spirituality should not be judged by the nature of temporary emotion but by the strength of emotional habit. Actually, our passions may not have outward expression, depending on how busy our life might be, but they are necessary to a healthy spiritual life, and proper intellectual understanding should produce emotion. Having too little emotion is error, just as having too much.

Being prejudiced against religious emotion leads to a hard heart, lifeless formality, and a denial of the power of God. Being merely emotional, without transformation of the soul, leads to an addiction to excitement. Our emotions should help us to grow in our spiritual relationship to God. Usually, our emotions are mostly involved in worldly matters. Yet, nothing is more exciting, lovable, or desirable than our spiritual life. Jesus Christ is worthy of our emotion."

So let us pray that the "Fountain of blessings" would "tune our hearts to sing His grace" so that we may forever enjoy that which is most worthy of enjoyment instead of trying to find satisfaction in things which cannot ultimately satisfy—our ultimate joy, or conversely sadness, depends on it!

Strangers and Exiles On The Earth

"These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city."

My wife has recently written about hard things in our life right now that might make trust seem difficult. In reality trust wouldn't be trust if we had all the answers, but even more than that, this passage from Hebrews 11 reminds us of what's really going on and what our priorities are.

It is easy at this point in our journey to think we are alone, unique, or especially beset with trials. We are walking a path which does not allow our fleshly desires to thrive—and so feels difficult sometimes—but we are not the first to walk this kind of path. We are preceded by a "great cloud of witnesses" which have given up far more than we have yet been asked forego.

This Hebrews passage is one that comes to my mind whenever I am tempted to bemoan my situation.We are exiles here on this earth. We are seeking a homeland which is not here. We do have "the opportunity to return"—to establish myself in my comfort zone, establish myself in a nice little house and job and family—but we "desire a better country, that is a heavenly one." Therefore we have the promise that "God has prepared for [us] a city," even though we will have to die "in faith, not having received the things promised."

We are in a time of transition but there is a very real sense in which our whole lives on this earth are a time of transition. This earth, this age, is not our home. Otherwise we would invest everything in making our lives as pleasant now as possible. Instead we are seeking a heavenly country. We are seeking to be heavenly stock-holders, knowing that "where our treasure is, there will our hearts be also." By placing our treasure in heaven we direct our hearts to think beyond this life and the fleeting pleasures we give up in order to gain real, lasting ones.

The Bible says this has bearing on our relationship with God. If we place our trust in His promises, then "He is not ashamed to be called [our] God."The converse implication of that is that if we were to cling tightly to security and comfort in this life He would be ashamed to be called our God.

This is a scary thought. Much more scary than any loss of comforts, or even life could ever be. Imagine the Almighty Lord of Heaven and Earth being ashamed to be called your God…(Don't let this be you!)

Yet, if we trust Him we have the most glorious and reassuring thing that could ever be said to us: "Therefore, God is not ashamed to be called their God." Imagine the Maker of Heaven and Earth telling all of His creation that He is proud to be called your God?

How will God be proud to be called our God? By our magnifying the fact that He is all-sufficient which is done by trusting His ability to provide something better even beyond this life and giving up temporary pleasures with assurance that we will receive lasting ones in the life to come!

Our living in, and eventually dying still in, faith—believing that beyond this life are things that make giving up the greatest pleasures this life has to offer totally worth it for the joy to come—is the condition our God gives for Him not being ashamed (but rather proud) to be called our God and our receiving His promised city.

So when people ask us, What about your ideal job? What about having your own place? What about establishing yourselves? What about "thinking ahead?"We tell them, we are thinking ahead, thinking the most ahead. We are thinking beyond even this life and we're looking for a God who is proud to be called our God and a better country, that is, a heavenly one!

In the Valley of Non-Vision

For those of you who don't know, Isaiah and I are in a time of transition. I am teaching at the high school I grew up in, and it's not very fun (though, admittedly, I have settled in more lately). Isaiah is at home helping with cleaning and cooking and running the occasional bread route for extra cash. A lot of the time, when I feel things are not moving like they should be, I take comfort in the fact that we're in transition--that missions in Japan is on the horizon. 

But the thing is, Japan seems so very far away right now, so far away in fact that it's hard to not feel discouraged. Often, I end up feeling like all of the things we're sacrificing right now aren't worth it in the long run; I mean are we even going to get to Japan? Is that even the right path? Sometimes Isaiah talks about "To Every Tribe." I wonder if we shouldn't be doing that first rather than trying to go straight over with TEAM. Sometimes I wonder if we're called to Japan at all. I feel like I'm living in the dark. I am trying to trust God, but it's hard when the hope and goal seem to be only a flickering candle, there one minute and gone the next (this analogy works for how I currently feel about Japan and how I feel about God's presence). 

At the moment, it seems like everything is for the future. All of it is for Japan. What if Japan isn't our future? Then what is all of this even for?...I wonder sometimes.

I mean, I'm at a job I don't like to get money to pay off loans, so that when we get into Japan, we'll owe little to nothing to the government. We're staying with my mom (Oh how I dream of a "normal" life sometimes with our own place!) right now in order to have money to...again, pay loans rather than spend money on rent and bills. In addition, we don't see much point in getting out own place when we'll be in NJ this summer and Japan (maybe?) next year. Isaiah isn't working currently because I end up needing him a lot (my job is hard) and because we only have one car (mostly because we knew we didn't need both this summer and we still shouldn't really have two because this summer we'll be in transition yet again, and then if and when Japan happens...surprise. Another transition.) 

It was so easy to be in a perpetual state of transition back in college and even before marriage. Once you're married, it's like this switch gets flipped. I'm not sure if it's due to social constructs and ideas or something deeper, but I find that it's much harder to "have no [official] place to rest my head" now that I have a ring on it. I want our own place. I want to be home more. I want to know what the heck the future holds. And when your future (at least, we think it is) is to be a missionary, this life of comforts, constancy, and planning doesn't really work. 

Being a fisher of men in your backyard is great. But what about when you're called to fish somewhere else? What about when you think you're made for Japan, but you're not even sure? It gets hard to work in the dark for a Carpenter who a lot of times keeps silent. How do I even know where to throw my net while I'm here, how to plan for later when I'm unsure of what later means? How do we, as a couple, fit together the pieces of our lives when it feels like nothing makes sense or is for any purpose anymore? 

The key is to not trust the emotions I have. The key is to trust what I know. 

God is in control. God gave me a husband who believes we are destined fro Japan. God pointed us in a direction a while ago whether or not He's speaking now. God loves his son, Isaiah, and his daughter, Calli. God knows the work He has for us here and overseas. God sees the path I can't. I will praise Him and work for Him in the dark even when he decides to be silent, even when I feel that all of me riles against working without a goal or purpose, even when I am discouraged. 

Maybe God is working on my trust or my patience or my contentment. I don't care anymore. I am tired of trying to label what He's doing....tired of feebly attempting to explain this God's silence and plan. I will trust Him though I see no end. I will trust Him even when my feelings cry out in argument. He is worthy. And that is enough. 

Manna in the Classroom: Old Testament Lessons in the Desert

I've recently been reading a book that Isaiah & I found at a local consignment shop called "Manna & Mercy." Given, it's a bit liberal and thus focuses too much on God's grace, skipping over (or more like: putting icing over) His Justice, but overall, it says a lot of super legit things and gives a different focus to some of the writings of the Old Testament. I've really been digging it. One thing the storybook keeps bringing up is the Lessons which are Taught In the Wilderness Classroom by an Awesome God-Teacher. He shows Israel his heart through various lessons, which are often very hands on, in the desert.

Since, honestly, there are things about this semester of teaching that are hellish, I've been thinking a lot about God's classroom and how it's often in the Wilderness, both with the Israelites and with us (in the midst of struggle) that we learn best.

This is a season of Wilderness for me. When I taught at Dade County and James Irwin, I was happy just about every single day on the drive to school, just contemplating the love in my heart for my kids and the fun plans I would share with them that day. After a year hiatus (including a summer of leading Drama at the Boardwalk Chapel and my new marriage), I am back to teaching. But this time, on the drive to school, I usually feel like crying and quitting. Classroom Management is hard right now, and I so wish I could re-do some conversations with Colorado friends, showing them more empathy and giving them less advice having faced this difficulty myself now (Sorry Amy Verner. God will give you a jewel in your crown for listening to me when you should have yelled at me to be more sympathetic.God bless you for putting up with my "rhymes with brass.")

North Davidson is a great place. But teaching public school rather than Charter is hard. Teaching Seniors rather than Freshman is pretty hard. Teaching regular kids and not Honors JI students is really hard. And, honestly, teaching from more of a place of Brokenness is extra difficult too. I used to feel like I had everything together in the mornings. Now I'm lucky if I can delude myself into believing I can even make it through the day (which I am only able to do through prayer and faith).

Anyway, suffice it to say: Season of Wilderness at my job. So reading this portion of the book about God's Wilderness Classroom was encouraging. I started to see lessons, parallels, and truths about teaching in the Old Testament which I hadn't noticed before. So, here they are. There are some which I probably take too far or too literally, but overall, I hope this brings you hope and encouragement in your teaching endeavors as it has mine.

I have included the first 3 on this post. The next ones will follow.

1. The Lessons are Bigger than the Details: It's about teaching your students something larger, something about life!

The truth is, when Israel was in the wilderness, God was teaching them BIG lessons! He taught them lessons about trusting Him to provide rather than always leaning on themselves. He taught them lessons about not wanting too much or being selfish with what they had. And he taught them these things through stuff like "manna" which literally means "What is this?" (very fitting for how we feel trusting in God rather than ourselves sometimes). The manna itself was a beautiful act of faithfulness but it was what the manna produced in the Israelites which mattered, arguably, even more: a dependence on God rather than themselves & a spirit of peace, rest, and contentment with what was enough.

It's important to remember when we teach, that the daily lesson plans, correct assessments, classroom discipline, etc. are not the point. The point is to direct students to something larger: to teach Generation Me to stop being so selfish, to teach students to look beyond immediate circumstances and feelings in order to find truth, to direct students to Christ. It's not about just the "tool;" it's about what we're communicating in the process.

This is encouraging because even God's students, the Israelites, didn't always get His methodology or use his "tools" correctly, but He was still changing their hearts. That is what is important. So, if you exist in the classroom and are communicating truth, God's truth, to students, you are already, by definition, doing what is most valuable.

2. Calling Your Students to be a Contrast People is Hard and Will Produce Frustration & Struggle. It's Normal.

When reading the Old Testament, it's clear that God is calling Israel to be a peculiar people. He desires for them to be different (welcoming, God-followers, who rest sometimes and actually set slaves free...weirdos!) Israel has a hard time with this. They want to be like the nations around them. They fight Moses about it. They fight Joshua about it. They fight the prophets about it. They fight with God.

If you're a good teacher, you expect and desire for your students to be counter-cultural. You want them to be world-changers and not just "go with the grain I exist in your classroom and sleep in a state of ultimate apathy" people. Since this is your desire, your rules and ideas (much like God's) will reflect this, and that will be hard for your kids just like it was hard for Israel.

Going against the grain, being respectful and not entitled, being kind and not self-involved, being truth seekers and not people pleasers, is hard. Since you're the one that makes the rules and expects the counter-cultural behavior, you are the one, much like God & his prophets, who will bear the brunt of your student's wrath and frustration. It's okay. It doesn't mean you're a bad teacher. It means you're good. It means you're asking your kids to be better and that this frustrates them at times. Frustration, by the way, usually can happen in changing and developing hearts. (I am not speaking of exacerbation. That's different)

Think of it this way. If a parent doesn't allow a child to eat a butt-load of MSG and caffeine and sugar, this may be counter-cultural; it may cause the child to be frustrated. Does this action, this not allowing the child to eat bad things, make that parent evil? No. It makes the parent a good parent.

It's simply hard for Israelites, children, students, and people in general to rise above. When things are hard, we can lash out. Be ready for your students to do this, and stop feeling like it makes you bad at your job.

3.Teaching Your Kids that they aren't Big Deals in a World that's Fighting that, Makes Discipline Difficult (Elaboration on #2):

We all feel like we're a big deal when we're born. We're a kicking, screaming, bloody-mess of self-focus, and from that first day, God is working to help us look beyond ourselves. When people remain in the state of feeling like they're a big deal and that feeling gets even worse, they start to push others down. People show they're big deals through things like achievement, bullying, knowledge acquisition, etc.

When you, as a Christian, step into a classroom, you are entering a room of people who think they're a big deal. Just like God's job  is to show you that you are not the center of the universe and that He's the real big deal and not you, it is your job to show students that the world is full of people (including you) who they will need to respect and honor because they are NOT the ultimate big deal.

Since this is the 21st Century, Generation Me, and since there are tons of studies about adolescents which honestly, give their behavior excuses when used incorrectly (as they often are), it's hard to fight this. Most students these days have taken the good phrases like "Shoot for the Moon. Even if you Miss you'll Land Among the Stars" as "I am the business; Listen to Me because I am da' best and smartest. I don't even need school." Fighting this in a world full  of adults who believe they are big deals and in a world full of students who have been shown that they are big deals, is challenging. (Side Note: Part of the problem is that we have become obsessed with raising people's self-esteem rather than their esteem of others!)

When you show people they are not the center, they get mad. Expect to get anger when you show students that they can't be the center. Be ready for this to make discipline difficult. Selfish human nature is not necessarily you're fault, so don't even think about taking on student backlash as something that makes you a failure.

Keep showing students truth even when they vomit it back on you. It's what God does with us everyday.

*Some of my beautiful, very SELFLESS students from Student Teaching 

The Englishes Reappear on the Blogosphere Map

Hello there, folks. It's been a long time. We have needed some time to settle back into my old stomping ground and Isaiah's new town, Lexington, NC.

We've done just that. About 2 weeks to settle in, unpack, get rid of things and pack things up (After all, we moved from a lakehouse to a Dunn House to a single room at my mom's). After that, I (Calli) started a new job at North Davidson High School, the same place I graduated from exactly 7 years ago; it's actually phenomenal that almost nothing has changed there. Seriously. Nothing. I even feel like the same, awkward, fish-out-of-water every time I walk into work....the only difference is that now, I'm somehow this grown-up teacher who pretends to know what she's doing.

Sometimes, I don't even pretend.

Teaching English at North has been a tad difficult. It's definitely different than teaching at James Irwin in Colorado, working at the YMCA, or doing Drama at the Boardwalk Chapel. Nothing can actually prepare one for teaching public school, not even going to one growing up. The Holy Spirit is 100% necessary every day, and when I don't do devotions, I suck more than usual.

After a mere 2 weeks of teaching, we Englishes headed off to Florida for a Cleary family vacation. Isaiah and I went with my dad and closest brother, Mitch. (Luckily, there were only 3 days of school that week anyway, so my students only had to endure the "horror" of another sub for a few days.) Here are a few things we learned on vacation: (1) Playing putt-putt in monsoon rain actually provides an interesting and fun challenge. Who knew? (2) Vacations with the Cleary men do not actually provide rest or relaxation (getting up early for theme parks, riding roller coasters, and having intense intellectual and religious conversations with "the Mitchster" DO NOT facilitate chillness in the least) (3) Vacations with Mitch are rough (4) Vacations with Mitch are also fun...but still rough (5) My dad and Mitch approve of having Isaiah as a new addition merely because of his cooking and grill master skills as well as his awesome cleaning skills (6) Playing Scrabble, Monopoly, and Phase 10 as a family is amazing (7) Universal Studios is overrated, but the world of Harry Potter within it is Calli Approved. Also drinking Butter Beer with your husband is literally the coolest thing ever. (8) I am still deathly afraid of roller coasters and am happy to have a husband who doesn't push me (though I did ride what Mitch deems "baby roller coasters") (9) Isaiah is braver than me (10) Busch Gardens is amazing and full of variety (11) Getting the "Couple Suite" in the condo is awesome and feels very grown-up (Giant bed, Giant tub, Giant shower....pretty legit) (12) Todd Cleary (my dad) is a complicated and amazing man, who Isaiah and I learned a lot more about this vacation.

Since returning from Florida, I've worked one full week and two days (tomorrow is a day off!)! I realize this sounds crazy, but honestly...I've needed every single break I've gotten. Being the 4th teacher to regular Seniors who are done with life and are mostly male is very difficult. #Pray4Me!

With that said, Isaiah and I are fairly pumped about sleeping in, Christmas shopping, drinking hot cocoa, and watching more episodes of "Cadfael" in the 'morrow. In fact, I am elated. It's like a snow day, but better.

Side Note: Have I also mentioned that teaching single is way easier than teaching married? When your job is your life you're pretty excited to get there. When you're married, you mostly want to stay in bed with your awesome, hot husband and never go to a zoo filled with small children who don't love you as well as your awesome, hot husband. For the first time in my life, I feel like a normal 25-year-old working lady: I wake up, feel awful, drink tea, and go to work even though I don't want to. Feeling like a normal working woman sucks by the way. In case you were wondering.

Though we do miss the Boardwalk Chapel, I do get to talk to Teri Smith quite a bit and a lot of us keep up via Facebook. We're also thinking that a few Boardwalk troops might be joining us to ring in the New Year, which would be great!

Japan Pursuit is still going well. We had our scary Psych Eval test and our Psych Eval Interview and have a meeting with TEAM members next Thursday.

Rich Fork Baptist has been helping us with TEAM stuff quite a bit, and I am personally hoping that they partner with us once we head over to Japan (It's going to take quite a while). We're now going to Rich Fork on the regular and attend a Sunday School with my dad and lots of old people (they know the Word well, and they're super wise and cool).

Isaiah and I have also been having a Bible Study with our friend Michael on Sunday afternoons. It's been amazing, and keeping up with a co-worker from the YMCA makes me feel like my time there mattered. My mentor Hannah, though she is currently overseas with her husband taking care of missions board stuff, has been very helpful as well: giving me some Bible study basics on the book of James and helping me understand how the Bible is actually laid out as a work of literature.

I am happy to report that I am still reading the Bible, though I'd like to be further than I am and hope to get to the Prophets soon, so that I can learn more about the people my husband loves so very much. I want to share in that passion with him. One thing that I think will help even more is the Bible classes I'll probably take starting in January (I hope!) through Trinity Online. I'll need these classes for Japan to be considered highly qualified as a church planter. And hey, any excuse I can find to take more classes (I love school!) and learn about the God I still need to know so much about, is great!

We still see the English family regularly. We actually enjoyed Isaiah's sister, Geneva's, birthday party this past Saturday.

If you have any specific questions, let us know and we'll be sure to answer. We'll be trying our best to update more regularly, so you can really get a feel for how things are going here in Lexington and in our pursuit of Japan.

We love you all!

Praying for you as you pray for us.

The Englishes

I HAVE FAILED: PART 1

I come to the idea of confession today. Public Confession. The Nasty Kind. This blog will be presented in parts so that you may get the full effect, and so that I might ask God what needs to be confessed...because there is way too much to choose from.

The thing is I have a lot to say about what it happening in this Nation recently. But even more than that, I have a lot to say about God. How awesome He is. How loving He is. How full of Truth He is. I long to say these things--true things about God and America and where we are as a people.

But I have no right to say these things that I want to say in a human sense. Why? Because I've flopped. I've screwed up. I have failed. The only reason I have anything to say at all is because God has been teaching me, and because He's not finished. Thankfully.

In order to really speak to people, you have to be honest. And that's what I'm doing today. It is my hope that by reading about my failures, you will start to see the truths of God and perhaps will be convicted to confess your own failures and to start living a life full of more boldness. When you know that God is the only one that matters, you feel free to publicly admit your screw ups, run to Him for grace, and tell other people truth...Truth that you may be scared to talk about.

If we really believe the Gospel. And believe it BIG. If we understand with our hearts & minds that eternity is real. That this world is fleeting. That what matters is Christ. We will live with a sense of truth. The kind of truth that Jesus lived out--the kind that pissed the most religious people of the day off, the kind that drew in the screw-ups, the kind that was offensive.

I think people in this world of tolerance are afraid of being offensive. I think the people of this world today would stone the Prophets of the Old Testament; heck, they'd crucify Jesus no problem. In my heart of hearts away from the working of the Spirit, so would I.

I think the people of this world today need love. Seriously. Love needs to be BIG. But you know what else they need?

TRUTH. (otherwise, the love is false. fake. too small.)

Here's mine.

The truth of how I have FAILED. 

1. I TRIED TO PROTECT GOD.

For a long time, I really struggled with the ideas of hell and God's justice. When I read the Old Testament, I royally freaked out. The earth swallowed people up? God flooded the entire planet, killing everything but 2 of each animal and 8 people? Wow. I did not understand. I did not want to understand. This God was too great for me. So, I didn't try.

When I read the New Testament, I liked it. Jesus made the church mad but hung out with sinners & prostitutes & tax collectors. Yes! That's the kind of stuff I could tell my nonChristian friends. That's the kind of God they'd want to serve. Since I couldn't understand God's justice, I would just minimize that part of God and maximize His love. That'd be more approachable, right? My heart was good. I just wanted to present a God people would like, that people could understand. All I wanted was to box God up and wrap Him up into the perfect Christmas present. Nothing wrong with that, right?

So, even though, if asked, I would affirm the doctrines of hell and the truth about God having the ground swallow people up, I didn't advertise these. If people talked about hell, I'd turn the discussion back to sin and how God forgives, I'd say hell doesn't have to be the case, if you ask for Jesus for help. If people talked about not understanding God's wrath, I'd say yeah but God is justice and love together.

Though these aren't bad ways to steer a conversation, skipping over parts of God or watering down or trying to balance things right away isn't the answer. God presents Himself wholistically. He lets the fear of Him and His justice sink in before offering intense forgiveness and love; people need to understand their sin & its depth & punishment before they get how immense his grace & love are. After all, If you don't need a present, why open it?

God is extreme. He's full of love. And full of justice. And just because I don't understand how these work 100% at once, doesn't mean I should always be trying to sugar coat God into a swallowable pill for people or that I should always be discussing the flip side of Justice.

I'm not God's salesman. I'm his disciple. And disciples, a lot like prophets, upset people by speaking truth.

So why was I trying to steer conversations away from God's justice, wrath, hades & that pesky Romans passage about God's invisible attributes? Why did I like talking about the Woman at the Well, the curtain being torn in two, the message to the Gentiles, but not these other things?

Because I was trying to protect God (I didn't know I was doing this, but I was). I was attempting to make sure people didn't take Him the wrong way. I was afraid that if they saw, truly saw, this whole great Being that I, as a Christian, couldn't even understand, they'd get scared off or put Him in the same box as the homophobes and Southern extremists.

It was like God was my weird uncle who I liked to present, but only after I'd given him a nice shave and put a hipster hat on Him.

How arrogant I was to try and protect the God of the Universe!

The truth is: God can protect Himself. He cannot die. He can only exist and remain the way, the truth, and the life. No amount of people not liking the things He says can kill him or change what is true of Him or His Universe.

It's not my job to protect God. It's my job to speak the truth in love and to take people to the Bible when they take offense. It's not my job to protect God. I am to help bring people to Him: to the throne room of the true, non-cookie-cutter, offensive, all-loving, all-powerful, scary God. They may react like the Pharisees; they may find Him offensive and grotesque. They may run. And that's not my fault.

Or, they might react like Mary, realizing their sin, bowing at his powerful and gracious feet, anointing him with the oil of a repentant and contrite heart.

Last Blog Post at the Boardwalk Chapel

LAST WEEK: Our last few chapel programs were wonderful. The staff was finished with regular staff-led programs at the start of last week, only placing the occasional skit into a variety of music-based programs led by outside groups rather than by the chapel. We had a couple named René & Rommi Kinard (who we love SO MUCH! Here's their link) come down to help with music, and a lady named Esther who brought in various musicians throughout the week last week. These included  a lady named Wendy who spoke in the Spirit a lot and told her testimony with bold vulnerability, a men's breakfast group whose singers are recovering addicts, jailbirds, etc. and had no experience singing until the lovely Mrs. Virginia started directing them (they performed beautifully and which such vigor!), a phenomenal trumpet player, and yes, even an opera singer (He sang like I imagine Johnathan, Saul's son, singing in the Bible; *Tim Cummings is how I imagine David sounding by the way)! A church group also stayed throughout last week; their pastor, David, did the sermons for the week and later the church did a surprise musical program for Labor Day (we were supposed to end programs Saturday, but they did an extra for us on Monday of this week!). **Another important item to note about this past week is that Isaiah & I also got to finally ride the tramcar to the end of the Boardwalk. It was glorious. #NoSarcasm**

THIS WEEK: This week has been full of extra rest and fun! We all (Teri, Katrina, Caleb, Isaiah & I, Sarah, Nate (who popped in to surprise us!) the Zozarros, and Maria Cummings) watched "Monsters Vs. Aliens" at Jay-Z's house on Sunday as a goodbye to Teri since she left Monday. On Monday, Teri said goodbye, and the rest of us went to the extra Monday program put on by the visiting church group; we attended and were blessed greatly! After the program, we stayed at the Chapel. Katrina & I finished some Drama items, and Isaiah & Caleb (who we kidnapped for the day) put the finishing touches on the cross art piece (a season long project which is now beautiful and ready for use; I promise to post pictures soon!). It was nice to get in a work day. Afterwards, Caleb came to the Dunn House, and we had a youtube watching night with the Cummings kids. It included plenty of Studio C and Tim Hawkins.

On Tuesday, Isaiah & I had a date at the Sea Wall and then went to the Chapel to start the end-of-season chores (Those of you staffers who left early got out of this! LOL). We (Katrina, Sarah, Isaiah & I) worked on the Chapel. Isaiah & I were blessed with a break from cleaning and a subsequent Skype session with the beautiful Alexandra & Danny! It was so very wonderful to see and talk with them again! After our work, Katrina, Isaiah & I went to the Sea Wall for a night walk, and whilst Katrina talked to her friend on the phone about God Stories, I read Isaiah short stories by Ray Bradbury as we watched the stars and head the roar of the sea below. It was glorious! Katrina then treated us to Banana's Ice Cream before we tucked ourselves into bed.

This morning, Isaiah & I had our exit interview with Jay-Z (our director and leader for the summer) and returned to say goodbye to our Katrina (or Tiny Tee-Tee as her siblings call her). Isaiah & I met her family at the Secret Beach to say bye and then had some couple time before returning the Dunn House to await the Chris Byrd (who is visiting us today!). Chris, Isaiah, Sarah & I are going to record some music and plan our New York trip on Saturday while he's here. Tomorrow, we work on chores for the Dunn House (since the Chapel is now complete), Saturday & Sunday we visit Brooklyn, New York, and either Monday or Tuesday, Isaiah & I depart for North Carolina, saying goodbye to this beautiful chapter of Summer ministry.

I doubt that I will get to blog again before we return home to NC, but suffice it, for now, to say, that this is a wonderful end to a beautiful first chapter of couple ministry together. We are happy & sad to be saying goodbye to the Boardwalk Chapel here in Wildwood, NJ but are excited to head home to ministry in NC and continue working on applications and funds for Japan.

We love you all and will talk to you again soon!

All our Love,

The Englishes

Life @ the BWChapel

Hello there, lovelies!

Saturday marked our final "normal" Chapel program. It was super long because the Elwells had songs they wanted to sing and so did Sarah and Chris. Basically, we did all of the singing things that everyone wanted to do all summer but didn't get to in one, semi-cohesive program. We finished at 10:30pm.

In addition to a ton of music, Susie & Ben did some of their classic skits since Ben (as well as Chris) left today (Monday). The Ben & Susie duo also "passed the baton" in a pretty sweet way by teaching Joey and Desi (Junior staff members) the last Ben & Susie skit, "Parachute." Ben & Susie actually even came out at the end of the skit to welcome Joey & Desi to jump with them once they put their parachutes on. It was really sweet and very symbolic.

After the program, a group went to watch "Jaws" at Jay-Z's house while the scaredy-cats of the bunch (Teri, Isaiah, Caleb, and I) went back to the Dunn House to play games (namely, Scattegories) and drink hot chocolate with the Cummings kids and with Marin. It was a fun game, and Isaiah made some killer hot cocoa, but alas, after one game, I had to escape/hide from all the peoples. No matter how cute & small peoples are, sometimes you still have to run away. :)

So...Teri, Marin, Maria (the eldest Cummings kid/teen), and I ran away from the chaos and watched "Pride and Prejudice." We had an awesome time talking about the Q-Tip men (the servants wearing powdered wigs) and the awkward scene featuring Darcy's bust statue. Lesson we learned from the night: "Don't look at men's busts." Note: *If you don't understand, don't try. You'll end up feeling weird.*

Today, we had a Leader's Meeting to talk about the schedule for next year. Jay-Z brought bagels and smear & Elizabeth mad us a coffee cake. It was a delicious way to chat about things for next year. We said bye to Chris & Ben, and then Isaiah & I went to Mavis Diner and had lunch with Charlie & Elena (our house parents). It was awesome to spend some couple time together. And now, after talking with my mom and brother Mitch and keeping poor Isaiah awake, Teri, Isaiah & I are here at the Chapel, manning the Heaven & Hell machine for the afternoon.

This week, we do one skit tonight, one tomorrow, and two on Wednesday. Besides that, we basically let the singing group (I honestly don't remember who they are though I am sure they're lovely) and the singing couple (Renee & Romi) take over. Isaiah & I are hoping to get some good couple time in this week since things are even more chill, and I am, little by little, feeling healthy & normal. We will continue to do a bit of afternoon & night evangelism, but are also hoping to do more fun things with the free time we have (like finally going kayaking with Jay-Z's double-kayak, visiting Cape May again with the staff, and perhaps even figuring out a way to get in a vacation for Isaiah & I...we''re still figuring it out). I realize this sounds odd: needing a vacation after being at the beach all summer, but the truth is ministry as a couple is tiring, and after a whole summer of serving and living in community, we need actual alone time before heading home.

We are excited about the program tonight. I am especially looking forward to talking with Renee & Romi more, who we actually met last year when we (Isaiah & I) were only dating. We are also really pumped to have breakfast with our friend & church-buddy, Devin, tomorrow. He heads home pretty soon.

Be praying for our last days here, our conversations with Lena (and others), that we can be spending good time with the staff and other friends (like Devin and Akira), and that we get some needed Isaiah & Calli-jade time somehow at some place besides the Dunn House before we go home to my family.

Also be praying for transitions for those heading home to their regular lives, and for Isaiah & I when we return home: that God will give us stamina to complete TEAM Japan items and that God will provide us with ways of making money so that we can pay our phone & loan bills.

We love you all!

10 Things I've Learned from Marriage

1. Dependency is Awesome!

For a long time, I felt a lot of things were just "my job" and that Isaiah (my husband) shouldn't be bothered with them. For example, my parents are my parents, and if certain, incorrect ideas about marriage arose which came from them, Isaiah shouldn't have to deal with that. I should, I decided, pray through these things and get rid of them before they could bother Isaiah. Likewise, if something was "my problem," like believing I wasn't pretty that day or getting offended when I knew I shouldn't be, these things were mine to deal with; Isaiah shouldn't be effected by them. I felt I needed to protect him from the things I could, from the ugly parts of who I am that I can deal with alone. 

Want to know the problem with that? First off, it's God job to protect Isaiah; not mine. Also, he can take care of himself. There is some responsibility in his court to try not to receive hurt or damage from the things that damage and hurt me. Secondly, in marriage, there is no "my problems;" for that matter there is no "mine." (For those of you out there with separate bank accounts and secrets, I have no idea how you make it work.) The thing is: Biblical marriage truly is becoming "one flesh," getting into each other's messes and even making messes together. I can't and shouldn't hide hurt, pain, problems, etc. from Isaiah. It is incredibly delusional to think he could ever NOT be effected by these. It doesn't matter how much effort I put forth trying to keep him from having to deal with something, he will have to deal with it because he lives with me, because our hearts and heads and physical bodies are irrevocably connected--because we're married. We made vows at the front of a church. 

Those vows included dealing with each other's everything: the good, the bad, the ugly. 

I can no more hide my problems or issues from Isaiah than I can myself. Thirdly, it deprives my husband of something when I hide the parts of me, my past, or my issues from him. It deprives him of getting to help me, of being my husband and provider emotionally and spiritually. It deprives him of being my friend, my shoulder to cry on. It makes people feel wanted and loved when they're needed; God made it this way. I do need and want my husband's help; how silly to try not to want that and to make him feel that I don't need it. #Dumb. 

You know what else trying to deal with my own "shaz" alone deprives my husband of? Me. It deprives him of the woman he married. The Calli-jade as she is in the moment of need and struggle.

2. Living Life in the Grit is Better than Picture Perfect Time Together

In case you don't know anything about the Calli-Isaiah Saga pre-wedding, we didn't go on very many official "dates," but we knew when we committed to marriage that we'd have many dates to come. Since I was used to the secular "dating world," there have been plenty of times when Isaiah and I have started a date (whether it be to a Chinese Restaurant or to ice cream here on the Boardwalk of NJ) with me going in with a set of expectations I was unaware of having. For me, if we went on a date where we talked mostly about other people the whole time, where one of us didn't feel well or was tired, or where I said something that turned into a heated discussion, I felt the date was a failure, that our picture perfect time together had been broken. Often, I would cry. 

Isaiah explained to me that his favorite time together is just simply that: "time together." The truth is, two people cannot live life together without bad days and bad experiences. It's often even these things that bond us together. And, when you think about probability, every married couple has got to have a lot of good, bad, and "meh" dates and time together in the course of a lifetime. Isaiah has taught me that sometimes the best memories come from not awesome dates or times, like being sick together in bed and binge watching "Castle."

3. Reading God's Word is Essential 

This is a simple on, folks. When you're not focused on God, you focus on yourself or your partner. This becomes a problem in marriage because focusing on yourself leads to selfishness, over critique of the self, pride, and depression. Focusing on your partner rather than God leads to too many expectations and idolatry. 

When Isaiah and I aren't in God's word together every day, we argue a lot more. It's just a fact we've come to learn. When we start fighting about stupid stuff, it's not time to try harder in our horizontal relationship. Rather, it's time to hit our knees and focus on something bigger than ourselves. Reading God's Word helps us remember that we're not the center of the universe and neither is our partner; it also helps us remember who we are in Christ, which means we stop expecting encouragement from each other to define who we are. When God fulfills us, it takes the pressure off. I know I'm worthy. Isaiah knows he's worthy. We don't expect each other to show the other we're worthy, and we don't have to prove our worth either.

4. Critique is Not the Same as Judgement 

I have had insecurities about ignorance for a long time. When we first got married, not knowing something, to me, meant the same as being stupid. Though ignorance is in no way the same as idiocy, since in my brain they were the same, when Isaiah would tell me how to do something better or that something was wrong, I would figure he thought me dumb. I would either defend myself, tell him to just let me do it my way, or close up. I would feel judged or deemed dumb when all Isaiah was trying to do was help me do something more efficiently or better. And since he is much better at efficiency and at thinking logically, this happened a lot.

I have learned that (1) Ignorance is NOT shameful; it's just, as James Irwin used to say, "the place for new learning to go." That is the first truth which helped me start to take Isaiah's help as just that. The second thing that helps is knowing that critique doesn't mean bad judgment at all. Isaiah doesn't tell me how to do something better because he knows I'm incapable or am dumb. He tells me how to do something better for just the opposite reason: he knows I am capable of doing it better. If he thought I couldn't do it or was stupid, he wouldn't try to help me in the first place. He'd just do it for me. I've also learned that (3) My identity is not in what I "do." Isaiah doesn't love me for the fact that I heat butter in the pan before putting eggs in. He loves me because he loves me (just like God...not that my husband is God...that would be idolatry and also just not true). Since Isaiah's love for me is not based in the "product" of my labors, who cares if I'm not doing something as good as I could? I just learn how to do it better and then do so, rather than taking something as dumb as cooking eggs as as insult to my being. 

I have started taking critique as encouragement rather than judgement of identity. It's been a long time coming, but I finally get why and how people telling you you're wrong can actually be encouraging--when they believe you capable, love you as you are but still know you can "do" something better, and then tell you how to do it better--that's encouraging. 

5. It is not my Husband's Job to Remind me of Truth

Isaiah reminds me of truth a lot. He reminds me that I'm beautiful, worthy, of what I add to our relationship, or what I add to his family, of what about me he's still drawn to, of how God loves me even when I struggle--you name it. However, just because he tells me truth a lot, doesn't mean it's his job to do so. 

I read in an article a while ago that if "your man ain't making' you feel pretty, it's time to ditch him!" Though I understand the heart behind this article, this is simply a false statement. There are plenty of times when I FEEL ugly and gross when I'm knee deep in tissues and snot, and there is nothing Isaiah can do to make me FEEL prettier. You know what can help me feel prettier? God. Isaiah can tell me I'm beautiful until he's blue in the face, and until I believe it for myself, his compliments won't sink in. God is the only one who can change emotions with truth, for His truth goes from head to heart and heart to head. 

Instead of treating Isaiah like it's his job to make me feel beautiful or worthy or anything for that matter, I go to God, and His Word and Spirit remind me that I'm a daughter of the King Most High! I do the same thing married that I did as a single--(1) Go to God. (2) Ask for Help Believing God's Truth for Myself. 

Just because you get married, doesn't mean you stop asking God for help. 

Your husband cannot and should not be your ultimate source of truth. Your husband should serve as a picture of God in your life; a picture that points you to the real deal: Christ.

When I start treating Isaiah like the real deal, he gets pressure to produce just the right thing to say and I--I remain in the darkness of falsehood because there is only so much a mere human can do or say. God has the job of defining us for a reason. We should get our identity from nowhere else. And that is truth that doesn't change with marriage. 

Him putting a ring on it does not mean it's his job to define you. And that's not simply a feministic truth. It's a truth for everyone who thinks that by getting married you are given ultimate confidence and truth and validation. Your partner can't give you what God does because your partner IS NOT GOD. Asking him to be so is cruel and unfair. If you expect him to be your ultimate source of truth and validation, he will die trying and never reaching the mark or being able to please you. And you will die unsatisfied and bitter that he couldn't do "such a simple thing" as be God for you. Yeah, I said it. Deal. Or better yet, pray. 

6. Closure is Not Everything

I am a closure freak. As the daughter of a woman who had a "talking stick" for family discussions and watched just about every Gary Smalley seminar on communication out there, getting to a place of resolution is very important to me. This is a good thing, and it has honestly helped our marriage. Leaving tons of strings untied at the end of an argument is like leaving seeds of bitterness and unforgiveness in your partner's heart and saying "It' all good; just uproot them with no help." 

With that said, closure is not everything. I may have helped Isaiah learn to end things positively and with hope. But Isaiah has taught me that not everything can be tied up at the end of one discussion. Some things take years to be fully "talked out," and some never will be this side of glory. 

Just because you can't reach ultimate solution doesn't mean you don't love each other. 

It's okay to talk through particularly hard things in phases; to not solve everything at the end of the day. 

The trick is to give hope and love at the end of a talk; to make sure that, ultimately, you know you love each other--that no matter what, you are on each other's side. If this truth is believed and the strings that connect to it are tied tight, you can leave just about anything else that can't be processed for later. 

So closure, I've learned, is not the ultimate. The knowledge of your mutual love for God and your love for each other are the ultimate.  Want to know another great ultimate that serves as closure? The knowledge that the promise you made each other cannot be severed. In other words, the knowledge that if you can't "solve" everything now, you have a lifetime to do it, and there is no escape for either of you. Muhaha! No, but for real, this is actually comforting. Promise. 

7. The Solution to a Lack of Communication is Waiting not Asking

I married a quiet man. Yes, he can get loud and passionate in discussions about Theology and Philosophy and even how to correctly cook eggs (He's an English). But, in general, he's quiet and often not naturally communicative. He often goes off without telling me and doesn't answer me when I ask him a question. Is this hard? Yes. Does it help that my dad is the same way? Yes. Do I have more patience about it than I first did? Definitely. 

You see, at first, I thought that asking was most helpful, you know, taking the initiative that he didn't. I started saying things like: "Honey, did you hear me when I asked [such and such]?" or "What are you doing right now, and can I help?" or "Babe, could you please tell me where you're going when you just leave?" But here's the rub. This does not help. At least not often. At least not for us. 

All these kinds of questions do is (1) Make me irritated that I'm the one taking initiative when I feel like he should communicate. (2) Make Isaiah irritated that I'm asking him questions when all he's often doing is going to the bathroom, or going off to do something nice (like going to get the car) (3) Make Isaiah feel like he's not allowed to be tired or out-of-it (because he often gets quieter or more silent during these times especially). 

Here's what I now do instead, or at least what I try to do. I wait. 

Yes. It's that simple. Sort of. There are 3 basic steps that happen in my brain. (a) I Trust. (b) I Occupy Myself. (3) I Wait. 

I trust that Isaiah is either doing something sweet or necessary, or I assume that he must be tired. I have faith that my husband loves me and leaves me when he's doing something important or for our sake. I have faith that my husband wants to communicate with me and only doesn't do so because he's tired or doesn't see it as particularly important right then. 

After I decide to trust my husband's love for me, I do something while I wait. I talk to a stranger, check Facebook, read the Word (at least this is what I should do), etc. 

Once I have trusted that my husband is doing something important and for our good and occupy myself, waiting becomes easy. Of course I can wait when I have something to do in the now and when I believe my husband is doing something good for me or for both us later.

P.S. Sometimes that doing something good for us is even as simple as not responding due to exhaustion because he is aware of his exhaustion and the fact that responding when he's that tired is just not a good idea.

8. Sometimes I'm a Poop. It's Important to Admit It. 

I used to think I was fairly easy to deal and live with. I now feel so appreciative and sorry for my mother. Marriage helps you see your sin and selfishness for what it is. Honestly, it's a great sanctification tool. 

When you live alone, you become used to yourself and don't often externally blurt out offensive things to the mirror. When you live with a man who is different than you, you find yourself saying offensive and hurtful things that come straight out of your wicked heart on a fairly regular basis. The wicked heart, which you've always had but that was much easier to hide when you only made breakfast for yourself, rears it's ugly head. "What's so great about that," you ask, "Sounds awful!" Well, when you externalize your sin, you can more easily find its root and start chopping the heads off of that hydra which just vomited meanness onto your husband.

When things like this happen, when sin inevitably is brought to light, the most important thing to do is apologize. 

Just say you're sorry for sinning against the one you love. Admit that you are a poop and thank your husband for helping clean up your ****. 

9. There's a Difference Between "He Doesn't Love Me" and "He's Not Initiating" 

I have struggled a bit with expecting Isaiah to keep making the first move even within our marriage. What I mean is that sometimes I have found myself thinking, "Why didn't he hold my hand when I've been right here the whole time," "Is there a reason he's not walking next to me," "Does he even think I'm pretty. I just got undressed, and he made no expression." 

Here's the thing: These questions are DUMB. Natural perhaps, but dumb. 

Just like I can't be expected to constantly want to touch Isaiah, be with Isaiah, love on Isaiah, do everything with Isaiah, he can't be expected to ALWAYS, ALWAYS, and ALWAYS initiate affection, time, and love for me.

Just because he's not showing me he loves me all the time in the way that I want right then, doesn't mean he doesn't love me. It might mean that I'm a bratty poop. But it doesn't mean my husband doesn't love me. 

I can't always show him love the right way either. How ridiculous to expect him, just because he is the man, to always initiate love for me when I cannot do the same. 

If I want to hold his hand, instead of getting upset that he isn't holding my hand like I want him to, I can be sensible and offer it to him. 

If I want him to walk next to me, I can speed up and start walking alongside him rather than spend our beach time thinking: "Does he not love me anymore? He's not next to me." 

It's important, especially as women, to sometimes get out of our own heads and just do the thing we want our husband's to do. And also to stop expecting them to do something or be something that we ourselves, as human beings, can't do either.

10. It's Okay to Say "I Don't Know" 

I like reasons. I like closure. I like resolution. I like explanation. Always have. 

These things are great. Sometimes, however, these things can be an idol of control. 

I like knowing what the heart problems within an argument were. I like knowing why Isaiah said a certain thing or why I responded a certain way. I like knowing what we can do better in the future. 

But sometimes, the answers just aren't there. Isaiah said something he didn't mean because he just said something he didn't mean. I just responded the way I did because there was sin? or because I have a root issue that, at the moment, I can't find. We don't know how we can do better in the future because neither or us knows what went wrong or what we did that can be done any better. 

There's not always closure. There aren't always reasons or even good explanations. 

Sometimes you just have to let an argument or comment or hurtful experience die. 

You have to bury it with no funeral speech or cause of death. 

And leave it behind. 

Closure: LOL

I am an imperfect woman. I am still working on all of these things and partly wrote this as an encouragement to myself. Please know that I have not arrived and never will. Thank God I have a patient husband and a patient God. I hope that my humility and sin and honesty in some way can help those out there in the universe of the internet. Blessings! 

Love, 

A Wife and Mutual Struggler and Learner! :)

Reaching the End. #BitterSweet.

So...we are doing well here at the Chapel. After being sick for two days (Friday and Saturday), it was awesome to get back to work on Monday. The most amazing feat of the summer, by the way, happened Saturday night when we had one of the biggest crowds yet and a working staff that consisted of: Isaiah, Chris Byrd, Teri, Katrina, and Ben: 5 people doing sound, MCing, acting, singing, manning the back, you name it! Susie and Sarah were on vacation, the Zozzaros were on vacation, I was sick in bed, and everybody else had gone home. (Ginni visited earlier in the week but was gone, and Mikaela peaced out mid-week.) I was incredibly proud of my husband who, when he returned home to his sick wife, told her of how stressful it all was, mentioning that once he introduced a skit (he was MCing), ran a mic to someone (he was stage crewing), and got backstage to change for his part (he was also acting!) only to have the lights come on signaling the start of the skit right when he got backstage. Everyone's night went very similarly to this.

Anyway, getting back on Monday was great. Teri's family came to visit and got to see the skit that she wrote: "Tarmac". It was really cool to see Isaiah, Katrina, and Ben in a skit; a very different acting crew than before. We are planning on putting "Worldview Airport" up once more this week with Sarah stepping into Mikaela's part and also a new rendition of "Crossed Lines" now called "Metro." Sarah will get to play an over-the-top Broadway singer, perfectly fitting! And we are hoping to get another recording from our good friend Mark for the PA Announcements (his voice is already recorded for Worldview Airport; he will now forever live in infamy at the Boardwalk Chapel!). Besides that, we're doing skits that we already have like "Parachute," "What Do You Need," and the Junior Staff (the kids') skits. We wish to challenge but not kill ourselves these next weeks.

I did enjoy acting (something I hadn't done this summer thus far) in some skits with Teri once Susie left last week. I got to be a rich, gangster's wife in "The Bill" (Alexandra's old part) and a "Fig Tree". But I must say, though I love acting almost as much as I used to, I much prefer directing and writing now. I had forgotten how nerve-racking trying to do all things well on stage can be. I also am such a mom and teacher; I just enjoy watching my babies (who are actually in college) do their "thang!"

Ben & I finished clearing and cleaning out the prop room yesterday after practice, leaving only what we need out for the summer and organizing all the rest, storing it for next summer. It was a little dusty and depressing, thinking about how it's all almost over. I also worked on a Youth Group packet for next year and revised the Description of the Drama Coordinator position (which Ben & I have both fulfilled this summer). These will still need to be reviewed and revised, but I'm happy to be getting things done here. I am feeling accomplished, like things are coming to good closure. I am always pleased leaving things neat & tidy when I depart. Whether or not I'll come back to the position, I know that whoever steps in will have a better idea of what's up here at the Chapel for Drama Coordinators.

I do hope that I will be here next year. I've loved it and have learned so very much. I feel very much like I did at the end of my first year of teaching: like there are so many things I know now and could implement, like I am proud of what I've done but know the next year could and will be so much greater with God's help! I don't think Isaiah & I will be in Japan my then. Our new date to finish and attend training is Feb. rather than Oct. and after that we've got a lot of fund raising to do! I mean, God could and might work a miracle and get us over by then, but I doubt that we'll be in the "Land of the Rising Sun" by next summer. I am feeling more & more that we'll have one more summer here. It just seems fitting right now.

Back to the Present: The Elwells (a family that's been here for years; the dad has a spot on the board) are here for this week at the Boardwalk Chapel, and we are loving it. They're used to running the show alone (most summer, all staffers are gone by this point), so having a group that can give us rest and relaxation via their awesomeness is great! Isaiah and I are excited to perhaps visit Lena, our Muslim friend, tonight for the first time in a while. She told Teri she missed me, which feels my heart with a lot of joy!

Chris, Isaiah, & I are wanting to do a picnic at the Zoo on Thursday (day off) and are hoping that the staff comes. These next few weeks may be our only time to really bond and hang before it's all over. Wait! That's not true. We are eternity! Legit. But seriously....We still just all want & need more chill & hang time for our bodies as well as our souls, which will all soon be thrown into transition from Chapel to Real Life (so to speak).

I have loved and continue to love everything about being here. Thank God for this opportunity!

1 Week of Regular Programs (this week). 1 Week of Almost Regular Programs with More Help. Labor Day Weekend with the Slacks here. 1 Week of Rest and Activities and Packing before heading home to N.C. Pray for us! Love you all.

Affectionately,

-The Englishes!

P.S. Other Updates: The Cummings are now living in the Dunn House, which means little kids! Yay! But seriously, I am loving it. And where is that Alexandra when you know she should be here? ;)

P.P.S Pray I get my singing voice & hearing back, so Isaiah & I can sing a couple song before we depart this FairyLand of Awesomeness!