1. Dependency is Awesome!
For a long time, I felt a lot of things were just "my job" and that Isaiah (my husband) shouldn't be bothered with them. For example, my parents are my parents, and if certain, incorrect ideas about marriage arose which came from them, Isaiah shouldn't have to deal with that. I should, I decided, pray through these things and get rid of them before they could bother Isaiah. Likewise, if something was "my problem," like believing I wasn't pretty that day or getting offended when I knew I shouldn't be, these things were mine to deal with; Isaiah shouldn't be effected by them. I felt I needed to protect him from the things I could, from the ugly parts of who I am that I can deal with alone.
Want to know the problem with that? First off, it's God job to protect Isaiah; not mine. Also, he can take care of himself. There is some responsibility in his court to try not to receive hurt or damage from the things that damage and hurt me. Secondly, in marriage, there is no "my problems;" for that matter there is no "mine." (For those of you out there with separate bank accounts and secrets, I have no idea how you make it work.) The thing is: Biblical marriage truly is becoming "one flesh," getting into each other's messes and even making messes together. I can't and shouldn't hide hurt, pain, problems, etc. from Isaiah. It is incredibly delusional to think he could ever NOT be effected by these. It doesn't matter how much effort I put forth trying to keep him from having to deal with something, he will have to deal with it because he lives with me, because our hearts and heads and physical bodies are irrevocably connected--because we're married. We made vows at the front of a church.
Those vows included dealing with each other's everything: the good, the bad, the ugly.
I can no more hide my problems or issues from Isaiah than I can myself. Thirdly, it deprives my husband of something when I hide the parts of me, my past, or my issues from him. It deprives him of getting to help me, of being my husband and provider emotionally and spiritually. It deprives him of being my friend, my shoulder to cry on. It makes people feel wanted and loved when they're needed; God made it this way. I do need and want my husband's help; how silly to try not to want that and to make him feel that I don't need it. #Dumb.
You know what else trying to deal with my own "shaz" alone deprives my husband of? Me. It deprives him of the woman he married. The Calli-jade as she is in the moment of need and struggle.
2. Living Life in the Grit is Better than Picture Perfect Time Together
In case you don't know anything about the Calli-Isaiah Saga pre-wedding, we didn't go on very many official "dates," but we knew when we committed to marriage that we'd have many dates to come. Since I was used to the secular "dating world," there have been plenty of times when Isaiah and I have started a date (whether it be to a Chinese Restaurant or to ice cream here on the Boardwalk of NJ) with me going in with a set of expectations I was unaware of having. For me, if we went on a date where we talked mostly about other people the whole time, where one of us didn't feel well or was tired, or where I said something that turned into a heated discussion, I felt the date was a failure, that our picture perfect time together had been broken. Often, I would cry.
Isaiah explained to me that his favorite time together is just simply that: "time together." The truth is, two people cannot live life together without bad days and bad experiences. It's often even these things that bond us together. And, when you think about probability, every married couple has got to have a lot of good, bad, and "meh" dates and time together in the course of a lifetime. Isaiah has taught me that sometimes the best memories come from not awesome dates or times, like being sick together in bed and binge watching "Castle."
3. Reading God's Word is Essential
This is a simple on, folks. When you're not focused on God, you focus on yourself or your partner. This becomes a problem in marriage because focusing on yourself leads to selfishness, over critique of the self, pride, and depression. Focusing on your partner rather than God leads to too many expectations and idolatry.
When Isaiah and I aren't in God's word together every day, we argue a lot more. It's just a fact we've come to learn. When we start fighting about stupid stuff, it's not time to try harder in our horizontal relationship. Rather, it's time to hit our knees and focus on something bigger than ourselves. Reading God's Word helps us remember that we're not the center of the universe and neither is our partner; it also helps us remember who we are in Christ, which means we stop expecting encouragement from each other to define who we are. When God fulfills us, it takes the pressure off. I know I'm worthy. Isaiah knows he's worthy. We don't expect each other to show the other we're worthy, and we don't have to prove our worth either.
4. Critique is Not the Same as Judgement
I have had insecurities about ignorance for a long time. When we first got married, not knowing something, to me, meant the same as being stupid. Though ignorance is in no way the same as idiocy, since in my brain they were the same, when Isaiah would tell me how to do something better or that something was wrong, I would figure he thought me dumb. I would either defend myself, tell him to just let me do it my way, or close up. I would feel judged or deemed dumb when all Isaiah was trying to do was help me do something more efficiently or better. And since he is much better at efficiency and at thinking logically, this happened a lot.
I have learned that (1) Ignorance is NOT shameful; it's just, as James Irwin used to say, "the place for new learning to go." That is the first truth which helped me start to take Isaiah's help as just that. The second thing that helps is knowing that critique doesn't mean bad judgment at all. Isaiah doesn't tell me how to do something better because he knows I'm incapable or am dumb. He tells me how to do something better for just the opposite reason: he knows I am capable of doing it better. If he thought I couldn't do it or was stupid, he wouldn't try to help me in the first place. He'd just do it for me. I've also learned that (3) My identity is not in what I "do." Isaiah doesn't love me for the fact that I heat butter in the pan before putting eggs in. He loves me because he loves me (just like God...not that my husband is God...that would be idolatry and also just not true). Since Isaiah's love for me is not based in the "product" of my labors, who cares if I'm not doing something as good as I could? I just learn how to do it better and then do so, rather than taking something as dumb as cooking eggs as as insult to my being.
I have started taking critique as encouragement rather than judgement of identity. It's been a long time coming, but I finally get why and how people telling you you're wrong can actually be encouraging--when they believe you capable, love you as you are but still know you can "do" something better, and then tell you how to do it better--that's encouraging.
5. It is not my Husband's Job to Remind me of Truth
Isaiah reminds me of truth a lot. He reminds me that I'm beautiful, worthy, of what I add to our relationship, or what I add to his family, of what about me he's still drawn to, of how God loves me even when I struggle--you name it. However, just because he tells me truth a lot, doesn't mean it's his job to do so.
I read in an article a while ago that if "your man ain't making' you feel pretty, it's time to ditch him!" Though I understand the heart behind this article, this is simply a false statement. There are plenty of times when I FEEL ugly and gross when I'm knee deep in tissues and snot, and there is nothing Isaiah can do to make me FEEL prettier. You know what can help me feel prettier? God. Isaiah can tell me I'm beautiful until he's blue in the face, and until I believe it for myself, his compliments won't sink in. God is the only one who can change emotions with truth, for His truth goes from head to heart and heart to head.
Instead of treating Isaiah like it's his job to make me feel beautiful or worthy or anything for that matter, I go to God, and His Word and Spirit remind me that I'm a daughter of the King Most High! I do the same thing married that I did as a single--(1) Go to God. (2) Ask for Help Believing God's Truth for Myself.
Just because you get married, doesn't mean you stop asking God for help.
Your husband cannot and should not be your ultimate source of truth. Your husband should serve as a picture of God in your life; a picture that points you to the real deal: Christ.
When I start treating Isaiah like the real deal, he gets pressure to produce just the right thing to say and I--I remain in the darkness of falsehood because there is only so much a mere human can do or say. God has the job of defining us for a reason. We should get our identity from nowhere else. And that is truth that doesn't change with marriage.
Him putting a ring on it does not mean it's his job to define you. And that's not simply a feministic truth. It's a truth for everyone who thinks that by getting married you are given ultimate confidence and truth and validation. Your partner can't give you what God does because your partner IS NOT GOD. Asking him to be so is cruel and unfair. If you expect him to be your ultimate source of truth and validation, he will die trying and never reaching the mark or being able to please you. And you will die unsatisfied and bitter that he couldn't do "such a simple thing" as be God for you. Yeah, I said it. Deal. Or better yet, pray.
6. Closure is Not Everything
I am a closure freak. As the daughter of a woman who had a "talking stick" for family discussions and watched just about every Gary Smalley seminar on communication out there, getting to a place of resolution is very important to me. This is a good thing, and it has honestly helped our marriage. Leaving tons of strings untied at the end of an argument is like leaving seeds of bitterness and unforgiveness in your partner's heart and saying "It' all good; just uproot them with no help."
With that said, closure is not everything. I may have helped Isaiah learn to end things positively and with hope. But Isaiah has taught me that not everything can be tied up at the end of one discussion. Some things take years to be fully "talked out," and some never will be this side of glory.
Just because you can't reach ultimate solution doesn't mean you don't love each other.
It's okay to talk through particularly hard things in phases; to not solve everything at the end of the day.
The trick is to give hope and love at the end of a talk; to make sure that, ultimately, you know you love each other--that no matter what, you are on each other's side. If this truth is believed and the strings that connect to it are tied tight, you can leave just about anything else that can't be processed for later.
So closure, I've learned, is not the ultimate. The knowledge of your mutual love for God and your love for each other are the ultimate. Want to know another great ultimate that serves as closure? The knowledge that the promise you made each other cannot be severed. In other words, the knowledge that if you can't "solve" everything now, you have a lifetime to do it, and there is no escape for either of you. Muhaha! No, but for real, this is actually comforting. Promise.
7. The Solution to a Lack of Communication is Waiting not Asking
I married a quiet man. Yes, he can get loud and passionate in discussions about Theology and Philosophy and even how to correctly cook eggs (He's an English). But, in general, he's quiet and often not naturally communicative. He often goes off without telling me and doesn't answer me when I ask him a question. Is this hard? Yes. Does it help that my dad is the same way? Yes. Do I have more patience about it than I first did? Definitely.
You see, at first, I thought that asking was most helpful, you know, taking the initiative that he didn't. I started saying things like: "Honey, did you hear me when I asked [such and such]?" or "What are you doing right now, and can I help?" or "Babe, could you please tell me where you're going when you just leave?" But here's the rub. This does not help. At least not often. At least not for us.
All these kinds of questions do is (1) Make me irritated that I'm the one taking initiative when I feel like he should communicate. (2) Make Isaiah irritated that I'm asking him questions when all he's often doing is going to the bathroom, or going off to do something nice (like going to get the car) (3) Make Isaiah feel like he's not allowed to be tired or out-of-it (because he often gets quieter or more silent during these times especially).
Here's what I now do instead, or at least what I try to do. I wait.
Yes. It's that simple. Sort of. There are 3 basic steps that happen in my brain. (a) I Trust. (b) I Occupy Myself. (3) I Wait.
I trust that Isaiah is either doing something sweet or necessary, or I assume that he must be tired. I have faith that my husband loves me and leaves me when he's doing something important or for our sake. I have faith that my husband wants to communicate with me and only doesn't do so because he's tired or doesn't see it as particularly important right then.
After I decide to trust my husband's love for me, I do something while I wait. I talk to a stranger, check Facebook, read the Word (at least this is what I should do), etc.
Once I have trusted that my husband is doing something important and for our good and occupy myself, waiting becomes easy. Of course I can wait when I have something to do in the now and when I believe my husband is doing something good for me or for both us later.
P.S. Sometimes that doing something good for us is even as simple as not responding due to exhaustion because he is aware of his exhaustion and the fact that responding when he's that tired is just not a good idea.
8. Sometimes I'm a Poop. It's Important to Admit It.
I used to think I was fairly easy to deal and live with. I now feel so appreciative and sorry for my mother. Marriage helps you see your sin and selfishness for what it is. Honestly, it's a great sanctification tool.
When you live alone, you become used to yourself and don't often externally blurt out offensive things to the mirror. When you live with a man who is different than you, you find yourself saying offensive and hurtful things that come straight out of your wicked heart on a fairly regular basis. The wicked heart, which you've always had but that was much easier to hide when you only made breakfast for yourself, rears it's ugly head. "What's so great about that," you ask, "Sounds awful!" Well, when you externalize your sin, you can more easily find its root and start chopping the heads off of that hydra which just vomited meanness onto your husband.
When things like this happen, when sin inevitably is brought to light, the most important thing to do is apologize.
Just say you're sorry for sinning against the one you love. Admit that you are a poop and thank your husband for helping clean up your ****.
9. There's a Difference Between "He Doesn't Love Me" and "He's Not Initiating"
I have struggled a bit with expecting Isaiah to keep making the first move even within our marriage. What I mean is that sometimes I have found myself thinking, "Why didn't he hold my hand when I've been right here the whole time," "Is there a reason he's not walking next to me," "Does he even think I'm pretty. I just got undressed, and he made no expression."
Here's the thing: These questions are DUMB. Natural perhaps, but dumb.
Just like I can't be expected to constantly want to touch Isaiah, be with Isaiah, love on Isaiah, do everything with Isaiah, he can't be expected to ALWAYS, ALWAYS, and ALWAYS initiate affection, time, and love for me.
Just because he's not showing me he loves me all the time in the way that I want right then, doesn't mean he doesn't love me. It might mean that I'm a bratty poop. But it doesn't mean my husband doesn't love me.
I can't always show him love the right way either. How ridiculous to expect him, just because he is the man, to always initiate love for me when I cannot do the same.
If I want to hold his hand, instead of getting upset that he isn't holding my hand like I want him to, I can be sensible and offer it to him.
If I want him to walk next to me, I can speed up and start walking alongside him rather than spend our beach time thinking: "Does he not love me anymore? He's not next to me."
It's important, especially as women, to sometimes get out of our own heads and just do the thing we want our husband's to do. And also to stop expecting them to do something or be something that we ourselves, as human beings, can't do either.
10. It's Okay to Say "I Don't Know"
I like reasons. I like closure. I like resolution. I like explanation. Always have.
These things are great. Sometimes, however, these things can be an idol of control.
I like knowing what the heart problems within an argument were. I like knowing why Isaiah said a certain thing or why I responded a certain way. I like knowing what we can do better in the future.
But sometimes, the answers just aren't there. Isaiah said something he didn't mean because he just said something he didn't mean. I just responded the way I did because there was sin? or because I have a root issue that, at the moment, I can't find. We don't know how we can do better in the future because neither or us knows what went wrong or what we did that can be done any better.
There's not always closure. There aren't always reasons or even good explanations.
Sometimes you just have to let an argument or comment or hurtful experience die.
You have to bury it with no funeral speech or cause of death.
And leave it behind.
Closure: LOL
I am an imperfect woman. I am still working on all of these things and partly wrote this as an encouragement to myself. Please know that I have not arrived and never will. Thank God I have a patient husband and a patient God. I hope that my humility and sin and honesty in some way can help those out there in the universe of the internet. Blessings!
Love,
A Wife and Mutual Struggler and Learner! :)
No comments:
Post a Comment