A New Season for the Englishes

Many of you may not know that I have given my notice to the principal at North Davidson.

Today is my last day at North before Christmas Break. I will return January 4^th and finish out the semester, my last official day being January 15^th. I am not going to pretend that everyone (mostly my side of the family) is okay with this decision; however, Isaiah and I have put a lot of thought into it.

The main reason I am stopping after this semester is so I can take the Bible classes that I need for Japan. I realize I could complete these while teaching but the cost to my stress level, health, and marriage is simply not worth it to me. Life is about far more than income. Life is about, first of all, getting to know the God who made me, actually having time for Him. When we got back from the Boardwalk, I started reading the Bible voraciously and enjoyed every minute of it! I couldn’t wait to delve into His Word and Truth more.

Teaching, though it has been helping us pay off our loans, has taken away a lot of my time which has cost me my deepest wish: to get to know my God more. It’s been like another first year of teaching honestly; I’ve had to invest so much time in the regular “stuff:” lesson planning, grading, taking attendance. But I’ve had to do lots of new things too: learning how to teach regular and remedial students rather than Honors, dealing with tons of behaviors and discipline, writing referrals, taking writing samples from special needs students, learning how the timeline and testing work at a public school.

I simply haven’t had time to spend with the God I long for (I know I can "make" time, but that is easier said than done). I feel very similarly in my relationship with God  as to Isaiah—that I barely have enough time to spend, constantly long for more, and  have this deep emptiness as a result; which makes sense because God is my maker, my father, my companion forever; I miss Him even more than my husband, which is saying something because I miss Isaiah constantly, especially when I’m at school surrounded by students that I often wish to be protected from. (My students are sometimes sweeties but also come with a certain spice that often makes me a little scared slash stressed out.)

There are parts of this job which I have enjoyed and will continue to enjoy until its close. There are students I have loved from the start and those which I have learned to love. There are faculty members who have welcomed me and helped me. There are small gestures which North Davidson has done which have brought me happiness in the midst of hardship (Decemberfest, which happened today, actually reminded me of why I do love it here some days. It took a lot of fun, dedicated, and patient teachers to pull that together). I will say though, that, despite all of these things, after working at James Irwin,  these things at North have seemed a mere shadow of meaning.

There were many challenges at James Irwin (my first teaching job), but there were co-workers with whom I had deep connection, partly because we shared the bond of Christ. And the students went through so much and put me through so much, but they felt like my own children. These kids don’t feel like mine as much. I pray to love them and care for them daily, but I do not as naturally “feel” what I did before. Perhaps it is because I no longer worship my job or no longer find my soul meaning in this work. Perhaps it is because a shift happened when I married. Perhaps it is because a lot of these kids are more entitled than needy. I am unsure of all the reasons. But I do know that my grief will not be what it was when I left my first teaching job.

I am excited to get to take Bible classes as well as to simply spend more time in the Bible in general. I know that these things will reward me so much, for my Father God is in those words. I believe my having to wait for these things this semester will make them all the more wonderful when I get to do them!

Again, the main reason I am leaving is to pursue God and Japan, to take the classes I need in order to go and to get more Truth pumping into my veins. I thirst for it. This action is for personal gain ( me personally getting to hang out with God!), but also for Japan.

It seems silly when people tell us that they think this is "getting us off track," the reason being: Japan is the goal that we feel God has set before us. I need to take these classes. Since we get training for Japan in May, I need to take the courses next semester. I feel that most people simply see Isaiah and I at face value through a secular worldview. The face value definition of us: Two newly marrieds living with the wife's mom, the wife now stopping her job, the couple probably getting a little less money. The secular interpretation: "This couple is drifting. They need their own home, a dual income, and to get their 'stuff' together". However, this couple (the "us" of the equation) isn't just pointlessly drifting. We are doing what God has told us to--preparing for Japan. We are far from drifting no matter how it may seem to others or feel even to me sometimes. We have been paying off loans, and I am about to invest deeply into the Word, an incredibly important thing for a missionary to do! 

 But, back to the issue at hand; the quitting my job: I would be lying if I said personal time with God and preparation for Japan were the only reasons. Key Word: only, for time with God and classes are the main reasons. Here are the secondary reasons....just so I can give full disclosure. 

This semester has been very difficult. My back and neck are in constant pain due to stress, expectation, spite from students, and lack of time. There have also been mornings which remind me of previous trauma. When it’s very early in the morning, dark on the way to school, and I feel the same fear I once felt living in the boarding house with the “creeper” before Susan and Cope rescued me, I almost feel the vomit rising in my throat before I step out of the car and have to leave Isaiah, the one person I feel safe around. This doesn’t happen every morning, but when it does, it makes it harder to be excited for my kids, especially the ones who verbally say they hate me. And most of the fear, by they way, comes from the fact that I am hated throughout most of the day and feel very alone. 

Though 1st period and 3rd period (at least for the most part) have been fine, 2nd period has been very difficult. Honestly, I spend most days feeling utterly despised and only having that continuously confirmed. I believe I am disliked for many reasons; however, most of them are invalid. I am holding kids to high standards, I have a logical sense of justice not based on student feelings, I do not yell (which is what they are used to and honestly respond to more), I replaced a teacher they liked, I don't teach in a way they're used to, and I am big about respect. But sometimes hatred or strong dislike comes from people being told truth and reacting against it (this happened at the Boardwalk this summer when folks were confronted with the gospel). This is the thought that has often brought me comfort these last few months...this and the fact that honestly, every day it gets better. Small victories for the win! But, for a perfectionist who felt like she "had it together" before, small victories are often hard to enjoy. I've always been extreme. I like "whole hog" victories, obliterating the problems rather than patiently allowing things to sink in and change hearts. My husband is much better at this than I, the waiting, the allowing things to ruminate, the being "chill" as they say. I'm learning.

Anyway, now that I have spilled my guts to you, dear readers, here's some closing thoughts about this change (Yes, I realize this sounds like a high school paper. Blame it on the fact that most of this was written at school during a class movie--"Frankenstein!")

Closing Thoughts: I am still unsure of why God had Isaiah and I had to go through this season. Maybe to help me let go of control and develop even more patience. Maybe to help me be a bit disillusioned with teaching. Maybe to reconfirm the letting go of the idol of teaching. Maybe to help remind me of what fear feels like and how crippling it can be (fear is not something I naturally understand well). Maybe to help me be content with staying home. Maybe for a thousand reasons that I won't know until we're in Japan or maybe even on the other side of Glory! Like I said in my last post, it's enough to simply trust Him....though this is difficult for a human like me (we're all control freaks). 

I am also really excited about this upcoming season (it's not here yet!). I am pretty pumped to be in the Word and back in school! Man I miss school (learning that is!). Academia is the best, especially when it has to do with Christ! I am also pretty happy to have time to blog again, to update people on where we are missions-wise, to perhaps keep in touch more with friends (being married AND working full time really keep you from this!), and to simply be more calm. I am also planning on learning some of the more "wifely" items which my husband already knows: like how to cook and sew. I know, never thought I'd be the slightest bit excited about those things....but I am. Guess it took a man feeling confident about them to get me to be okay (as a woman) with doing them. #Residual Feminist Problems. I'm honestly excited to maybe enjoy some of the simple things in life like my friend Bonnie McCoy. Looking forward to tea drinking and planting and crafts and packing my husband's lunch. 

I think maybe I needed to know that Isaiah was willing and able to be the supporter. I was so worried a man would never be that or be willing to be that. And now that he has been that, I want to do it for him all the more. Now, I get to be the support while he works....we're thinking bread job. I'm excited for us to switch roles again. It's like we're participating in the ultimate marriage challenge: switching roles half way through the year after moving three times already. I love it! ...Well usually.

Looking forward to talking to you more,

Mrs. English