It's the husband this time. I don't get on here as much as the wife, but that's because she usually has more to say and can say it in better ways than I can. However, every once in a while I pop on when God has been teaching me something and I want to share it.
As Calli has said our lives have been quite busy lately with me getting a new job (started end of November) in which I am actually making more money than my wife—unusual since she has been working as a teacher in the past and I as a landscaper. However, the landscaping has been put aside for the time being in favor of a more lucrative and equally if not more satisfying means of winning bread—delivering it!
However, this job has come with its challenges. My schedule is radically different than with landscaping because I now get up between 2 and 4 am Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday (with Wednesday & Sunday being my days off). Getting enough sleep is still a challenge and I still haven't figured out completely how to fit enough of it in throughout the week. However, sleep is not the only important thing which has suffered the past two or three weeks, Bible reading/private worship have also. I've still gone to church, discussed things in Sunday School, sung and prayed in worship, read good books, but having/setting aside focused time for God has not happened either because I'm too tired or too busy.
I have known this is not good, but it wasn't until this week that God got my attention about it in a new way. Last week and the week before a specific conversation opened up which had written all over it "opportunity for sharing the gospel" (in some way or another), but each time I found myself bone dry in terms of spiritual power. I found that instead of having words ready to flow in response to the open door I saw before me I had nothing to say. It was like a dream in which my evangelistic feet were rooted to the ground and I watched in horror, but was unable to move them at all.
It may be that in past times my spiritual senses were not open to seeing opportunities the way I can see them now that I have spent many hours sharing the gospel with people from all over the world. What ever the reason I have never felt such dread at the lack of spiritual power that I knew I ought to have.
I didn't recognize it in the moment, but later as I thought about what I had experienced these two times in the past two weeks it became painfully clear what was wrong. I was not filled with the Spirit. God seemed to be saying to me in bright flashing neon letters, "If you aren't filled with the Spirit you can't evangelize," over and over again. I had never before seen the negative impact of my neglecting personal worship of God as literally crippling me evangelistically. I could have said some words in those situations that came up, and I did say a couple things, but I could feel that the power I normally spoke with during such opportunities was completely gone. My words felt hollow and empty to me and I could see that even as I tried to say things they were missing the heart of the issue.
Paul tells us in Ephesians that we must be filled with the Spirit. Lest I be misunderstood let me briefly explain that the Bible uses 3 main words in relation to the Holy Spirit and believers: gift of the Spirit, baptism of the Spirit, and filling/filled with the Holy Spirit. The gift of the Holy Spirit is what Peter tells the Jews in Acts 2 will receive if they repent, believe, and are baptized. I take this to mean that this is the biblical way of speaking of new birth, so all true believers have the gift of the Holy Spirit (He is present inside them permanently in some way or another). The baptism of the Spirit is what Jesus says will happen to His disciples and so He tells them to wait in Jerusalem for it and Scripture does not uses this language to describe a repeated experience of these men. Instead, the language Scripture uses to describe what repeatedly happens to the Apostles and other believers is filled with the Holy Spirit. The Apostles pray for boldness to speak the word in the face of the Jewish leaders' opposition and the room is shaken "and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit." Stephen and Barnabas are described as men characterized by being filled with the Holy Spirit and they perform great acts of boldness and generosity. We see all throughout the book of Acts the Holy Spirit filling people to empower them to speak the good news.
Finally we get to Paul's letter to the Ephesians and we find a description (almost) of how to be filled by the Holy Spirit "but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms, hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with all your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another our of reverence for Christ."
I take this to mean that intentionally enjoying and learning about God—worship—(reading the Bible, singing, praying, listening to others teach about and praise Him) is the way that we invite Holy Spirit to fill us. That is both my experience and what I believe I find taught in Scripture. So that is what I mean by saying that I have neglected the filling of the Spirit these past few weeks. When I am not spending regular intentional time to focused-ly enjoy His presence through prayer, reading, writing and singing He is disinclined to give me His power to do His work.
Since Paul says "be filled" I believe that the Bible commands us to be in this state. So what was so convicting this morning as God showed me what was going on in those opportunities I missed was that it was my fault that I was not filled with the Spirit. No, I am not in control of Holy Spirit and I cannot make Him give me His power. But yes, I am responsible for not inviting Him. His response of withdrawal from me is not something I forced Him to do, but my lack of power to obey Him in sharing the gospel when I had the chance was because I was also disobedient in pursuing intimacy with Him. Just as I pursued joy in my wife and sought to spend time with her, so I must pursue God.
This lesson is a sad one to learn the hard way since my disobedience costs others. The only thing I can say is that I am glad to be learning this sooner rather than later and that I hope I will never forget it as I seek to share the good news with the people of Japan as well.
All this to say, praise to the name of the Lord who showed me my sin. If He had not shown me that my lack of power was due to my distance from the source of Life and Power I might have continued longer and missed even more opportunities. Just look at what our disobedience costs others. Because I was not spending intentional time to enjoy God and be filled with the Spirit I was unable to share the good news like I should have to those who needed it. I only pray that God may give me another opportunity to tell of His glory, and that if He does I will be filled and ready to be used to share the good news.
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