I am ashamed of what I once spent my time doing. Vanity is a great deceiver in our society, and I am no exception. Vanity is more than simply thinking you’re hot stuff and spending hours in front of the mirror. It comes into one’s life in subtle ways. There are so many things that I don’t care about anymore which I used to invest in a great deal. And what a waste those things were! I could have been pursuing my Savior. I could have been reading the Word. I could have been soaking in the presence of pure Glory, and I traded that for garbage heaps.
The time I spent in high school reading Teen Vogue, making fashion statements (though not popular ones; I’ve always been odd), hanging up or even getting rid of the enormous amount of clothes that consumed my walk-in closet, is saddening. It’s not that I exuded the typical behavior of one said to be vain. It’s that the vanity consumed my time without my ever noticing it, without anyone in the church batting an eye, because the version that consumed me was typical, even a-typical (better than most). “Oh, Calli is so down to earth and kind. She has her own style and doesn’t care what others think. ” Ah, but even caring what I think a great deal (or even at all) is not the goal; it should always be about what the Savior thinks—His thoughts are to become mine own. What does it matter what I perceive as fashionable when there is a book that tells me what God states to be not only fashionable but commanded!?
And then there’s my time in Colorado. (I do not include college in the list, for I still consider it a sweet time with my Savior which I have no wish to trounce upon with critique). Sure, I continued my conversations with folks about God and ministered to tons of humans (just like I had in high school), but my time with the One that matters most was a paltry thing indeed. Once again, Vanity crept in and began to eat away at me in socially acceptable ways. But vanity upped the ante this time around. I was no longer making fashion statements from Goodwill racks and clothing closets; I was making money, money that Vanity would have me spend in ways I am now ashamed of. Money that could have been spent on Kingdom causes.
I started to get my hair done on a regular basis, and caring about looking interesting and captivating. I wanted my outer form to match my insides. I purchased more makeup, which I only occasionally wore, and slowly stopped tithing. I watched “What Not to Wear” and purchased items that made me look “my” best. I learned how to tell from a rack how something would look on my form (which means I took the time to study the science of my body and clothes in general—that’s a lot of time if you have never practiced this “art”). I spent longer amounts of time getting ready for dates and church, and no time preparing my heart to meet potential suitors or for worship. I dared step into the presence of God on Sundays thinking more about my waistline than my devotional time.
There was never a time I have felt more confident about myself (in human, physical terms) than that period of time. I was in the place everyone had said I should be one day. I felt confident in my own skin; I knew what I was worth; I walked with determination and taught with hutzpah. Those I admired most in the church had told me that one day I would be here, in this place of confidence, and I was. I had arrived. And that….was the whole problem.
My physical, outer beauty (no matter how beautiful a Daughter of Eve might be) does not matter a damn in the Kingdom’s cause of evangelism and holiness; and it is usually a distraction from the One who matters most. What does matter is “that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.” Sure, I still had some (perhaps a good bit) of this, but I would have lost it were it not for God kindly beckoning me back into time with Him at the expense of my looks (at least, culture-wise). Vanity had slowly lured me into her grasp, and God had slowly beckoned me back, so that during the end of my time in Colorado I became more like when I had arrived: careful to spend time with the Most Valuable Treasure (Christ!) in the morning and not as careful to ready myself for the day in the lesser, more physical senses.
So why this time of confession that you perhaps think not necessary at all? After all, isn’t it good to know that God made you beautiful and to pursue beauty? Did not God make, esp. women, to look and feel beautiful—to put beauty into the world?
No. Just No! …
The truth is God made everyone to pursue beauty; women are not special in this regard; I do not see that in scripture. And the beauty we are to pursue has nothing to do with us, for true beauty is Christ! We are all, male and female, to pursue Christ (the truest beauty there is). It is a mere! result that we, internally, become more beautiful. The internal beauty does often affect our outer beauty, but that is in no way the goal. The goal has and was and always will be Christ and pursing Him, becoming more like Him along the way!
So, Women’s Conferences and meetings and books, for the Love of Christ (literally!) stop telling women they’re beautiful. Perhaps it is true that some women are under-confident, not understanding their identity and worth in Christ, but since when has it ever been about us (as humans!)? You do not “fix” under-confidence by talking about beauty until you’re blue in the face or emphasizing the woman’s identity (even in Christ, for that preposition makes it NOT the ultimate!). Under-confidence is cured, not by looking at the self, but by looking to Christ and forgetting that you matter in the first place.
You will soon, as your gaze is fixed upon Savior, forget yourself and be so filled with glory, that you no longer think yourself unworthy or worthy but are simply occupied with thoughts of Christ—the most worthy! It has never been about the horizontal; it is about the vertical (which effects the horizontal).
So women, tell other women to read the Word. Tell other women to look to Christ when they’re feeling under confident; to cling to who He is; they will discover worth in Him and not themselves (Praise the Lord!). Preach doctrine and seek depth and read scripture and worship Holy Spirit rather than wasting time by talking about beauty, identity, and self. You may be harming the women you are trying to heal. Remember, it is not your job to heal a spirit any way; it is your job to point to the One who can.
So, let’s point to Christ. Let’s all, male and female, become a big flashing sign that says “Here is true Beauty. True Identity. True Worth. True Essence. Truth Itself. His name is Christ. Let’s worship.” Let’s, as Trip Lee says, “Brag on Our Lord,” and leave the rest to the secular world. Let us not preach psychology nor self-help nor self-confidence. Let’s preach Christ.
I have no desire for others to have the seeds of vanity planted in them whilst in church pews or at Christian conferences. Those seeds can grow and choke out the pursuit of Christ, like they did for me at times. Let us plant the seeds we are commanded to—seeds of Christ and Christ alone. To God be the Glory forever.
Amen.
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