Life is Beautiful. God is Good. (Teaching in the Fall? Japan in January?)

I cannot even begin to fully explain the changes that have happened in the past few weeks (it honestly feels like it's been years since we first got back from Japan). But I will say as much as can be said through imperfect communication and limited time.

Japan was amazing, and Isaiah and I are so excited to get to the country we belong in. We came back from Japan to full-time jobs that require much time, Japanese lessons with my brother Mitch (by now we have learned Hiragana and are starting Katakana next week), working on the core team of the Cornerstone Church plant, and the daily routine of life. Honestly, this has been a hard year due to us both working so much. But the past few weeks especially may just have been our most difficult to date. We have almost completely finished paying off our loans (our goal is to get them paid off by summer); we have never wanted to enter the mission field in any form of debt, and thanks to God providing so much work for us, we will enter the field totally debt free. Despite our excitement about getting those paid off, the past few weeks have been rough. We are consistently unable to do everything we need to. Our house is a total wreck, we barely eat anything at home except for bagels, we are constantly behind in Japanese homework, are not doing our devotions the way we should, both often feel like failures at work, get home with barely any energy to do much of anything besides sleep, and are attempting to help people in our lives in unbearably hard situations.

These past few weeks have brought even more trials for me at school: from grading, to administering state tests, to talking with students about awful pasts, pain, and current violence in their lives, to bitter co-workers empowered by the evil one to wound me; you name it, it has happened. Isaiah has also been more tired than ever on the bread route due to being married to a wife in need of help with school items and often ready to discuss important matters right as we head to bed (poor, sweet husband). We have also had many more misunderstandings in the past week than usual, which has lent itself to longer and more tiring discussions--discussions which lead to redemption but also to more exhaustion come morning. We are spent. But God is good. He sustains us during this time of survival, and soon the incoming waves will calm. I know this. I am holding onto this promise. Summer will bring with it rest from teaching and more intimacy with God.

So many terrible things have happened to friends and students in the past weeks since our return that if we did not believe in a powerful, all-good God, our world would be so shaken. I am learning during this season to not visually see the awful stories that people tell me unfold before my eyes. I am learning to stop images and pain before they appear in my mind when people speak with me about evil things and unimaginable horrors. It is difficult for me to practice this. I am not in the habit of stopping myself from seeing the horrid stories people tell me; I am not in the habit of being helpful whilst not feeling and carrying the weight of the things I am told. I am grateful for a season of practice, but since I have not learned the art of putting up healthy, emotional boundaries when listening, I am still bearing the weight of certain things whilst God teaches me.

I am grateful during this season to be married o a resilient man who is very good at being emotionally detached from things when needed. Isaiah has handled some things, especially this past week, which I could never step into and then step out of with my sanity. My husband has been my warrior this week, fighting battles for friends that I cannot fight. Being a rock in dealing with practicalities that I cannot imagine bearing the spiritual turmoil of. I never knew that I would be grateful for Isaiah's somewhat detached emotion. I am learning that God gave him to me because while I can listen to a lot of pain, Isaiah helps mend it in practical ways, helping my bleeding heart stay in-tact along the way. Who knew it was so nice to not do ministry alone!?

I believe that these past few weeks have been God's way of sanctifying us and growing us in ministry in preparation for Japan. I hope God will see fit to keep teaching us, even when it is tough, especially when it is tough. Hard practice always produces the best results. I also believe that these past few weeks have been the evil one attempting to discourage and weaken us. satan has been throwing a lot of fiery ash in my eyes as I try to commune with God and influence students for Christ. At every corner, satan has sent a secularly-driven person to tell me of my unworthiness and to question my heart's motivation. he has continuously attempted to show me how the ministry of teaching this year has been a waste, and how I have influenced no one and changed nothing. he has been trying to show me that the time and effort I put it is not worth the crop that is yielded. God is working, but when God is at work, so is satan, so, for us, it is always a choice: will we lean on Christ and grow, or will we cave and get discouraged? I am grateful that God sees fit to save me from discouragement so may times, that He sees fit to send me love through people when I least expect it.

Ministering to victims of rape, murder, and violence at home, and then being told I'm worthless at work is too hard for me to handle, but it is NOT too hard for God. I am thankful to God for what he did for me specifically today. I walked into school this morning knowing that this was my last year at Lexington Senior High School. Though I was still feeling unsettled about my decision to leave, the position was already posted, Isaiah and I had already said that teaching took too much of my time than what it was worth, and I honestly felt I would be able to do more ministry in the community whilst at home rather than spending so much time doing things like grading and planning. I walked in this morning being done. However, after conversations with students, the best letter from a student I have ever received, and a summative conference with my principal, Mrs. Curry,  I will be returning to teach at Lexington in the Fall. Suffice it to say that, that conference with my boss was everything. I have never felt more completely understood by a superior in my entire life.

Most of the people I have worked under have known they wanted to keep me, but have never been able to articulate why. They knew I was good at what I did, but never really got why I was, or what kind of teacher I am. Mrs. Curry sees that it is my theology and the love inside me for my students that makes me good. She told me that the same love she saw me have for my brother Colton during my first interview is the same love I show my students; she told me that's why she likes me. She knows that my strength is in the relationships I form with the kids, in the rapport I build, in the conversations I have--in the believing they can do things they've been told they can't, in me harassing them for work, in the loving them, and in them knowing it. I told her "thank for seeing Jesus in me," for that is truly and honestly what she was talking about. I asked to be re-hired on the spot. When you have a boss who believes in you and understands what you contribute, who sees the gifts God gave you to share and wants to keep them in her school, you stay with her. And when you have a boss who tells you your worth so directly, it makes any other bad words said about you by co-workers (and satan) not matter at all. The kids and Mrs. Curry want me and see me. That is more than enough. I'm not sure I've ever felt truly seen by the people I try to honor and please until today.

I kept wondering why it was that when I left James Irwin after two years I felt at peace, why it was that when I left North Davidson after an even shorter time I still felt at peace...and yet I didn't feel at peace leaving Lexington High School. It was because God isn't done with me there yet. I am grateful He showed me that, that He was kind enough to give me a glimpse of the difference I am making there through His power and love. He was kind enough to show me that my ministry there is far from worthless and is intricately connected to my ministry in the community and to my future at Cornerstone Church Plant and eventually in Japan.

I also told Mrs. Curry...and this is going to be another big surprise...that Isaiah and I were asked to come much sooner to Japan. I asked her if it was possible to teach for just one more semester, to squeeze all I could out of myself until January because that is when our friend, Kurt Saban, wants us to join him in Japan! We were planning on going in a year, but Kurt wants it to be sooner, and we couldn't be more excited. So, the plan is to teach until the end of first semester (Mrs. Curry is good with it) and then pack up and head off the Isaiah's "home country," to the land where God has called us. It's a much quicker time frame than we expected, but if the Lord wills it, it will happen! Kurt is going to be meeting with us via Skype every few weeks whilst we arrange things for me to work at his English school and for Isaiah to get work upon arrival. And the Sinks are heading home soon too, which will hopefully lend itself to fruitful discussions and prayer as well. We are uncertain of many details. But this, right now, we do know for certain: The Lord is directing our steps. I am so grateful to serve a God who shows me His love and directs me when I lose my way, who opens up the way before me and walks with me all the way.

Learning Japanese. Core team with Cornerstone Church plant. Teaching at Lexington High School. Running a Bread Route. One more Christmas at home. Japan on the horizon...Life is beautiful. God is good.

Japan Vision Trip: What we did in Japan!

Hey folks! Warning up front: this is going to be a pretty short blog due to the fact that I am pretty exhausted and Cafe'oke here at Heart & Soul Cafe in Nagoya, Japan starts soon. So, here goes: a summary of what I am truly unable to summarize in a time frame which won't do it justice.

Isaiah and I arrived in Nagoya, Japan on Sunday around 3pm. Jeremy Sink very graciously picked us up. We had planned on being here Saturday but Delta airlines in Detroit cancelled the flight. (However, we got vouchers and a full night's sleep on a mattress, so no lasting complaints here.) We met Jeremy's wife Gina near a local park where the Sakura blossoms were in perfect bloom and hanami (cherry blossom watching!) was on full display. People were lying on tarps and picnic blankets, eating KFC and sushi and watching the sakura above them as they fellowshipped together. It was truly the perfect introduction to Japan! We have been told that we came at the perfect time for this as well. God is kind indeed. For dinner, we ate at the most delicious Indian restaurant I have ever been to. The curry was to die for! We then returned home to the Grace House (a local share house) with plans for Jeremy to pick us up in the morning for a tour of Nagoya and introduction to the subway station.

We enjoyed our first morning in Japan very much, walking to the 7/11 to get Green tea Ice Cream and Yen from an American-friendly ATM and then to a small grocery store to grab items for our 10 day stay here in Nagoya. We came back to Grace House and made a simple breakfast complete with delicious Japanese eggs (so much better and more healthy than American ones!). We also met a few of our housemates. We are sharing the house with both folks who live there continually and one other short term visitor like ourselves. Our housemate Hao-chin has made mornings highly entertaining and energetic and other housemates have helped us remove our laundry from the washing machine we couldn't understand (it locked our wet clothes inside!) and have taught us about the detailed system of recycling here (there are 5 different trash cans!). We are very grateful and happy to be living among others.

Jeremy picked us up right on time (that is the case with everything here; the people, subway, trains, always right on time). We road the Nagoya subway system all over the city and walked quite a bit as well. We saw the rest of the lovely park from the night before, visited the business district, stood atop a tall building with a glass bottom you can see the city from, had Starbucks at a half-indoor-half-outdoor mall whilst talking about Japanese literature, saw two different shopping districts, and most impactful--visited one of the oldest shrines in the city called Osu Kannon. I will need to write a more detailed account of that later, but suffice it to say that Jeremy, Isaiah, and I prayed near the shrine for the people inside and about who continuously go through motions they don't understand dedicated to stone gods who cannot speak, hear, or help them. Japan needs workers indeed.

When our tour was completed, we went to pick up Jeremy's son, Josiah, up from ICAN, a Christian school in Nagoya. We dropped him off at a piano lesson and visited a local farmer's market. Isaiah and I were very happy to find good yogurt for our aching tummy's there as well as to discover the wide variety of fish and vegetables available in this country. After getting Josiah, we headed to the Sink home where Gina had prepared us a feast for our second night in Japan. We ate salad with dicon on top (a wonderful veggie here that adds great texture to almost everything), baked spaghetti, and grapes while talking about Jeremy and Gina's journey of faith here in Japan. We truly have wise and gentle guides helping us along here in these short 10 days! And we are grateful. We then went home to Grace House via the subway with detailed instructions via text and pin on google maps (a must here in Japan).

The next day Jeremy picked us up once more (we were going to brave the subway, but, alas, we got one more morning to relax) and gave us a tour of CBI (Christian Bible Institute) where a lot of the MTW team works (although there are other organizations involved and helping too!). We saw a theology class with a guest speaker on Genesis, witnessed the awesome library here, and saw the Heart & Soul Cafe (where I am currently sitting!). He talked with us about the different aspects of the CBI ministry including the seminary and library, church planting team, and heart & soul cafe. We also met a dear Japanese brother & sister in the Lord in the Cafe' who talked to us about their God stories. They taught us much about the Japanese culture and challenges of the gospel in the time we talked...which was quite a long time! This dear brother will probably be leading one the ANF (All Nations Fellowship) churches in Nagoya come summer. He and his wife are beautiful people whom we long to see again. We then rushed to meet with Brett, the leader of the CBI team. We enjoyed another Indian restaurant per the request of Brett's young son who accompanied us. He requested "daddy, Naan please," and we had no problem with that! Brett spoke to us about some practicalities of the ministry. After speaking with Brett, Isaiah and I headed home to Grace House for a nap, with plans to return to help a new friend, Kuni, later in the evening. After a subway ride home and fairly long walk (we hadn't yet discovered the shortest route), we made it to Grace House and took a nap. However, when we "woke," and I use that term very loosely, I found myself quite unable to move or function. The jet-lag Jeremy warned us of had apparently set in, and I could do nothing other than cancel the plans with Kuni and sleep. Though sleep this evening was sporadic, with a lot of waking by both Isaiah and I and sometimes both in between, we did get a lot of sleep and plenty of great Jesus talks in-between our sleeping and doses of melatonin. :)

The next morning, Isaiah and I hopped the subway alone, and, thanks to the efficient and intuitive systems here in Japan, faired very well. We arrived at a Starbucks to have breakfast with Jeremy and debrief about the days before. It was a very fruitful talk! Our new friend Creed met us there to take us on our Journeymen IMB (International Mission Board) adventure for the day. Creed is very passionate and zealous for the Lord, and we enjoyed him very much. He reminded us a lot of our dear brothers and sisters at the Boardwalk Chapel. Creed took us for "second breakfast" at Mister Doughnut, and we talked about our hearts for Japan, God stories, and about how much Creed enjoys each day here lived for the Lord. We then visited a JSL (Japanese Sign Language) class and next a local university where Creed often meets students, but unfortunately, though Yuki--a university friend of Creed's--saved us spots and was ready to chat at lunch, our cafeteria ramen took too long to make, and Yuki had to hurry to class. Creed, Isaiah, and I still had a fruitful discussion on campus, and he answered a lot of our questions about evangelism in this great country. Our brother's heart very much beats with ours, and we were very happy to see this! We then got a tour of Creed and his roommate Ian's apartment and picked up Yuka--a new Japanese sister in the Lord! After seeing more Sakura trees with our new friends, Ian, Creed, Yuka, and Isaiah and I had a praise-jam session in their apartment and learned our first Japanese song. Hanging out with Yuka was definitely a major highlight, for she felt very much like my own sister and child--a lot like Ginni Corsello feels to us! I loved her right away and my heart is so happy around her! After dropping Yuka off at the station, we met up with Arissa, a friend Creed & Ian met when offering 10 min English lessons over a year ago. Though our meeting with Arissa was random, it was so sweet and providential. Isaiah and I enjoyed very much teaching Arissa some English for her exam this coming Tuesday and discussing life with her. We all went for ramen afterwards and headed home for a hard night's sleep.

On Thursday, Isaiah and I traveled our longest to visit ICAN and get a tour of the school from Rebel Houston, who we had already met over Skype 2 years ago and then once more last year. We took a break between the subway and train ride in order to explore Fukigaoka, one of my favorite spots in Nagoya thus far. The cherry blossom trees were beautiful, and the homemade bread we picked up was delicious! Rebel and one of the current English teachers, Alison, gave us a tour of both the lower and upper schools and ate sushi with us as we discussed ICANs role in Nagoya. It was cool to see people and places we had formerly only seen over Skype. We then traveled to Nagoya before hopping a subway back to a former spot so we could meet with Chad Farmer and some of the founders of Mustard Seed, another growing Christian church in Japan. Chad gave us tons of very practical information and lots of spiritual wisdom as well. He answered just about every question I've had about missions organizations, options for getting over to Japan, and why things function the way they do. When our sweet and very useful conversation with Chad was over, we headed to a burger joint called "Handsome Burger" for some much needed American food for my aching stomach. That's right, the best burger I've ever had in my life was in Japan. :) Isaiah and I then headed for the Maundy-Thursday service at All Nations Fellowship. The occasion as very special because this was the evening where 3 different international churches (churches mixed with Japanese & missionaries) and a few visitors from All Japanese Churches all came together to worship the Lord. Yuka, my new Japanese sister, sat next to me with Isaiah on my other side, and all of the people we had come to know were all around us. All from different places, and all here as the body of Christ in one place worshipping the Lord. The service was the most beautiful I've ever experienced. Three different pastors led different aspects of the service and Japanese and English were spoken eloquently, one never dominating over the other. I truly felt that the body of Nations was in the CBI building and my heart was so happy! Jeremy Sink offered the sacraments and spoke with such authority, passion, and emotion that I could barely breath for the glory in the room. Jeremy has always been a good pastor, but the way he speaks in Japan--man! Such power I never heard from him in the states. God has grown him and anointed him in our beloved Japan, and it is beautiful to see and to hear!

Friday was a bit more chill (which was nice after such business). We met Jeremy at CBI, were joined by a new member of the CBI team who reminded me very much of my dear friend Susan Mitchell, and took the subway to Cynthia Ruble's cafe'. Cynthia is a resurrected Amy Carmichael, a kick-butt single missionary who knows the vision for her mission and fights with feminine, strong weapons of the Gospel. She runs the only crisis-pregnancy ministry in all of Japan, and through the government once disliked her, they now look to her as a great resource! :) She has accomplished so much in all of her years in Japan. She is also a very busy woman. She houses women who need assistance with their pregnancies, helps them put their children up for adoption or keep them, gives them work and skills in her cafe', does post-abortion counseling through email and phone, and has adopted a child who is now 11 years old! Isaiah and I couldn't help but see a place for our friends Londa & Griffin here, for Cynthia and the cafe' reeked of what these two live their lives for (not to mention Cynthia's desserts were the only things I've ever tasted which hold a candle to Londa's). After speaking with Cynthia, we headed back to Heart & Soul Cafe' and met briefly with Will, the guy who runs the Heart and Soul coffee shop. The main thing we learned about Will is that he is in the right job! This guy is such a coffee nerd and definitely has a distinct vision of what his purpose is on the CBI team. We then went to dinner with Kuni. Over udon noodles, Kuni both encouraged us and convicted us. He is a great brother, and by the end of dinner I was weeping tears of repentance for not enjoying everyday intimacy with the Lord where I am. I will never forget that dinner and will probably write more of it later.

We then headed back for Cafe'oke and met the infamous Josh, whose soul missionary job in Nagoya is to go around meeting people and hosting bang-up karaoke as an in for the gospel. Pretty cool! However, though we had planned on staying, after being convicted over dinner and again, feeling quite exhausted from the day, we said goodbye to Josh and took the subway home to sleep.

Saturday was one of my favorite days in Japan. Isaiah and I woke up and felt like natives in this beautiful country. We walked our own neighborhood around the Grace House, discovered new places, and checked out the local subway, heading to Nagoya station for some breakfast. I enjoyed french toast and cappuccino complete with Japanese coffee art at an Italian-inspired bistro, and Isaiah and I walked the newest Nagoya building and mall, stopping for healthy drinks and bible study outside of a pizzeria. After a leisurely and very enjoyable morning and afternoon, we met a new friend, Kurt, an E-Free missionary who was different than almost everyone else we'd met on the trip thus far. Kurt runs a homeless ministry in Nagoya and he and his Japanese wife, Akane, also have 3 English learning schools and 2 teenage sons. Kurt showed us all of the cool, cheaper Japanese stores where we stocked up on snacks to bring home and got a feel for the less-posh section of Nagoya, which I felt much more comfortable in. I also had my first experience with a non-western Japanese toilet when we picked up bentos for the homeless ministry. It was a success. LOL. Kurt also took us to eat some local grub, including Tacoyaki & Okonomiyaki while telling us about his story of getting to and working in Japan. We found easy camaraderie with Kurt because he is very similar to my dad. We helped with his homeless ministry, giving out bentos, worshipping in Japanese, offering copies of Manga Messiah, and Kurt even let Isaiah preach while Akane translated. It was a beautiful experience, and we met even more brothers and sister in the Lord there--some who are homeless and recently converted along with Norweigen missionaries and an old friend of the Cummings named Nathan. One of the most wonderful things about Japan was seeing missionaries from all over the world from totally different denominations and mission boards working together for the gospel. If only the States could learn from these warriors! To end the night, Kurt, Akane, and their son Luca showed us some of their English schools and took us to the most delicious sushi. If you want to know more, check out the pictures on Facebook! So good!

Easter Sunday was church day. Jeremy Sink preaches at two churches now, both branches of All Nations Fellowship. First we went to a brach near Fukigaoka, having lunch at Freshness Burger afterwards with new friends, Brie & John Patton, who met at ICAN and are heading back to Japan to help with the Kobe Mustard Seed church plant after raising funds. We then took a quick nap and headed to CBI near Nagoya station where the second branch of ANF meets. Here, we kept nursery and read bible stories to the kiddos before grabbing bentos and heading back for bible study and to hear some amazing testimonies from our Japanese sisters. I cannot even begin to describe the gospel power in the sermon on Sunday, so I will simply say to conclude that I have never heard the gospel so clear and moving, nor have I ever cried such joyful and sorrowful tears on a Sunday.

On Monday, we visited Nagoya castle with Jeremy and enjoyed ourselves immensely, later meeting up with Kurt for a final chat and awesome dinner at a place with grills in the tables! We cooked our own meat and ate our fill that night whilst learning even more about Kurt's ministry and training.

Tuesday held great sorrow as we packed up, said goodbye to housemates, and headed for the airport. And now, we are home. I promise to write again soon and fill you, dear readers in, on more details. But for now, simply know that we know we belong and are called to Japan, and feel as if we have left our home and are now aliens in our current lives. But praise the Lord for the joy He can and will give us in the now despite this, for He is good! We have some ideas about where we might fit, but we must go before the Lord now and seek His wisdom. We cannot trust our own limited human ideas about where we fit in Nagoya. We must seek the Lord. Will you please seek Him with us? Will you pray, dear reader, for God to show us what ministry to become a part of in our start in Japan? Will you pray and make sure he wants us in Nagoya? Will you pray that if we are to be in a ministry we did not meet, God would show us? Will you pray for us to be content and joy-filled where we are, and yet passionate for Japan? Will you pray for us to seek intimacy and answers from God instead of ourselves? We thank you. ~Calli & Isaiah

Please pray for:
>The CBI Team, IMB Team, Norwegian Mission, Brazilian Mission, Reliant Missionaries, TEAM missionaries, E-Free Canadian Missionaries, MTW (which has two other teams), the spread of the gospel in Japan!
>Jeremy & Gina Sink: MTW-CBI Team, ANF
>Brett & Taylor Rayl: CBI Leader
>Ian & Creed: IMB-Nagoya Team, Journeymen
>Kurt & Akane Saban: E-Free Canadian Mission & Saban English Schools
>Chad Farmer & Family: Reliant Mission, Mustard Seed Church
>Cynthia Ruble: Business Woman & servant of God

It's Finally Happening!

As the title suggests we are finally making plans to visit the country that has captured our hearts even as we began to solidify our own relationship; Japan.

We are calling this a "vision trip" because we are hoping to catch a vision of what God might have for us to do there. (In fact, we are asking you who are reading this to pray for us to that end.) If God is calling us to Japan, He will certainly show us. And, although we will almost certainly not receive all the answers on this trip, we do expect Him to lead our hearts to desire that which is in His will and to make clear to our minds possibilities in which our already-developing gifts from the Holy Spirit are intended to be used.

"How long?" you might ask.

April 7th is our departure date and our return ticket is for the 18th of April. So we will be there roughly 10 days. We wish it could be longer, but we pray (along with you) that it will be a very full 10 days indeed!

"What will you do there?"

As is always the case with trips in general, and for some reason it seems mission trips, flexibility in plans will be key. However, we do have a rough schedule planned out.
Friday, we leave the US and arrive in Nagoya on Saturday (8 April). Sunday, we worship at the congregation Jeremy helps to pastor (as long as we are not too overcome by jet lag). Monday, we intend to see Nagoya, the city, with the Sinks. Tuesday, we tour CBI, meet the ministry team, and meet the church leaders and their families, along with hearing testimonies of Japanese believers about their own faith and their sense of what it means to effectively minister in Japan. Wednesday and Thursday, we will be tagging along with a ministry team to see what they do. Friday, we may help out at the youth event at the Sinks' home or with the Heart and Soul Café. Saturday, we would also go out with another ministry team/meet with more missionaries. Sunday we would worship at Jeremy's church (hopefully minus jet lag this time), and on Monday we might try to visit some Buddhist temples or see some other nearby cities and get a further sense of the culture of this country. Tuesday, we depart for the US (and because of the time change actually would arrive home on the same day we departed). (Also, a big shout out to Jeremy Sink--mentioned more below--for planning this thing out for us! What a wondrous help he has been.)

"How did this come about?"

We have arranged this trip with our good friends (and potential mentors) Jeremy and Gina Sink who have been serving in Japan for several years and have relatively recently begun working with an MTW team in Nagoya. We reached out to them early this year once we got Calli's spring break schedule for her teaching job.
We decided that there was only so much we could plan for and think about this country from across the water, and it was time to really go and see for ourselves.
Jeremy has been incredibly helpful in arranging a place for us to stay, missionaries for us to hopefully meet, giving us recommendations on ways to prepare for coming to Japan, and offering to be a kind of tour guide while we are there.
We owe him a great deal for already spending a good deal of effort and time into helping us make this trip. It really wouldn't be happening if not for him.

What can you do?

Most importantly you can pray for Japan in general, the people we will meet, and also, us.
Our expectations for this trip are less about our usefulness to the people there (although I hope our presence will be an encouragement to the believers there) and more about God giving us direction and vision for our own future involvement in laying down our lives for the sake of the salvation of the Japanese. So pray for us that we will have very humble hearts which exalt the name of Christ and remain open to all that God may be telling us on this trip (including waiting on Him before we go). Our greatest desire is for Him to receive the glory in our submitting to His leading and direction.

Besides praying, you can also give. This trip will not be cheap. We anticipate a cost of nearly $1,000 for our lodging, food, and travel within the country (besides the $2,300 we have spent on the plane tickets). We are not asking this out of our need as much as giving you the opportunity to partner with us for the sake of the gospel. If you are able to spend your money with us in this way we will surely be grateful to God and hope you will see yourself as playing a part in bringing encouragement to God's people and the gospel to this dark land.
(The easiest way to send money is via PayPal using the "friends and family" option [isaiah . english @ me . com without spaces]. However, if you would like to mail a check that works just as well—let us know if you need our address.)

Most of all dear friends, we want to update you on our happenings and where God is directing us in our seeking His will in our lives. Our God is great and He deserves the praise of the largest unreached people group currently on the planet. So pray with us that God will send workers to proclaim this eternal good news to this land of Satan! Hallelujah! The Lord God Almighty reigns!

Second Semester: How Teaching is Going

The second semester has started, and though I can tell there is one class period that will not be perfect, everything is much easier this semester. I can simply already tell based on the kids, my organization, and my level of "tired" being less than it was last semester. I also am surprised at how many of my children from last semester (including and even especially the ones who seemed to hate me most) keep popping their little heads in to say hello and ask me how I am. They seem to want to come back to my class, which, for some of them, is definitely not what I expected. I am still teaching my AP class and Honors class from last semester (which is every other day), and I love both of those classes--AP especially. Though at first I was scared to teach Advanced Placement, to be honest, it is the most natural for me. I run my classroom very similarly to college unless I have to do otherwise, so teaching this class seems to fit like a glove. It is the other classes that have required stretching.

My two new sets of students are regular Juniors and another set of regular Seniors. I am happy to report, that, overall, they are easier than my Seniors from last semester (though I loved them too, those dear crazy children). My current Seniors seem close to perfect, and my Juniors are not that bad either. I have also learned (from a combination of co-workers, simple experience, and the Holy Spirit's advice) how to teach simpler--with less work for me and more work for the students. I have started teaching my classes of 30-something students like I would if I were homeschooling: finding curriculum (usually not found at school), dividing it up according to days, and making a set schedule of work that is due.  I also have made bell work different for every day of the week in order to bring specific purpose to each day.

So, Mondays are silent reading day and quiz days, Tuesdays are Creative Writing Journal days, Wednesdays are Reading Comprehension days, Thursdays are Writing days, and Fridays are grammar and makeup work from the week days. Each day has a purpose, and the content folds into the day in simple, 20 min. segments that make me neither tired nor irritated. Vocabulary, Grammar, and Literary Terms are items that fall into almost everyday at set times and according to preset curriculum that I don't have to make from scratch.

...I feel like, for most of my teaching career, I have been making from-scratch content biscuits, and my students have been begging for McDonald's instead (a very frustrating predicament indeed). Students were always shouting "Where are the Worksheets?" when I made them think too much with all of my original content. So, now, I have given them a mixture: Some already-made items that save me time and calm my nerves, and some just from my brain that are difficult and grueling and always worth it. I have never felt happier or more balanced in my teaching than right now. I finally have a system I can work with, and plenty of materials I can re-use from previous teaching experiences. (I had tried some of this at North, but unlike then, now it's working!)

But my current state of peace and happiness is about more than life being easier at school. It's even more so about feeling eternally purposeful at school. If I were only to teach kids grammar, literature, and vocabulary, I would be doing nothing for them that matters forever; I would only be fulfilling temporal needs which will drift away with the sands of time and death. But lately, I have been having conversations that do matter in the course of eternity. Talks with students after school about the Bible as literature and truth. Book suggestions that have to do with theology, doctrine, and truths about Christ that the church often forgets. Discussions about absolute truth in a subjective-driven society. Talks about author's world-views, different kinds of world-views, and why these matter.

Things that matter in the light of eternity have been falling into my lap as gifts from the Father, and I couldn't be more happy about that. They don't happen every day or in every class (in fact, because of the dynamics, they almost always happen in Honors & AP only), but they are happening in much more abundance than last semester. Praise the Lord! And Praise Him for giving me not only opportunities but also words to speak when I am not in the Word like I should be. God could have closed up my mouth at any point this week due to my unfaithfulness, but He chose to bless me despite myself. He chose to send his Holy Spirit when I neither deserved it nor honored Him properly. So, it's all glory to Him. I just couldn't be more thankful or humbled.

Here's to fighting to the finish this school year. And Here's to God--ruler and conductor of all, who decides when it is time to build up his faithful ones who are world-weary and emotionally on the fritz. I am very grateful that time for me is now.

The Cost of Being Empty

It's the husband this time. I don't get on here as much as the wife, but that's because she usually has more to say and can say it in better ways than I can. However, every once in a while I pop on when God has been teaching me something and I want to share it.

As Calli has said our lives have been quite busy lately with me getting a new job (started end of November) in which I am actually making more money than my wife—unusual since she has been working as a teacher in the past and I as a landscaper. However, the landscaping has been put aside for the time being in favor of a more lucrative and equally if not more satisfying means of winning bread—delivering it!

However, this job has come with its challenges. My schedule is radically different than with landscaping because I now get up between 2 and 4 am Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday (with Wednesday & Sunday being my days off). Getting enough sleep is still a challenge and I still haven't figured out completely how to fit enough of it in throughout the week. However, sleep is not the only important thing which has suffered the past two or three weeks, Bible reading/private worship have also. I've still gone to church, discussed things in Sunday School, sung and prayed in worship, read good books, but having/setting aside focused time for God has not happened either because I'm too tired or too busy.

I have known this is not good, but it wasn't until this week that God got my attention about it in a new way. Last week and the week before a specific conversation opened up which had written all over it "opportunity for sharing the gospel" (in some way or another), but each time I found myself bone dry in terms of spiritual power. I found that instead of having words ready to flow in response to the open door I saw before me I had nothing to say. It was like a dream in which my evangelistic feet were rooted to the ground and I watched in horror, but was unable to move them at all.

It may be that in past times my spiritual senses were not open to seeing opportunities the way I can see them now that I have spent many hours sharing the gospel with people from all over the world. What ever the reason I have never felt such dread at the lack of spiritual power that I knew I ought to have.

I didn't recognize it in the moment, but later as I thought about what I had experienced these two times in the past two weeks it became painfully clear what was wrong. I was not filled with the Spirit. God seemed to be saying to me in bright flashing neon letters, "If you aren't filled with the Spirit you can't evangelize," over and over again. I had never before seen the negative impact of my neglecting personal worship of God as literally crippling me evangelistically. I could have said some words in those situations that came up, and I did say a couple things, but I could feel that the power I normally spoke with during such opportunities was completely gone. My words felt hollow and empty to me and I could see that even as I tried to say things they were missing the heart of the issue.

Paul tells us in Ephesians that we must be filled with the Spirit. Lest I be misunderstood let me briefly explain that the Bible uses 3 main words in relation to the Holy Spirit and believers: gift of the Spirit, baptism of the Spirit, and filling/filled with the Holy Spirit. The gift of the Holy Spirit is what Peter tells the Jews in Acts 2 will receive if they repent, believe, and are baptized. I take this to mean that this is the biblical way of speaking of new birth, so all true believers have the gift of the Holy Spirit (He is present inside them permanently in some way or another). The baptism of the Spirit is what Jesus says will happen to His disciples and so He tells them to wait in Jerusalem for it and Scripture does not uses this language to describe a repeated experience of these men. Instead, the language Scripture uses to describe what repeatedly happens to the Apostles and other believers is filled with the Holy Spirit. The Apostles pray for boldness to speak the word in the face of the Jewish leaders' opposition and the room is shaken "and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit." Stephen and Barnabas are described as men characterized by being filled with the Holy Spirit and they perform great acts of boldness and generosity. We see all throughout the book of Acts the Holy Spirit filling people to empower them to speak the good news.

Finally we get to Paul's letter to the Ephesians and we find a description (almost) of how to be filled by the Holy Spirit "but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms, hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with all your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another our of reverence for Christ."
I take this to mean that intentionally enjoying and learning about God—worship—(reading the Bible, singing, praying, listening to others teach about and praise Him) is the way that we invite Holy Spirit to fill us. That is both my experience and what I believe I find taught in Scripture. So that is what I mean by saying that I have neglected the filling of the Spirit these past few weeks. When I am not spending regular intentional time to focused-ly enjoy His presence through prayer, reading, writing and singing He is disinclined to give me His power to do His work.

Since Paul says "be filled" I believe that the Bible commands us to be in this state. So what was so convicting this morning as God showed me what was going on in those opportunities I missed was that it was my fault that I was not filled with the Spirit. No, I am not in control of Holy Spirit and I cannot make Him give me His power. But yes, I am responsible for not inviting Him. His response of withdrawal from me is not something I forced Him to do, but my lack of power to obey Him in sharing the gospel when I had the chance was because I was also disobedient in pursuing intimacy with Him. Just as I pursued joy in my wife and sought to spend time with her, so I must pursue God.

This lesson is a sad one to learn the hard way since my disobedience costs others. The only thing I can say is that I am glad to be learning this sooner rather than later and that I hope I will never forget it as I seek to share the good news with the people of Japan as well.

All this to say, praise to the name of the Lord who showed me my sin. If He had not shown me that my lack of power was due to my distance from the source of Life and Power I might have continued longer and missed even more opportunities. Just look at what our disobedience costs others. Because I was not spending intentional time to enjoy God and be filled with the Spirit I was unable to share the good news like I should have to those who needed it. I only pray that God may give me another opportunity to tell of His glory, and that if He does I will be filled and ready to be used to share the good news.

Shut Up & Point to Christ (My "Beef" with Women's Conferences)

I am ashamed of what I once spent my time doing. Vanity is a great deceiver in our society, and I am no exception. Vanity is more than simply thinking you’re hot stuff and spending hours in front of the mirror. It comes into one’s life in subtle ways. There are so many things that I don’t care about anymore which I used to invest in a great deal. And what a waste those things were! I could have been pursuing my Savior. I could have been reading the Word. I could have been soaking in the presence of pure Glory, and I traded that for garbage heaps. 

The time I spent in high school reading Teen Vogue, making fashion statements (though not popular ones; I’ve always been odd), hanging up or even getting rid of the enormous amount of clothes that consumed my walk-in closet, is saddening. It’s not that I exuded the typical behavior of one said to be vain. It’s that the vanity consumed my time without my ever noticing it, without anyone in the church batting an eye, because the version that consumed me was typical, even a-typical (better than most). “Oh, Calli is so down to earth and kind. She has her own style and doesn’t care what others think. ” Ah, but even caring what I think a great deal (or even at all) is not the goal; it should always be about what the Savior thinks—His thoughts are to become mine own. What does it matter what I perceive as fashionable when there is a book that tells me what God states to be not only fashionable but commanded!?

And then there’s my time in Colorado. (I do not include college in the list, for I still consider it a sweet time with my Savior which I have no wish to trounce upon with critique). Sure, I continued my conversations with folks about God and ministered to tons of humans (just like I had in high school), but my time with the One that matters most was a paltry thing indeed. Once again, Vanity crept in and began to eat away at me in socially acceptable ways. But vanity upped the ante this time around. I was no longer making fashion statements from Goodwill racks and clothing closets; I was making money, money that Vanity would have me spend in ways I am now ashamed of. Money that could have been spent on Kingdom causes. 

I started to get my hair done on a regular basis, and caring about looking interesting and captivating. I wanted my outer form to match my insides. I purchased more makeup, which I only occasionally wore, and slowly stopped tithing. I watched “What Not to Wear” and purchased items that made me look “my” best. I learned how to tell from a rack how something would look on my form (which means I took the time to study the science of my body and clothes in general—that’s a lot of time if you have never practiced this “art”). I spent longer amounts of time getting ready for dates and church, and no time preparing my heart to meet potential suitors or for worship. I dared step into the presence of God on Sundays thinking more about my waistline than my devotional time. 

There was never a time I have felt more confident about myself (in human, physical terms) than that period of time. I was in the place everyone had said I should be one day. I felt confident in my own skin; I knew what I was worth; I walked with determination and taught with hutzpah. Those I admired most in the church had told me that one day I would be here, in this place of confidence, and I was. I had arrived. And that….was the whole problem. 

My physical, outer beauty (no matter how beautiful a Daughter of Eve might be) does not matter a damn in the Kingdom’s cause of evangelism and holiness; and it is usually a distraction from the One who matters most. What does matter is “that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.” Sure, I still had some (perhaps a good bit) of this, but I would have lost it were it not for God kindly beckoning me back into time with Him at the expense of my looks (at least, culture-wise). Vanity had slowly lured me into her grasp, and God had slowly beckoned me back, so that during the end of my time in Colorado I became more like when I had arrived: careful to spend time with the Most Valuable Treasure (Christ!) in the morning and not as careful to ready myself for the day in the lesser, more physical senses. 

So why this time of confession that you perhaps think not necessary at all? After all, isn’t it good to know that God made you beautiful and to pursue beauty? Did not God make, esp. women, to look and feel beautiful—to put beauty into the world? 

No. Just No! …

The truth is God made everyone to pursue beauty; women are not special in this regard; I do not see that in scripture. And the beauty we are to pursue has nothing to do with us, for true beauty is Christ! We are all, male and female, to pursue Christ (the truest beauty there is). It is a mere! result that we, internally, become more beautiful. The internal beauty does often affect our outer beauty, but that is in no way the goal. The goal has and was and always will be Christ and pursing Him, becoming more like Him along the way! 

So, Women’s Conferences and meetings and books, for the Love of Christ (literally!) stop telling women they’re beautiful. Perhaps it is true that some women are under-confident, not understanding their identity and worth in Christ, but since when has it ever been about us (as humans!)? You do not “fix” under-confidence by talking about beauty until you’re blue in the face or emphasizing the woman’s identity (even in Christ, for that preposition makes it NOT the ultimate!). Under-confidence is cured, not by looking at the self, but by looking to Christ and forgetting that you matter in the first place. 

You will soon, as your gaze is fixed upon Savior, forget yourself and be so filled with glory, that you no longer think yourself unworthy or worthy but are simply occupied with thoughts of Christ—the most worthy! It has never been about the horizontal; it is about the vertical (which effects the horizontal). 

So women, tell other women to read the Word. Tell other women to look to Christ when they’re feeling under confident; to cling to who He is; they will discover worth in Him and not themselves (Praise the Lord!). Preach doctrine and seek depth and read scripture and worship Holy Spirit rather than wasting time by talking about beauty, identity, and self. You may be harming the women you are trying to heal. Remember, it is not your job to heal a spirit any way; it is your job to point to the One who can. 

So, let’s point to Christ. Let’s all, male and female, become a big flashing sign that says “Here is true Beauty. True Identity. True Worth. True Essence. Truth Itself. His name is Christ. Let’s worship.” Let’s, as Trip Lee says, “Brag on Our Lord,” and leave the rest to the secular world. Let us not preach psychology nor self-help nor self-confidence. Let’s preach Christ. 

I have no desire for others to have the seeds of vanity planted in them whilst in church pews or at Christian conferences. Those seeds can grow and choke out the pursuit of Christ, like they did for me at times. Let us plant the seeds we are commanded to—seeds of Christ and Christ alone. To God be the Glory forever. 

Amen. 

My Pain in the Neck.

These past few days have been difficult. It is always hard when I'm in more pain in my back and neck than usual. Saturday and Sunday were extra trying because my back and neck were affecting my stomach in not so great ways, and the cavity that's forming in my back tooth has been affecting my right ear pretty intensely as well. So, I've been "not so good" in my back, neck, stomach, ear and teeth--all interconnected and all working off of each other's pain to incapacitate me. My biggest grievance when this happens is not the pain. I no longer am concerned about it (though there was a time when I used to be). Pain is a part of life. There is no reason I should be a special exception. It is always temporal; I can not only imagine a life hereafter without it; I am also blessed enough to know that after a few days I will often receive some form of relief (not the case for most people).

No, the hardest thing about it is being incapacitated, unable to do the things I wish to, whether that mean cleaning or grading or especially attending church. I cried so bad this past Sunday because I could not get up to go to church. I simply had to lie on my back and weep as my neck locked up in that all too familiar way. I miss worship and the body of Christ and fellowship with my husband on Sundays when my body seems determined to deter me from something holy and right.

It does help to have a loving husband with me in the pain. It also helps to go the chiropractor every two weeks (there was a period when I went twice a week, so improvement has happened despite current pain). The thing that is still difficult for me to grasp is the point of all this. (I know I've spoken of this before, but bear with me...suffering is a continual learning process) I ask myself sometimes: Why must I miss church due to neck pain? Why must I suffer through school days with difficult children whilst my back experiences its own personal hell? Why can I not have a normal morning with my handsome husband as other wives get (one without pain every time I turn toward him)? I ask myself these questions on the days when I am especially flesh-driven, on the days when I have forgotten my Savior's suffering, on the days when I am self-centered, on the days when I ask "why me" instead of "why not me." So, I decided to explore my neck journey to see the hand of God there, to once again accept the fact that there is a purpose in the pain and in the seemingly pointless days in bed. And here is my story...

During the first months of this battle, I didn't really know what was going on. At the start of my second year of teaching, a lady had bumped me at a stoplight. We stopped. We chatted. Nothing seemed wrong. So, when I started having intense neck pain and sickness every Friday at James Irwin Charter School in Colorado, I blamed stress and a bad immune system. I grew quickly acquainted with Susan Mitchell's guest room where I spent Friday nights in pain and silently weeping. I was often alone--I felt I should be. Who, after all, would want to deal with an invalid every weekend, I asked myself. (Of course, Susan would have, but I had not yet learned how to be a burden at this point in my life.) I would work hard all week, Friday would be hell, I would usually leave school early due to neck pain and often vomiting (missing my drama class), and crash on the guest room bed at Susan's--sometimes petting Sunny, the family dog, and sometimes calling David Shelley on the phone (my suitor at the time). Sunny would make me smile, and since I could convince David I was feeling chipper though I wasn't, I left those conversations feeling better too. This became a bit of a routine, and I simply (like my father) learned accept life as it was--I believe we Clearys are a bit like the mountain people in Christy, slow to seek solution and quick to accept life as it comes.

Fast forward quite a long bit...long enough to call it quits on all suitors, focus on the Word as a single all over again, and re-meet the one suitor I was intended for...

My pain basically disappeared once I visited Scotland & Iceland with dear friends, moved, started dating my future husband Isaiah, and got engaged. I now consider it God's special grace and care for me during my courtship and engagement time. I believe He very kindly put my trial on hold until further notice whilst my Isaiah wooed me and whilst I learned that burdening people at times (specifically a husband) is part of a life lived correctly. Judi, at the time my future mother-in-law, noticed something was wrong and suggested their chiropractor (Dr. Rose), giving me the birthday present of paid-for appointments, not knowing what this would mean for my life.

Dr. Rose, after x-rays, informed me of my severe reversed neck curve and of the fact that, that fateful bump at the stoplight was the last nudge needed to screw my neck up for a long time. I've had chiropractic appointments ever since. And I have learned quite a bit from this experience with the chiropractor...including lessons about how to accept pain when it serves to produce solution (whether that be a correct neck curve or a more holy life). I have also learned lessons about sacrificing immediate desires for the sake of something of greater importance (though this started in a lesson of eating non-inflammatory foods in order to seek lesser pain, it ended in a spiritual understanding of the sacrifices we make for the sake of righteousness and holiness....worthy causes which at the time seem less tempting than the immediacy of indulgence). And I learned of the power of prayer. My neck did not move a centimeter (7 months of nothing!) until Elena Farrell prayed for healing for it at the Boardwalk Chapel. When she prayed and claimed in Christ's name, I started to feel it move for the first time, and the moving was immediate. When I came back home and looked at new x-rays, I couldn't believe it; the immovable bones had become alive with movement. I will not again doubt the power of prayer or the healing that is possible and probable when the Holy Spirit is present. I lost a bit of my Presbyterianism that night, but I also lost an even bigger measure of my doubt.

Before I move forward though, it should be known that this moving, which Elena prayed for, was painful. My healing was neither pleasant nor painless. I remember one fateful night in the back room at the chapel with Alexandra Ramey and Mikaela Wilson. It is to this day the worst pain I have experienced in my short and blessed life thus far. I was crying and holding their hands and being prayed over, and so many essential oils were placed on me that I swear I smelled like a one-woman garden. It was this night that I truly learned dependence. It is true that Isaiah had already helped me immensely (as had his family), but this was the night when I broke. There was no way I could care for myself. I had nothing left, so I could longer try, and I let go. I broke before my sisters in the Lord, and I didn't shatter to pieces. Instead, I was held and comforted and I heard their stories of pain and struggle and was strengthened by their weakness and mine before the Father. Not to rip off Charles Dickens or sound cheeky, but it truly was the worst night of my life and the best night of my life. I have never since feared breaking in front of others who may not be able to handle it. I just break. And I never get broken completely because God is constant, and we are all more resilient than we know.

I also learned to love the Word of God in a new way that summer. I could not go out as the others could at night, for often, after the night service, I could do no more. My body was finished, and my neck screamed at me to lie down immediately (on the plank boards of the Boardwalk if necessary). So, I would head back to the Dunn House (often alone but not always) to get in a hot tub which offered some relief and read the Word of God which offers all of the relief a girl could need. I read a lot of the Bible that summer, and learned to relish sweet moments with the Savior when alone and in pain. I learned that being in pain with God is actually preferable to feeling good with Him. There is a connectedness to Christ in suffering that cannot be otherwise gleaned. And I still love remembering discussing the Word with Isaiah when he returned from night evangelism, telling him what I had learned and what I was looking forward to reading again. It was a hard time, but it could not have been sweeter.

And now, I am here, months later (almost a year later) with less chiropractic appointments and less frequent pain, but still annoying and at times agonizing, pain. When the pain and more importantly the incapacitation comes, I ask why, for I feel I have learned the lessons God intended to teach me through this. Why, I wonder, must I keep this pain the neck, this still only partially healed mass of bones and nerve that plague me when I have learned what God has intended for me to learn? For a while I tried to comfort myself with what others would likely tell me--that God is not finished teaching me, and that may well be true.

But what I have found a greater truth, one that is of greater comfort, is this: Jacob--God's Israel, learned the lessons intended for him when he wrestled with The Angel, but he kept his limp for all of his life. God taught Israel, as He has taught me--not to be self-sufficient, not to deceive, not to be always working and pushing--to rest, to depend, to learn to be lesser. And yet, though the lessons were learned, Israel continued to limp because of the impact God had made on his life. So, if this pain in the neck is to be my limp, my memory of an encounter with the Almighty who had things to teach me, who considered me worthy enough to taught, then it is a blessed pain in the neck which I will continually try to look on with gratefulness and even joy.

I may not be as strong as I once was, but like Israel, I have become taller indeed.

Until There's Nothing Left: The Christian Call

Recently, my brother told me he felt I was too forbearing--that perhaps, as a result of my pragmatic questions of "Is this a useful emotion?" and "Does this matter in the Kingdom?"--I had too many repressed emotions that, at any moment, could implode. At the time, I found his comment utterly false, and unlike a lot of other conversations I've had with him in the past, I am happy to report that this initial reaction has only been affirmed in hindsight. 

This has indeed been another year of "dying to self," and I have never had a more exhausting, nor a more fulfilling year. In my marriage, I have become much more concerned with asking these types of questions this past year, and I’ve learned that there is very little that’s important enough to even bring up to Isaiah. Most things, I am able to handle with just God and I—some of these being caused or partially caused by my own sins of selfishness and self-focus—and the rest bring some form of preference (not important in the least; we all have them, so why not let them go?) or mild irritation, which when prayed over, is easily put into perspective. I have also asked myself these questions concerning the woman who was in our home for quite a while. 

My conversations with God looked something like this: 

“God, I am irritated that there is a complaining woman sitting on my toilet whilst I am trying to have a relaxing shower after working all day.” 

Response: “And did I not do more for thee?...

And do you mean it when you ask to seek ministry training for missions full-time?...

Do you think a small trial such as this is real suffering for my name's sake?” 

...Discussion ended because God has totally owned me with his awesome logic and his example in form of Jesus Christ. 

Prayer then ensues about my selfish heart and the need for continued radical change. 

My teaching has also been highly effected by the issue of forbearance and dying to self. It is true, as the quote up in my classroom claims, “When justice and mercy kiss, there lies solution.” You do need justice to run a classroom. But, for me, it seems that patience and forbearance are much more important, for, in the end, it is really not about me having a good day. It’s about me having a good witness to students who may or may not know what grace in the face of meanness and disrespect looks like. 

The central advice I have received during my teaching career is "You need to be more of a b****," "You need to make them fear you," and "You're just too nice." And, while I know that this advice comes from a good place and that, yes, I, at times, am too nice, it is advice that I cannot fully take to heart. I not only seek to set and stick to standards in calm and kind ways. I also place character (my own most importantly, since I am the classroom example) above my feelings and even my comfort and well-being. 

If you disagree with me here, do not worry. I felt unsettled about it for a long while too until I figured out that I still 100% agree with this perspective. Ultimately, I care more about my students seeing a grown up speak with kindness, respect, and holiness than I do about my own comfort and ease in the classroom. I take stands and kindly rebuke when needed, but my "when needed" is not the same as most others which often means more (at least emotional) harm to me. It is a trade off. But it's one I've finally reached a certain peace about. It is a dying to self. 

My self (my comfort, my ease, my personality, even at times my authority) is less important than showing my students, over all, what Jesus looks like. Is Jesus authoritative? Yes. Is He Justice Driven? Yes. But, He also cares more about a student's soul than he does about my own comfort. If I can win just one soul for Christ, or peek just one student's curiosity about what makes me kind in the face of difficulty, that is worth more than a thousand days of ease and comfort for me in the classroom. I'll get that in Glory. They may not.

I say these things, and yet living in this way is difficult. I often feel that other teachers have it easier, and I have found this to be true. But I am not called to have it easier. I am called to be a light in a world full of darkness. Does that not include a classroom? 

I do not mean to say that I am a push-over. I mean to say than I am a humble servant of Christ. We are often taken for push-overs this side of the Kingdom, and our lives are often painful, for people take kindness to be weakness when actually it takes great, unearthly strength. 

When my students are unkind, when they make fun of how I handle issues (with humor, with awkwardness, with holy standards), when they disrespect me, they are sent out but not until after I try every other redemptive act possible, often to the detriment of my energy but to the improvement of their character. I have always scolded myself about this. ...About the fact that I am slow to act and to anger. But these--are not bad qualities. They are holy ones which God has cultivated in me. 

I am only just beginning to come to terms with the fact that I, as a teacher, will never be at peace as other teachers are. I will always be in pain because kids are cruel and disrespectful and mean whilst I remain constant, kind, and forbearing to those who don't deserve it. I have finally realized that this is not a struggle because I am a bad teacher, or because I am a teacher at all. 

It is a struggle because I am a Christian: I exude grace while being shown something much uglier. It is no different than any other job I've had, or any other hardship I've endured. It simply is more evident when in the teaching field. 

I have figured out that I am dying to self every day in the battle field of my classroom. And that is why it's hard. That is why I struggle. But it is a worthwhile struggle and a hardship that matters. It is not for nought. It is for the Kingdom, so that my kids, knowing that I am a Christian, will never be able to say that I was anything other than Christ to them. 

Though I began teaching wanting to be Christy of Cuttergap, wanting to show Christ to students, somehow along the way I got lost and began to believe that I taught because I was good at it, because it fulfilled me day to day, because it made me feel ignited and important and valued. 

I am no longer lost. I teach not to be fulfilled but to fulfill others. I teach not because it gives me energy but because it drains it, and loss for someone else's good is gain in Christ. I teach because I can make others feel valued and important even when, at the end of the day, I end up feeling like nothing. 

I teach to give out. Just like I live to give out.  Just like I give in my marriage. Just like I give in ministry. Just like I plan to give in missions. This life is not about my being fulfilled. It is about me seeking the Father, getting filled by Him as much as possible, and giving until it hurts. 

Until there's nothing left. 

That is what my Father did. I am to be about His business. 

All Glory to Him for refocusing my heart and motivation. 

What God Has in the Cards for us "in the right now"

Sitting here drinking homemade hot chocolate with my wonderful husband and thinking about happenings of late. In our last post, I updated you guys on our heart for missions in Japan and continued progress in that respect. We're now hoping to go on a vision trip soon and perhaps visit our friends, the Sinks, in Nagoya, Japan. Please be praying about the details of that trip and the money we will need for it as it takes shape. We are both working full time jobs. Hence, most of the funding we can provide for ourselves. But, we may be sending out letters as well for any remaining funding needed. Prayer for the needed time off work would be helpful as well.  

We are also very content with how things turned out for our house guest. For the past three months, we'd had a lady living on an air mattress in our front room. God had a plan for her being here, but sharing a one bedroom apartment with only one bathroom entered through our bedroom, was certainly interesting. She is now in a safe place, and we are grateful to have our home and alone time back. Though, if you folks could pray for her as well, that would be wonderful. She's having a difficult time transitioning in her new environment and is having to learn some hard things. She will need her relationship with God and quiet time with Him more than ever. It is our greatest wish for God to become and remain her comfort and sustenance at all times. We will continue to be a part of her life but in a much lesser sense than we were;  she will continue attending Rich Fork with us on Sundays and being our friend and sister in the Lord. 

Colton (my brother) has been sitting next to me for the last few hours watching "Arthur Christmas," which is also a blessing. Due to a strain with my mother, I haven't been able to spend quality time with him in a while. My heart, which has been sad over this, is full again in the wake of his laughter and smiles. My relationship with mom is still strained, but I continue to rely on God and speak to her in the way wisdom leads me. I so wish that my family could be what it once was: a force in the Kingdom of Christ--united, attending church, and strong in the faith. But  that is simply not what God has in the cards for us at the moment. Since He is God, and I am not, I will trust His wisdom, goodness, and plan with my life and with theirs. I will cling all the more to my Savior. Not every family can be like Isaiah's, and if God sees fit to have mine be broken (for now or for forever) in order to bring Himself ultimate glory, I will trust Him still. He has always and will always know better than I, for I am the created. He is the Creator. I have already submitted this part of me (as well as every other part) unto Him. That has not changed and will not. Praise be to God! 

It is difficult at times because the problems with mom or at school seem so small compared to life lived for Christ in Japan. I am often tempted to discredit these seemingly temporal and lesser things in order to concentrate on what I think of as a greater calling. But we serve a God who calls us to be faithful in the great things--those large things in life--and in the small things (which turn out not to be small at all). Cleaning a home, emailing a loved one again when you feel like quitting, honoring students who do not honor you back in the least--these are things that make up a faithful follower and which help train a Daughter of the King, which aid in her in becoming like her Father God. Hence, I will pray and strive not to think these things lesser but to believe the truth that they are great in the Kingdom of Heaven. 

Isaiah's bread route has been crazy with the snow, and we still do not know what Monday will bring. My job has been hard as well, and I have thought of quitting more lately. The only things keeping me there right now are the thought that this semester is soon coming to a close (which will mean new students), the commitment I feel I have made, and the money coming in for paying off loans. There are huge parts of me that feel that since Isaiah now has the higher paying job, I could quit and simply do work with him. This is a very appealing prospect since his company is of more value to me than anyone else's (aside from the Lord's). There are also huge parts of me which question the worth of what I am doing; this is not sharing the gospel; it is teaching kids how to read literature they continue to dislike greatly. There are lastly, huge parts of me which feel this job takes too much time for what its benefits are (to both myself and the children). There is so much time required with teaching, and everyday I question more whether it's all worth it. It doesn't feel like it is...which is something that I would not have said a year ago. The good thing is that all of this shows I do not worship teaching or a job anymore in the least. Oh, how God has changed me! Praise Him! :) The bad things is, this makes the "right now" difficult. 

In an ideal world, I'd be working somewhere part time (somewhere where I could minister more and leave work at work) and helping my husband with his bread route. In an ideal world, I'd also be getting to have more time to do my Bible classes and read the Word. But right now is not ideal. I am simply not sure when and if that time will come. I have come to realize that waiting on the Lord is still a choice: a choice to remain doing what you are doing. This is a choice I am not 100% comfortable with, but one I remain in for the time, since I do not know what He has in store, nor do I know when He will tell me what my next steps are. I can only walk with Him and with Isaiah step by step, allowing myself to be directed by the one who has the plan. But that is more than enough, for God knows what is best for me and for the Kingdom. Who better to trust and rely on and walk with than the One who made all and knows all--the one whom I love most!?