In the Valley of Non-Vision

For those of you who don't know, Isaiah and I are in a time of transition. I am teaching at the high school I grew up in, and it's not very fun (though, admittedly, I have settled in more lately). Isaiah is at home helping with cleaning and cooking and running the occasional bread route for extra cash. A lot of the time, when I feel things are not moving like they should be, I take comfort in the fact that we're in transition--that missions in Japan is on the horizon. 

But the thing is, Japan seems so very far away right now, so far away in fact that it's hard to not feel discouraged. Often, I end up feeling like all of the things we're sacrificing right now aren't worth it in the long run; I mean are we even going to get to Japan? Is that even the right path? Sometimes Isaiah talks about "To Every Tribe." I wonder if we shouldn't be doing that first rather than trying to go straight over with TEAM. Sometimes I wonder if we're called to Japan at all. I feel like I'm living in the dark. I am trying to trust God, but it's hard when the hope and goal seem to be only a flickering candle, there one minute and gone the next (this analogy works for how I currently feel about Japan and how I feel about God's presence). 

At the moment, it seems like everything is for the future. All of it is for Japan. What if Japan isn't our future? Then what is all of this even for?...I wonder sometimes.

I mean, I'm at a job I don't like to get money to pay off loans, so that when we get into Japan, we'll owe little to nothing to the government. We're staying with my mom (Oh how I dream of a "normal" life sometimes with our own place!) right now in order to have money to...again, pay loans rather than spend money on rent and bills. In addition, we don't see much point in getting out own place when we'll be in NJ this summer and Japan (maybe?) next year. Isaiah isn't working currently because I end up needing him a lot (my job is hard) and because we only have one car (mostly because we knew we didn't need both this summer and we still shouldn't really have two because this summer we'll be in transition yet again, and then if and when Japan happens...surprise. Another transition.) 

It was so easy to be in a perpetual state of transition back in college and even before marriage. Once you're married, it's like this switch gets flipped. I'm not sure if it's due to social constructs and ideas or something deeper, but I find that it's much harder to "have no [official] place to rest my head" now that I have a ring on it. I want our own place. I want to be home more. I want to know what the heck the future holds. And when your future (at least, we think it is) is to be a missionary, this life of comforts, constancy, and planning doesn't really work. 

Being a fisher of men in your backyard is great. But what about when you're called to fish somewhere else? What about when you think you're made for Japan, but you're not even sure? It gets hard to work in the dark for a Carpenter who a lot of times keeps silent. How do I even know where to throw my net while I'm here, how to plan for later when I'm unsure of what later means? How do we, as a couple, fit together the pieces of our lives when it feels like nothing makes sense or is for any purpose anymore? 

The key is to not trust the emotions I have. The key is to trust what I know. 

God is in control. God gave me a husband who believes we are destined fro Japan. God pointed us in a direction a while ago whether or not He's speaking now. God loves his son, Isaiah, and his daughter, Calli. God knows the work He has for us here and overseas. God sees the path I can't. I will praise Him and work for Him in the dark even when he decides to be silent, even when I feel that all of me riles against working without a goal or purpose, even when I am discouraged. 

Maybe God is working on my trust or my patience or my contentment. I don't care anymore. I am tired of trying to label what He's doing....tired of feebly attempting to explain this God's silence and plan. I will trust Him though I see no end. I will trust Him even when my feelings cry out in argument. He is worthy. And that is enough.