Christmas Day 2015

Woke up this morning feeling achy but happy to be in a home full of family that, though they aren't blood, do welcome, care for, and genuinely love me.  There have been points at which I haven't felt at home here, or like I am part of this family which didn't birth me. And I can't promise perfect feelings of belonging in the future, for I learned quite a while ago not to trust feelings. They are far too fickle. (For God to love the fickle human heart full of changing emotion is beyond my understanding!) What I will say is that, this morning, today, I feel a part of this place, this family, this home. Today, I am truly an English.

I have felt this way before. I like it. I hope it stays. And I will, as I have been, practice feeling one with these people who are truly a daily blessing to me. This may sound "nonromantic" to you, but, to me, the trained heart, feelings which are guided by logic, are beautiful. The Renaissance plays in which protagonists learn to understand logically how to love and who practice that very thing, all the while seeping themselves in correct emotion--that is romantic to me; it is beauty; it is, in a sense, the Christian Life. Emotion and logic existing in harmony and calling back and forth to each other in a beautiful dance of melodious and variant sounds is what I like to call true love. It's how I love God, depending on logic when I don't feel, and depending on feeling when I start to simply "go through the motions." It's how I love Isaiah. It's how I love this family, my family, the one that, today, I know is mine too.

As for "the now," I am enjoying practicing  Russian phrases and words with one of the Ukrainian girls in the English home this Christmas: Luda. Who knew a random college semester of learning this language would come in handy!? I am enjoying everyone's meaningful gifts and a beautiful breakfast that we are still munching on. I am enjoying the knowledge that soon, some of my friends from the Boardwalk will be with us again. I am enjoying the feeling of Christmas. I am still worried about the future; the back of my mind seems to be on fire with thoughts of stopping my job, new possibilities of work for Isaiah, concerns about a car or a home of our own, and the timing of all things called Adult Life. But thankfully, this Christmas, I can tell the back of my mind to "shut up" and leave room for faith, trust, family, a warm husband, fuzzy socks, and the smell of pine.

But most of all I can remind myself that there is a God who left heaven to die for me, who loved me in that moment and who loves me still, giving me gifts this Christmas as well: a loving husband to wake up next to, and two loving families: One I was born into.  One I was adopted into by marriage. In one, I have "the ties that bind," the blood and love and memories I cannot escape. In the other, I choose to sew myself into a pattern that has already been formed, one that, though it is intricate, still makes room for a new piece of thread which wishes to become one with the design.

A New Season for the Englishes

Many of you may not know that I have given my notice to the principal at North Davidson.

Today is my last day at North before Christmas Break. I will return January 4^th and finish out the semester, my last official day being January 15^th. I am not going to pretend that everyone (mostly my side of the family) is okay with this decision; however, Isaiah and I have put a lot of thought into it.

The main reason I am stopping after this semester is so I can take the Bible classes that I need for Japan. I realize I could complete these while teaching but the cost to my stress level, health, and marriage is simply not worth it to me. Life is about far more than income. Life is about, first of all, getting to know the God who made me, actually having time for Him. When we got back from the Boardwalk, I started reading the Bible voraciously and enjoyed every minute of it! I couldn’t wait to delve into His Word and Truth more.

Teaching, though it has been helping us pay off our loans, has taken away a lot of my time which has cost me my deepest wish: to get to know my God more. It’s been like another first year of teaching honestly; I’ve had to invest so much time in the regular “stuff:” lesson planning, grading, taking attendance. But I’ve had to do lots of new things too: learning how to teach regular and remedial students rather than Honors, dealing with tons of behaviors and discipline, writing referrals, taking writing samples from special needs students, learning how the timeline and testing work at a public school.

I simply haven’t had time to spend with the God I long for (I know I can "make" time, but that is easier said than done). I feel very similarly in my relationship with God  as to Isaiah—that I barely have enough time to spend, constantly long for more, and  have this deep emptiness as a result; which makes sense because God is my maker, my father, my companion forever; I miss Him even more than my husband, which is saying something because I miss Isaiah constantly, especially when I’m at school surrounded by students that I often wish to be protected from. (My students are sometimes sweeties but also come with a certain spice that often makes me a little scared slash stressed out.)

There are parts of this job which I have enjoyed and will continue to enjoy until its close. There are students I have loved from the start and those which I have learned to love. There are faculty members who have welcomed me and helped me. There are small gestures which North Davidson has done which have brought me happiness in the midst of hardship (Decemberfest, which happened today, actually reminded me of why I do love it here some days. It took a lot of fun, dedicated, and patient teachers to pull that together). I will say though, that, despite all of these things, after working at James Irwin,  these things at North have seemed a mere shadow of meaning.

There were many challenges at James Irwin (my first teaching job), but there were co-workers with whom I had deep connection, partly because we shared the bond of Christ. And the students went through so much and put me through so much, but they felt like my own children. These kids don’t feel like mine as much. I pray to love them and care for them daily, but I do not as naturally “feel” what I did before. Perhaps it is because I no longer worship my job or no longer find my soul meaning in this work. Perhaps it is because a shift happened when I married. Perhaps it is because a lot of these kids are more entitled than needy. I am unsure of all the reasons. But I do know that my grief will not be what it was when I left my first teaching job.

I am excited to get to take Bible classes as well as to simply spend more time in the Bible in general. I know that these things will reward me so much, for my Father God is in those words. I believe my having to wait for these things this semester will make them all the more wonderful when I get to do them!

Again, the main reason I am leaving is to pursue God and Japan, to take the classes I need in order to go and to get more Truth pumping into my veins. I thirst for it. This action is for personal gain ( me personally getting to hang out with God!), but also for Japan.

It seems silly when people tell us that they think this is "getting us off track," the reason being: Japan is the goal that we feel God has set before us. I need to take these classes. Since we get training for Japan in May, I need to take the courses next semester. I feel that most people simply see Isaiah and I at face value through a secular worldview. The face value definition of us: Two newly marrieds living with the wife's mom, the wife now stopping her job, the couple probably getting a little less money. The secular interpretation: "This couple is drifting. They need their own home, a dual income, and to get their 'stuff' together". However, this couple (the "us" of the equation) isn't just pointlessly drifting. We are doing what God has told us to--preparing for Japan. We are far from drifting no matter how it may seem to others or feel even to me sometimes. We have been paying off loans, and I am about to invest deeply into the Word, an incredibly important thing for a missionary to do! 

 But, back to the issue at hand; the quitting my job: I would be lying if I said personal time with God and preparation for Japan were the only reasons. Key Word: only, for time with God and classes are the main reasons. Here are the secondary reasons....just so I can give full disclosure. 

This semester has been very difficult. My back and neck are in constant pain due to stress, expectation, spite from students, and lack of time. There have also been mornings which remind me of previous trauma. When it’s very early in the morning, dark on the way to school, and I feel the same fear I once felt living in the boarding house with the “creeper” before Susan and Cope rescued me, I almost feel the vomit rising in my throat before I step out of the car and have to leave Isaiah, the one person I feel safe around. This doesn’t happen every morning, but when it does, it makes it harder to be excited for my kids, especially the ones who verbally say they hate me. And most of the fear, by they way, comes from the fact that I am hated throughout most of the day and feel very alone. 

Though 1st period and 3rd period (at least for the most part) have been fine, 2nd period has been very difficult. Honestly, I spend most days feeling utterly despised and only having that continuously confirmed. I believe I am disliked for many reasons; however, most of them are invalid. I am holding kids to high standards, I have a logical sense of justice not based on student feelings, I do not yell (which is what they are used to and honestly respond to more), I replaced a teacher they liked, I don't teach in a way they're used to, and I am big about respect. But sometimes hatred or strong dislike comes from people being told truth and reacting against it (this happened at the Boardwalk this summer when folks were confronted with the gospel). This is the thought that has often brought me comfort these last few months...this and the fact that honestly, every day it gets better. Small victories for the win! But, for a perfectionist who felt like she "had it together" before, small victories are often hard to enjoy. I've always been extreme. I like "whole hog" victories, obliterating the problems rather than patiently allowing things to sink in and change hearts. My husband is much better at this than I, the waiting, the allowing things to ruminate, the being "chill" as they say. I'm learning.

Anyway, now that I have spilled my guts to you, dear readers, here's some closing thoughts about this change (Yes, I realize this sounds like a high school paper. Blame it on the fact that most of this was written at school during a class movie--"Frankenstein!")

Closing Thoughts: I am still unsure of why God had Isaiah and I had to go through this season. Maybe to help me let go of control and develop even more patience. Maybe to help me be a bit disillusioned with teaching. Maybe to reconfirm the letting go of the idol of teaching. Maybe to help remind me of what fear feels like and how crippling it can be (fear is not something I naturally understand well). Maybe to help me be content with staying home. Maybe for a thousand reasons that I won't know until we're in Japan or maybe even on the other side of Glory! Like I said in my last post, it's enough to simply trust Him....though this is difficult for a human like me (we're all control freaks). 

I am also really excited about this upcoming season (it's not here yet!). I am pretty pumped to be in the Word and back in school! Man I miss school (learning that is!). Academia is the best, especially when it has to do with Christ! I am also pretty happy to have time to blog again, to update people on where we are missions-wise, to perhaps keep in touch more with friends (being married AND working full time really keep you from this!), and to simply be more calm. I am also planning on learning some of the more "wifely" items which my husband already knows: like how to cook and sew. I know, never thought I'd be the slightest bit excited about those things....but I am. Guess it took a man feeling confident about them to get me to be okay (as a woman) with doing them. #Residual Feminist Problems. I'm honestly excited to maybe enjoy some of the simple things in life like my friend Bonnie McCoy. Looking forward to tea drinking and planting and crafts and packing my husband's lunch. 

I think maybe I needed to know that Isaiah was willing and able to be the supporter. I was so worried a man would never be that or be willing to be that. And now that he has been that, I want to do it for him all the more. Now, I get to be the support while he works....we're thinking bread job. I'm excited for us to switch roles again. It's like we're participating in the ultimate marriage challenge: switching roles half way through the year after moving three times already. I love it! ...Well usually.

Looking forward to talking to you more,

Mrs. English 

What are we doing?

As we have been preparing to go to Japan this past year our expectations, confidence in our calling and the wisdom of our decisions has waxed and waned. No denying that.
Thankfully we haven't had a lot of people criticizing our decisions so far, because we provide plenty of internal questioning and criticism ourselves. 

I was asking myself again a few days ago, "What are we even doing going to a country we've never been before and not really knowing all the struggles and challenges that will be present?" 
Frankly we don't really know what we're getting into.

However, as I began to ask myself that question—while trying to research as much as I could and prepare myself as best as I can. I began to realize that what I'm proposed with is something I've faced before, not too long ago.

About this time last year I was very seriously considering, even planning, marriage to the most beautiful girl on earth. Yet, the more I planned and read and tried to prepare myself for all that might be in store I quickly realized that I can never know everything beforehand. I'll have to just take the plunge and then trust God to carry me through. I cannot predict the future, so by definition if I make a commitment about things I'm going to do I must trust God for help.

I realized, the situation we're in now as we consider Japan and keep moving forward is rather similar to getting married. A song writer we know, Don Francisco, says, "Nobody has any idea what they're doing when they get married. You can know a person 3, 4, or 5 years, but you don't really know them until you get married. That's just the way it is."
I would completely agree.

I thought I knew Calli before we got married, but looking back I feel as though we were almost strangers on our honeymoon compared to the depth I know her after only 10 months of marriage. 

So it is with our applying for Japan. We can do all the research we want (and we are doing a lot), but ultimately nothing can really prepare us for everything that's in store except God Himself. When two people get married they (at least ideally) seek God's will about making vows to that person and if they are convinced He is leading them down that path they take a step of faith and commit to something which has almost innumerable variables and uncertainties. However, they commit based upon their faith that God will be their support and that no matter what He has in store for them (death, sickness, poverty, tragedy, etc.) He will be able to carry them through it.

At this time we are applying to serve in Japan indefinitely (until the Lord directs us otherwise). Are we afraid? In some ways, yes! However, we've already trusted Him by swearing to love one another until death separates us, so we're ready to trust Him with this as well.

What are we doing? We're placing our trust in the only one who is trustworthy and believing that He will support us through everything that He has planned for us. It is up to us to obey, whether we know everything or not, it is up to Him to do everything else (so that He gets all the glory He rightly deserves!). 
"Speak, Lord, for your servant hears." "Here are we, send us!"

Getting a Heart Tune Up

"Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing
Tune My Heart to Sing Thy Grace…"

The second line of the first verse is known by many and yet, I wonder how often we have stopped to think about what we are asking as we sing this hymn…

What does it mean to "tune my heart" and why would I pray for the "Fountain of every blessing" to do that to me? Although I'm no authority on the background and meaning of this hymn I do have a few ideas about what might be meant by this phrase and how it can be helpful for us as fellow delight-ers in God to consider this imagery more closely.

When you tune an instrument you adjust it's strings, air tubes, drum heads, or whatever aspect of it varies the sound in order for it to play the right notes. This allows the instrument to vibrate (create sound waves) which correspond to the absolute frequencies we call music notes/tones. 

If we think of our hearts like musical instruments which can be strummed we can understand Robinson's analogy of tuning our hearts. Because of sin our hearts don't always resonate and vibrate to the frequency they should. When we hear about the love of Jesus on our behalf we don't always feel very thankful, but that's not because it isn't worth being thankful for, it's because our hearts are out of tune. When we hear about our own sin we often are not broken-hearted or feel the weight of it's offense against the Almighty of Heaven and Earth.

However, when we sing this hymn we're asking God (the "Fount of every blessing") to make our hearts produce emotions corresponding to the truth of his grace; especially to make us joyful enough to sing about it. 

To me the analogy of "tuning my heart" has been very helpful in my life as a redeemed child of God as I make it my practice to meditate on the glories of God in his thoughts, actions, and affections. I have found that the more I fill my mind with the truth of God found especially in His Word the more I am affected most deeply by conversations, songs, and sermons about such things. Sometimes one need only mention the name of Jesus and my heart resonates with gratitude and love. I believe this is an instance of my heart being "in tune."

I find that as I seek to bring my affections into accord with the glorious reality of who God is and what He has done—whether it is to weep at sin or delight in the beauty of God and revel in His love and grace!—the more my heart naturally goes there. We don't often think of emotions becoming habits but I think there is a way in which as we intentionally train our emotions along certain paths we shall find ourselves increasingly touched deeply by the things of God as we should be.

If God is as great as Scripture says He is, and His grace is as amazing as Scripture says it is, we should be "rejoicing always" we should be "singing new songs to the Lord" and be so overcome with joy that we're not content until all creation is praising the Lord with us!

When our hearts are out of tune we will not sing for joy at the marvelous grace of God we will simply shrug our shoulders and turn away. "Oh, Jesus died for me, that's interesting. How fascinating that God would become a man. Totally enthused over here. Just can't. help. being. excited." (*imagine in deadpan voice*)

When we are born again we have a new set of passions. New things make us most sad and new things fill us with the most joy and excitement. Maybe it used to be drugs, alcohol, or sex. Maybe it was video games. Maybe it was our favorite hobby, book, food, or game. 

Now it's Jesus! (Nothing else can compare!)

This is the "Fount of blessings" "tun[ing] [our] heart to sing [his] grace." And as with the other aspects of our becoming holy (sanctification) it is something we actively participate in. The work God is doing in our lives to transform our emotions as well as actions and thoughts is something we work for—"though it was not [us], but the grace of God that is with [us]," as Paul says (1 Cor 15:10).

We must meditate on God's glorious actions and attributes until our hearts are tuned to break us out into songs of joy, it is the only way we will inherit the kingdom of heaven.

Having our hearts tuned to sing of God's grace is not just an optional add-on to Christianity, it is actually essential. 

Montgomery Paul Webb sums up Jonathan Edwards' thoughts this way:

"The Bible associates sin with hardness of heart, not being moved by emotion, Romans 2:15; Ezekiel 3:7; Psalm 95:7,8; Acts 19:9; Hebrews 3:8,12. Being delivered from the power of sin takes away a heart of stone, Ezekiel 11:19; 36:26. However, being more emotional does not make a person more spiritual. Spirituality should not be judged by the nature of temporary emotion but by the strength of emotional habit. Actually, our passions may not have outward expression, depending on how busy our life might be, but they are necessary to a healthy spiritual life, and proper intellectual understanding should produce emotion. Having too little emotion is error, just as having too much.

Being prejudiced against religious emotion leads to a hard heart, lifeless formality, and a denial of the power of God. Being merely emotional, without transformation of the soul, leads to an addiction to excitement. Our emotions should help us to grow in our spiritual relationship to God. Usually, our emotions are mostly involved in worldly matters. Yet, nothing is more exciting, lovable, or desirable than our spiritual life. Jesus Christ is worthy of our emotion."

So let us pray that the "Fountain of blessings" would "tune our hearts to sing His grace" so that we may forever enjoy that which is most worthy of enjoyment instead of trying to find satisfaction in things which cannot ultimately satisfy—our ultimate joy, or conversely sadness, depends on it!

Strangers and Exiles On The Earth

"These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city."

My wife has recently written about hard things in our life right now that might make trust seem difficult. In reality trust wouldn't be trust if we had all the answers, but even more than that, this passage from Hebrews 11 reminds us of what's really going on and what our priorities are.

It is easy at this point in our journey to think we are alone, unique, or especially beset with trials. We are walking a path which does not allow our fleshly desires to thrive—and so feels difficult sometimes—but we are not the first to walk this kind of path. We are preceded by a "great cloud of witnesses" which have given up far more than we have yet been asked forego.

This Hebrews passage is one that comes to my mind whenever I am tempted to bemoan my situation.We are exiles here on this earth. We are seeking a homeland which is not here. We do have "the opportunity to return"—to establish myself in my comfort zone, establish myself in a nice little house and job and family—but we "desire a better country, that is a heavenly one." Therefore we have the promise that "God has prepared for [us] a city," even though we will have to die "in faith, not having received the things promised."

We are in a time of transition but there is a very real sense in which our whole lives on this earth are a time of transition. This earth, this age, is not our home. Otherwise we would invest everything in making our lives as pleasant now as possible. Instead we are seeking a heavenly country. We are seeking to be heavenly stock-holders, knowing that "where our treasure is, there will our hearts be also." By placing our treasure in heaven we direct our hearts to think beyond this life and the fleeting pleasures we give up in order to gain real, lasting ones.

The Bible says this has bearing on our relationship with God. If we place our trust in His promises, then "He is not ashamed to be called [our] God."The converse implication of that is that if we were to cling tightly to security and comfort in this life He would be ashamed to be called our God.

This is a scary thought. Much more scary than any loss of comforts, or even life could ever be. Imagine the Almighty Lord of Heaven and Earth being ashamed to be called your God…(Don't let this be you!)

Yet, if we trust Him we have the most glorious and reassuring thing that could ever be said to us: "Therefore, God is not ashamed to be called their God." Imagine the Maker of Heaven and Earth telling all of His creation that He is proud to be called your God?

How will God be proud to be called our God? By our magnifying the fact that He is all-sufficient which is done by trusting His ability to provide something better even beyond this life and giving up temporary pleasures with assurance that we will receive lasting ones in the life to come!

Our living in, and eventually dying still in, faith—believing that beyond this life are things that make giving up the greatest pleasures this life has to offer totally worth it for the joy to come—is the condition our God gives for Him not being ashamed (but rather proud) to be called our God and our receiving His promised city.

So when people ask us, What about your ideal job? What about having your own place? What about establishing yourselves? What about "thinking ahead?"We tell them, we are thinking ahead, thinking the most ahead. We are thinking beyond even this life and we're looking for a God who is proud to be called our God and a better country, that is, a heavenly one!

In the Valley of Non-Vision

For those of you who don't know, Isaiah and I are in a time of transition. I am teaching at the high school I grew up in, and it's not very fun (though, admittedly, I have settled in more lately). Isaiah is at home helping with cleaning and cooking and running the occasional bread route for extra cash. A lot of the time, when I feel things are not moving like they should be, I take comfort in the fact that we're in transition--that missions in Japan is on the horizon. 

But the thing is, Japan seems so very far away right now, so far away in fact that it's hard to not feel discouraged. Often, I end up feeling like all of the things we're sacrificing right now aren't worth it in the long run; I mean are we even going to get to Japan? Is that even the right path? Sometimes Isaiah talks about "To Every Tribe." I wonder if we shouldn't be doing that first rather than trying to go straight over with TEAM. Sometimes I wonder if we're called to Japan at all. I feel like I'm living in the dark. I am trying to trust God, but it's hard when the hope and goal seem to be only a flickering candle, there one minute and gone the next (this analogy works for how I currently feel about Japan and how I feel about God's presence). 

At the moment, it seems like everything is for the future. All of it is for Japan. What if Japan isn't our future? Then what is all of this even for?...I wonder sometimes.

I mean, I'm at a job I don't like to get money to pay off loans, so that when we get into Japan, we'll owe little to nothing to the government. We're staying with my mom (Oh how I dream of a "normal" life sometimes with our own place!) right now in order to have money to...again, pay loans rather than spend money on rent and bills. In addition, we don't see much point in getting out own place when we'll be in NJ this summer and Japan (maybe?) next year. Isaiah isn't working currently because I end up needing him a lot (my job is hard) and because we only have one car (mostly because we knew we didn't need both this summer and we still shouldn't really have two because this summer we'll be in transition yet again, and then if and when Japan happens...surprise. Another transition.) 

It was so easy to be in a perpetual state of transition back in college and even before marriage. Once you're married, it's like this switch gets flipped. I'm not sure if it's due to social constructs and ideas or something deeper, but I find that it's much harder to "have no [official] place to rest my head" now that I have a ring on it. I want our own place. I want to be home more. I want to know what the heck the future holds. And when your future (at least, we think it is) is to be a missionary, this life of comforts, constancy, and planning doesn't really work. 

Being a fisher of men in your backyard is great. But what about when you're called to fish somewhere else? What about when you think you're made for Japan, but you're not even sure? It gets hard to work in the dark for a Carpenter who a lot of times keeps silent. How do I even know where to throw my net while I'm here, how to plan for later when I'm unsure of what later means? How do we, as a couple, fit together the pieces of our lives when it feels like nothing makes sense or is for any purpose anymore? 

The key is to not trust the emotions I have. The key is to trust what I know. 

God is in control. God gave me a husband who believes we are destined fro Japan. God pointed us in a direction a while ago whether or not He's speaking now. God loves his son, Isaiah, and his daughter, Calli. God knows the work He has for us here and overseas. God sees the path I can't. I will praise Him and work for Him in the dark even when he decides to be silent, even when I feel that all of me riles against working without a goal or purpose, even when I am discouraged. 

Maybe God is working on my trust or my patience or my contentment. I don't care anymore. I am tired of trying to label what He's doing....tired of feebly attempting to explain this God's silence and plan. I will trust Him though I see no end. I will trust Him even when my feelings cry out in argument. He is worthy. And that is enough.